Please help, i am now scared that I really am a lesbian
Hi, I am a 20 year old girl and for the last four months I have been scared out of my mind. I recently was diagnosed with OCD but I'm doubting that diagnoses now, considering what I am going through. I have always been attracted to men. I had a questionable experience when I was younger (around seven) but, up until 4 months ago, I was attracted to men. Recently, in the last year, the obsessions that I had became much worse. They went from a fear of plagiarizing, to fear of having HIV, to a fear of any STDs, and finally, to a fear of hurting children. this fear was the worst because as it continued, I began to feel as if I was an actual criminal (though I have done nothing wrong). this fear transgressed to a fear of touching anyone inappropriately, including anyone I came in contact with. Then (this is where I'm terrified), I was sitting on my dorm bed, wondering why I had had such a strong compulsion to touch any girl I saw. My brain immediately stated "Because you're gay". Instead of getting freaked out, I felt happy for a moment before going "Wait? WHAT?" and suddenly feeling depressed. Interestingly enough, the day before, I had read about HOCD in an attempt to get rid of my now previous obsession and I thought, "well, I would rather obsess about being a lesbian than this". Even when I told myself that's what it was, I still felt like I was lying to myself and that I really am a lesbian, despite having had crushes on men and enjoyed sexual activities with men. I don't understand, that was FOUR MONTHS AGO and I just checked with lesbian porn and I got turned on, but when I checked with heterosexual porn, I didn't feel anything. I don't know what I am anymore. I went to a counselor and he said he didn't think I was gay but instead he thought it was OCD, but this feels different than my previous obsession. It doesn't feel like OCD. and the "false arousals" feel real. Sometimes I feel like I could have a relationship with a girl but when I think of getting married to a guy, I feel happy. PLEASE HELP ME
I also have always had dreams about having lots of friends who were girls but in none of those thoughts was there anything sexual. If I ever thought about anything sexual, it was always with a guy that I liked, whether he was fictional or real. Sometimes I think I could have a relationship with a girl and like it but other times I feel like I couldn't. Before this started, I was rather homophobic (as ashamed as I to admit) and whenever I saw lesbian porn, I felt apathetic to it instead of disgusted.
I am certainly no expert on this because basically I'm suffering from the same thing. It is totally ridiculous because I know in my heart that I'm straight. I have never had any kind of sexual relationship with another woman nor even wanted to. I have had relationships with more guys than I want to admit and have been married for years. Mine started similarly, one obsession morphing into another until you have this. I have gotten to the point I'm afraid to be around some of my female friends which is totally ridiculous.
I have learned though in my many years fighting ocd that the harder you try to push something out of your mind the more fixed it gets there. That is the worst thing you can do. My therapist gave me some really good advice.. to recognize the thought for what it is..it's your brain lying to you because you have ocd. It is just a symptom of the disease and it won't hurt you and there is no reason to be afraid of it, it's just brain lies. I am trying my best to do just that with this lesbian thing. But it's not an easy task, I have good days and bad. Good luck.
I have a question, does this obsession feel different to you than any of the other obsessions? I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I suffered from POCD, I had groinal responses but they never felt like real arousals. Now I come upon this obsession and they feel like real arousals... I'm so confused because before this obsession started I never thought about women that way. I'm scared that I really am suddenly gay because of this...I also get this crazy fake crushes but, compared to the crushes I've had on guys, they feel scary and not happy feeling...
I was thinking this morning...what if I was never with a man again...what if I never flirted with a guy again, etc., etc. It was not a good feeling and I wouldn't be happy about it at all. Kinda helped me a little bit.
If you concentrate too hard on any part of your body you are going to feel something. So you need to try to stop testing your responses. Know that is way harder than it sounds.
I thought this obsession felt different until I really stopped and thought about it. It is no different. Maybe just a little better at making you believe it. But if you are like I am it kind of came totally out of the blue and took me by surprise.
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