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The Nightmare Continues (HOCD)
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The Nightmare Continues (HOCD)

Hi-
This isn't really a question as much as a desperate call for support. I've come to the realization that these thoughts will be with me forever. I'm scared when I lose my virginity I'll have intrusive thoughts. I'm scared I'll be questioning which gender I like as I walk down the isle. This questioning and confusion is the purest form of hell, and I live it every day. If I wasn't such a skeptic of the afterlife and worried so much about my friends and family I might seriously consider killing myself. I have done some pretty gay things with my friends (skinny dipping, streaking in the backyard, even taking group showers), but I've never been turned on once. Those things we do are just our fun hangout sessions, and we actually talk about boys when it's happening. The only time I've ever might have been turned on is when I literally ask myself "Am I turned on right now?" And force my eyes to land on a butt or a pair of boobs, and felt something down there, along with a healthy dose of worry and stress along with it. Never been "hot and bothered" around girls, never had the butterflies for them either. HOCD has also started to cloud my memories. I've analyzed them so many times they simply don't affect me anymore and they've been smeared into a thick fog, erasing vital details for my HOCD to feed off of (which I guess is a good thing). I remember the first time I fell in love (or just got a crush- I have no idea since I'm only 13). A skit was performed at camp one year where essentially one of the boys taking part in it ended up with no clothes on except for a towel around his waist. As soon as he came out with his shirtless body, I thrust my face into my gloved hands on instinct (I was only 11). But I immediately felt my face heat up and my heart pound in my chest. I was in a drunken haze the rest of the night, and I remember just wanting to get back to my cot as soon as possible so I could be alone with my thoughts and picture the boy forever. I still have a crush on him, but HOCD gets in the way, and I question if I even still like him. I hate this. It's slowly ruining my life. I feel as thought these waves of confusion and worry will be with me the rest of my life, and I'll never be truly happy again. I can only hope to subdue the thoughts so I can feel happy enough
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