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Unbearable guilt over my intrusive thoughts. need reassurance please
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Unbearable guilt over my intrusive thoughts. need reassurance please

The focus of my intrusive thoughts has changed recently from children etc. which in itself repulsed me and horrible, to people i know.
my family and boyfriends family.
i have posted on yahoo answers before, the people there can be really unsupportive and make me feel like even more of a monster. im hoping that people here can help.

basically my thoughts are of things that repulse me and that i do not wish to see or think and that i would NEVER act out. i know that for sure. my problem with my intrusive thoughts is that, unlike most people, who are able to dismiss their thoughts as just that and move on, is that the make me feel so guilty i cannot let go. and then it gets worse.

they used to be purely sexual thoughts with say one violent. now they are sexual, sexually violent and also pure violent. it is very ditressing for me.
for example i keep imagining myself killing my family and his. then i keep imagining my grandfather in sexual situations (its disgusting) and what made me feel even worse was that i started having thoughts about my boyfriends grandfather. pardon, but wtf. its not normal? fair enough, horrible thoughts do come to people but the frequency and sickness of mine is what makes me feel like there is no one the same out there. and also, i dont want to have sexual or violent thoughts about anyones grandfather, family or anyone for that matter! its my worst nighhtmare i promise it is so why am i thinking it? it makes me feel like such a bad person, such an evil, sick, twisted person.

i keep thinking what happenes when my grandfather or his grandfather dies and i know i had these horrible intrusive thoughts about them? how bad will i feel? VERY! and i dont even know why its just something that came into my head.

when the thoughts die off slightly, or change their focus, im always left with the guilt to burden afterwards. its horrible. i can never tell my boyfriend the sick thoughts i got about his family or children. he knows i got them about my own family. these are my worst nightmares. they are dirty and horrible and i want them to go away!! i dont want this!!
i can sort of feel them coming on. its hard to explain, and i really am pouring my heart out here, its as if a trigger occurs like the other night. what if i thought these thoughts about his family. then i went out loud oh no dont you dare get those thoughts. then they started coming and it just affects me so badly because i feel so guilty.

they are all lovely people and i never want any harm to come to anyone involved in my intrusive thoughts. please help somebody. if you have thoughts which you desperately dont want and find repulsive and distressing and horrible does that mean you shouldnt feel guilty? i need serious help dealing with the guilt

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1757168_tn?1312815349
Rebecca, my boyfriend has thoughts like that, it took him a while to start talking to me and his dr about it.  It is part of his disorder.  With meds they have calmed down but his real brake through can when he found someone to talk to about them.  Not acting on them is a good thing, but beating yourself up is not.  If you want to talk I am willing to listen.  It may help.
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1699033_tn?1405352675
Hi Rebecca.  Have you been to a physician to get a diagnosis regarding these thoughts?  I am not a physician so I cannot diagnose you on this forum but what you do seem to have are OCD thoughts.  I have had these same thoughts myself.  I thought I would harm the ones I loved not by choice but because it would just kind of accidentally happen.  These thoughts are very, very dibilitating because you know in your heart this is not the person you are yet these thoughts just keep coming.  Unfortuanely, the more you "fight" them so to speak, the worse they get becasue you are giving in to them as being "real" when in fact they are just fictions or irrational thoughts.  The key is to not give in to them.

To really get a handle on this, because it seems to me that these thoughts are taking up pretty much every waking moment of your life, you need to make an appointment to see a therapist.  There is nothing you can say to them, including the sexual thoughts, that they have not heard before.  So there is no stigma attached here...they are there to listen, diagnose, and be supportive in any way they can.  

Also know that the one good thing I learned fro my own therapy is the knowledge that people with OCD do not act on their thoughts.  They are just that, merely thoughts.  

Until you can see a doctor, there are a couple of things you can try.  I do not know if they will work for you but they did help me a bit.  Remember, these are just TEMPORARY until you can see a doctor and get the help you need.  Also, you are not crazy, abnormal, or anything like that.  Our brain chemistry is just different than other people's and so we need to find ways to fix it.  And trust me, there are many avenues that you can pursue that will get you back to where you were before these thoughts intruded on your life.  

The first way is a breathing exercise.  You put your hands on your stomach, you take a deep breath in through your nose...feel your stomach rise as you do this.  Count to five in your heat, then let the all the breath out through your mouth as you feel your hands fall back down as your stomach does down.  Repeat this for as often as you need in order to calm yourself down, i.e., slow your heart rate back to normal so that you are no longer in that "fight or flight" mode.  When you are more calm, you can think more calmly.  

I did a type of exposure therapy.  I went into a dark room and closed my eyes and actually pictured myself harming my  husband, my mother, anyone that I was afraid I would unintentially harm.  What I got from this is that I realized the person doing those things would NEVER be me.  I couldn't and wouldn't do those things.  Once you stop giving in to them, they stop being so intrusive.  

Lastly, there is self-coaching.  YOU are your best motivator.  You need to say ENOUGH, STOP.  Replace every negative thought with a positive one.  "I have had these thoughts for a while and clearly I do not act on them therefore I will never act on them.  This is just my OCD talking and I am not giving into it."  Then distract yourself with something like reading a book, meditation, etc.  

I hope these techniques help you in the short term but you really need to see a professional so that they can teach you CBT (congnitive behavioral therapies) of which the above is a part or perhaps pursue the medication route.  I myself am on medication for OCD and these thoughts no longer rule my life.  

Keep us posted as to how you are doing.  Everyone on this forum is here to help you in the best way we can but there is nothing better than a professional therapist to get you on the right path.  

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