Hi. I'm glad I found this forum because I definitely need a help and I hope some doctor could give me answers and reassurances about this problem of mine. I first apologise for my English; it isn't perfect because I am a 17 year old girl from Italy. I live in a small town and I have been to a not very professional psychology a couple of times, but that didn't help. And I wish I can rest.
Last December I started questioning about not being in love with my boyfriend. I have been in love with him for more than a year and he was perfect to me. We have been apart for a lot because of his family and his university matters, but we never had problems with distance. Then last Christmas he went to the north to stay at his aun'ts house. I was alone and auddenly not frenetic for the first time because of holidays. And one day, I woke up wondering if I loved him. I suppose I suffer from paranoia because I am a very analytic person and so, that question scared me a lot. I was so sure I loved him, but why did I come up with that question? I got scared a lot. I started thinking about it and it was like a circle, very frustrating; that was an obsession to me. I couldn't stop crying because I was sure I loved him but that was like betrayal to me. I told him what was going on and he said he would have stayed with me, but I went on thinking and thinking about it so that became the huge problem that kept me away from him. Last April he said he couldn't take it anymore and we broke up. At first I felt apathic and automatic because that has been my feeling since December, but then it was like something unlocked in me, and I stopped thinking about my feelings for him, realising I was missing him. Meanwhile in January, feeling impotent. I checked on the Internet my symptoms and I found a very detailed article about OCD. I felt relieved but very afraid of me being subjected to such disturb. I also read that most Relationship OCDs are linked to homosexuality, but in that moment I didn't mind, because I knew that wasn't my case. I have never doubted about my sexuality. I have always been attracted from boys. I like virile and manly men, usually older. However, by recent times, seeing girls, I realised that it comes natural to me to look at them and envy their beautiful faces, their big breasts and their back. I have always had a vet low esteem (is it the proper term?) and I ain't beautiful, I know. I am I obsessed with beauty, and when I see my face and my body, I wish I could become beautiful, because I have always felt inferior. People say I'm brilliant, but I don't feel that special, because I am ugly. The fact of constantly looking at girls made me wonder if I am homosexual. I never thought of kissing a girl, just because I knew that wasn't a priority of mine, but now this scares me, because I don't know how I would feel. So now it is embarrassing when being surrounded by girls, because I know these questions would pop in my mind and my anxiety would grow. I am in a sort of apathy, I don't feel attracted from anything; I cannot even look at boys because my enthusiasm is gone. I just keep thinking and thinking about me being homosexual. Sometimes I think that this is just a moment, because I'm young, and teenage is tough but fundamental; but what if I am trying to repress my homosexuality? I keep thinking that I have always liked strong girls, that I always would have been like them, that I have always been a bit masculine because I was not the pretty one... I have always felt attracted from boys, but I could never attract them... And then I put in the psychological factor; my mom has never showed me love like I mean it (hugs and kisses), and I have spent my whole childhood and teenage struggling and loathing my dad because We were stubborn and careless; I hated him because he preferred my sister, who is the beautiful one.... But paradoxically I feel like I admire my dad because he is a smart and efficient man and I wish I could become like him... Do these things have something to do with me maybe homosexual?
More, my boyfriend was inexpert and clumsy; I always wanted a very virile and expert one in bed, but I loved him... Can this change my sexuality? And last, I really like feminine body and I wish mine was a perfect one... I often dreamed of men liking mine and telling me how my breasts were beautiful to them, howe skin was soft etc, but can this be some projection of what I would tell and do to girls? I think I am going mad. Maybe I just need someone who can reassure me that I'm not homosexual; I really don't know, but over thinking in every situation is really corroding my mind.
Thanks for reading.
Hi there and welcome to the forum. I want to tell you that I am not a doctor but rather a person with obsessive compulsive disorder.
First of all let me agree that your self-esteem seems to be really low. You have called yourself ugly, not beautiful. So the first thing that you need to do, that we all need to do, is accept ourselves the way we are and work with what we have. It is very, very normal especially at your age to want to be somebody else, to envy other people for what they have that you perceive you don't. I'm sure that you have a lot to offer and you are selling yourself short afterall you did have a boyfriend. We all want to be beautiful but you know what in the end it is what is inside that counts. A person can be beautiful but ugly on the inside and who wants that? I do the same thing. I see other people my age and I think, wow I'd like to look that good. So as far as the comparisons go, you are normal.
Homosexual OCD is actually pretty common. You have only to look through this forum to see that this is true. People that are gay, honestly, they know it pretty early on in life...think back to elementary school. So from what you have written, I don't think you are gay. I think that OCD has your head so messed up right now that you don't know which way is up.
You said you saw a psychologist but you didn't like them and you felt they didn't help you at all. Well, sometimes that happens. You need to feel comfortable with the person you are seeing. They will delve into the issues you have with your mom and dad and help you with those as well as your own. So I suggest that you give that another try.
The fact is, OCD doesn't go away by itself. You need to learn specialized techniques to help yourself get rid of these thoughts. You need to get to the point where you can say "whatever" and the thought goes away. It takes time to learn CBT but it is well worthwhile learning. Also, there is the medication route if that is something you think you may want to try. You could discuss that with the psychologist who would then refer you to somebody else, usually a psychiatrist.
If you cannot get to a psychologist anytime soon, they try to pick up the book The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free from OCD. It is not very expensive. But you do have to dedicate yourself to doing the worksheets, practicing the tecniques.
Lastly, just be you. You said you are brilliant...start there and make a list of your attributes rather than what you perceive to be your short-comings. Try to replace those negative thoughts with positive ones.
So ever since i got this HOCD it feels like I'm not as close to my girlfriend. This hocd came out of nowhere it all started about two weeks ago and it freaked me out but I'm starting to get control of it I don't think about it much. But now that I've figured out how to control that it feels like I don't love my girlfriend as much as before, but it's crazy because before all this happened I loved my girlfriend so much! I know I still love her and I wouldn't want to lose her or see her with other people and I don't wanna be with anyone else either I don't think about other people or nothing. I just wanna know is it normal to feel like this when you have hocd? Will my feelings for her come back and am I just freaking out again? Or what's going on? Can someone help me please??
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