I have been having a number of issues with anxiety in the past few months. After struggling with substance abuse, depression, anxiety and bipolar I have been in a pretty good place for the last 2 years, but I am struggling with memories of events where I put myself in risk of death when I was struggling with mental health issues. For instance, once I raced my car on a two lane road and went up to 120 mph before passing the other car. He slowed down and I passed but shortly after the road narrowed to two lanes. What if he had not slowed and I was unable to brake and went off the road and died? This was the only time I ever drove dangerously and it was out of character for me but I was in early recovery and craving a thrill. This was 3 years ago. I now think, "well i could have died, why didn't I?" and now I have feelings that my life is invalidated in some way. I feel like I can't enjoy my success because of these memories. I ruminate over these memories causing feelings of extreme anxiety.
Similar memories include getting blackout drunk and falling or fighting or just doing risky things. Also, meeting up with people I met online could have been a set up where I was murdered. Also, I had a bad habit of walking around in the ghetto at night drinking and looking for trouble even though I am from a wealthy suburban family. I would never repeat any of these mistakes. I was in a very bad place and I have moved on. These behaviors took place between 2-10 years ago, and I am now in a very good place and would never consider doing things like this. I am in my twenties and I feel like now my brain has gone through the shift into adult reasoning. I am doing well, I have graduated college and am successfully working in my career. I am just having real trouble coming to terms with the things I have done that could have killed me or dramatically altered my course but didn't. Any advice on dealing with these feelings is greatly appreciated.
I know how you feel. I struggle with OCD and anxiety and I too get lots of memories that come back to me and I think what if and why?? It gets to be extremely annoying and gets me into these moods that i just cant shake off. You need to reset your mind. When a thought flashback or memory pops into your head that is unwanted you need to quick change your thought to something else, that slowly trains your brain to not keep giving you those negative memories. Also, Keeping yourself busy is important, i know these can come at anytime no matter what your doing but its much worse if your at home sitting on the couch just thinking. Hope you are doing okay. If you need any advice or need anyone to talk to im here for you. i find so much comfort in talking to people who can relate and im hoping i can provide some comfort to any of you. God bless:)
Everyone makes mistakes man. The key to life is learning from your mistakes and not making them in the future. You have made major strides in your lift battling substance abuse, anxiety, depression and are not in a good place. Instead of looking back and feeling guilty for the mistakes you made in the past, look to the future.
Everything in life happens for a reason. Maybe making those mistakes when you were younger will make you a better person in the future. Positive thinking and looking to create a positive future are all you should focus on.
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