What is going on in my head. Help ??????

[ProdigyOfRap]

Ok, First of I have always had sometime of OCD when I was a kid. It would usually just be minor and go along the lines of me doing something repeatedly. But as of recent I have been having these Intrusive thoughts. It first began when I started to have intrusive thoughts towards younger females which I found extremely disturbing because I wasn't ever attracted to them and would get to the point that just being around them would drive me insane because the thoughts would not quit killing me. I was still attracted to women and I could still get an erection but it wasn't the type of erection I was used to having before that even happened. Then that subsided for a bit.. Until I saw full metal alchemist and I started having thoughts about harming my mother which I very much love. That I would avoid her and avoid being next to harmful things. But one day I smoked so marijuana that I got from a friend mostly because I wanted to impress a girl I want to be with (I was dumb). But as soon as I smoked the first puff my mind began to tell me I was a homosexual. Everyday my mind would constantly tell me I was a homosexual even though I knew I was not. I have never been attracted to men nor have I ever want to have sex with them ever in my life. I always just wanted to be with women diffrent types of women. As I kid I was so infatuated with them that I would at least masturbate % to 10 times a day just like at the ad for the genie bra. But it been almost a year since I had these homosexual thoughts. In through out this past week. My mind has been telling I have always been a homo which I have not ever and now My penis does get semi aroused I say semi because I stop myself and I am constantly thinking about homo **** and my mind keeps saying accept it. I have never masturbated to gay porn or even want to watch it in my life. I also have never been with men. I have always loved being with women. My first sexual encounter with a women was amazing. I got to eat her out she sucked me off. I love eating a female out it just feels right. But as of the past year or almost a year my mind has not let me live I was able to cope with this because I knew deep down that I was going to get over this. The last couple of months I have been catching myself checking out dudes not because I like them but because I want to test myself but as of now everytime I am with a dude hanging out I can't stop getting some what wood. (my **** doesn't get hard it just has some sort of tingling homo sensation) and I immideatally start thinking gay ****. I was fine up until a few days ago when my mind pretty much said **** you your gay now. I haven't been able to get aroused when I see a female I even try to avoid them for some god damn reason and I catch myself checking out dudes to prove myself that I am not gay but as I do I realize that I get semi wood and my mind thinks they are attractive. When I have never in my life been attracted to another mail. This week has been so hard on me that I have lost ten pounds haven't been able to eat or get these thoughts out of my head. I have never been attracted to another malke until now or atleast I think I am since I have never jacked it to a male or tried to watch homo porn but my mind now is telling me to do it and its trying to convince me that I have always been like this which I haven't. Its even harder for me to fully accept this because I have not been able to get a full erection towards women since my first set of intrusive thoughts came in.

Side note every once In a while during this week I was able to forget about it like yesterday when I went to the gym the site of a man was not arousing me at all and I was getting my confidence up again towards women. But I went home and my mother and sister found some writing that I wrote in my journal about how these thoughts have been consuming me and they immediately thought I was a homo. Now mind is telling me to accept it which I can't.
And also today for a quick minute the site of a penis was not giving me any thought when I was watching regular porn but out of nowhere mind tells me that no you are gay and I lose all train of thought and focus on that.

I just want to know what the hell is going on with me and why me ? I never wanted to be a homo nor have I ever masturbated to gay porn or been aroused to a men in my 19 years of life. Now every time I see a show on tv with a male I have to avoid it because I get that penis tingle and my mind starts thinking I'm attracted to them which I have never been. I just want to be the normal confident me that hated homosexuals and loved banging women.


Side note, I wasn't able to get it up to a woman in the past year and a half I thought I had a limp **** but My **** would easily get up to the sight of a younger female. But now, I can't get it up towards anything even if I try my hardest I feel as if I want to by something in my mind does not want me to. I have gotten have chubs towards males only in the past week but I never want to have sex with them Its just mind that forces me to look at them at find something remotely arousing to get a chub from. When I mean half chub I mean that my penis isn't erect or fully erect its just feels like it is going to get erect.

Am I a homo now? I can not deal with life any longer. I have not been able to go to school because ever sight of a male my mind forces me to look at them get a penis tingle from them.

I just don't want live like this.

Please if anyone could kindly help me I know this is a bit long but typing this has let my thoughts subside a bit.

I'm 19 and in my third and final year of community college and I just want to be able to get on with mylife without being sexually attracted to men...Since I never was to begin with

[JGF25]

I responded to your other post...please read it.  

[ProdigyOfRap]

I don't know what the **** is going on with my head it is as if my mind has accepted being a homosexual when It never had before this past week. All males give my penis some kind of sensation. When I never had its as if I find males attractive and I can't find females attractive anymore!!! I just want to die now I was never a homo but now I am attracted to the male sex or at least my mind has tricked me too it.


And yes I had a dream two days ago a very vivid one which I was pretty much telling my mind that I am not or have I ever been a homo but my dream responded by pretty much say. "If your not a homo than what are you attracted to?"

AS, I state I have never in my life watched gay porn or want to be with a man.
My main problem is that I've lost my attraction towards women and that has given my brain the idea that now I'm a homo and as of recent I had gotten attractions from males for some reason!!!!! Help

[123tushar07]

yes medication and cbt will change ur brain chemistry so that these intrusive thoughts will stop striking ur mind. basically ur having severe anxiety due to these obsessive thoughts that "i am a gay", if ur not liking males earlier, it cant happen that in a overnight u become a gay.

i can explain u cbt in a brief, first part is cognitive  , it is related that how do u give appraisals to these thoughts  like " ya i must be a gay" , try to think like i can be a gay, like ur saying "i am not getting aroused by woman" think like that may be it is due to anxiety ur not enjoying sex.

in behaviour 1 part the first thing is u should stop doing compulsive behaviour like
1)dont again and again check for erection when u see a male/or gay porn
2)dont do self criticism, these r not ur thoughts, they r coming due to ocd
3)dont seek reassurance from others that ur not gay, and dont give self reassurance that i am not a gay
4)when these thoughts strike dont try to supress/replace them, dont try to control ur mind, just let them pass

the second part of ur behaviour therapy is exposures

1)try to spend more time with males, but dont check for erections, just let the anxiety to rise , it will fall on its own
2) read articles about gay males
3)make a audio recording that " i am a gay" and listen to it
4)watch gay males pictures, but dont check for erection
5)watch gay porn movies without any compulsive behaviour

these thing will help u but i would suggest u to meet a pychiatrist as cbt+medication is the best solution for ocd

[ProdigyOfRap]

What is cbt if I can ask? And how can it help me? Real I'm scared of having to be gay when never was It has been at least a week where I have felt sexual attraction towards a male. And I kind of hate my self becuse I haven't been able to get wood from a female.. I feel as if I am reall a fag now since no women can arose me anymore. No matter how hard I try. And with just a simple my glance I can well, not a full one but a somewhat erection.


Is there really a way my mind with help with medication turn  me back to normal?
I do not want to be attracted to man but my mind says yes.. Looking at some pictures of males do get me somewhat aroused and I do not understand why. and for this past week almost nothing has gotten me aroused to the other sex.

[123tushar07]

ur writing  "i need help" but cant u go to a pychiatirst or pychologist. we cant prescribe medication here , u have to go to a pychiatrist, we cant teach u cbt here , the best way is learn from ocd specialist.

and for ur concerns that "i am feeling attracted" to males , all are these obsessive thoughts which create  anxiety in ur mind and u start doubting on urself whether i like to be a homo, am i a gay, but the point is that u already know that u r not gay,as long as u keep on fighting with this thought and give reasoning that i have always been attracted to girls etc. this reasoning wont help, because these repetitive thoughts  are coming due to chemical imbalance in ur brain, it can only be corrected by cbt and medication, so just go to a pychiatrist and learn cbt from a therapist or books.

i hope u listen to me and belive me for all type of ocd thoughts there is only one reason chemical imbalace and there is the same solution to every problem also cbt+ medication . u will get normal and u can live ur life as u want.

[ProdigyOfRap]

But as of late I have been getting an attraction or at least y head hasmade me think this. I need help! I have never been like this before in my life I just want to be the normal me that I used to be.

[123tushar07]

please take help, ocd doesnot go away on its own, ur not finding interest in sex, ur having suicidal ideations, these are the signs of depression.

generally when ocd is not treated it keeps on waxing and waning, when ocd symptoms subside we think that we are free now, but its not like that it returns with other symptoms, unless u seek treatment u will not get better, rather then posting here again and again rather meet a pychiatrist and pychologist.

i have faced harm ocd, sexual ocd, contaminaton ocd, urine ocd, sensorimeter ocd. all of them have same treatment medication +therapy


dont losse help ocd is chronic, because it is due to chemical imbalance, but once u learn cbt and take medication u can manage it and live a normal life

[ProdigyOfRap]

If these thoughts are here to stay I will probably take myself out.But in a badass way.Shot Gun to the ****.

[ProdigyOfRap]

First of I will like explain my situation a bit further. I have always been a hetersexual and I have never once thought of having homo sex or being with another dude or even being attracted to another dude. It is just that my OCD has severely messed with my head. When pedophile ocd came in I was still attracted to women but I was not able to get an erection like I used to. Then that was replaced for a short while by Thoughts of me harming my mother which bugged me to hell and I would avoid talking to her and avoid being next to knives with fear that I was going to act but those quickly went away and I was back with the pedo ocd. But on day after smoking some weed these thought of now begin a homo came up. I was able to supress because I knew they were just like the pedo thoughts and some how my mind compromised and traded those thoughts with these. Since, then only a handful of times has any other ocd become rampant in me.. A few months ago I was not able to go to sleep because my mind kept telling me to go pee but I didn't have to it mayde be be at least 30 times but these thoughts also quickly subside. I have never had an attraction towards a male but now my mind is telling me to find them attractive which I never have and I do get erections but I do not know why. Only for the past may 4 to 5 days have my thoughts really taken effect into making me thinking that I am a homosexual but the have subsided from time to time. I think my main problem is that these thoughts also made me become less attracted to the female sex. Even though I have always only like the female sex. I for the past couple of weeks have not been able to go to sleep because my mind keeps saying your gay yout gay your gay. WhhennI never was. I always hated homos and loved women but now I can not live like this if god or my mind is trying to make me gay. I have never wacked it to gay porn or every watched gay porn but for somereason my mind has tricked me into getting aroused by it. AND I Do NOT LIKE it.


I think I first have to get why I lost my attraction to women. In , the last week I still was attracted to women. It seems like my mind is telling me you weren't quit hiding it.

Even as I type It is making me feel as if I am lieing but I am not.

[123tushar07]

u r dealing with severe ocd, which is taking various forms like hocd which is affecting u most, u also have ocd of being a pedophile , the one thing i want to mention that these types  of ocd are common with pure o ocd sufferes, first dont hit urself, make ur self prepared for a long battle, start going to school, dont avoid anything like boys in tv, school etc.

now i want to know whether u have ever contacted a pychologist or pychiatrist, if u know u have ocd and ur not taking help of a pychiatrist , then i would like to tell u r only making ur life more tough, mental illness are like other diseases, they dont go away on their own, u have to take help.

dont try to become ur own doctor by taking  inositol or any other medication. dont take drugs or alcohol to reduce ur symptoms they will only make the situation worse, go to pychiatrist he will prescribe u medication, this is the first step, now u have to consult a pychologist in ur area who is a specialist in ocd.

medication helps but they r not the complete solution therapy+ medication are the best solution.The things which i can suggest u is
1) stop avoidance behaviour, dont avoid anything
2)stop ur checking behaviour ,dont again and again check ur penis whether u have erection on seeing a male
3) dont try to control ur thoughts , dont do thought supression/replacing
4)dont criticise urself for these thoughts, these are due to ocd
5)watch gay porn sites and allow the anxiety to go up and not checking ur erection
6) try to spend more time with guys
7)  make a audio recording  that i am a gay and listen to it

these things are for self help but they cant substitute for a one to one session with therapist

u can take help from some books like
1)overcoming obsessive thoughts
2)brainlock
3)self coaching

hope it will help u

[ProdigyOfRap]

Also sorry for the grammar errors. Typing quickly relaxes my head from these thoughts so I did not get to grammar check it before submitting it.

[ProdigyOfRap]

To add for the past week that my thoughts have become worse. I have taken a whole bunch of Inositol thinking it would help it didn't it just made things worse. I also have been hitting my self aggressively in the head every time I get these homosexual feelings.