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So confused about what I'm feeling... Someone please help
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So confused about what I'm feeling... Someone please help

This is a LONG post so please PLEASE bare with me. I really need some help, guidance, and support. I posted this in the anxiety forum too, but I wanted to post it here too since people on this board will have different experiences than the people on the anxiety board and I can hopefully get more feedback. I'm so thankful for anything that you can tell me to help.

When I was a kid I suffered from intrusive thoughts that would keep me from living a normal life. I would become so consumed by the thoughts I couldn't eat. My parents thought it was just growing pains or something and didn't take me to a doctor but eventually I grew out of it.  As I reached adulthood I had another bought with a kind of intrusive thought and chalked it up to anxiety and my GP put me on zoloft which I've been on ever since. A few months ago I weaned off since my husband and I want to have a baby.

About four weeks ago I went out with a friend from work and really binge drank. I am NOT normally a big drinker, but that night I drank A LOT, WAYYY more than I ever do. I mean I'm not even someone that even sits with a glass of wine on Saturday night watching T.V. I usually only have a drink or two if I'm out with friends. So please don't think I'm a drunk, I'm not.

So we had fun I was social and talking to people, started to get ready to come home and my husband came and picked me up.  The next day I was hungover (of course) and felt a little bit of drinkers remorse (that feeling you sometimes get after drinking that makes you feel guilty like you've done something wrong) well the next day I all of the sudden felt like I had cheated on my husband while I was out. I mean really that's impossible I don't remember anything like that, my friend doesn't remember anything like that at all happening... but it was just the terrible thought that popped into my brain and would not go away.  I had a panic attack and felt like I was dying. I decided that I obviously was suffering from anxiety (maybe kickstarted by the alcohol) again and when back to my GP and she put me back on my zoloft.

I had TERRIBLE start up side effects (not sleeping, no appetite, more anxiety). After three weeks I went back in and she upped my dose from 50mg to 100mg (she wanted me to do 75mg for a few days then 100) I never made it do the 100 because I felt so awful on the 75.  I felt like maybe she was the wrong person to ask about this she seemed to want to write me an RX and send me off without really talking to me so I decided to see a psychiatrist.

After talking with the psychiatrist they determined that I wasn't actually suffering from anxiety but OCD which makes sense since my grandfather has it. I looked it up and that makes way more sense with the intrusive thoughts and all.
He is cross tapering me off of the zoloft and onto fluvoxamine (Luvox). He's also going to start me on CBT.

Having OCD is something I'm trying to wrap my head around.  I've been researching it and it definitely fits with how I've felt my whole like (except while I was on zoloft) but some of the other symptoms that I don't have (like hallucinations) and downright scary. Am I at risk to develop those too? Is this all going to get worse with age? Will I even have a normal life?

Right now I feel so anxious and afraid I'm sure a lot of it is starting the new medicine and it not being fully in my system yet (i'm only one 25 mg and will be going up to 100)

Can someone please give me some insight on what I can expect and if I'll be able to have a normal life?  

My proc wrote me and RX for xanax (.25 mg) in case I had another panic attack and I woke up at like 4:30 this morning and could not sleep and felt very panicky (I'm always worse in the mornings) and took half a xanax and waited half and hour and I felt nothing but more jittery I took the other half and still only jitters. It did nothing for my anxiety at all.

Someone please give me ANY info you have on either OCD and anxiety or my new medicine or my situation. I feel like my life is lost and I'm doomed to be miserable forever :(
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Hi there.  Doubt is a big part of OCD and that is what you are experiencing after your night of drinking.  For OCD people it is all about finding closure for each thought and when you can't, things get a bit tricky.  The CBT you will learn will be very helpful to you for situations like this.  You will learn to self-coach and let these thoughts go (with help from your medication).  

As far as what people with OCD experience, all I can tell you is it is different for each person.  I don't have hallucinations and I'm not worried I will start having them either.  I can't worry about something I have no control over.  

Glad you have some Xanax to take but I'm wondering if it is a high enough dose?  Half of a .25 probably wouldn't help me much either.  When I had to up my meds, I took klonopin 1 mg.  I did cut it in half to see if that would work but eventually I ended up taking the other half.  I haven't found anyone that really doesn't fight taking the benzos which is kind of funny because we all end up taking that other half anyway.  

I had that jittery feeling as well for 4 weeks or so after my medication increase.  I think it is very common.  I took the klonopin, tried to keep myself busy and practiced my CBT.  The evenings were better for me.  Maybe they are for you as well.  

You asked if you will be miserable forever.  The answer is no and you already know that because you have had OCD all along and you were fine on the other medication.  You need to remember those past positive experiences.  If you got better before, you will get better again.  

I also want to throw out the fact that I took OCD medication during my entire second pregnancy (low dose prozac) and my son turned out fine.  There is a lot of research out there about these medications and pregnancy.  For my 20 year old I made it to about the 3.5 month mark before I went on medication including klonopin.  He is fine too.  So don't go thinking you can't have children.  It is obviously preferable to be medication free when you are pregnant but if you are going to be a hysterical mess and not eat, etc. then that is just as bad for the baby.  
Thanks so much for your reply. This whole thing has really rocked my world, I haven't really felt this out of control since I was a kid.

I really REALLY appreciate your feedback on the pregnancy aspect. That's been a major source of stress/guilt for me. My husband and I have decided to put trying on pause while I get my head right again and I feel guilty that our plans are put on hold because of me. He's been very supportive and encouraging but it's still tough to deal with.

I feel a lot better know your pregnancies were fine with you being on meds. That's like a huge weight off my shoulders.
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