Please help am I a pedophile or molester :( :(

[Rjay2000]

:note that this is long if you can read until the end and help me that will be much appreciated:

Hi so I am 15 and for awhile now like 2 or 3 months I've been fearing that I am a pedophile

It started around last year where I saw a video of a young girl dancing (twearking) and I started to get an erection so I turned it off feeling so much guilt and scared I was a pedophile and that went on for like a couple of days then I just brushed it off but during that time I was going through hocd where you fear that you are gay I was going the that hard and I recently just got over it because I opened my eyes one morning and I was like "I don't like checking to see if I get aroused to gay porn so that means I'm not gay"but I never got an erection watching gay porn or anything like that just groinal response like my penis moving around

But then this pedophile thing came back full force and I don't know if it is real or not. People have told me on yahoo and this guy I have been emailing to help me with OCD that it is a thing called pocd.

Please note that I have just realised that I have suffered from OCD like most of my life e.g when I was 11 I was really convinced I had aids and would stay away from everybody that had like a cut or a sore on them and I've had religious doubt like afraid I will sell my soul and stuff or being possessed like I couldn't watch any scary movies that had devil or evil stuff in it cause I thought it would possess me and I will turn into the devil/ I've had thoughts of hurting myself and family like I would hear or watch something about like serial killers and stuff and i will stress over that I might be one of them or I could be one of them and it felt like I was being forced to do it/when I was around 12 I used to masturbate and I would watch my hands so much to get the semen off cause I'm scared I would touch something and a girl will touch the same spot I touched and then when she goes to the toilet she will put her hand on her vagina and get her pregnant like even when I washed my hands in hot water with soap I was still worried and sometimes still am/went though hocd and it felt so much like this pedophile OCD thing but this pedophile thing feels somewhat more real

Now back to the pedophile OCD.

It started back up when I was at my nieces birthday at the beach and her friend who is 10 was in a bikini and I looked at her butt and I kind of got an erection I don't know why but now that's what was killing me.

So now im checking to see if I get an erection to a 10 year old or a girl my age/adult and sometimes when I check it's like sometimes I don't get an erection to sexual thoughts of a little girl and sometimes my penis will start to feel erect or move to an erect state  I always thought a groinal response was when your penis moves abit not getting erect
And I've been suicidal over this cause I wouldn't want to be a pedophile and I feel like a monster I can't cope though a whole day anymore I'm never happy

I will always cry and breakdown because of this because I just don't want to be a pedophile!! I am really convinced that I am a pedophile because I got an erection thinking about it and just like hocd it feels like I'm liking these thoughts and want to do them but also like hocd I hate checking I don't like checking to see if I get sexually aroused thinking about a young girl and I just wouldn't want to do it / I am currently on anxiety/OCD medications because I have anxiety that is affecting my life and I can't go to school and stuff but please just message back I am really out of options I don't know what to do this just doesn't feel real cause I want to be with girls my age and when I'm older have kids of my own but I can't do that I just want to stop this thinking

Also if I may add when I was 13 my cousin who was 10 she came in my room and I was showing her headlocks like in ufc and I wanted to get an erection and stuff behind her when she was pressed against me because I've never done that before also I've been stressing over that and thinking about suicide over that I think it's cause I watched so much porn when I was 13 that my hormones just went crazy but I thought she would know what she was doing cause when I was her age I already knew what porn was and I was watching it

Also I have a fetish from these porns where the girl doesn't know what like sex is so like e.g let me show you this stretch and he would put his penis in her and say this is just stretching your insides and I would get turned on but I do feel like a pedophile for having those thoughts cause that is what pedophiles are like to children when trying to get sex from them :( please please help I'm really scared that I am a pedophile or is it just OCD cause I have had all the other types of OCD please please help I've posted on yahoo answers and all people say is "your a freak" and to go kill myself I shouldn't deserve to live but I don't know what's wrong I don't want to talk to anyone I want to talk to people online but it just doesn't feel real  thank you please reply

[Rjay2000]

hello sorry about my foolishness i know that i am not a pedophile and my ocd has gone away!!

but when i said that i wanted to get an erection when i was pressed against her
i meant that i had a thought of "what would it feel like if i pressed against her with an erection (which i didnt)"

and i think i got that thought because i was 13 and never done that before and it was the first time i was pressed against a girl like that

but i dont get those thoughts anymore
i am doing well with my anxiety and ocd :)

godbless

[AnnieBrooke]

Honey, you're a bundle of whirling thoughts, some sexual and some obsessive, but nothing you have said suggests you are a person with an interest in having sex with a child.  It just sounds like your hormones are just running rampant.  Remember that you aren't controlled by your thoughts, and you were raised to know one does not have sex with inappropriate partners, and that you will not act on random fantasies.  Someone might dream he had sex with a lion, but that doesn't mean that if he ever saw a lion in the zoo he would actually go try to have sex with it.  As the previous poster said, see your therapist, take your meds, and one other thing that really helps for anxiety is exercise.  It's one way you can make OCD work for you, get into a strict exercise regime.  The OCD overcomes the fact that it's repetitive and boring to work out.  lol  Take care.

[123tushar07]

you are not a pedophile for sure because if you were one you were not worried of all those things, basically its ocd with its usual characteristics of doubting ,checking and then all again.I would like you to tell that all these things are common for ocd sufferers , and these things will keep you hitting again and again until you seek treatment, you have to consult a psychiatrist for medicine and also a psychologist for cognitive behavior therapy , also you can purchase self help book like "Overcoming obsessive thoughts:How to gain control of you ocd by purdon and clarke