Hi, I am Luca, 28, Italian, I am confused. Here is my story (sorry for my bad English and sorry if it is so long).
Everything started with a love story, the most beautiful and important love of my life. At the time I was in love with this girl, we spent 2 years together. Everything was perfect, fantastic, I truly loved her. Then everything started to fall. During a period of distance cause of a trip abroad she got friend with a friend of mine. They were like brother and sister. I felt extremely jealous of this, I felt like she preferred him and I stated to think they were lovers. Could not accept it. I hated that guy with all myself, I desired with all my heart him to disappear. I even think to kill him. I became a horrible man, extremely anxious, paranoid, and depressed. Obviously, soon our story started to crumble and together with it my identity fell. I was very miserable and lose control of myself. Friends started to say that I was gay although I never had any attraction with men before, nothing at all. I always loved women and had many girls and other important stories. But, at a certain point, I started to think that it was true, I might be gay. Actually, the first time I got that idea seriously, I thought that I was in love with that friend of mine, the one that I wanted to kill.
Since that day, which was 5 years ago my life has been a nightmare. I had panic attacks, a deep depression and a ****** my life. Still I try to fight, alone, never asked any help. And this was a huge mistake. One year later I met another girl, which I have been with for almost 3 years. I think I loved her, but I am not sure as I am no more sure of everything about me. I can’t understand me at all.
She truly loved me, but I couldn’t d the same, I tried with all my heart but no way because for all these years I always had this part of me saying that I am gay. I tried to cancel it, to ignore it. But it is always in my mind. Always. I can’t think of anything else. I am going crazy.
The point is that later I started to look at men in a different way. Now I like men, I feel something when I meet a good lucking guy. And when I realise this I go extremely anxious and start thinking “you see, u r definitely gay”. I started to like girls less as well, and now very rarely views of a nice girl arouse me. Despite of all this, I still like to have sex with girls, and with my ex-girlfriend I was always horny and had a great sex life with her.
My “demon” is (I feel so shame saying this) my anus. From the first time I had serious thoughts of being gay, I started to feel kind of a pain down there. It’s like that place is torturing me. It is always reminding me that it exists. It’s like it always say to me “you are gay. U r gay...”. Always.
After years of this life I am pretty sure now that I am gay. I am trying to accept this but is very hard. What concern me as well is that despite of my effort I can’t see myself having sex with a man. I never had any erection seeing beautiful men or watching gay-porn movies. Nothing. All that I feel is down there. Now instead of feeling pain, I fell more something like it wants something inside there. I know, sounds crazy but it is true. On the other hand, I can still have good sex with girls, everything works fine and I always get to an orgasm.
So, in the hand, can anyone give me advice?? Am I crazy or what?? I am very tired of all this. I want to understand myself, accept myself and find peace with myself because right now I only hate myself. I am always wondering of killing me, I am too tired of all of this. It’s a torture. It’s too mch.
I am seeing a therapist since a few months. He is helping me to deal with all this, letting me understand myself. Though, sometimes I feel like he clearly wants my to accept that I am gay, which might be fine, but I am not 100% sure yet.