OCD and Fear of HIV

[Jozie77]

Hi All
I am so pleased that I have found this forum, as I feel quite alone and have no-one really to chat to about what I go through except my therapist, but often I think that she is just appeasing me.

My story is that I think that I have had ocd in some form or another for most of my life.  When I was a teenager I suffered from anorexia, which I have heard is a form or an expression of ocd.  And I have always basically been paranoid and very much always assuming the worst.

The latest obsession that I have is HIV.  I had protected sex with a friend of mine over a year ago and am completely convinced that I have now been infected with HIV.  The friend has reassured me time and time again that he is negative and plus we used protection.  But everynow and then my ocd flares up and nothing that anyone says can convince me otherwise.  The friend thinks that I am a complete lunatic and we hardly speak to each other anymore as a result of all this.

This isn't the first time I have thought I have had HIV, in the past I have worried about this and despite negative tests I still remained convinced that I have HIV.

Is there anyone out there who can relate to me?  I would love to hear from you.

Please if you are going to tell me to just have an hiv test, don't respond as even though I know is is the most rational thing to do, I can't.

Thanks

[JGF25]

Sometimes it comes back when stress increases.  

[butterfly_2014]

I used to think I had hiv all the time. Since I was in high school I can remember thinking I caught it from mozzie bites, PROTECTED sex, Stepping on needles when they weren't even visible... It has come and gone for nearly ten years! I am 25 now and was doing ok for about six months without any medication. About 3 weeks ago a friend of the family came round while dinner was cooking. He was left in the kitchen alone for not even a minute and after finishing my meal I thought to myself... omg, he has put blood in my food... from then on I have been a complete mess. physically I feel sick because the anxiety is so bad. I saw my dr to discuss it with me and no matter what she said I was not reassured. she gave me some meds and referred me to a phyc. Its hit me like a tone of bricks and now its all I can think about. I was walking down a foot path surrounded by shops just yesterday and I felt a prick or tingle (ocd says prick) and nothing was visible but all I can think is that I have stood on a syringe. I cant bear it. Im becoming exhausted and it is ruining my life. I so sorry that you all have to go through this too. Its really hard to enjoy life when your sor worried all the time.

[Shoop143]

Oh my gosh Optimus303,

I have been developing the exact same anxiety problems about HIV.  I'm obsessed with looking up possible routes of transmission.  Like today, I did laundry at the laundromat and I came back inside and washed my hands really well before washing my face which has acne.  I was then terrified that somehow hiv was on my hands when I washed my face and I contracted it.  I'm also terrified of public health clinics and once I got a test done, I was so afraid that the nurse had unclean gloves when she drew my blood.  Everyday I come up with some new irrational idea in my head that sticks with me for days to weeks.  Sometimes I decide to put all my worries aside and just live, but most times when I'm home alone all the negative worries come flooding back in my mind.  I do believe we have a disorder that requires help and determination to overcome.  It's a horrible way to live, but I think that talking to people who have similar irrational fears is helpful.  I'm a broke college student, so I can't afford real counseling.  

One thing that I find helpful is to ask yourself what the outcome of having the disease is.  Are you afraid of losing someone you love?  Are you afraid of not having children?  Are you afraid of being given a time limit of your life?  These are all things I am afraid of...especially losing the man I love.  I used to not really worry about it because my own life was my main concern, but when I fell in love the other person became more important to me than my own life.  The fear of HIV is actually not a fear of the disease at all, it's a multitude of fears that are built up in your mind and need an escape.  We all need people we can talk to about certain issues.  We cannot rely on one person to understand all of our ideas.  We need some kind of support group.  

Also, moving to a beautiful place where nature is greater than the city is a good idea.  Whenever we go camping, most of my worries fly away.  It's pretty hard to be a germaphobe when you're outside with nature.  Definitely don't get a job at a hospital or public health clinic.  It will make things crazy.  

Exercise also helps immensely because stress (cortisol levels in particular)  is the main cause of anxiety.  Exercise fights/gets rid of those built up hormones.  We let things build up in our minds and do not release them, so the negativity comes out in very weird ways.  

Best wishes to you and overcoming your anxiety.  It can be debilitating.  Seek ways to figure out the "real" causes of your worries and start from there.  Openly discuss the real worries with the people involved with the worries.  Like if you're afraid of losing someone, tell them how important they are to you and understand that you're probably just as important to them.  Have confidence in yourself enough to believe that others love you.  

You have to love yourself before you will ever believe that others love you.  


~Shoop

[BR222]

I'm so glad I stumbled upon this thread as I feel I have something to add.
About 2 years ago I had counselling for OCD and general anxiety. I was being bombarded with repetitive thoughts and could not break the cycle. The counselling was a great help and although I'm not 100% "cured" I don't have my daily routine dominated by irrational thoughts.
About 2 months before I started counselling I discovered that a gay friend of mine has HIV. Within a few days I was scanning the internet regarding how easy or not it is to catch HIV. Although most commentators (those in the know) would say its not possible as long as you are not having unprotected sex with someone with HIV or somehow drawing their blood into your own, I was not able to accept this and I would almost look for comments which suggested otherwise. Basically this whole thing dominated my thoughts for months. The problem was not really the subject of HIV, but it was more my inability to stop worrying about things! This was just the latest thing to become paranoid about!
With the help of Sertraline (anti - anxiety drug) and changing the way I think about things (helped through counselling) I can honestly say I don't worry about things any where near the way I used to, and if I do I quickly resolve an issue running through my head.
NOW, HERES THE IMPORTANT BIT. I MUST HAVE HUNG OUT WITH MY GAY MATE ABOUT 20 TIMES WITHIN THE PAST YEAR. I'VE BEEN TO GAY BARS, USED THE TOILETS IN GAY BARS, ACCIDENTLY DRUNK MY HIV FRIENDS DRINK WHEN WE GOT THEM MIXED UP, SHAKEN HANDS, HAD A BIT OF SPIT HIT MY FACE (YUCK!) WHICH MAY EVEN HAVE ENTERED MY MOUTH, BORROWED HIS DEODRANT, HAD A FEW CURRIES WITH HIM AND HIS MATES (ABOUT 1/2 OF WHICH HAVE HIV), KISSED ON THE CHEEK............................. PRETTY MUCH DONE EVERYTHING NON SEXUAL WITH HIM (I'M NOT GAY, BY THE WAY) OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.
LAST MONTH I HAD A CHECK UP AT THE CLINIC WHICH INCLUDED A HIV TEST.............................WAIT FOR IT...............................................................THE RESULTS..................................................................................................................H I V NEGATIVE!
SO, ALTHOUGH I UNDERSTAND IRRATIONAL THOUGHTS, PLEASE KNOW THAT IF GETTING HIV WAS RELATIVELY EASY THEN I SURELY WOULD BE HIV POSITIVE, AND I'M NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOPE THIS HELPS
With

[BR222]

werwerwerw

[belly251]

Truthfully, i was tested HIV + positive last 3years. I keep on managing the drugs i usually purchase from the health care agency to keep me healthy and strenghtful, i tried all i can too make this disease leave me alone, but unfortunately, it keep on eating up my life, this is what i caused myself, for allowing my fiance make sex to me insecurely without protection, although i never knew he is HIV positive. So last few 4days i came in contact with a lively article on the internet on how this Powerful Herb Healer get her well and healed. So as a patient i knew this will took my life 1 day, and i need to live with other friends and relatives too. So i copied out the Dr Zuma zuk the traditional healer’s email id: ***@**** and I mailed him immediately, in a little while he mail me back that i was welcome to his temple home were by all what i seek for are granted. I was please at that time. And i continue with him, he took some few details from me and told me that he shall get back to me as soon as he is through with my work. I was very happy as heard that from him. So Yesterday, as i was just coming from my friends house, Dr Zuma zuk called me to go for checkup in the hospital and see his marvelous work that it is now HIV negative, i was very glad to hear that from him, so i quickly rush down to the nearest hospital to found out, only to hear from my hospital doctor called Browning Lewis that i am now HIV NEGATIVE. I jump up at him with the test note, he ask me how does it happen and i recede to him all i went through with Dr Zuma zuk I am now glad, so i am a gentle type of person that need to share this testimonies to everyone who seek for healing, because once you get calm and quiet, so the disease get to finish your life off. So i will advice you contact him today for your healing at the above details: Email ID:***@**** CONTACT HIM NOW TO SAVE YOUR LIFE:***@****  AS HE IS SO POWERFUL AND HELPFUL TO ALL THAT HAVE THIS SICKNESS