I have thoughts in my head that tell me I'll become a bad person that does not deserve to be apart of the world if I was just live my life get a job so on and so on and ignore the people that gosip and cant be nice to me or other people. When I hear people gosping I get thoughts of wanting to tell the person to grow up and feel like that makes me a horrable person. If some one is mean to me and I have a thought about them and feel like I might say it I feel like a really bad person. When my phycologist say I deserve to be around people that will be nice to me and I'm allowed to ignore people that are not nice to me I get so anxious and I my head starts saying "then I dont deserve to live I dont deserve to have a life". I dont know how to deal with and over these thoughts just writing this I can feel the tension in my body and anxiety building.
How can I become ok with this I'm so scared of responding equally or defending my self emotionally or physiclly that I have even let people hurt me physicly and not defend my self for fear that I could not live with my self if I was to hurt any one even if they deserved it. If they try to hurt my kids or upset my kids I respond verbally and would defend them physically but I when I'm alone and its my own life or feelings at risk I cant respond at all and if for some reason I do even politlely ask people not to gosip or not to be mean, I feel like I just done the worst thing ever. I asked a person in my class to stop asking me what group I was choosing(long story) and I did it calmly but I felt intence anxiety and I'm still feeling guilty about it I'm still worried that she hates me for it not I really want to care because she a huge gosip and I cant be around gosip, but I also hate that I cant be friends with people that gosip.
I even have thoughts that should not go back to my phycologist because he has chalanged these thoughts and that scares me too much. I have already told me my phycologist that I shut my self off from people when my OCD is chalanged. I'm going to make my self go back to my phycologist my OCD is not going to win and I want to tell my phycologist about the thoughts of wanting to give up and not go back, I want to tell him about the other thought I had as well.
Not sure when I will beable to make my self do it but hopefully next session.
read this to your psychologist. it may help them understand what you are going through. the way youre open with is will help them understand what you are really feeling. you are not alone, i have terrifying intrusive thoughts and i'm working through it with therapy and meds so we understand and are here for you
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