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OCD and cheating
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OCD and cheating

Hi, So I know a lot of what is on this board is OCD about intrusive thoughts..but I have this on actual occurrences that have happened and I tend to obsess over these events and end up confessing and ruining relationships with friends and boyfriends…on what usually are minor things that I have worked into something that It’s not. It is soo exhausting and frustrating Ive been dealing with this on off for about 5 years. I’ve recently graduated and can not even concentrate on studying for my boards. I have been in finally a healthy meaningful relationship for the past 10 months and find myself fixating on an event that happened in the first month we were dating where I made out and slept next to someone else. Nothing more happened except for kissing.. I feel so horrible and all I went to do is confess…But I know that will only make my OCD worse and then I’ll find something else to fixate on and confess to that and then constantly needing reassurance its just a crash and burn kinda thing..Its almost like paranoia that he is somehow going to findout..these are where alot of the irrational thoughts come to play..Please help….Dont know what else to do anymore. Having an extremely hard time dealing with obsession urge to confess and getting reassurance...Whole downward cycle..
Helpful responses would be very appreciated...
21 Comments Post a Comment
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1699033_tn?1405352675
It seems to me that this is a typical OCD problem.  You do something, you obsess over it, you catastrophize it, and then you are going nuts so you confess because you think if you can just get closure on this one thing that all will be well with the world. Maybe it does make you feel better for a while but then as with all OCD people, something else shows up to haunt the crap out of us.  

Have you been formally diagnosed with OCD?  Have you ever seen a psychologist for this problem?  
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Avatar_f_tn
Ughh! you have no idea how much ive been looking at this website to just get some reassurance from someone..ha part of the OCD right? So thankyou! And yess what your explaing is exactly what i've been doing...for years.

I've been diagnosed in the past for OCD tendencies from an older therapist so I suppose i always knew a little about the concept but never understood it..because I like probably alot of other people thought it had more to do with like checking etc. My current therapist now introduced me to what I have more..the intrusive thoughts..confessing etc. I never really accepted it until I did my own research..hence my posting. It kind of totally gave me an epiphany and insight where it finally clicked and Im coming to terms with this accepting this is exactly what I have. Probably since I started highschool so a good 10 plus years now.I guess I just never knew how common it was and how other people are alot like me..i swear sometimes i thought i was going crazy..

It has just been so bad lately probably because I am done with school and putting all my effort into studying for my boards and working. But school was kind of my outlet because I was good at it and I was getting posiitive feedback..through clinicals grades etc.

It's just insane how this stuff comes on...And this is where I get confused It seems most people have intrusive thoughts about the idea of cheating...My intrusive thoughts stem from a past situation..and I get extreme paranoia that someone I care about is somehow going to find this bad thing out about me im obsessing about. Where in this case...My rational sides understands that yes I made a mistake..I did not sleep with the guy...and It meant nothing..plus i mean god this happened first week we really made it official. And I understand if i confess it i'll feel good for that minute..but then ill obsess over constantly needing reassurance he isnt mad and is happy...which will drive him nuts..and then Ill look for another event ill want to confess over because ill be paranoid he'll find out..and its a horrible cycle.. I know this because I used to do it with my ex for six years..

With this new man in my life I reallly care about him and i know he genuinely cares about me..That is why I am really seeking help from my therapist so I dont get stuck in this cycle and drive everyone away.

Sorry i know so long but just really helps to talk to someone who gets this immature thinking...And its sooo frustrating because i know how immature it is to ya know?... Guess i just wish there was a magic cure all.. but i know its a loooong process...Starting an SSRI soon too..so hopefully thatll give a little relief.
-Thanks!
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1699033_tn?1405352675
For me stress makes it "come out" even more and I'm wondering if studying for the boards...because you have to pass....isn't causing you some stress even if it is subconscious.  

There is so much to OCD.  I used to worry I would hurt people and so I would confess to them what I was afraid I would do...of course they would always say "No you won't" and yes that made me feel better for a while and then it would be back.  Of course I wouldn't ever do those things but I didn't know how to get rid of those thoughts until I learned cognitive behavioral therapy.  So while medications do work, I take a SNRI myself, CBT is also very important to learn so when you see the therapist, ask them about teaching you.  

Also, have you ever looked at the book The OCD Workbook:  YOur Guide to Breaking Free of OCD?  YOu can get it from Amazon and you can also do a "look inside" so that you can see what it is about.  I think it will help you.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks so much for taking the time and replying..kinda just helps to talk it out a little and get that reassurance theres a reason im feeling like this..and other people get it.. Ill have to check that book out!
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Avatar_f_tn
So test is over.....Still getting this irrational thought in and out of my head..Its like a guilt paranoid feeling. I just know exactly what is going to happen if i telll him. I just want to move on and be happy.  People make mistakes...especially in first week of really dating.. I just know i'll tell him itll feel good for awhile but then i will find something else to obsess over and this feeling will come back... :( Its just so frustrating. I have been nothing but good to him since that incident and i know telling him will just hurt him and ill need that constant reassurance everything is ok.

Any advice how to just stop these paranoid thoughts that some how he is going to find out.. Just feeling so stressed. My therapist is leaving after 4 years as well.. so im going to have to start all over with someone new. :(
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1699033_tn?1405352675
Hi Sara...first let me tell you a story about me and the man I eventually married.  I had a boyfriend in college for a few months and he left early to go back up North to finish and go to Dental School.  I started dating who is now my husband not too long after.  Maybe about a month or two into the relationship the guy from up North invited me up to visit.  I was very unsure of my feelings for him and I had this new relationship and long story short I hopped in the car and drove to Rhode Island.  My future husband knew what I was doing because I did tell him.  Well I did more than kiss this guy from RI and I realized what a HUGE mistake I had made in that this guy didn't care for me at all really.  So I had 8 hours of driving to try to figure out how I was going to get my "boyfriend" back.  In the end he cared enough about me to take me back and eventually marry me.  Of course there have been no indiscretions on either end since then and we have been married for 23 years.  So I guess what I'm saying is tell the truth.  You really didn't do anything horribly wrong...I slept with that idiot up North.... and if he truly cares about you, he will see that it was nothing since you are not even with that other guy and that the guilt has really messed you up because you don't want to hurt him.  If he leaves, then it wasn't meant to be and you can move on.  If he stays, then all the better and you will know that this particular worry was for nothing and you can let it go.

As for losing your therapist, I would get a recommendation from your current therapist as to who you should start seeing.  She/he knows you well enough to know who is going to work well for you.  Starting over might not be bad...getting a new perspective on things.  Sometimes we get too comfortable and need to shake things up a bit.  Take care of you!  
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Avatar_f_tn
Yes i know.. I guess i wish it was that easy i just know what comes with it if i do confess..ill find something else. And then ill need constant reassurance from him as well that everything is ok..and he isnt upset..and he still wants me..all the insecurities..I go throught it over and over again..

Suppose this is my own issue and i have to deal with it. Can't seek the reassurance from you either..lol. Its just do time consuming in my crazy head.
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1699033_tn?1405352675
You are not crazy.  Without going back and rereading everything, other than the 4 years of therapy, have you tried meds?  
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Avatar_f_tn
I called my psychiatrist today finally..and waiting for call back. Ive tried some meds kinda on and off but more for generalized anxiety. I am more optimistic going into it now that Ive been diagnosed with OCD ya know? I feel i will go at it with a more positive approach...plus with a new therapist I can begin to really work on some coping methods. Trying to see the light in this all..

Its just more crazy how this one thought you can get so fixated on..its so stressful. I never new how many people were going through the same thing as me. The other interesting part is I am a mental health occupational therapist so I know exactly how irrational I am being..I think that frustrates me too... I just realllly want to be happy..and I dont want to bring all this upon my boyfriend like i would have in the past...hes such a breath of freah air...Someday i know im gonna have to discuss this all with him..but I would like to do that when i feel i have this all more undercontrol.

With meds...any suggestions? I know theres one to take as needed but I think what i need is something more everyday right...? Since this stuff kinda just pops in my head out of no where sometimes.

Thanks
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi, i have ocd and i am currently taking Zoloft. It has helped me so much and i have intrusive thoughts about cheating on my boyfriend. I cant make it go away, and neither can the pills, well, not completely at least. The pills are helping me a lot and they have helped me a lot, but i still do occasionally get the thoughts still about how im gonna cheat on my bf or something.... It tears my life apart because i just keep thinking it over and over and over again and its just like its killing me inside. I try not to think about it, but that doesn't really help it to go away.... I almost lost my boyfriend because of it, because i would keep telling him about the thoughts when i would get them, to hopefully make myself feel better, but in the long run, its only making my ocd worse. I started taking Zoloft around September or October, and it has helped a lot. But i do still occasionally get the thoughts, and it tears my life apart, because i probably just get so depressed from it and i start thinking that i might lose my bf again, and i dont want that to ever happen, and every time i tell him about it, about my intrusive thoughts about cheating, it just hurts him to think that i wud be thinking those thots at all.. And i do end up hurting him every time i tell him. I just dont know what to do.. Any ideas or suggestions on how to help me get rid of these thoughts..?? Thank you!!
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Avatar_f_tn
What is Cheating OCD?
From the website youhaveocd.com
Cheating OCD is a type of OCD that revolves around relationships and the fear of one partner cheating on the other. Even though most people are to some degree are weary of the cheating in the relationship, this OCD fear goes above and beyond that. There are two subtypes of this OCD.
In the first subtype the person thinks that they may have cheated in the past or that they are about to cheat. This thought causes extreme anxiety. The sufferer feels like he or she can’t enjoy the time spent with their partner because they are constantly thinking about their OCD fears. The compulsive action in this subtype is constantly retracing what the person did and analyzing one’s own thoughts and desires. If your OCD revolves around the thought of you cheating you may feel the need to seek reassurance from the person who you think you have cheated with to make sure it’s not true.
In the second subtype the person is worried that their partner has cheated on them or is about to cheat. The compulsive action in this case would be to monitor the partner very closely and to try to find clues to the suspected cheating. You may try to see if your partner has cheated by analyzing what he or she said or how they acted in a particular situation.
Both of these subtypes are very common. …………Steps:
Step 1:
ANY thought that deals with cheating and that you doubt as OCD, is an OCD thought. Label it as an OCD thought. Say this to yourself as soon as you get the thought:….Is the thought about cheating? ……Am I doubting whether or not this thought is OCD?....... If the answer is yes, IMMIDIATELY label it as OCD..
Step 2:
Do not react to any of the Cheating OCD thoughts with fear. Your fearful reaction is what powers up these thoughts and makes OCD stronger. Instead, react with indifference and allow the thoughts to just be there.
Say to yourself : “I don’t care if I have this thought for the rest of my life because it’s not real and is only OCD.” This will shift the power from OCD back to you.
Step 3:
Recognize which of your actions are compulsive and are done because of your Cheating OCD. Make a list of them and do your best to not do them. The less actions you perform the weaker your OCD will become. At this point it might be automatic to perform certain compulsive actions, so it will take some time to stop doing them. Take it one day at a time but do your absolute best to stop performing them. This is your recovery and you need to focus and put effort into it.
Step 4.  Do not seek ANY reassurance from your partner or from anyone else. This one is ver
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Avatar_f_tn
Step 4.  Do not seek ANY reassurance from your partner or from anyone else. This one is very hard but if you keep seeking reassurance you will not get better
Step 5:
If your partner knows about your OCD talk to them about this specific type of Cheating OCD. Explain to them that this is not about them but about your disorder. In many cases the partner may feel like you don’t trust them because they don’t have OCD and they don’t fully understand the amount of anxiety that goes along with these thoughts. You need to be patient with them.
Tell your partner that if they see you asking for reassurance or performing a compulsive action that they need to tell you to stop and to remind you that in order to progress you need to not do these compulsive actions. The most common compulsive actions are seeking reassurance and confessing something you think may have happened.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you so much!! But the thing is- when i do get these thoughts- i start to think that it actually happened, like u kno, the thoughts and about the intrusive thoughts.... I have been going to therapy and i do have pills, but i do still seem to be getting the thoughts once in a while. The thoughts that i get are like about like cheating on my bf and stuff like- like if some random guy walks by and or like crosses the street in the crosswalk in front of me while I'm driving, i start to think that maybe i blew a kiss to him, like u kno, to that random guy that just crossed the street, and then i start to think that i actually did do it also too, because i start to think that like my lip twitched or something and then the thoughts happen about cheating on my bf (most recent thot i think) and then also, if im just walking past ppl like maybe at my school i get the thoughts that maybe i did get to kiss that random guy that i just passed on the street, and then i start obsessing about it in my mind, and ik that it didnt really happen at the school, at my school, but i still think it- no matter wat. And the worst part is is that it can happen at any time or any place basically,cas it might with some other people also too. And i really dont want to lose my bf to this yet again because of my ocd.... I just dont know what to do amd how to get myself to stop thinking these thots about maybe even like cheating and stuff and maybe even like kissing a random guy on the cheek or maybe even blowing a kiss to them.. I just dont really even kmo what to do anymore. I know that i would never do that to my bf because that is a horrible thing that anyone cud ever even lik do to someone or to anyone or to anybody.. Please help!! Any ideas or suggestions about these or maybe even my ocd intrusive thots about cheating..?? Thank you!!
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Avatar_f_tn
Oh and also, i start to also think how i cant blame everything on my ocd also too.. Like every single one of those thots that i get about maybe even like, cheating on my bf.. Like every single time that i think that i maybe actually like did cheat also too, then, i feel like and i also hink that i cant also like blame everything that i think or that i maybe even did on my ocd.. And also  sometimes wen i do get the thots, then i cant actually really remember wat actually happened either also too.. So it just makes me worry and maybe even like get anxiety and also maybe even makes me feel or maybe even get depressed also too, and also it makes me feel like or think that my bf is going to end up breaking up with me again.. And i really dont kno what to do either also too.. So does anyone have any suggestions or any ideas or help for me plz..?? Thank u!!
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Avatar_f_tn
You can't stop the thoughts. The attention you are giving to them is making them stronger. You say you are in therapy. Is it with a cognitive behavioral therapist who is having you do exposure and response prevention exercises? If so, the therapist would be gradually having you confront these fears by agreeing with them, and saying, oh, yeah, I probably did blow that guy a kiss. You are not going to push them away, you need to let them pass, or even agree with them, and then the power will be taken away. If you need more articles on this, I can post them for you. So I am curious what your therapy is, and what the pills you are taking are? What type, and what dosage?
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Avatar_f_tn
Ok yes please, can u plz post some more of the articles please?? And thanks!! I am currently taking Zoloft and im taking 150mg of it of the Zoloft soo yea.. And no it is not CBT or even response prevention exercises.. I have had 2 therapists, and i only had to switch because my last therapist moved to a diff job or something. But i think that i have only gone to my new therapist like once and i need to call to make another appointment. And wait, but y wud i agree with them..?? Y wud i agree with the thoughts about that like about me cheating and stuff and y wud i just agree and say or say or tell to myself that it actually did happen- u kno the whole cheating idea or thots or maybe even like watever, maybe even if maybe i even do know that i really did? Wont that just make me believe that negative thought about agreeing with the my intrusive and negative thots..?? That part doesn't really make sense.. Sorry....
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Avatar_f_tn
It may seem like it doesn't make sense, but you are training your brain to believe the thoughts deserve a lot of attention and are very important, by trying to push them away. You can never satisfy your OCD by reasoning with it. It intensifies it. If you say, yeah, maybe it did happen, you take away its power. The OCD gets mad and says, wait a minute, you aren't playing my game anymore, no fair! I am retreating because I can't make you do what I want anymore. It would be best if you could send me your email through a message as then I can attach links rather than looking each up and copying and pasting here. I am not a computer wizard. So if you will send me your email, I promise you an entire library of materials that if you read and follow, should help as they have helped many other folks. Can't guarantee it of course, because nothing is guaranteed in life but death and taxes. (smile)
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Avatar_f_tn
150 is not the top of the range for OCD treatment, either. Who is prescribing, a family dr. or a psychiatrist?
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Avatar_f_tn
Oh ok cool thanks! Ik, but what i do know is that the top range for the Zoloft is 200mg, but r u supposed to be taking a mood stabilizer or something with it also too?? And a psychiatrist is prescribing the medication for me to take
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Avatar_f_tn
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-files/201007/why-thought-stopping-doesn-t-work

ok, pay attention to the psychiatrist. Mood stabilizers are primarily for those with bi polar disorder. Here are a couple of articles that might explain more about how you are worsening your condition, by trying to tell yourself it didn't happen.

http://ocfoundation.org/EO_SelfERP.aspx

http://************.com/lib/ocd-and-the-need-for-reassurance/00015835

http://www.steveseay.com/mental-checking-ocd/

I have many, many more articles, but I am not a computer whiz, and could far more easily attach them to an email, if you would like to privately message me that

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Avatar_m_tn
Its called Relational OCD. Here's a link http://www.cbsnews.com/news/overly-jealous-or-insecure-about-your-relationship-you-may-have-rocd/
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