Obsessively concerned

I am 35 and have engaged in a lot of unprotected oral, with only a few experiences of me topping someone protected and being being very conscious of staying covered. Within the past two weeks, I have had this overwhelming obsession overcome me that is leading me to question my behavior and now I am convinced I would fail a test. Sure, I have caught a cole/ flu after orally servicing and getting serviced but that is expected with coming in contact with germs. My concern is my rapid onset of this obsession all of a sudden when only three weeks ago, I was selectively looking around for some oral fun. Now, I am certain I will never play around again and sincerely mean it. This has really ****** me up. To the point that I went out and purchased oraquick but I'm too scared to use it. And, I have driven to the local clinic the past two days with the intent of getting tested but couldn't find the courage. I ended up sitting in the parking lot inside my car for about 30 min on each ccassion questioning my decisions, researching probabilities, OCD, and oral risks. I will have to eventually get tested to find peace of mind, but I am not mentally prepared, or have the courage to do it, and to be honest, will be surprised when I finally do. I mean damn, all of a sudden I am so obsessed until I know, but at the same time, I'm too afraid to know. I hope my unprotected oral hasn't prepared me for bad news. How concerned should I be about my status? How concerned should I be about OCD? Help.

[JGF25]

Oral sex is not a route of transmission first of all.  The protected sex you had is not a route of transmission either.  Have you been under more stress lately?  Sometimes stress or a big change in a person's life can lead to latent OCD to rear its ugly head in the form of irrational thoughts.  Or perhaps you heard something on the TV?  

The part about being scared to get tested.  Honestly, from what you have written you don't need a test but I understand that it can give peace of mind.  HIV carries a stigma and that is why people are so afraid of it even when they haven't even put themselves in a risk situation.  

You need to develop some coping skills to deal with this thought process.  You can see a psychologist to learn CBT or conversely you can try the book The OCD Workbook:  Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD.  You need to stop the thoughts when they start.  Say "NO" in your head or "MOVE ON"...don't let the thought take on a life of its own.  And don't do internet searches.  You are going to get every from A to Z and it is just all very confusing and leads to more anxiety.  

Take care.  

[concerned760]

Thank you for responding. Yes, I have been under an extreme amount of stress lately. My unprotected oral has included LOTS of giving and receiving, but never any swallowing, and have always been smart enough to NEVER get ******, protected or not. There has been unprotected oral licking of the anus both ways, and having my man nipples played with but that is the extent of it. I am pessimistic about most things, and ABSOLUTELY certain that this sudden obsession has changed me forever. Forever! I even too disgusted to masturbate and no longer aroused as a result of not knowing. I know I'm going to have to have to eventually get tested to get rid of my anxiety, but I'm not mentally prepared for the results. Fortunately, I am confident in my belief that OCD has something to do with my train of thought, because I haven't ever felt like this before, and for no particular reason. I want to get tested and this is now my third day driving to this clinic to do so, but I can't find the courage. I simply can't. I'm going to absolutely have to convince myself that I am sick and be totally prepared to hear that in order to be mentally prepared enough to go inside. I feel like I'm making progress, but I guess I trying to get as much motivation and encouragement that everything is okay prior to doing so, and even that is not enough. What are the odds if I go in and get tested, I will come back out, log on, and tell you that you were unquestionably correct? Sad to admit, but I would probably take my life within an hour or so of finding out. ;(

[concerned760]

And to answer your question, it is the recent stress and CNN.com poll questioning whether one has ever been tested that I can recall prompting my OCD three weeks ago. Combine that with anything I hear in reference to the disease now, and not knowing,  and I'm mentally sick.

[JGF25]

I know it is hard at the moment to really think straight because you are in that "desperate" mode which leaves us feeling like we are going to absolutely come unglued.  

I urge people to learn to help themselves because what is going to happen when you do get tested, you get a negative result, and then something else come up?  Are you not going to have sex for the rest of your life for fear that this will happen again?  That is why you have to retrain your brain and the way you think.  You have already "forward thought" to ending your life should the result be positive.  That alone is causing more stress.  

If you think for a moment about all the people that give and receive oral sex during any given day, the number is staggering, and you don't hear that they are getting HIV even when it is with an HIV infected person.  Did you know that if you take a needle filled with blood from an HIV person and immediately stick yourself after you draw the blood that you only have a 0.3% chance of becoming HIV positive?  That is how hard it is to get.  Now compare that to oral sex...there is no comparison.  So if it is 0.3 percent from an HIV infected needle jab, then you must know it is 0% from oral sex.  The saliva alone is not a condusive environment for HIV to thrive.  

That is why I recommended either learning CBT to help you now and into the future and also to get the book I suggested.  There are breathing techniques that can help you to calm down.  There are written exercises that help you to turn those negative thoughts (your pessimistic view) into a more positive view, etc.  

I know it is hard, I struggled with my own HIV anxiety (OCD) both from being a teenager in the late 70s and early 80s when HIV was just emerging and we were all a bit free-wheeling with our bodies to the fact that I worked with it in a lab.  I sat in an AIDS clinic for weeks on my lunch hour just to convince myself that I can't just "get it."  Ever since knowing that I have been HIV negative, I donate blood all the time.  They test me everytime and I have no problem with that.  It will get better with the right help.  

Take care.