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OCD thoughts about HIV. Literally ruining my life

Hello everyone. First of all I want to say that I am so happy to have found this forum.  While I am not glad other people are going through the same thing as me, I do feel slightly comforted with the fact that I am not alone in this craziness...

For the past few weeks I have been OBSESSING over the fact that I might have HIV.  It has gotten so bad that I've missed classes, locked myself in my room having severe panic attacks and breakdowns one after the other, begged my mom to take me to the store to buy a rapid test, called my boyfriend in hysterics on numerous occasions, cannot concentrate on anything but HIV and my ridiculous googling 'research' which has taken up the majority of my time, etc...  I have practically convinced myself that I am going to die now in a few months to years and have started thinking about what I would like to do with my remaining time. I have always been a bit of a hypochondriac since I was little but this is the absolute worst I have ever been over a health issue.

A little background info: I am 23, female, white, living in the suburbs blah blah blah. Never used drugs and neither of my partners has ever used drugs.  I have only had sex with two people in my life.  My ex boyfriend of 3 years (the one who I 'believe' gave me HIV) and my current boyfriend who is the love of my life.  Anyways, I was with my ex for 3 years.  He cheated on me twice but it was only making out/oral according to him.  I am pretty sure of this fact but of course not 100 percent which to my crazy obsessive mind is not good enough.  Before me he had about 7 sexual partners (all female) and they were unprotected.  Anyways, I am unsure of his status and we are not in contact so that I could ever ask him.  He lived in sort of a rougher part of town and I am not sure if the people he had sex with were clean or not.  I did take the rapid oraquick test a few days ago and it came back negative. I have read that once you are past a certain amount of time those results are conclusive.  I mean, for me it's been 3 years so surely my test should be correct?  But I cannot logically convince myself to accept these results.  I am scheduling myself a doctors appointment tomorrow to have blood work done. My mom and boyfriend think I am absolutely crazy.  I keep worrying that I did the test wrong because I only swiped one side of my mouth.  And then I worry that because it's been so long since I 'supposedly' contracted HIV that I am going to have full blown AIDS in a few months and am going to die before I can start any treatment.  I am making myself so incredibly miserable over this and I don't know what to do.  I can't even imagine how I am going to make it through the few weeks wait for my blood work to come back. I have been living each day convinced I am going to die :( Someone, please... Any words of encouragement, sanity, etc.?  Help :(
4 Responses
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8865825 tn?1400293564
I am very happy you got negative results. Great news. I to had this fear, I let it go on for 6 months. Drove me nuts! Worry worry looking up things all over the net which made me more worried and scared. I can 100% relate and feel so bad I didn't join this forum until today or I would have loved to have told you I have been there! 6 months it took over my life, but to afraid to just go get tested! So at least you were brave enough to go do that!! :0) That was 4 yrs ago for me.. and it is such an awful scary feeling, even a very lonely feeling and a guilty feeling.. so glad you got through and with good news! After sex its always a valid worry but the obsession of thought is so overwhelming!!
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Avatar universal
hey scared,

We are in the same boat,Hiv has destroyed my last six months,Jus go to my profile and look at my posts from first ull no how much i got affected by this.Just like u this stigma started only this year when i had sex for the first time and it keeps on going till now.The latest is my last thread about the blood test i had.You are not alone.I wish i can realy get off this HIV stigma and move on to my regular life.But this fear makes me worried and i am once again ****** up
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Avatar universal
Hi there, I just wanted to update on this post because it has been some time and maybe I can help someone out there who is also having HIV OCD/paranoia like I did.

I wound up going in for a blood test at the doctors and after 2 days of excruciating worry and anxiety, my test results came back negative.  Oraquick was very accurate.  I am very thankful of my results but I seem to still be worrying about an array of other health issues now (and still from time to time HIV through other 'no risk' situations I've encountered since my negative test).  I think what I need is to see a psychiatrist to be honest.  Anyways, thank you very much to the person who replied to my post, I did read it back when I was going through this issue and it made me feel comforted.
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1699033 tn?1514113133
Hi there.  People with a tendency toward OCD usually have it show up when some big stress event happens.  I mean in your case, you haven't worried about it for three years right and now all of a sudden it is a life or death situation.  What has changed?  

The thought is able to have this kind of control over you because you have given it credibility.  You have thought it, catastrophized it, tested, doubted the test results, and now you are back at the beginning with think the thought.  The more you give into the thought the longer it is going to stay around.  Also, stop googling HIV because you are only going to key in on the bad things.  

Do you have access to a psychologist where you are or even a school counselor? You obviously need to get a handle on this because you do have school, you do have to be able to get your homework done.  If you can't get into see a psychologist right away or see a school counselor, then by all means talk to your doctor about this and perhaps he/she can prescribe you a short term tranquilizer to calm you down.  The test results, which you already have, will help you I just hope that "help" isn't short lived.  

Let me know how your dr. visit went.  
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