Hi. I'm glad I found this forum because I definitely need a help and I hope some doctor could give me answers and reassurances about this problem of mine. I first apologise for my English; it isn't perfect because I am a 17 year old girl from Italy. I live in a small town and I have been to a not very professional psychology a couple of times, but that didn't help. And I wish I can rest.
Last December I started questioning about not being in love with my boyfriend. I have been in love with him for more than a year and he was perfect to me. We have been apart for a lot because of his family and his university matters, but we never had problems with distance. Then last Christmas he went to the north to stay at his aun'ts house. I was alone and auddenly not frenetic for the first time because of holidays. And one day, I woke up wondering if I loved him. I suppose I suffer from paranoia because I am a very analytic person and so, that question scared me a lot. I was so sure I loved him, but why did I come up with that question? I got scared a lot. I started thinking about it and it was like a circle, very frustrating; that was an obsession to me. I couldn't stop crying because I was sure I loved him but that was like betrayal to me. I told him what was going on and he said he would have stayed with me, but I went on thinking and thinking about it so that became the huge problem that kept me away from him. Last April he said he couldn't take it anymore and we broke up. At first I felt apathic and automatic because that has been my feeling since December, but then it was like something unlocked in me, and I stopped thinking about my feelings for him, realising I was missing him. Meanwhile in January, feeling impotent. I checked on the Internet my symptoms and I found a very detailed article about OCD. I felt relieved but very afraid of me being subjected to such disturb. I also read that most Relationship OCDs are linked to homosexuality, but in that moment I didn't mind, because I knew that wasn't my case. I have never doubted about my sexuality. I have always been attracted from boys. I like virile and manly men, usually older. However, by recent times, seeing girls, I realised that it comes natural to me to look at them and envy their beautiful faces, their big breasts and their back. I have always had a vet low esteem (is it the proper term?) and I ain't beautiful, I know. I am I obsessed with beauty, and when I see my face and my body, I wish I could become beautiful, because I have always felt inferior. People say I'm brilliant, but I don't feel that special, because I am ugly. The fact of constantly looking at girls made me wonder if I am homosexual. I never thought of kissing a girl, just because I knew that wasn't a priority of mine, but now this scares me, because I don't know how I would feel. So now it is embarrassing when being surrounded by girls, because I know these questions would pop in my mind and my anxiety would grow. I am in a sort of apathy, I don't feel attracted from anything; I cannot even look at boys because my enthusiasm is gone. I just keep thinking and thinking about me being homosexual. Sometimes I think that this is just a moment, because I'm young, and teenage is tough but fundamental; but what if I am trying to repress my homosexuality? I keep thinking that I have always liked strong girls, that I always would have been like them, that I have always been a bit masculine because I was not the pretty one... I have always felt attracted from boys, but I could never attract them... And then I put in the psychological factor; my mom has never showed me love like I mean it (hugs and kisses), and I have spent my whole childhood and teenage struggling and loathing my dad because We were stubborn and careless; I hated him because he preferred my sister, who is the beautiful one.... But paradoxically I feel like I admire my dad because he is a smart and efficient man and I wish I could become like him... Do these things have something to do with me maybe homosexual?
More, my boyfriend was inexpert and clumsy; I always wanted a very virile and expert one in bed, but I loved him... Can this change my sexuality? And last, I really like feminine body and I wish mine was a perfect one... I often dreamed of men liking mine and telling me how my breasts were beautiful to them, howe skin was soft etc, but can this be some projection of what I would tell and do to girls? I think I am going mad. Maybe I just need someone who can reassure me that I'm not homosexual; I really don't know, but over thinking in every situation is really corroding my mind.
Thanks for reading.