Sensorimotor OCD, does anyone else have it? and help!

hey whats doing im 17 i live in melbourne australia ive had really really bad sensorimotor ocd for more than five years now and its ruined my life. i used to be an A+ student, a national level sprinter and one of the popular kids at school, but the smocd forced me to quit as i just couldnt train anymore, and i now barely pass in school. i love sport so much but i cant play, i cant do anything i dont leave the house much apart from school. ima very out-going sociable person and ive been told im the funniest person alive by people, but the smocd makes me unable to socialise with anyone, i just cant be myself i cant talk or do anything. i just wanna be able to do whatever i want, whenever i want, to the best of my ability without having the smocd affecting me. i now have no true close friends, i feel so alone like no one understands the hell i am going through 24/7.

to describe what my problem is: breathing, as in im always thinking about it and cant stop paying attention to it and doing it, always trying to take a bigger and more complete breath thats feels right otherwise i feel really really uncomfortable; blinking, as in i cant stop thinking about it and i cant stop blinking constantly, like literally every 1 2 seconds; sometimes swallowing; fingers feel uncomfortable so i have to keep cracking them; armpits feel uncomfortable in a shirt; various parts of bosy feel uncomfortable and i need to scratch several times, usually both sides of body, like if one arm then other arm same part too; cant stop sniffling and thinking about it, same with clearing my throat, and lastly this is really hard to explain but i cant stop like tensing without meaning to? like i cant stop putting pressure if you know what i mean? this and the blinking and breathing are the worst, they are there every second of every day its a ******* nightmare.

im in year 12 so i need to study but i cant concentrate and i have no energy, i really need help im so desperate i pray every night, its all ill ever want, my only wish, just for it to go away. i just wanna start and live my life with the smocd gone forever, please help me! im seeing a psychologist but we just talk, we havent done anything to help me really, i want to try erp and cbt and anything that will help! and im on lovan but it doesnt really help that much, i have some good days occasionally, but usually its ****. at school every recess and lunch and even during class i got to the toilets to try to make myself feel right but it doesnt work and the rest of my day is ****, i just keep my head down and go into my shell as it gets so bad i cant socialise with anyone. the longest ive ever gone without the smocd has been five hours about a month ago, but i have been unable to repeat that as yet. im trying really hard to find ways to beat it because im fed up i just wanna live.

i felt really alone when i first googled ocd because it was the closest sounding thing to what i had, but it wasnt the same, i didnt do or feel any of the things that were in the common symptoms. recently i delved deeper to be more specific about my ocd but ive only found the ocd chicago article which is amazing, and everything dr steven seay has written. it feels really good to know im not alone and that others are going through the same **** and understand what im feeling. anyone else going through this **** hit me up ! :) sorry for the huge ******* post my bad yall but this is straight from the heart emotional ****, but i really need help i just wanna be able to do whatever i want, whenever i want, to the best of my ability, and not have the smocd affecting me.

[JGF25]

Hi there and welcome to the OCD forum.  

I was really sad reading your post.  Your OCD has made you do a complete 180 in your life and really who could blame you for being really, really upset.  

So I do have a couple of question for you.  You said you are seeing a psychologist but that it is only talk therapy.  Well talk therapy can be helpful but from my own experience CBT is the best therapy for somebody with OCD.  If your psychologist doesn't teach CBT, then you really should find somebody that does.  It is a critical component in my mind in the fight against OCD and it is something that I learned years ago and still rely on to this day.  

You said you are taking Lovan which in the US is Prozac.  I took that a long time ago.  What dose are you on and how long have you been taking it?  I am going to go on the assumption that you are not seeing a psychiatrist for the medication.  Some general doctors are pretty good with OCD and others not so much.  So my suggestion would be to find a psychiatrist as well who can manage your medication.  If it is not working then it either isn't the correct medication for you or you are on the wrong dose.  For myself, it helped in the beginning to take a benzodiazepine to take the edge off.  Once my medication built up to an effective level in my system, I didn't need to take the benzo during the day anymore.  I don't know what they are called in Australia but in the US they are Xanax and Klonopin.  So this is something you should really talk to the psychiatrist about as to whether he/she thinks it could help you in the short-term.  Klonopin is one that people take on a more longer-term basis.  

OCD is awful no matter what kind you have.  However, I am proof that you can get better in that I do take medication and I practice CBT and I live a very normal life.  I just think at the moment you are not getting the right kind of help that you need to live your life normally.  

A book that a lot of people use is called The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.  It has a rating of 5 stars and so you may think about getting this book.  

I know it is hard but you have to think positive.  You know what you are doing isn't working so you need to make some life changes.  

Psychologist that teaches CBT

Psyciatrist who can better manage your medication and is I'm sure much more familiar with what is out there and what dose you need to be at.  And also talk to him/her about possibly adding either Xanax or Klonopin to your medication regimen in the short run to give you some relief.  

Try to remember that you were not always like this.  You lived a very normal and happy life.  OCD doesn't have to take somebody, turn them around 180 and they never recover from it.  People learn to live with OCD very well and your willingness to take medication makes it, in my opinion, that much easier.  I fall back on past positive experiences all the time.  

Get the The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

Please keep me informed as to your progress.  Remember only you can make yourself better by taking the appropriate steps to get well.  You have a good start but it just isn't enough right now.  Talk to your parents, and get the right doctors involved so that you can get better, pass high school and go on to college and live a very successful life.  

Keep in touch.  I want to know about your positive progress!  

[JGF25]

Hi there and welcome to the OCD forum.  

I was really sad reading your post.  Your OCD has made you do a complete 180 in your life and really who could blame you for being really, really upset.  

So I do have a couple of question for you.  You said you are seeing a psychologist but that it is only talk therapy.  Well talk therapy can be helpful but from my own experience CBT is the best therapy for somebody with OCD.  If your psychologist doesn't teach CBT, then you really should find somebody that does.  It is a critical component in my mind in the fight against OCD and it is something that I learned years ago and still rely on to this day.  

You said you are taking Lovan which in the US is Prozac.  I took that a long time ago.  What dose are you on and how long have you been taking it?  I am going to go on the assumption that you are not seeing a psychiatrist for the medication.  Some general doctors are pretty good with OCD and others not so much.  So my suggestion would be to find a psychiatrist as well who can manage your medication.  If it is not working then it either isn't the correct medication for you or you are on the wrong dose.  For myself, it helped in the beginning to take a benzodiazepine to take the edge off.  Once my medication built up to an effective level in my system, I didn't need to take the benzo during the day anymore.  I don't know what they are called in Australia but in the US they are Xanax and Klonopin.  So this is something you should really talk to the psychiatrist about as to whether he/she thinks it could help you in the short-term.  Klonopin is one that people take on a more longer-term basis.  

OCD is awful no matter what kind you have.  However, I am proof that you can get better in that I do take medication and I practice CBT and I live a very normal life.  I just think at the moment you are not getting the right kind of help that you need to live your life normally.  

A book that a lot of people use is called The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.  It has a rating of 5 stars and so you may think about getting this book.  

I know it is hard but you have to think positive.  You know what you are doing isn't working so you need to make some life changes.  

Psychologist that teaches CBT

Psyciatrist who can better manage your medication and is I'm sure much more familiar with what is out there and what dose you need to be at.  And also talk to him/her about possibly adding either Xanax or Klonopin to your medication regimen in the short run to give you some relief.  

Try to remember that you were not always like this.  You lived a very normal and happy life.  OCD doesn't have to take somebody, turn them around 180 and they never recover from it.  People learn to live with OCD very well and your willingness to take medication makes it, in my opinion, that much easier.  I fall back on past positive experiences all the time.  

Get the The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

Please keep me informed as to your progress.  Remember only you can make yourself better by taking the appropriate steps to get well.  You have a good start but it just isn't enough right now.  Talk to your parents, and get the right doctors involved so that you can get better, pass high school and go on to college and live a very successful life.  

Keep in touch.  I want to know about your positive progress!  

[jae_millz]

Wow thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond to my story. I am amazed that you care, god bless you.

I didn't go to school today because I stayed up till like 4 talking to mum about everything i feel, and we had a really good heart-to-heart conversation because she always feels like i keep it all inside and dont tell anyone, but just by writing it down here it already made me feel i can explain it much more clearer then eve before.

So i saw a new psychologist today and she was really good, she asked me all these in-depth questions about what i'm feeling. She decided that it may be a combo of cod and a tic disorder because with the blinking, she said it doesnt sound like ocd because although i can be perfectly fine one minute, then the thought comes in that i cant stop blinking and then i cant, theres no compulsion i just cant stop thinking about blinking, and i cant stop blinking like every couple seconds. She said the breathing is OCD but the blinking may not be, she isn't sure yet.

I told her I'd spent my whole weekend reading about sensorimotor ocd and apparently the best way to treat it is with ERP so i asked if we could do that. She told me about how it works and i'm going to try it now. She's also gonna send me all this stuff to read to help, so i'm really excited.

I asked her about my medication, i'm on three Lovans a day, she asked me whether it helps and I wasn't sure. I said I had this really good day a couple of weeks ago where before I went to bed I got myself mentally all ready like 'my life starts tomorow, the obsessions wont affect me anymore' and for five hours they didnt, which is the longest ever. Then another day my blinking was really bad, and i couldnt even look at anyone it was so bad so i had a free period and i studied in the library, as i had a test later on. I didnt look up i just completely focused on studying, and I stayed there all through lunch time and i finally got up after like 2 hours to go to my next class, and the blinking wasn't there anymore! the breathing obsession came instead but it was the first time ever I'd been having a bad day and it had improved, so I was really encouraged. A similar thing happened recently with the breathing, It had been really bad all day then it got better randomly.

But I've also had some really bad days recently, so I don't know if the meds help or not. I was on two for awhile, since this year i moved up to three. So I don't know whether it actually helps or its just a placebo, but either way I feel more confident and 'safe' with it. I'm seeing a psychiatrist tomorow to talk about changing medication. I'm done with this ****, I'm gonna beat it now. Sorry again for the massive post, you dont have to read it I'm just spilling my guts out, but yeah I just wanna start my life! and once again thank you so much for listening, I just wanna hug you haha :)

[JGF25]

I'm really glad that you had a nice long talk with your mom and got everything out that you are feeling.  I have a son your age and I would hate to think he was suffering and not coming to me for help.  

You have a wonderful plan going on.  New psychologist who is going to teach you ERP and seeing a psychiatrist to check out about the meds.  I'm so happy for you.  Don't forget to mention the benzo but I'm not really sure they will prescribe it to somebody your age actually.  But it is not going to hurt to bring it up.  

Also, you mentioned that writing helps you.  Well you could try journaling your thoughts.  For example write down the negative thoughts you have and replace them with positive ones.  

I can't help you with the tic disorder but I know that they do go hand-in-hand sometimes with OCD.  

My very best to you and I'm wishing you only good days ahead.  

Take care.

[jae_millz]

Thank you heaps! I can't remember what its called but I'm going to try something new, the pychiatrist thinks it will work better. Yeah I'll start writing down how I feel, and the pychologist already made me write down my negative thoughts and change them to postive. But yeah once again thanks so much for your concern :)

[kennedy7981]

My god i kno exactly wat ur talking about i am the exact same.its driving me to the point of thinking about suicide.help!!!!email me ***@**** i cant take benzos as i am a recovering addict and wat id ERP???

[Ithinkofdeath]

I've had imo ocd since I was 3ish I remember it well seeing the new mysterious illness that was killing people . I could go on with how many things freaked me out as a lil kid but what point would that server. I'll just say if you can get any help at anytime with ocd that's a great thing. My self I thought I was going to be a murderer or something when I got older because I developed a violent flash in my minds eye and would think about doing  some really bad things to normal strangers or people in my family. Anyway my life has been in the toilet the whole time and if there was a way out i'd take it in a second, all the meds out there dont make me feel like a good person because, well, ima think about chopping somones fingers off with scissors, or take a meat cleaver and cut their head off. It's such bs I know but Im not trying to think about it, the ideas come from somewhere in me I have no idea where but they just show up during good times/bad times. I hate the **** so much lol because the only thing that helps is taking drugs and that makes it worse after about a day. So I can only think that if there is a god he made me for killing people or writing about killing people,maybe when anarchy sets in i'll finally ******* feel like a normal person!

[Ithinkofdeath]

Hey suicide won't help caz it leaves a black spot on everyone's life that loves/cares about you, even the ones we seem to push away the most. I have no idea what to do anymore either man, I do know that drugs **** my **** up bad caz it makes my ocd switch off a bit or all the way (depending on the drugs I use) and whle I'm doing drugs I don't do the things I should. It's really just a ****** up cycle of complete dawg ****. The thing is you've went this far in life dealing with all the **** life has including having to see the world through the eye of ocd. What's the point of trying anymore? Well how about finishing the equation called life? It's not supposed to end with your friends and loved ones cleaning your blood up out of your bathroom or rolling up the bead room floor carpet to get your stains off the carpet caz they found you  dead after a week. Life is a ***** I never felt I belonged anywhere except with (bad) people who are like me and want to see **** be ****** up. If I and all the rest of us have to deal so do you.

[KevFeez]

I am an exact replica of your story. It's hell I wouldn't wish on the devil. My mind tells me I deserve. Suicide seems rational at this point. I wont tho. Best of luck. **** I used to have such a good time now I can barely smile

[JGF25]

Are you seeing a psychologist?  

[jrhoades]

I have been dealing with Sensorimotor OCD for about five to six months now. I started dealing with it in 2009 before my high school graduation. It lasted three months and then went away by the help of counselors and God. It came back again a year later after my open heart surgery. But then it went away by techniques I used to overcome it, once again faith played a role as well. But now I have been dealing with it for six months and it still hasn't went away even when trying my older techniques used before. My Sensorimotor obsessions are not to different from some mentioned here. I focus on my breathing, how my tongue sits in my mouth, I focus on swallowing and blinking. I am also fixated on clearing my throat which is a hard one to deal with.

I've been doing my best to hang in there. My biggest fear is that these will not go away this time. I've been hoping they will like they did the last time, but no success yet. I am on antidepressant medication and do see a therapist about every two weeks who specializes in CBT. We have talked about these quirks quite a bit, and we are getting on a road to figuring out what to do. I would really like to try ERP therapy which I think would greatly help me.

I am a college student, and the difference with me is, I haven't given up despite the rough challenges of dealing with these irrational obsessions. I know that there is hope and it is not the end of the road. I have overcome these by faith and determination before, I know that I can do it again. Just tired of dealing with the fear of them not going away, deep inside though I know they will if I let this fear go.
      With these obsessions sometimes I find it hard to socialize or even speak with people. Mainly because I'm afraid that when I do socialize that I might try and clear my throat, or will be thinking about swallowing or how my tongue sits while I'm trying to speak with somebody. However, I do it anyways. In my heart no matter what it takes I am not going to let this take over my life.
  I would like to know more about the book you mentioned, The OCD Workbook, I think it would really help me go further.

[JGF25]

The OCD Workbook has a whole section on ERP.  Basically the book is broken down in to a couple of parts.  Part I is title "Learning about OCD".  Part II is the "Self-Directed Program", Part 3 is "Using the Self-Directed Program for Specific Forms of OCD, and Part 4 is "Co-occuring Disorders, Family Issues, and Finding Help."  There is alot about Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP)  There are worksheets, etc.  Why don't you ask your therapist about it?  Or I think on Amazon, you can get a look "Inside" the book.  With just a cursory glance of my book, I don't see sensorimotor OCD but I think that the strategies would work for all types of OCD symptoms.  

Can I ask how long you have been on the anti-depressant medication?  Do you feel it is working for you at all?  

And you are so right about past positive experiences.  I use that all the time.  "I got better before and therefore I can and will get better this time".  It is so true.   The stuff we find to torture ourselves with is just unbelievable!  Wishing you the best.  

[jrhoades]

The anti-depressant medicine has been doing okay I guess. Right now I am taking Celexa 20 mg. I was on 40 for a little while, but it began affecting my memory so I had to go down. When I first started dealing with OCD my obsessions were mostly on hurting people. The medicine helped get rid of those thoughts, and it's still working for me in this area. However, it's not helping with my mind being stuck on my tongue, swallowing, and blinking + breathing. Clearing my throat as stated earlier is one of the worse habits of mine and is so difficult to stop. And the more I think about my tongue the more my jaw and mouth hurts, plus clearing my throat makes it hurt to. It seems as if my moods are just really low, and they immeditly go low without much effort. When one little quirk bothers me for just a few minutes my moods drop. However, a couple of years ago when I dealt with these quirks, and I was on prozac 10 milligrams, I seemed to do a lot better. My moods didn't drop as fast. My attitude about the quirks is beginiing to change somewhat for the better. Since I have been dealing with them for about half a year now, I'm to the point to where if they are there its not a bad thing, but if they are not, it's even better. Still hanging in there. I have been on antidepressant medication for six years now.

[JGF25]

I'm glad to see that you are doing somewhat better.  That whole hurting people...I've been there...it stinks and I'm glad you got over that one.  When I closed my eyes and pictured myself hurting someone, I quickly realized that it wasn't something I would ever do.  But anyway, do you think that you were doing better on the Prozac than the Celexa?  

[jrhoades]

Yes I felt like I was doing better. Eventually though it did have the poop out effect and that's why I had to switch to Celexa. I almost wonder if Cymbalta would be a better choice for me because it works not just with Serotonin but Norepinephrine if that is how you spell it. Not sure though if that neurotransmitter is having problems or not. However, my doctor did switch me to Paxil for awhile a few years ago and then had me switch back to prozac and it started working better. Not sure yet. And yeah that is how I overcame those thoughts about harming others, I realized that I wouldn't do it.

[JGF25]

Yeah...it is a trial and error...I actually take Wellbutrin which is a SNRI and it works well for me if that helps at all.  My doctor also wanted me to try Paxil but I figured Wellbutrain was working well enough (sometimes I will get a panic attack in the car) but it has less sexual side effects so I stayed on it.  Take care.  

[Koala30]

hi, I am from Germany, 30 years old and suffering from sensorimotor OCD for 12 years now. Sometimes it is better. But it is never gone. I think of swallowing and breathing all the time. I feel if I were drowning. I often think that this will destroy my whole life, because I can never really enjoy things. I am so jealous if I see other people happy.
Did you try ERP Therapy. I read about it, but I am really afraid to try it.
Take care and good night!

[CricketStrom]

Hi there,

Hi Koala and others. You have made the very hard first step of recognizing the problem. Your situation is not hopeless, and many people (myself included) have come out from the pain where you are to feel free and happy and alive again. You can do it too. Lean on the support of people who have been through and are going through what you are going through to learn how to get better. It is surprisingly helpful and important to talk to other people with the same experiences.

One thing that calms me down in the moment is to engage in a more healthy ritual that occupies my mind until the urge/obsession passes. If I feel like I can't breathe, for example, because I'm so fixated on my throat and jaw that it feels overwhelming, I will do a breathing mediation.
On breathing in, I think to myself 'Calm,'
on breathing out 'Smile,'
next breath in 'Present Moment,'
breath out 'Wonderful Moment.'

Sometimes I count my breaths:
'Inhale 1,'
'Exhale 1,'
'Inhale 2,'
'Exhale 2,'
etc., trying to reach 10 before I lose track. If I do lose count, I start over again. If I get to ten, I then go backwards.

I try to keep my mind as calm as possible instead of being anxious about doing it right by physically relaxing my face, neck, scalp, shoulder muscles every time I feel them tense up again.

These methods help me in the moment to get out of really tight spots, like when I feel like I'm going to die. I also gradually work on the sources of my OCD with processes like CBT, EMDR, the OCD Workbook, Neurofeedback, and healthy habits like eating regularly and getting protein & veggies, exercising, communicating with others. These topics are addressed in posts above mine.

[jrhoades]

I wanted to come out and share with others in this forum about everything I have learnt with Sensor-motor Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I have been dealing with this type of OCD for going on 3 years now. I did face times of major healing and went months without dealing with the bodily obsessions. However, as I have stated earlier in this forum, I have now been dealing with it for six months now. The great news is, I am beginning to overcome it. I have now went a few days or more without the thoughts. I want to share a new strategy that I found a few days ago that could help. However, each person has a different way with coping. This is just an option to try.
           Over the past six months I have tried many coping strategies that I had used before to help with the bodily obsessions. However, they didn't seem to work. I was beginning to loose hope more than a few days ago until I realized something (I will come to this soon). I was trying so bad to get rid of them and was so upset because they wouldn't go away. This kind of coping does not work. I don't know if any of you have had other people telling you to ignore them? There is a lot of people who don't understand how difficult that is to do. This time since none of my other coping strategies worked other than just trying to ignore them, I formed a new one.
      Learn to embrace the bodily obsessions. Learn to accept them as a part of yourself. This idea is also very similar to ERP therapy. When you accept them as a part of you, you begin to just let them happen. And slowly but surely as you accept them and let them happen, you will begin to loose focus on them and think about other things. You will even be able to distract yourself more easier. It does take time though. See if you try to ignore them you will drive yourself crazy and only make it worse. You will only highten the fear of them and make them stay on your mind longer. Trust me I have been there. But since I have now embraced them, I have been doing a lot better.
     Let's take a look at an example. Let's say that you have something about yourself that you may never be able to change. If you get upset about it and try to change it as hard as you can; but then you can't, your only going to make things worse for yourself. However, if you embrace it, you begin to let it go and move on with your life. By accepting something that we may not be able to change, then we can move on from fear and begin to live. There is nothing better than being at peace with yourself.
     I decided a few days ago that I was tired of trying to let these quirks go by force and was tired of always trying to distract myself because it was not working. Instead I decided to embrace them and let them be a part of me. And now I have been at peace with myself. And by doing this, I have also just let them happen when they do. But as I embrace them, it makes things easier on my symptoms. And now I find that through a majority of the day, I am not even thinking about them. And when I do, they don't actually bother me. I have come along way and you can to.
    I have not been a lone though. I have had people who have supported me, and have reminded me of my strengths to get through this. You can't always begin to embrace bodily obsessions on your own. You do need help and support from others to remind you of your strength. Trust me there is hope and now I have found it. I hope this will help some of you.

[JGF25]

Thank you for sharing your success story. You are right in that we have to give the thoughts no credit because when we fight them they just stay around longer. Best of luck to you.

[Koala30]

Thank you for sharing your positiv expiriences with us. That makes me hope again. I know, that you are right when you say I have to embrace it. But it is soooooooo hard. It ruins my whole life. I think, it is my way to deal with other problems, because when I worry about my OCD, that ist worse than everything else. I know that, but my body cant give up this strategie. I went to a therapist for 5 years and learned to deal with my problems. But the OCD always comes back.
Have a good week!

[TeamBills]

Going through the same as the people above. Wish everyone the best of luck with this. Don't really have anything to add about this Sensorimotor OCD, because everyone has already said it.

And wishing everyone the best of luck with this.