Hello everyone. First of all I want to say that I am so happy to have found this forum. While I am not glad other people are going through the same thing as me, I do feel slightly comforted with the fact that I am not alone in this craziness...
For the past few weeks I have been OBSESSING over the fact that I might have HIV. It has gotten so bad that I've missed classes, locked myself in my room having severe panic attacks and breakdowns one after the other, begged my mom to take me to the store to buy a rapid test, called my boyfriend in hysterics on numerous occasions, cannot concentrate on anything but HIV and my ridiculous googling 'research' which has taken up the majority of my time, etc... I have practically convinced myself that I am going to die now in a few months to years and have started thinking about what I would like to do with my remaining time. I have always been a bit of a hypochondriac since I was little but this is the absolute worst I have ever been over a health issue.
A little background info: I am 23, female, white, living in the suburbs blah blah blah. Never used drugs and neither of my partners has ever used drugs. I have only had sex with two people in my life. My ex boyfriend of 3 years (the one who I 'believe' gave me HIV) and my current boyfriend who is the love of my life. Anyways, I was with my ex for 3 years. He cheated on me twice but it was only making out/oral according to him. I am pretty sure of this fact but of course not 100 percent which to my crazy obsessive mind is not good enough. Before me he had about 7 sexual partners (all female) and they were unprotected. Anyways, I am unsure of his status and we are not in contact so that I could ever ask him. He lived in sort of a rougher part of town and I am not sure if the people he had sex with were clean or not. I did take the rapid oraquick test a few days ago and it came back negative. I have read that once you are past a certain amount of time those results are conclusive. I mean, for me it's been 3 years so surely my test should be correct? But I cannot logically convince myself to accept these results. I am scheduling myself a doctors appointment tomorrow to have blood work done. My mom and boyfriend think I am absolutely crazy. I keep worrying that I did the test wrong because I only swiped one side of my mouth. And then I worry that because it's been so long since I 'supposedly' contracted HIV that I am going to have full blown AIDS in a few months and am going to die before I can start any treatment. I am making myself so incredibly miserable over this and I don't know what to do. I can't even imagine how I am going to make it through the few weeks wait for my blood work to come back. I have been living each day convinced I am going to die :( Someone, please... Any words of encouragement, sanity, etc.? Help :(