OCD/hocd

[Rev19]

Ok I'm completely new on this so. All my life Iv battled depression and OCD. I use to pull out my hair ( Trichotillomania) and would say something and then I would repeat it in my mind to see if I said it right and it's kinda funny now but every time I walked through a door I would turn afoot make sure it didn't hit my foot something like that. Well Iv been fighting this hocd now for half a year are a little longer and it's dri me crazy im tired of the stupid things my brain tells me. I have always loved and like girls and had crushes on them and now my attraction to them is not the same because of this but I still have fellings for them but this hocd is pissing me off. short story is rather be dead than gay, sounds bad right but it's true. I started having these stupid things and images in my head my senior year in high school and at first it was literally a nightmare and all I did was sleep to get away from the thoughts and I'd wake up and it would be right back in my head literally. Even now when I wake up still literally the moment I wake up there right there screwing with me and all I want is my lust for girls back and this to all go away. I'm literally afraid it's never going to go away and I'm going to be fighting this the rest of my life. There was a tine where it whent away for about a week and one of my coworkers was just messing with me and I was changing jokes back at him and he said something about me being gay and bam they came right back in to my head and won't leave no matter how hard I try they just won't. Iv tryed to ignore it but no I can't it literally freaks me out I want to be with girls use to think about having a family when I get older played football in high school and was one of the Mose aggressive players but I quit football my senior year to bad knees from power lifting so I was always involved with manly sports. I just want it to all go away and for me to go back to normal. My mind will like say your gay and I say I'm straight literally I fight this stupid thing every damn day and I know I'm not the only one but it's just torment like a living hell I can't go anywhere and stay on track because this is in my head no matter how hard I try it's still there. I'm on meds but they don't help at all! Im Literally about to start praying to God to help me it's that bad idk what to do anymore I can't even go to the gym without a stupid thoughts in my head.

[bergidam]

I am 21 and went through the same thing for about 6 months I am now on prozac 40 mg and lamictal 75mg going up to 125mg over next 3 weeks . And it helped out so much i have had my share of good days and bad days& when I have a good day my bad days don't make sense and visa versa

[Rev19]

Ok I did ignore them today still had the thought but it wasn't has bad! I'm pretty happy about that, But it's just still in the back of my head.

[JGF25]

Yes...act like the thought is nothing to you...let it wash over you because the reality is it is this thought isn't real and cannot hurt you.  Once you take the fear out of the thought, it will go away.  Exercise does help as well so keep that up.  Sometimes I think about panic attacks in the car and when I say to myself "who cares, bring it on so I can just be done with it" it doesn't come because I no longer fear them.  

[Rev19]

I'm going to ask him the nextt time I go in I believe its in week just got my refill today. So are you saying to act like I don't have the thoughts has if there not there? I feel better today, I noticed after I workout and ran today it didn't bother me that bad I still had like the thought of what I have going on with me but it didn't really bother me after words I just continued my routine for the day.

[JGF25]

Hmmm...I'm not a doctor but it seems to me that something could be used in conjunction with Lamotrigine to help you.  You can certainly ask.  

The thing about CBT is that you have to practice it in order to become really good at it and when you are good at it, it does help.  

Here is a good book that I read.  You need to learn to let these thoughts go and self-coaching can help you.  You need to get to a state of "whatever" where your mind "says" whatever it says but you just don't care anymore.  If you mind says "you are gay" you respond with "Whatever" or "Enough."  The more you sit there and analyze it, the longer it is going to stay around.  

Self-coaching by Joseph Luciani

Has your doc ever added a benzo to help you calm down?  

[Rev19]

Plus Im afraid that after I beat this its going to come back are im never goin to be the same. it's ruined a relationship I had and I'm also afraid that if I get in a new one in going to feel wierd are some thing.

[Rev19]

I'm on lamotrigine 25mg I take 3 every morning. My psychiatrist is prescribing it to me Iv been going to him for years and have been on different medications and have been on this for about 3 months. I haven't told anyone about having HOCD because im not gay and I don't want them to thing and look at me wired. Haven't even told by parents about it im afraid they wouldn't under stand the amount of stress and torment this gives me it's a living hell literally. I have tryed cognitive behavioral therapy but did not work at all. I was OCD free for years after I beat pulling my hair out I was free for like 5 years. But one day right out of the blue I started having these horrible thoughts and it literally made me sick at I would freak out and I quit my job because of it and stopped hanging out with friends even stopped watching tv. All I did is stay in my room and if someone came it to talk to me I would stress out and I would be extremely rude and it was all because of this I did not ask for any of this. I don't understand why these thoughts just came out of no where. Everyone would ask me if my brother was gay and it got to the point where It pissed me off and then I started to think if he's gay and I told my self I dont know how I would react if he was. So idk if thinking that triggered something in my brain are what.

[JGF25]

Hi there.  Sorry you are going through this.  So who is prescribing your medication, what is it, and how long have you been on it?  Have you ever learned cognitive behavioral therapy from a psychologist?