This is for JGF25. I think I posted questions for you in the wrong places. Not use to blogging (if that is what this is even called). Please refer to your own post "Suffering from HOCD...please read" And Wayne 26's post "Not sure of my sexual side (HOCD or denial?) please help" Look for hopetoheal1981.
Sorry...I get a bit confused when people post their story in somebody else's post....anyway I did read it.
This is my take on being gay in general. I believe that it is genetic. I believe that we are either born gay or we are not. Most people that are gay know very early on in life that they are gay. We don't just wake up one day and become gay. So do I think you are gay from what you wrote, no I don't. However, I'm wondering since you did suffer a traumatic sexual event when you were young, whether you have possible PTSD going on. Can I ask, did you ever receive any psychological help for what was basically rape when you were a child? Even into adulthood, did you seek help with this?
For some reason computers do not like me (this is a different computer) I keep trying to respond and it keeps freezing. Many diagnosis depends on which therapist i was seeing and what memories i recalled at what times. The 3 diagnosis that seem to apply most are bi-polar (mostly manic side)PTSD and OCD has been suggested by my current therapist and it is making ALOT of sense. The issue of my sexuality is like the glitch in a computer program and has been a great source of pain through out my entire life. I am to the point I believe what was pushed on in that assault and through the next 10 years and then insinuated by so many others that they must all have been right and i just want to give up and stop fighting and let them win. But then I dont get to be the person I want to be. I 'm trying to irraticate anything that proves I'm straight because I believe any thing that doesnt prove the opposite is just a lie. when it really the other way around and I'm a straight guy in a different kind of closet.
I'm not a professional but this is what I did when I had HOCD and a lot of other irrational thinking going on....I went into a dark room and I closed my eyes and I actually tried to picture myself in the different scenarios that were scaring the S**t out of me. For HOCD, and all the others for that matter, I realized that I wasn't that person...that those things were not who I was and were not who I wanted to be. In short, for me picturing myself with another woman wasn't who I was. So off I went to another irrational thought. The key, and I'm sure the therapist will tell you this, is that you have to not give these thoughts any credit. The more we fear them, the longer they are going to stay around. You can what-if and test yourself to you are blue in the face, and the facts of who you truly are will never change. The only thing you will succeed with is staying in this cycle of irrational thinking. If you were to say out loud, "I"m gay" do you think you would then want to run off and be with a man? I'm thinking not. It is just our minds playing tricks on us.
Have you tried medication? Are you on meds for the bipolar or OCD?
I'm back and you're right I am definitely lost in the irrational thinking. I am on Depakote as a mood stabilizer for the bi-polar. Also prozac how ever it is not helping with the OCD. I talked to my therapist and he said he was going to talk with Linda and put me on an OCD specific medication. We both REALLY think that is what I need.
In an earlier post you mentioned that most who are gay know at an early age. I felt a love for a boy at 3 when he let me play with a toy car. To show him that love I wanted to walk down the street holding hands. he thought it was kinda weird but agreed to walking down the street with an arm over each others shoulder we made it 2 steps his mom was on the porch yelling for him to come in side. next time i saw him he told me his mom said i was a fag. I was effeminant at that age and used the word love to describe how i felt about him. that made my paternal grandparents think I was gay. I remember being in a boat with grandpa he shook the boat and i freaked and he compared me to my gay uncle. Grandma told me once while taking my rectal temperature that I would want my friends pee-pee in their when i got older. There is more but moving on to my other grandparents who were child molesters. That grandma injured me and told me it was because I didnt like girls. Then during the molestation she forced me to watch football players butts til I thought they were cute. While grandpa sat across the room calling me a fag, queer and a homo. When I said the butts were cute she asked if I was gay and I had to ask what that meant. she said "it means you want to hug and hold hands with little boys and when you get older you will want to have sex with them" Then I told her I was she asked if I was sure I said yes. I have left many details out but I told you this to ask if this is the same as knowing young?
i see why it has confused the S**T out of me. I didnt even get a chance to find out the difference between boys and girls before it was pushed on me. I thought girls only wanted to cut you. I thought they were boys with there penises cut off. i never stood a chance to develop normally
The crime perpetrated on you was awful and I hope that the person who did it has paid for it. I think you still have those issues to work out and of course the OCD which I'm glad they are going to put you on meds for.
I want to thank you for responding so quickly to my posts. I just hate battling with myself, no one should have to live the torment I have that has become my natural state of mind. I have been battling in some way with this issue every since. That's 27 years. I blame myself because I see my self as they did.
I'm at the point of giving up I feel like I have to be gay (by the way that word ITSELF is a big trigger and something I hear on a daily basis from people and they have no idea what it does to me) because the issue won't go away but it doesn't feel like something that would have been an issue had I lived a different childhood.
Then on the flip side think I would have been and they made it impossible to accept. That belief switches depending on the memories I am recalling. Also giving up in the sense of why even stop obseesing on it, it's never going away.
When I recalled what happened (at 25...6 years ago). I was at work one night and the idea I should write a book about my life just clicked in my head. I have been working on it in my spare time every since (not recently because I'm not in the right place to write it). I can't finish it until I heal and stop living in the past. Much of it is good but it needs alot of editing and a new perspective.
Hope I don't "jinx" it now but I went through 3 titles until it came to me through someone else's conversation. My title will be without question "Identity Theft".
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