Seemingly would look at men's private area

[LightHopeTruth]

I thank God for this website. I am so glad. It's good to know we can discuss this issue and feel supported and not shamed. My experience started when I saw my male cousin in his spandex and the bulge was ugly and gross to me.  I was shocked.  I did not think it would be a problem until years later, I gave birth to my children and had major anxiety but I was still living at home. My story is I was very close to my father.  I felt that he trusted me more and was more close to me than my own mom.  During the problem in their marriage, both parents refused to talk to one another and I became their confidant (felt like).  When my mom left and lived somewhere else, my father expected me to take care of my younger siblings so I felt that he really relied on me and became a surrogate parent to my siblings.  Same with my mom, she confided in me.  Sometimes she shared private things.  After years of them being separated, thank God my parents decided to live together again.  This time, I was having full blown anxiety and depression from all the turmoils, after effect of the situation I was put in, confusion, and to top it off I just gave birth to my babies of my from my ex who was abusive to me, this and all at the same time.  The closeness I experienced with my dad I now realized is not healthy.  One time in the kitchen as my dad was talking to me and was physically close, I accidentally stared at his private area.  I noticed that he noticed that I did, and he backed off, leaving a comfortable space between him and I.  I felt safe; however, this became my crutch in dealing with awkward boundaries between opposite sex. To create a comfortable emotional and physical space, I unconsciously would make them seem to think that I look at their private.  It is now becoming awkward and debilitating esp. at work. It's catching up to me at work since I work with 2 males, father and son.  And I know that they think that I look at their private, but I don't.  I, sometimes, like others with OCD, would try so hard not to do it but would end up doing it even though in our hearts we have no intention nor interest whatsoever in looking at that area.  I am believing that by sharing this in the light, we will deprive it of its power to influence our senses and reactions to do the things we DO NOT want to do.  May God empower and help us overcome this sickness. And when we do overcome, let our testimony become a living hope to those who are going through it.  Thank You God, in Jesus' name, amen.  

[JGF25]

OCD shows up in many forms.  It shows up in things that horrify us.  You are horrified by the thought of looking at other people's private parts and so that is constantly on your mind.  I'm sure when you are talking with people you are waging a war with your own mind "don't look" and your brain says "but you want to."  When we say black our brain says white.  

I think that you have had a lot going on in your life and that you really should commit to getting better.  That would mean seeing a psychologist for both your personal/family issues along with your OCD and anxiety.  Do you have insurance to do this?  

Also, in the mean time try to concentrate on a part of the person's face and stare at it when you are talking to them.  Their nose, forehead, ear, etc.  Also, there is a breathing technique that you can do even when you are talking to people that will help you calm down.  You take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it for five seconds and count this out in your head, then let it all out through your mouth.  Practice this because when you are having a conversation you can do this breathing and they will not even know it.  It also serves to kind of occupy your brain while you are having a conversation.  

I do really hope you will seek a psychologist out.  

[LightHopeTruth]

no, but I was seeing a counselor for some personal/family issues.. I was not consistent with counseling.

[JGF25]

Did you ever seek treatment for your anxiety and OCD?