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Suffering from HOCD, or denial?
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Suffering from HOCD, or denial?

I've been having these intrusive and repulsive thoughts about being homosexual, and it just doesn't stop... it's really bothering me. I can't focus in school... I constantly look at other guys' butts to see if I get any arousal or not, then I go to the bathroom to check if I got erect or not. I'm never erect. In the changing room I don't even want to look at their crotches, so I generally don't. But when I do? I don't get an erection or any kind of arousal.

But I feel like my true self is starting to become clouded by all of this doubt and OCD... my entire life I've loved girls! I've NEVER wanted to do anything with guys. Ever. I was slightly curious about how sex worked when I was a kid, but I didn't ever end up engaging with another guy in a sexual act, and I didn't ever really think about doing so. The worst thing I've done like that was going down to a river with two of my friends when I was like 7 or 8, and the three of us pulled our pants down and tried to reach/suck our own penises. I wasn't trying to give my friend a ******* or even thought about it, none of us did. We were just kids and wanted to see if we could reach our OWN penis. Not each others. I used to lay my head down on my cousin's penis to use it as a pillow... but I didn't understand what was going on. Maybe he did, I don't know.

When I was younger I also masturbated in the same room as my friend a couple of times, but him being there didn't do anything special. I was still thinking normally and about girls. And he wasn't looking at me at all, I had it covered by a blanket. Each time. Nothing ever came of that and I wasn't ever interested in engaging in anything. I had a sleep over at his house once when I was 8 and thought, hmm... how would two guys have sex? But I was just a little kid for crying out loud, and didn't try anything. I didn't want to try anything either.

Why I think that this is OCD: It runs in my family, my mom had it really bad when she was my age, and my dad also had it even worse. I've dealt with other issues with OCD and even had extreme obsessions over other things, like constantly worrying about a video game that I was banned from and constantly checking to see if I was unbanned from it. I've read up about HOCD and I have most of the symptoms that other people suffering HOCD do, I compulsively check to make sure that I'm not gay... it's like I want to see my private area all of the time to make sure there isn't any kind of movement at all.

I used to watch pornography and I would use that as kind of a comfort thing, watch lesbians and get turned on by it so I'd think to myself, "Lesbians are turning me on, screw you HOCD thoughts." Then I'd want to go check gay porn 10 minutes later to see if I would get arousal from it... and I didn't. It would make me feel extremely nervous and uncomfortable and grossed out.

I tried to read online about HOCD to see if I had it or not, and it just ended up making me feel even more confused.
Some people say, "You're just suppressing your homosexual urges." Or, "You're probably bi-sexual." That didn't help at all, that ended up making it way worse than it was. I should also add that I used to look at transsexual pornography. The person looked exactly like a woman, breasts, curvy, big butt, face, etc. Except that it had a penis. When I first started watching those videos? I was disgusted, completely disgusted. But I kept going back to them and started masturbating to them, not even wanting to. I didn't feel pleasure from it at all!

But slowly I wired into my brain that that's what I wanted. I've read on the site called your Brainonporn, I think it's called. They say that if you watch porn a lot and for a long period of time, say several years, your brain will start to change and you'll get bored of watching let's say lesbians, and start watching shemale porn. (Again, shemale pornography shows transsexual women with all of the features of a woman, but with a penis.) Then it could transition to gay porn. After reading that I entered a state of panic and I kept thinking, "Oh no. Oh no. Oh no."

I started watching gay porn and I didn't like it... but I noticed similarities between the shemale porn and the gay porn. They mostly do the same kind of thing, and that freaked me out like crazy. I was basically masturbating to a girl doing gay guy things...

Gay porno when I watched it made me feel extremely uncomfortable and disgusted, I didn't want to watch it. I immediately felt extreme anxiety and wanted to shut it off, but I watched the whole video to make sure I didn't get erect. I kept thinking to myself, "Oh no... this doesn't turn me on does it? This doesn't turn me on does it? Does this turn me on?" I watched a few gay porno videos after that but not a whole video, I always ended up clicking out because it made me feel uncomfortable or grossed out.

And about the pornography thing, I discovered lesbians when I was about 6 or 7 and I experienced my first erection. I was obsessed with lesbians and came across gay porno a few times and it made me want to throw up it was so disgusting. I remember finding my step dad's lesbian porno mags and I loved them, they were awesome.

But now? I don't even know anymore. How can someone like me who has loved girls his entire freaking life, (had my first crush in kindergarten.) suddenly just turn gay? HOW? Besides a few minor things here and there as a little kid, I never had any interest in men at all. When I saw naked guys in the changing room as a kid I was grossed out and wanted to get out of there. When I look at guys in the changing room now? I'm not interested, I don't think, "Hey. I'd like to do it with that guy."

It just feels like I'm turning into something that I'm not. I know that I'm not gay, but now I'm really starting to doubt myself. I'm always so depressed, I don't feel like doing anything... I don't enjoy doing my favourite things, I don't have an appetite. And I think I've got erectile dysfunction. (Can't keep my penis erect.) I don't enjoy these thoughts... if I were gay I would feel at least some kind of arousal from them, but now I don't even know if I do or not. I'm obsessing over this night and day and it feels like this has just become some regular thought process, and my mind is telling myself that I just think about guys now and not girls.

So am I denying homosexuality? Do I have HOCD? At this point I don't even know, I feel so confused and helpless. I don't feel like myself anymore.

Tags: ocd help, hocd
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1699033_tn?1405352675
You are right, people don't just wake up one day and poof they are gay, it just doesn't work that way.  Think about it this way, your parents have OCD and therefore you more than likely have it as well just from the shear fact that OCD is a condition that can be inherited genetically.  Now think about being homosexual, heterosexual or bisexual.  You either are or you aren't.  You are born one of the three just from a genetic standpoint.  Sometimes it takes a while to figure it out especially I think in the case of bisexuals.  But in any case, you would know if you were gay.  You would simply know it and accept it.  

You need to stop all the testing because honestly it is just making the situation worse.  You need to say "WHATEVER: when that thought pops into your head because you know you are attracted to girls.  People can become addicted to porn and since you are so young, that may also be a problem.  But right now, you just need to not check, not watch porn, just adopt the whatever attitude while you are setting up your therapy appointments.  I saw on another post that you are going to see somebody so that is an important first step.  You need to be officially diagnosed with OCD and then you need to discuss treatment options.  

In the mean time, try to get the book The OCD Workbook:  Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD.  You may find it very useful.  
4 Comments Post a Comment
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1699033_tn?1405352675
You are right, people don't just wake up one day and poof they are gay, it just doesn't work that way.  Think about it this way, your parents have OCD and therefore you more than likely have it as well just from the shear fact that OCD is a condition that can be inherited genetically.  Now think about being homosexual, heterosexual or bisexual.  You either are or you aren't.  You are born one of the three just from a genetic standpoint.  Sometimes it takes a while to figure it out especially I think in the case of bisexuals.  But in any case, you would know if you were gay.  You would simply know it and accept it.  

You need to stop all the testing because honestly it is just making the situation worse.  You need to say "WHATEVER: when that thought pops into your head because you know you are attracted to girls.  People can become addicted to porn and since you are so young, that may also be a problem.  But right now, you just need to not check, not watch porn, just adopt the whatever attitude while you are setting up your therapy appointments.  I saw on another post that you are going to see somebody so that is an important first step.  You need to be officially diagnosed with OCD and then you need to discuss treatment options.  

In the mean time, try to get the book The OCD Workbook:  Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD.  You may find it very useful.  
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Avatar_m_tn
Thanks, what you said has helped me a bit. I know this is probably some really personal stuff, but OCD is just hard to get over. I'm starting to feel better now, but in a few days I probably won't be feeling as good. My main fear with a therapist or a psychiatrist is that they're just going to misunderstand and think that I'm a latent homosexual or something.

I remember months ago when I would think to myself, "Man! I love being a guy and liking girls. How can a girl even like a guy?" Back then I had the occasional thought, "Hey. I might be gay?" But I was just like, "HA-HA. YEAH RIGHT." But it doesn't feel that simple to me anymore.

I think I know how all of these doubts started... just as a warning, whoever reads this may find it kind of gross and personal, but it's something I need to get out. When I was a littler kid, probably about 7 I started looking at pornography. I didn't want to look at the straight porno because a guy being in it really grossed me out, so I found lesbians. Just seeing them in friggin' bikinis got me erect instantaneously! One little kiss shared between two girls and BOOM! I was excited like crazy.

About a month ago I found a website called your brain on porn. And this website extremely freaked me out... people who have a porn addiction... their brain will start to change. Eventually you'll get bored of the type of porn your watching, and your brain will start to search for something new and exciting so you can get a high off of it. Typically something that you wouldn't normally be into, which makes you feel uncomfortable and anxious.

People will go from straight porn, lesbian porn, to incest porn, shemale porn (women with a penis.) to even gay porn. Gay people with porn addictions end up going to straight porn! Seeing all of this made me feel very uncomfortable. I've been watching porno not constantly but at least once or twice a day REGULARLY SINCE I WAS ABOUT 7. SINCE I WAS 7.

Like so many people before me I eventually started to transition into futanari and shemale pornography. (Futanari is hentai, if you've ever heard of it. Anime porn. Except futanari has a penis and a vagina.) I can honestly say that I don't feel like or think that I like shemale porno that much. When I first watched it it grossed me out, but some part of my porno mind was telling me, "You should just give it a shot." So I did. I reluctantly masturbated to it, I didn't even want to. It gave me no pleasure at all. It's still the same way really.

Except I stopped viewing both of those once I realized why I was looking at them. But the difference between other porn addicts any myself is that most of them started viewing porno when they were in their teens. I'm not entirely sure about myself, when I was younger I looked at it when I could. But eventually I stopped. I think I was around 11 when I started to look at porn and hentai regularly.

http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/age-17-hocd-porn-induced-ed-100-days

From what I read from that link, I think this best describes what I'm going through right now. I think I understand exactly what I need to do to get the HOCD to go away, but it's going to be very hard.

Also... just pinpointed something else that makes me feel slightly relieved.
I was feeling anxious about something completely unrelated to HOCD at all, and I felt groinal like responses. If you've ever read about HOCD before, you've probably heard about those. So the anxiety and uncomfortable grossness that I'm feeling from thinking about the thoughts from HOCD and when I did view gay porn, I'm getting the same feeling from something completely unrelated. I didn't have a single thought about gay things or HOCD, and I got the same feeling from regular nervousness/anxiety.

Hell... right now I'm thinking about girls and it's making me feel erect. (Sorry, I know I'm probably getting too personal here, but it makes me feel a lot better.)
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Avatar_m_tn
people are born gay--end of story.
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1699033_tn?1405352675
A psychologist or psychiatrist is not going to misunderstand and think you are a latent homosexual so don't let that stop you from seeing someone.  Also, if you have been watching porn since you were 7 then I would say that you do have a problem regarding this.  So that is also another issue you will want to bring up.  

I want you to think about it this way.  If you watch the same porn movie over and over again, you are going to get bored.  Then you pop in something else and you watch that and it has the same content essentially so you are bored.  Now add to this the fact that you watch it several times a day and now you are pretty much bored with all the regular stuff and you are now looking to sate this urge with something really different.  It doesn't really matter who is doing what to whom in these movies.  I think it is the content that is the turn on.  You found something that didn't bore you and that doesn't mean that you are now gay because you watched shemales or anything like that.  But I do think you need to curb back your porn watching especially until you see a therapist.  You are going to be fine...you are not gay...just bored.  
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