Someone please help me! I think i hocd!

[littlejo622]

Hi,  I am 20 years old, and i think i have hocd. What really makes me nervous however, is that all other stories i've read, people have been suffering from hocd for a month, or two, but i've been suffering for over 2 years... which is really just making me think that's it's nothing i can just get rid of, so i must be a lesbian!!

It's usually triggered when i start getting close to a guy, it's like my mind slams on the breaks and says "wait you can't date him, you're probably a lesbian" and then i just shut down! I can't even watch tv shows like degrassi, or one tree hill when one of the main characters "come out" i just become in a state of panic right away and i'm like oh my god, this as to be some sort of sign right? i mean i'm pretty sure my sister (whos also watching the same show as me) is not feeling this way rightnow! IT *****!!! I just wanna cry all the time, it's runing my life!!!

I've been struggling with high levels of stress and anxiety for many years, and i always worry about everything...

When i was younger i experimented with my girl friends, like we played house, and one of us was the mommy and one of us was the daddy and we'd makeout like mommy's and daddy's do.. and it's like i constantly think about that!

Then there's the whole "gay-dar" thing that they say gay people have and when i hear that i panic like "omg when they look at me they must know that im gay, they must" and i become all depressed aagain!! I have a couple of friends that i grew up with, who are now lesbians and they dated guys before too and seemed happy, and now they're gay! All i think about is "what if im next!?" Like i know it's not something thats your choice, but I DONT WANT TO BE GAY!! Like a girl i work with was talking about how shes too straight to be gay, her and her roommates would walk around in their bras and it was like whatever, then i thought about how i would be in that situation, and its like, why cant i just be confident and straight like her!!!!!

OH and when people around me suddenly bring up gay people, im like "oh my god, they know, this conversation is totally directed towards me !" and of course again i panic, shut down, cry and just cant get out of that dark place!

I've been in counselling for about 2 weeks now, i told my mom, my sister and my 2 bestfriends about this, and i mean each of them looked at me straight in the face after hearing my story and flat out said "youre just paranoid, youre not gay!" which it's always nice to have a support system right? BUT then i think about it sometimes and its like "well is that my way of 'coming out' them!?!"

The thoughts dont happen as often as they used to, but when they happen they're bad!! I completely shut down... and that scares me too, because i read somewhere that an hocd person cannot silence their thoughts when they happen, whereas a gay person can!! and i can sometimes!!!! :( And ive also heard that gay people get are scared to come out because of what others may think about them, whereas hocd people dont, and i would care about what others thought because i dont want to come out, because i'm not gay!! :(( I just want this all to end!

When i was about 16 or 17 i did something, i don't really remember what it was, but anyways one of my friends looked at me and just said, "lesbo" and i broke down!! I feel like maybe that's when it all started :((

Sometimes when i watch porn, it's the girl that turns me on.. My sister said that's normal, that alot of girls do... But i just dont like it!! And the othe day i was at walmart and i saw a magazine that had miley cyrus on the cover and she was showing some skin and i got that feeling down below and of course i started to panic!!!!

I just started a relationship with a guy, and im so happy, but the only reason that i'm hesitant about it, is because of these gay thoughts.. and part of me just feels like i should break things off with him because he shouldn't have to deal with someone like me.. i mean these thoughts are just not normal!!! But i really dont want to break things off because i do really like him! My other friend I should tell him about it, because a in a relationship there should just be honesty, no matter what the issue right? but as i mentioned before, when i tell people, i just feel like im "coming out" and i HATE IT!!

please please help me!! I really do not want to be gay! I want to be normal, and happy and get married and have kids! I just want these thoughts and panic attacks to just stop! I would honestly truly be happy if these thoughts didnt happen! I'm tired of crying all the time, looking for constant reassurance, and loosing sleep over it! I just want to be Happy and live my life with no worries, and no regrets! But this, this disease has taken over me and put me in such a dark place where i feel like i can't live my own life! PLEASE HELP ME ;(

[stressedashell]

*correction: I realized I was not really interested in fantasizing about the college guy anymore and that's why I flipped a ****.
I think also that before this im gay thought popped into my head that it bothered me that i had to notice other girls beauty and be jealous. so of course this is my hocd mind's "sign" that ive always secretly been a lesbian or bi. which is nuts because i never felt attracted to them just admirable and most of the time jealous as ***

[stressedashell]

Yes omg. yes again we are identical. This week I was researching when gay people found out they were gay and it made me spike. I know I shouldn't have been looking but I obsessively did anyway. but yes I look at girls and admire them for there beauty to. but I could never think of wanting them in that way. but my stupid brain keeps telling me I do but I just don't realize it. which I know isn't the case! I have this guy I used to like a lot. major physical and mental turn on. he's in his first year of college so I never see him much now and in October I kinda got over him and had fantasies about different guys in school. but only for like a week at a time. nothing long term. then I tried to fantazise about the guy i'd liked for forever and found I was really interested in doing so. this scared the crap out of me because I have always been able to fantasize about him and get off to him.  sorry that's graphic but.. anyway, now he is single and I think might be showing an interst in me but I can't feel anything back. I get excited when he texts me and jealous when another girl flirts with him. but I can't feel very much ssexually or mentally/romantically. It makes me worry that I never felt anything for him at all but just liked the attention he gave me when hje flirted with me. NOOOO! I know it wasn't that. But my mind keeps telling me it was. I feel nothing towards anybody now. and like you the whole fact that I've alwwayss been aware of pretty girls and wished I could look like them makes be paranoid as well. but my mind makes me look at them even longer now because of a combination of jealousy and the hocd thing. Euhhhh! anyone comment and help please!

[littlejo622]

I really appreciate everyone's comments but i just keep going through these ups and downs and i dont know what to do .. Like i go a couple of weeks perfectly fine and then all of sudden i spiral back down again like your comment about how you think of hot guys and it calms you down well i do but then i think in my head "am i just doing this to shut me up?" And i do look at other girls, but it's because im such an insecure person that i admire other girls in a way that like "i wanna look like that" it just makes me paranod that what if they think im checking them out! Like its horrifying, why does this have to happen to me!? Then there's the whole sex thing with my boyfriend, i get turned on easily by him but im not able to orgasm.... Sorry to be blunt, but that worries the **** outta me!!!! Then i start to overthink it and the viscious cycle begins again!! I just get so depressed and so worried that it's not just hocd! But i dont want to be gay, i dont!! I love my boyfriend and i seriously want to marry him and have kids with him, but i feel so awful having these constant thougts in my head! It's like i'll never be able to be 100%myself, 100% his or 100% happy until these thoughts go away :'(

[stressedashell]

Yes omg i am exactly like you. In all my searching in the website your story matches mine the most. Lucky you have a boyfriend though. I don't have one but wish i did perhaps it would help me cope with this better. About the porn thing don't worry i had the same issue. And it freaked me out and disgusted me. Just remember this.if you were a lesbian. Would you find yourself wanting to look hot for guys and like it if they check you out. I do and that calms me down. Hope this tip helped i know it isn't much but it calms me down some.

[whathappened82]

Ive had it for  7 years if that makes u feel better... I finally got the guts to acknowledge it Im a 23 year old guy

[JGF25]

Go to Amazon and search for The OCD Workbook:  Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD.  You can actually look "inside" the book and then decide if it is something you think would work for you.  Also, I like the book Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani.

Dreams are not real...they are what your subconscious is keying in on and what your subconscious is keying in on is what bothers your conscious when you are awake.  It has no basis in fact.  It is just a dream and not something that should be overanalyzed.  

[littlejo622]

I am freaking out!! I dont know what to do, i just want to cry, i hate this!!! I HATE WHAT IT'S DOING TO ME!! I just had a dream that involved another girl, and it aroused me! Is this normal!? Please, i'm begging somebody help me, help me get rid of this!! I dont want to live like this!! It's like im walking around with no hope, seriously!! Im trying to have a normal heyerosexual relationship, but it's making it impossible!! It just keeps pushing me away from my boyfriend, make it STOP!! :'(

[JGF25]

I'm not qualified to diagnose people.  I think, looking back on your childhood, what you did experimenting is what a lot of kids do.   You already know you have anxiety issues and you tend to worry about everything coupled with the fact that you "DONT WANT TO BE GAY" leads me to believe you are not gay.  I believe it is genetic and that we are either born gay or we are not.  We don't just wake up one day and become gay.  Those people you referred to, your friends who are gay that had boyfriends, ask them if they didn't know they were gay for quite some time.  I think you will be surprised to find out that they did.  

Let me ask you this, if you said outloud right now "I'm gay" do you think that you would want to run out and be with the first girl you see?  I'm thinking not.  I'm thinking you would say "No Way" to that.  

OCD thoughts can only take on a life of their own if we continue to feed into them.  If we take the "whatever" attitude and don't give them any credit, they go away because you are taking the fear out of them.  Testing, such as porn watching, is not a good idea.  If you look at my own post called "Anatomy of a Horrific Thought" you will see the cycle that this thought process takes and how testing will just perpetuate it along with "what-if".  Please take a minute to read that post.  

Also, people with OCD are always looking for reassurance and unfortuantely that reassurance is fleeting.  You believe it for a minute and then your mind starts going again.  What you really need to do is learn some cognitive behavioral strategies to help yourself.  Since you said that you can't see anyone until September then I suggest you pick up The OCD Workbook:  Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD.  

[littlejo622]

Thank you for commenting! But do you think i have HOCD or?? Unfortunately my counsellor has quit, so i'm stuck dealing with this on my own until september, do you have any helpful tips? And also, do you think i should tell my boyfriend??

[JGF25]

You are seeing a therapist and that is the best help you are going to get.  It has only been two weeks so you need to give it time for them to teach you ways to get over these thoughts.  

To quote yourself "I've been struggling with high levels of stress and anxiety for many years, and i always worry about everything"  This tells me that you have a disorder that requires the help of a therapist and possibly medication if you are open to that since you have been struggling with things for over 2 years.