Aa
OCD question
Hi I'm 20 years old female
I remember when I was 11 years old I was absolutely scared of sleeping on my own because I thought I would get possessed or a I would see a ghost. I would get paranoid when it was getting late because I knew I would have to sleep on my own even though my brothers bed was right next to mine I was still scared and I would beg my brother to sleep with me. I would constantly be scarred and I just could sleep on my own for about 2 or 3 years where my obsession just ended. This obsession was triggered when watching a scary movie I never knew it was OCD I'm still not sure if that's the case?
But after that I was scared of growing taller I don't know why I just didn't wanna be tall I would measure myself everyday and write letters to God and begged him that I wouldn't grow taller. This obsession lasted about a year or two.
When I was 17 I had a spot on my forehead i became depressed for some reason I would look at people's faces n compare them to mine I would google celebrities that have spots to make myself feel better I wouldn't let anyone touch my face for about a year or two even after the spot was gone.
A couple of months later for some reason I don't know if it was stress or I didn't have enough vitamins in me I started loosing hair it wasn't really bad but I got obsessed about my hair I wouldn't constantly check my hair thickness, I kept pulling them out to see how much hair has fallen out I would literally count them, I would ask my friends if this was normal or if they ever had a hair loss. Then my friends hair started falling out due to stress and I felt better I stopped obsessing about my hair they completely stopped falling out. I would still check and check and google I even started saving money up to get a hair transplant. Then my friends hair went back to normal and I started obsessing again constantly checking if my hair wa stalking out constantly pulling them out crying and just going crazy. I then had an obsession about my looks I kept comparing my hair my face to celebrities and if I saw a girl that's prettier than me I would get depressed I even hit myself for not being as pretty, j started doing exercises for my face I promised myself I would get a surgery done when I save up. I started wearing a lot of make up and would never show my face without it. I even had dreams where I felt weird because I had no make up on in public. At that time j had a boyfriend I was really obsessed about guys n the only reason I wanted to be pretty was because I wanted guys to like me and want me. I never figured out that I had OCD I have always had anxiety because j would I get really stress out when talking to strangers or even people in my class. Anyway one day I get really high smoking weed and I had a weird thought that popped into my head which was ( why am I here ) i started obsessing about my existance I was scared that I have lose my memory I would I wake up every single damn day feeling the same way with the same thoughts in my head, I kept questioning if I'm really alive or dead or if I'm in a comma and this is just a dream or my imagination. I was scared that I have lost my identity I just felt awful I had depression I just didn't wanna be alive anymore I kept obsessing n obsessing I kept asking for reassurance j kept googling always on my phone looking for answers I thought I was crazy every time Iheard people saying crazy or mental I would spike and get anxiety attacks I woudo get the every single morning for the past few months. I was obsessing about my hair and me being crazy at the same time I just didn't feel the same at all I couldn't feel emotions towards my family. The only emotions j could feel was towards my boyfriend I loved him with all of my heart he was my everything. After 6/7 months or maybe 8 I was doing really well I kept fearing that I was loosing my memory but I wasn't too bothered I just thought it's the thiughts that are making me feel crazy so I just ignored them as I was rok tired to fight them and analyse them. While I was going through that obsession I was at home all the time I couldn't think straight and some one mention it would be a good idea if I took my kind of it while watching porn so I did. I was sexually active at a young age. anyway I started off with straight porn then I moved onto different types of porn weird n disgusting but after I got bored of normal porn j would move on to weird things. My sex drive was really high for some reason I was constantly thinking about sex I would have sex with my boyfriend about 4/5 times a day but not everyday. I then started watching lesbian porn I don't know why I just did straight porn didn't work on my anymore I watched that and some other disgusting thing that I'm too smashed me to talk about. I was watching porn up to 5 times a day sometimes, and every night before I went to sleep. I kind of got over my obsession but then my brain was looking for something else to obsess about, when I was going through my obsession I slept with another guy I just didn't know how to cope with my brain I though if I do it maybe my obsession will just vanish and so I could take my mind of it. It worked after I realised what I have done i felt horrible I went back to my boyfriend and j couldn't stop obsessing about the fact what I have done it just wouldn't leave my mind it was there 24/7 I would Keeo checking my facebook before my boyfriend woke up. Just incase that guy msged me I kind of got over it because I thought my boyfriend wasn't even there for me while I was having such a horrible time. But then my brain kept looking for something else to obsess about then I started obsessing about the fact that I have slept with more than 19 guys n I never told my boyfriend I just kept obsessing and even though I didn't wanna thing about it it was always in my head it was so annoying I was literally going crazy couldn't sleep after a few weeks I pushed the thiughts aside and j literally forgot how many people I slept with. I was still watching a lot of porn at the time, but I felt like my sex drive wasn't as strong as it was before? I then started imagining things in my head while having sex with my boyfriend they were sort if disturbing but they made me climax.... I had fantasies that I was having sex with his friend instead of my boyfriend. I would have the same fantasy before going to sleep and had dreams about that person, I still loved my boyfriend more than any nothing. But I didn't know what was going on with my sex drive.
I remember when I was 11 years old I was absolutely scared of sleeping on my own because I thought I would get possessed or a I would see a ghost. I would get paranoid when it was getting late because I knew I would have to sleep on my own even though my brothers bed was right next to mine I was still scared and I would beg my brother to sleep with me. I would constantly be scarred and I just could sleep on my own for about 2 or 3 years where my obsession just ended. This obsession was triggered when watching a scary movie I never knew it was OCD I'm still not sure if that's the case?
But after that I was scared of growing taller I don't know why I just didn't wanna be tall I would measure myself everyday and write letters to God and begged him that I wouldn't grow taller. This obsession lasted about a year or two.
When I was 17 I had a spot on my forehead i became depressed for some reason I would look at people's faces n compare them to mine I would google celebrities that have spots to make myself feel better I wouldn't let anyone touch my face for about a year or two even after the spot was gone.
A couple of months later for some reason I don't know if it was stress or I didn't have enough vitamins in me I started loosing hair it wasn't really bad but I got obsessed about my hair I wouldn't constantly check my hair thickness, I kept pulling them out to see how much hair has fallen out I would literally count them, I would ask my friends if this was normal or if they ever had a hair loss. Then my friends hair started falling out due to stress and I felt better I stopped obsessing about my hair they completely stopped falling out. I would still check and check and google I even started saving money up to get a hair transplant. Then my friends hair went back to normal and I started obsessing again constantly checking if my hair wa stalking out constantly pulling them out crying and just going crazy. I then had an obsession about my looks I kept comparing my hair my face to celebrities and if I saw a girl that's prettier than me I would get depressed I even hit myself for not being as pretty, j started doing exercises for my face I promised myself I would get a surgery done when I save up. I started wearing a lot of make up and would never show my face without it. I even had dreams where I felt weird because I had no make up on in public. At that time j had a boyfriend I was really obsessed about guys n the only reason I wanted to be pretty was because I wanted guys to like me and want me. I never figured out that I had OCD I have always had anxiety because j would I get really stress out when talking to strangers or even people in my class. Anyway one day I get really high smoking weed and I had a weird thought that popped into my head which was ( why am I here ) i started obsessing about my existance I was scared that I have lose my memory I would I wake up every single damn day feeling the same way with the same thoughts in my head, I kept questioning if I'm really alive or dead or if I'm in a comma and this is just a dream or my imagination. I was scared that I have lost my identity I just felt awful I had depression I just didn't wanna be alive anymore I kept obsessing n obsessing I kept asking for reassurance j kept googling always on my phone looking for answers I thought I was crazy every time Iheard people saying crazy or mental I would spike and get anxiety attacks I woudo get the every single morning for the past few months. I was obsessing about my hair and me being crazy at the same time I just didn't feel the same at all I couldn't feel emotions towards my family. The only emotions j could feel was towards my boyfriend I loved him with all of my heart he was my everything. After 6/7 months or maybe 8 I was doing really well I kept fearing that I was loosing my memory but I wasn't too bothered I just thought it's the thiughts that are making me feel crazy so I just ignored them as I was rok tired to fight them and analyse them. While I was going through that obsession I was at home all the time I couldn't think straight and some one mention it would be a good idea if I took my kind of it while watching porn so I did. I was sexually active at a young age. anyway I started off with straight porn then I moved onto different types of porn weird n disgusting but after I got bored of normal porn j would move on to weird things. My sex drive was really high for some reason I was constantly thinking about sex I would have sex with my boyfriend about 4/5 times a day but not everyday. I then started watching lesbian porn I don't know why I just did straight porn didn't work on my anymore I watched that and some other disgusting thing that I'm too smashed me to talk about. I was watching porn up to 5 times a day sometimes, and every night before I went to sleep. I kind of got over my obsession but then my brain was looking for something else to obsess about, when I was going through my obsession I slept with another guy I just didn't know how to cope with my brain I though if I do it maybe my obsession will just vanish and so I could take my mind of it. It worked after I realised what I have done i felt horrible I went back to my boyfriend and j couldn't stop obsessing about the fact what I have done it just wouldn't leave my mind it was there 24/7 I would Keeo checking my facebook before my boyfriend woke up. Just incase that guy msged me I kind of got over it because I thought my boyfriend wasn't even there for me while I was having such a horrible time. But then my brain kept looking for something else to obsess about then I started obsessing about the fact that I have slept with more than 19 guys n I never told my boyfriend I just kept obsessing and even though I didn't wanna thing about it it was always in my head it was so annoying I was literally going crazy couldn't sleep after a few weeks I pushed the thiughts aside and j literally forgot how many people I slept with. I was still watching a lot of porn at the time, but I felt like my sex drive wasn't as strong as it was before? I then started imagining things in my head while having sex with my boyfriend they were sort if disturbing but they made me climax.... I had fantasies that I was having sex with his friend instead of my boyfriend. I would have the same fantasy before going to sleep and had dreams about that person, I still loved my boyfriend more than any nothing. But I didn't know what was going on with my sex drive.
There is no shame in being bi. That's something that's natural!
I have the same issues and told all to my therapist, it works wonders. Takes time but you'll eventually get better and stop worrying. I'm here if you need me
I have the same issues and told all to my therapist, it works wonders. Takes time but you'll eventually get better and stop worrying. I'm here if you need me
I've been doing a bit better been keeping myself busy and reading and ocd book that helped me understand my situation a bit better I've been taking medication too, I know these thoughts aren't mine I don't like them I hate them with all my heart they make my life a misery and once they're gone for an hour or even a couple of mins I feel like I'm on the top of the world. My mind is trying to convince me that I like these thoughts but I don't I don't wanna have anything to do with a woman never did never will it make me upset to thing that I could be attracted to women in anyway which I know I'm not but I keep doubting and it's really bad in the mornings because these thoughts feel real. I keep going online to reassure myself that I'm straight u do this everytime a doubt myself and where the thoughts start to feel real again once I reassure myself that they're not true I feel happy again and j can carry on with my life.i just freak out when I see people write that they've been attracted to opposite sex their whole life and all of the sudden they start liking the same sex too. That's what really freaks me out and gives me a lot of anxiety
I was just doing my work on the computer and the thought that the mouse looked like a vagina came to my head and I just had to my hand away I feel so awkward and weird touching it so I just stopped doing what I was doing on the computer
Everyday I get more and more suicidal thoughts when j cross the road I wish skmething would run me over, when I walk in the dark I wish someone would kill me, I have these awful thoughts that j don't want but they feel so real, I don't see my friends because I'm scared I will want to do something with them. I just want my life back I want my brain back I never had these thoughts before I just wanna die
I go to sleep feeling great then I wake up feeling just anxious and disgusted
I go to sleep feeling good and know for a fact that I'm straight and wake up with anxiety attacks and questioning against. This is living hell. This morning a thought came to my head that if I'm really bi I will just commit suicide and I actually planned how am gonna do that :( can I really be bi and be so anxious terrified and that death would feel better than actually be bi ?
My mind keeps telling that the images in my head are my desires but when I'm calm I know they're not but when I'm like this I just feel confused and really scared
Every single day I have the same thoughts and images in my head they do give me tones of anxiety and depress me a lot to the point where I can't eat. But then my head is telling me that I like it but I don't well I hope I don't I wish I didn't have these thoughts in my head I don't know if they're mine or just OCD it's just so scary I feel like I lost my identity... Every morning I wake up I wake up with the same thoughts and analysing my dreams and have huge anxiety attacks every single morning cold sweats and my heart starts to beat really fast and I my stomach turns
I don't think these thoughts belong to my personality they're not who I am well I really hope so they make me really upset and depressed and the uncertainty that they might some how be true makes me have panic attacks
I feel like I can't breathe. I have to force myself to eat most of the time. Other times I binge eat junk food to try and feel better. I'm constantly tense. I don't even get a second of relief from the anxiety and worry and tension and I've dealt with SO much of this crap before, it's pretty much the only way I feel all the time now, the happiness has been sucked out of me. I don't feel like I can feel happy, I can't feel affection or love and if I ever have a fleeting second of it, the OCD swoops in and steals it away in the time it takes for me to blink. I doubt everything.
The more I check the more I feel like I might've attracted to the same sex at first the thought was filled with anxiety n disgust now it feel like I like it n that makes me feel so depressed I can't stop mentally checking I broke down and cried so much today at college I feel like I must be in denial I can't even eat or sleep it feels like I'm going crazy I don't even get anxious anymore
When I have sex with my boyfriend I keep checking if I'm getting aroused and if I'm enjoying it enough to be classified as straight sometimes I don't where I did before hocd kicking every single time I enjoyed it. Now I don't even feel like having sex, and my mind is telling me because I wanna do with a girl and that really upsets me
When u wake up I have a really fresh mind because I haven't been obsessing in my dreams and I just feel like how can I even tho k I would enjoy being with a girl and then I obsess again and it feels like I like n that feeling is just so horrible to the point where I just cry and cry and feel uncomfortable I hate this so much I don't know what's real and what isn't anymore:(( .... I have hocd themed dreams every single night !!! Can't even enjoy my sleep
I keep mentally checking and j hate the idea I hate it with all of my heart but I'm still scared
I've had enough of this every single day I get the sexual images in my head, I hate this ! I had sex with my boyfriend and I couldn't get the images out of my head it's getting so bad I hate this will all of my heart
There more I test the more the fear becomes real:( j just wanna get cancer and die I would literally wanna be dead than bi or gay or what ever . Tried accepting it but it doesn't feel right I still feel horrible. When I accept myself as straight I feel good and calm and just wonderful is this even hocd
I just read something online and I feel straight I feel absolutely amazin !! I' feel so happy it feels like my soul it's connecting to my body again. Hahaha I know this won't last long because I'll start doubting again
I think if I really was bi I'd be okay with it but I don't think that's me it doesn't feel right that's not who I am or who I was and thinking that I could be bi makes me really upset to the point where I feel like I would kill myself if I was. I could come out to the world and tell them I'm bi I don't care what people would think I just don't want it I don't want to have anything to do with a female. It's not me
I never fantasied about a female not once in my life girls didn't nothing for me ever, but now I don't know what's real and what isn't. I'm just really scared that I can't get aroused by my boyfriend anymore and I'm so close to cheat on him to test myself if I'd get aroused by another man
I think I had a porn addiction because I started off with sex games at a young age it was always straight. I don't know why but for some reason sex really exctited me I found it weird that girls could have sex with each other I thought how does that even work so weird and disgusting. Then guys my age or older stArted talking dirty to me I didn't know what masturbation was until this guys told me. And we would talk dirty till late nights and I was really aroused girls never crossed my mind! Then a lot of guys started texting dirty with me and I like it a lot. Then I fell in love with a guy that I have been talking on the phone he would always talk dirty with me for some reason and I couldn't help but to get aroused. I then started seeing males I have been texting in real life and they would touch me and I get really aroused just by holding their hands, I felt like I was being used a little but I still liked it. I met a lot of guys and did things with them but never had sex. I was 14 at that time I started watching porn and I didn't have to use my imagination again I could see everything and j could choose what I wanted to see, I watched a lot of porn, I moved onto more weird and weird things always straight porn. Then I had sex for the first time, after that I had sex again I loved everything about it had no problem getting aroused I absolutely loved it I felt like a grown up and I felt like my dreams came true. I started sleeping around and I was ashamed of it but I just couldn't stop:( I had around 20 sexual partners. I then fell In love with a guy I fell deeply In love with him but he used me sexually and cheated on me. We broke up. I became really anti social since j didn't have many friends j would I stay home all day. I watched a lot of porn, since I didn't watch porn for a long time I started watching normal straight porn again and then again I started watching more weird things and more. Then my first OCD anxiety panic attack happened when I was with my new boyfriend that i am with till today. I because super antisocial because my boyfriend didnt like me talking to other guys or even looking at them. I had to make new Facebook new everything. I just stayed at home all day everyday my boyfriend also didn't like me hanging around with my female best friend because he said she's a bad influence and she'll make me cheat on him. So I was at home with my OCD obsessing every min of the damn day. So u hooked up with a guy behind my boyfriends back and cheated on him because i just wanted to get my mind of the obsession I felt trapped at home and I just could stoop obsessing. I felt really guilty so I decided to stop seeing that guy. To kill time i would watch porn I would watch 3 sum porn and then I moved onto lesbian oorn because everthing else just got boring so I watched it every night every morning sometimes during the day. I got bored of it after a while so I moved on to some other shocking porn I watched it all the time. I had sex with my boyfriend too about 5 times a week I never had a problem getting aroused and climaxing. But then I watched a lot of porn and j got bored of normal sex. I started watching lesbian porn and That other porn but I'm too ashamed to say what it was it was between male and a female. I didn't only watch normal lesbian porn it was just weird and violent. I wasn't aroused by the girls tho it was what they were Doint that aroused me. It was maybe a month or a few weeks before my hocd started. It was harder and harder to climax so I started imagining things in my head while having sex with my boyfriend which I never done before in my life. I imagined myself being with his best friend I don't know it just shocked my mind enough to orgasm, then later I imagined something else and something, I then stopped watching porn all together felt like I got bored of sex I wasn't even getting aroused anymore by porn I just made me climax but I didn't even feel good I know I felt disgusted everytime I watched lesbian porn. After I quit watching porn I started having weird dreams I dreamed that u was watching porn in my dream and then one day I had a lesbian dream and then again and again I think I had 3 lesbian dreams after stop watching porn. They didn't bother me I knew I was straight never made me question my sexuality because I knew I wouldn't wanna do anything like that in real life in fact j found it disgusting but yet i still watched it. Then j had sex with my boyfriend and a lesbian scene popped into my head I can't rember if I got aroused or not but I moved on, the next time me and my boyfriend had sex he mentioned something about having a 3 sum I imagine it and after a few minutes trying to get myself a roused by the image I climaxed. I never thought nothing of it. Then I had sex again and I imagined some other disgusting thing that was disgusting enough to make me climax. And then another day I strayed having sex with my boyfriend j got easily aroused but had hard time climaxing for some reason so j started using my imagination I trying imagining a lesbian scene but something deep down inside of me felt totally weirded out and just uncomfortable with that image in my head and I quickly removed it and thought of something else. Never questioned my sexuality I didn't get a roused by girls not ever. But one day when I was home watching my drama something gay came up a guy questioned his sexuality and was scared. I felt really strange for some reason and a what if I'm gay thought popped up in my head ! I freaked out I was just shocked I couldn't sit still I just started moviing around frekajnv out crying I even puked up I was set into shock it felt worse than dying!
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