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What is going on with me??? Subject: Cheating and OCD
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What is going on with me??? Subject: Cheating and OCD

My normal fears are about contamination, but lately I've been having new fears. Fears of having cheated on my husband. I take scenes from a year or two ago from when I had either been drinking or asked a neighbor for help to look at my car and wonder if I may have had sex with them. Usually these are all times when my husband has not been around so it just intensifies the fear and I don't have anyone to reassure me that nothing happened. Then when I tell myself: you don't remember anything happening, so why do you think something happened? And thats when I'll start to think: Well what if they gave you a xanax (bar) and thats why you don't remember. I'm literally driving myself crazy. All I can do is mope and cry thinking about all this. I've already "confessed" to my husband what I've been thinking and he thinks it's just my OCD but that just makes me feel worse because I think: what if something did happen, and here he is thinking I'm innocent. I don't know what to do anymore, I need help from someone who may have dealt with this before or who has any experiences with this. Is this OCD? Or is the reason I'm thinking these things is because they are actually true?????
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Avatar_n_tn
Are you diagnosed with OCD? Because this definitely sounds like an OCD symptom to me. First of all, when you feel the anxiety coming on, try to relax and breathe. You know that you didn't cheat on your husband but your brain is stuck in a loop. It's the same thing that happens to people who can't leave the house without checking to make sure that they've turned off the coffee pot 12 times.
The condition is thought to be due to abnormalities in three parts of the brain: the orbital frontal cortex, the thalamus, and the caudate nucleus. The caudate nucleus regulates signals between the thalamus and the OFC. The OFC sends 'worry signals" to the thalamus and normally the caudate nucleus acts like a brake between them. In OCD, something is abnormal about the caudate nucleus and the thalamus becomes overexcited. It sends even stronger distress signals back to the OFC, which responds by increasing obsessive behaviors and a feeling of anxiety.
In other words, it's not you, it's your brain.
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Avatar_f_tn
I understand that, but these worries stem from actual events. So they have actual events tied in there, and times when I've been drunk without my husband there and this leads me to believe that something could have happened and I just don't remember because I was messed up. I don't remember any cheating going on, but I keep thinking what if, and I just can't seem to shake off these thoughts.
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Avatar_n_tn
I have been through the exact same thing and actually right now I am having horrible thoughts that I cheated on my husband and am now carrying another mans child.  I am 4 months pregnant and I fear that it is not my husbands even though I can not remember every cheating on him!  I've made an appointment with a therapist for help to get through this.  I'm already on medication, but I seem to need more help.  I just want you to know you are not alone....I am going through the exact same thing.  Mine was always worse after drinking too!  I drank on my bday in September and now fear that may have been the night I conceived some strangers baby but I actually didn't conceive until October so that doesn't even make sense!  But my mind keeps telling me that maybe my dates are wrong and the ultrasound is wrong....it's killing me and I just want to enjoy my pregnancy with my husband who I love so much!
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Avatar_f_tn
Hello, I hope someone can help me here.
I have OCD. And I have flirted alot with other guys, just because that is my personality. My OCD has really kicked in saying what if you really liked them. I feel the need to confess to my husband everytime I flirted or was attracted to anybody other an him. I also have had thoughts of did I cheat on him by flirting, or "what if" I "crossed the line" ... Ill have an intrusive though about the fear and it will give me super anxiety. I know deep inside that I have never cheated on my husband, but I feel bad for flirting and feel uncomforable around other man now.
I know this sounds crazy but I feel the need to confess to him everything that could possibly been anything remotly close to "cheating" like a flirt, or a fantasy of someone else or ANYTHNG... I just started Zanex and I hope it starts working soon, but I am scared that if these thoughts go away that what if there is something that goes away that I need to confess or that I did... Ahhhh help me if you can please.
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1699033_tn?1345482688
Hi there and welcome to the OCD forum.  

The reason why you feel like you have to confess is because if you do you think these thoughts will go away.  Whenever we have irrational thoughts we are always looking for closure in hopes that it goes away.  Sometimes it does and something else replaces it or sometimes it goes away just to come back and haunt us some other time.  

What you have done, from what I can tell from your post, is nothing.  People flirt all the time and if you think your husband hasn't done it...you are wrong.  It is very harmless.   You are a "what-if" person as you know and more than likely a forward thinker.  I'm sure everything ends up being perceived as a catastrophy.  It isn't.  You know in your heart you didn't do anything wrong.  What you need to do is work on yourself right now.  Rein in those irrational thoughts.  Use your controlled breathing when you have flare ups.  The Xanax will help in the short term but it is no permanent solution.  There are other medications such as anti-depressants that work more effectively in the long-term.  You would need to discuss this with your psychiatrist.  

If you don't already have The OCD Workbook:  Your Guide to Breaking Free of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, you may want to think about getting it.

Good luck and just take deep breaths...you are going to be fine.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Hey, i know how you feel & because i've cheated in nearly all my boyfriends now i keep thinking what if i mess up again or cheat its a horrible feeling as i have a new boyfriend now & he means the world too me but.. i cant help thinking what if i've already cheated & dont know about it then i think yhh but surely i would know =/ it drives me insane on a day to day basis & i really dont know what to do about it or who to go to.
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1699033_tn?1345482688
You more than likely need to figure out why you cheat on the boyfriends you have. Is it insecurity, is it that they are not good enough, what?  Therapy is a good place to start.
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Avatar_m_tn
I know exactly how you feel. Except I have actually cheated on my girlfriend and I feel terrible. I did confess to her and of course she doesn't trust me now, but the thing is that this one time incident that occurred didn't end with me sleeping with the girl. Its all a long story but most people would have had sex in that situation but I didn't. So she makes me swear on my life and makes me promise to god. When I first told her I was 100% sure of what happened. Now my mind keeps pacing back and forth on the subject making me feel as if I did have sex with the girl and if I did I dont remember. i dont know how to get rid of this uncertainty. It's amazing how the mind can play tricks on you and deceive you. i do believe I have OCD and will be going to see a therapist this friday.
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Avatar_m_tn
It does constantly beat me especially since I did cheat. I just want to be honest with her more than anything.

I also suffer from a hyperactive conscience
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Avatar_m_tn
Either man up and get over the fact that you cheated on your girlfriend, or be a real man and tell her... Tell her about the OCD and how much anxiety it is giving you, and tell her that you did not sleep with the girl, but that your OCD is causing intrusive thoughts that make you think that you did.

Who cares that you didn't sleep with the girl. You still put yourself in the situation voluntarily. I know telling someone with OCD to 'get over it' is basically impossible without intensive therapy, but seriously. You f'd up, now deal with the consequences. It should be her choice whether or not to forgive you, not  your choice whether or not to tell her.

As far as the OCD goes. Your best bet is treatment, and explaining your situation to the people close to you. It's kind of a crutch and will annoy everyone but especially at first it helps to have people reassure you that your intrusive thoughts are just intrusive thoughts, and that they're not real or going to do anything if you just ignore them. Be careful though as this can become an obsessive/compulsive cycle as well.
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Avatar_f_tn
I am going through the exact same thing. Saturday night I was drinking in a club. My girlfriend of 7 years was at home. I ran into a girl I used to date like 8 years ago. I had strong feelings for her at the time but it didn't work out. I have never cheated on my girlfriend nor ever thought of it. But Sunday evening, all of a sudden, while watching tv I got hit with this sudden feeling of 'but what if' and I feel like I have cheated, even though I am certain I didn't. I know I was drunk but after the club I can recall what fast food joint I went to, exactly what I ordered, how much it cost, how much my cab home cost and how much a tip I gave the cab driver. Surely if I can remember this I would remember cheating on my girlfriend. Anyway all week I have had unbelievable feelings of guilt when alone and constantly overthinking. However when I come home to my girlfriend I have no feelings of guilt. Just happiness. She knows about what I am going through and has even told me that when I came in home drunk Saturday night I told her I had met this girl and was talking to her. If I had cheated surely I would have admitted it there and then? Also I text messaged this girl to find out of anything happened and she said no but I am now telling myself that she is lying to save us both the embarassment. Anyway I am going to a therapist next week to try resolve these issues. I have been before and have been told I over analyse and catastrophise things. Anyone any help on this it is literally tearing my life apart. I haven't been diagnosed with OCD.
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1699033_tn?1345482688
Doubt, overanalyzing, catastrophizing, and what-iffing are all hallmarks to having OCD.  So while you may not have the diagnosis and I'm not sure why the therapist hasn't give you one, I think you do have it.  Maybe sure you keep your appointment with the therapist.  Hopefully they teach CBT, if not you may want to look for someone that does.  Releax....you didn't do anything.  You need to trust yourself.
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1699033_tn?1345482688
my fingers did lots of typos...sorry.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks for the post it was a great help. I am definitely gonna go to the therapist. Hate feeling like this
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Avatar_f_tn
I myself have the same thoughts usually when i been drinking thinking i cant remember. One guy acrually made a pass at me and freezing and left feeling totally shocked. Am quite a loving person likes to show affection to my mates. I think everyone my mate and no one will hurt me. That man knows my partner he over stepped the line not me. But as many say what if i did react in the wrong way and did respond. I have since contacted the guy and asked he said i wudnt do anything and he made the pass. So y am i still thinking what if .
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Avatar_m_tn
it's really sad to see how much this has distressed you.

I know you won't believe me but you have not cheated.

Suffering from OCD myself i can say if anything this just proves how much you actually love her and how loyal you are, not to generalize but Most people with ocd are very moral; how much this thought has upset and effected you.
I am nearly in the exact same situation as you with my boyfriend. Everything down to drinking too much but remembering 95% of the night and just speaking to an old flame and sending texts for reassurance from them ect
It has been the most draining miserable 8 months of my life but completely like you said when i'm actually with my boyfriend i'm happy and can push it out of my mind because i know and you know, deep down it's not true.
I can't tell you how relatable reading your comment was.
the whole story/event/feelings is like reading what i've been through.
Dont let it ruin your relationship like it nearly has mine.
You are a good person and if you still feel guilty just remember would a bad person worry this much about 'the thought' and how much it has upset you.
have a good life
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