Totally confused

Hi, I am Luca, 28, Italian, I am confused. Here is my story (sorry for my bad English and sorry if it is so long).

Everything started with a love story, the most beautiful and important love of my life. At the time I was in love with this girl, we spent 2 years together. Everything was perfect, fantastic, I truly loved her. Then everything started to fall. During a period of distance cause of a trip abroad she got friend with a friend of mine. They were like brother and sister. I felt extremely jealous of this, I felt like she preferred him and I stated to think they were lovers. Could not accept it. I hated that guy with all myself, I desired with all my heart him to disappear. I even think to kill him. I became a horrible man, extremely anxious, paranoid, and depressed. Obviously, soon our story started to crumble and together with it  my identity fell. I was very miserable and lose control of myself. Friends started to say that I was gay although I never had any attraction with men before, nothing at all. I always loved women and had many girls and other important stories. But, at a certain point, I started to think that it was true, I might be gay. Actually, the first time I got that idea seriously, I thought that I was in love with that friend of mine, the one that I wanted to kill.

Since that day, which was 5 years ago my life has been a nightmare. I had panic attacks, a deep depression and a ****** my life. Still I try to fight, alone, never asked any help. And this was a huge mistake. One year later I met another girl, which I have been with for almost 3 years. I think I loved her, but I am not sure as I am no more sure of everything about me. I can’t understand me at all.
She truly loved me, but I couldn’t d the same, I tried with all my heart but no way because for all these years I always had this part of me saying that I am gay. I tried to cancel it, to ignore it. But it is always in my mind. Always. I can’t think of anything else. I am going crazy.

The point is that later I started to look at men in a different way. Now I like men, I feel something when I meet a good lucking guy. And when I realise this I go extremely anxious and start thinking “you see, u r definitely gay”. I started to like girls less as well, and now very rarely views of a nice girl arouse me. Despite of all this, I still like to have sex with girls, and with my ex-girlfriend I was always horny and had a great sex life with her.

My “demon” is (I feel so shame saying this) my anus. From the first time I had serious thoughts of being gay, I started to feel kind of a pain down there. It’s like that place is torturing me. It is always reminding me that it exists. It’s like it always say to me “you are gay. U r gay...”. Always.

After years of this life I am pretty sure now that I am gay. I am trying to accept this but is very hard. What concern me as well is that despite of my effort I can’t see myself having sex with a man. I never had any erection seeing beautiful men or watching gay-porn movies. Nothing. All that I feel is down there. Now instead of feeling pain, I fell more something like it wants something inside there. I know, sounds crazy but it is true. On the other hand, I can still have good sex with girls, everything works fine and I always get to an orgasm.
So, in the hand, can anyone give me advice?? Am I crazy or what?? I am very tired of all this. I want to understand myself, accept myself and find peace with myself because right now I only hate myself. I am always wondering of killing me, I am too tired of all of this. It’s a torture. It’s too mch.  

I am seeing a therapist since a few months. He is helping me to deal with all this, letting me understand myself. Though, sometimes I feel like he clearly wants my to accept that I am gay, which might be fine, but I am not 100% sure yet.

[luca1981]

Forgot to say, I am a man. Luca is a male name.
Thanks

[nylife]

well i will tell you this your not gay. may be bi-sexual because a gay person have no intrest in opposite sex if you can have sex with a female and then think about guys but not strongly or emotionaly attracted to them then your not gay or your suffering from homosexual obbsesive compulsive desorder HOCD there is medication for it and you can visit this website ***.************.*** i think it will really help you.

[polop86]

Hi Luca, from the sounds of it you are not gay, but it does no good me telling you this, just remember that in the end you will find yourself, what you are comfortable with and it will all be ok. I wouldn't advise you to experiment with another man because this is what you are telling yourself: "I will enjoy it if i try it," but this is obviously not neccessarily true, your mind will come to all sorts of conclusions which make you sure of your homosexual orientation, but this can be part of the obsession. Alot of the fear you are feeling seems to stem from people telling you that you are gay, and this seems to be a cause for paranoia as part of HOCD is worrying that other people thinking you are gay, also worrying that you are performing certain acts in a "gay way." Spending time with gay people can help as it can help you overcome internalised homophobia if you have that and can make you realise that gay people are normal, and that you don't have as much in common with them as you had thought.
The problem can also be your inner monologue, telling yourself you are gay is a way for you to tell yourself that you are not good enough for the special girl you wanted, and you need to realise that your self esteem is linked heavily to your inner monologue. You need to be kind to yourself, don't fight anything, just accept this is the way things are and try to build yourself up. Do little things to help your self esteem. Start eating healthier, join a gym maybe, learn a new language, do some travelling. Move forward in small increments, and don't ignore your thoughts, acknowledge their existense but don't let them cripple you with anxiety.
Whatever you do, do not kill yourself, you sound like a nice guy Luca, but just remember that you deserve any girl who you want to be with, try and think positive!