Why does this HOCD feel so real?

It feels like i can't control my thoughts and my groinal reposes have gotten worst i keep thinking that I am turning bisexual this is driving me crazy. I feel as if I am just in   denial and all this HOCD is just an excuse for me not to be gay or bi I am so confused how can someone go their whole lives liking girls and suddenly just start having these thoughts i feel like all these thoughts came out of no where. I was happy the way i was now i can barley look at TV because of all these groinal responses it's like every time i try to think of a girl a man pops into my head i tried to masturbate to the gay thoughts and it didn't feel right it just felt weird but yet i continued to do it just to see if i could ejaculate and i did which made me think that this is what i want. This all started from me looking at  transsexual porn I've seen pretty much every type of porn but i never even considered looking at transsexual porn up until 4 months ago. I didn't realize it would cause this problem i have now i was exposed to porn at a very young age around i just don't know how to get these gay thoughts out of my head. The give me groinal responses i just don't know what to do maybe I am just a latent homosexual or bisexual i don't think I am a Homophobe. I've never had anything against gay or bi people nor does my mom or sister so it's not a family issue either i just don't get it I've liked girls since i was 4 and now I am getting these thoughts at 18 ugh why is this happening to me all i ever wanted was to have a girlfriend and now that this has happened i don't think i'll ever get one I am just entering high school this is supposed to be the best year of my life but now it is the worst i feel as if the past 18 years of my life have been a lie maybe i should just accept that I am gay or bi and just come out the closet i know my mom would be surprised. Sometimes i wish i could just sleep forever because that is the only time i don't really think so much. Why does this feel so real?

[JGF25]

I'm not going back and rereading your other posts. What have you done to help yourself? I'm sure I told you that all this " testing" has got to stop.

[Drum2012]

Dude I'm going through the same thing.  

#1 STOP WATCHING PORN
#2 STOP MASTURBATING
#3 STOP CHECKING

Chances are you aren't gay. You're just encountering your worst fear.  If you were gay would be more afraid to tell the public that you were gay than yourself turning gay.  

Plus stop reading other peoples problems especially on sites such as yahoo or google forums.  Those people are just trying to get into your head with nonsense.  I personally don't believe that somebody can just realize they are gay later in life.  You can't just randomly go from straight to gay unless you knew at an early age and just denied it sooooo much that you forced yourself to think you're straight.  

I know that isn't the case for me because I can very well remember my first crush and it was a girl.  

I'm having the same trouble too and IT IS TERRIBLE!!! You just gotta know how to stop the patterns and everything will be solved.  

[jay780]

What scares me is that i saw this picture of two men having sex today just to test myself and i dont know if i was aroused or if i wasn't but i masturbated just to see if it really did and i ejaculated then after i just started to cry this must mean im gay or bi i just don't know what to believe anymore i don't know if it feels wrong because of the groinal responses but at the same time it does feel wrong it's like every time i see a girl or try to think of one now they all have penises which makes me think i want to be with transsexuals now

[jay780]

i also remember my first crush it was a girl when i was 5

[lrichy]

I made a post about HOCD about 2 weeks ago. I am a lot better now after seeing a therapist and I can tell you from personal experience, the healing process starts with you.

You need to accept the fact that you may be gay, and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. If you're like me, and extremely analytic with every single thing that happens to you, you're just going to dig yourself into a deeper hole with all the checking and what not.

I figured that there should really be no fear of being gay in the first place, sexually is determined at birth so why would you try to change who you are meant to be just to fit in, it's dumb.

You need to expose yourself to gay people, gay movies, gay magazines, every single thing that is gay. I know this sounds extremely crazy but it is truly the only way to get better, JUST ACCEPT THE FACT THAT YOU MAY BE GAY.

What helped me "break" the awkwardness I had around gay people is watching coming out videos on youtube. Just watch them, and don't think anything about yourself.... just try to understand how they felt (DO NOT RELATE IT TO YOURSELF). I spent 2 hours straight yesterday watching these videos, and after when I went out in public, men were no longer on my mind, all I saw were women and how pretty they were.

I'm not completely healed, but again, the first step to healing yourself comes with the fact that you may be gay, and you MUST accept that. Hell, I may even turn out to be gay, but you know, that's alright because I really don't care that much anymore.

[jay780]

How is this supposed to help me im going to just think im gay and end up  doing gay things it's like i would be accepting im gay when im not and does that mean i have to come out as gay

[lrichy]

If you really think that then I'm sorry man, I was there 2 weeks ago and now I feel f***ing excellent. HOCD stems from the fear of becoming gay, if you expose yourself to your fear, and get comfortable enough with your fear then its no longer going to cause you anxiety.

"im going to just think im gay and end up  doing gay things"
No you won't, think about it... If you have a fear of roller coasters, the only way to overcome that fear is to ride roller coasters over and over until you find them fun. Now I'm not saying that you should become gay while doing this, but you really do need to address the issue to yourself. The only person that knows if you are gay is you, if you truly don't think that you are, then you're not.

"does that mean i have to come out as gay"
No. It does not, why would you need to come out? As far as I'm concerned the exposure to gay people and how they act will get you comfortable with the idea of gays, ultimately killing your fear of becoming gay.

Here's the thing that ticked in my mind that made me realize that this whole "illness" is extremely stupid. If you really are gay, you were born that way.... why are you running away from who you are? Wouldn't you rather be happy and joyful than suffering through these thoughts every waking moment of your life? Now I'm not saying that you're gay, but I hope you know where I'm coming from when you say this.

Common things I tell myself when I have a gay thought/intrusive thought.
Instead of "Oh my god why do I think that guy is attractive, am I gay, why do I think that...." where this goes on forever
Think "Oh, I may be gay, and that's alright." and end the thought there.

Once you accept the 2nd quote, you will stop feeling so god damn anxious around people. Trust me on that, I have lost majority of my friends over the past 8 months due to the anxiety my HOCD produced in social situations. Aren't you tired of it? Just give it up man, you know you're not gay, but you need to EXPOSE YOURSELF TO YOUR FEAR, IT IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET OVER IT.

[lrichy]

Also I noticed that you have like 5 posts all about HOCD. Get off these forums man, it's not helping you. Go get a gym membership and start meditating, its the ****

[Drum2012]

Like Irichy said accept the fact that you are having these thoughts and that you "MIGHT" be gay. key word "MIGHT!"  You are either born gay or not. I don't believe that BS some people put on the internet about turning gay later in life and not realizing it. That's some Bull Sh*t.  Every gay person I know has been gay since they were young. It's not something that just happens to you randomly in life without you having some kind of clue along the way.  

Also I read an article by Fred prenzel phd. saying that anxiety+stress is very similar to the way you feel when you REALLY like someone.  But when you have ocd thoughts about irrational things such as turning gay anxiety will make you really believe in these thoughts.  It may feel like you're turned on or like some guy but you really don't.   This has happened to me.  It's made me believe that I liked  one of my friends who is gay but the anxiety is what is making you and me believe it.  The only reason this thought came into my mind was because he was gay and made me think well if he's gay that means I must be attracted to gays now.  THAT'S NOT THE CASE!  you're mind is very powerful and can work against you such as HOCD.  

Dude if you were born gay you would have know a long time ago when you started liking girls.  I always have liked girls before all this and had sexual feelings toward a few.  This has F***ED up my life for a month and a half.  And I need to continue my life exactly the way it was before which i had a lot of goals which have been put on the back burner because of this.  All we have to do is encounter our fears.  And accept the possibility that we might be gay.  Chances are we aren't!!!! END OF STORY!! If you've always liked girls before than you're straight!!! You're sexual orientation can not be changed.  

[jay780]

I went to emptyclosets.com and they say HOCD isn't real and that people use HOCD as an excuse for being gay or bi and now i think maybe they are right maybe i am coming to a realization or something all this gay stuff in my head is so strong I've cried like 5 times today  this stuff feels like i truly am gay or bi because now when i get the thoughts i barely get anxiety and i start to laugh a little i dont know why tho maybe im happy about these thoughts i don't know

[jay780]

i can barely go to the bathroom without thinking im gay

[Drum2012]

dude HOCD is real bro.  


http://www.ocfoundation.org/EO_HO.aspx

Read that. Don't believe what random people say on the internet unless it's from reliable sites such as this one.  And the guy who wrote this has a phd.  I think I'm gonna believe this guy rather than some random dude on empty closet.

In all honesty have you ever wanted to be with/marry/kiss/have sex with another man before all this ocd? If yes then there is a good possibility you could be gay. If no than that's it YOU ARE NOT GAY!! stop killing yourself over something so simple.  

[lrichy]

Some people say that evolution isn't real, do you believe that? (If you're religious then think of it the other way around).

It's an opinion, & they don't know what it's like to have this fear because their fear manifested from not being accepted for being gay. YOUR fear is that you do not want to become gay. There is a huge difference here.

It's also known that people with "HOCD" cannot stop the impulses of fearing that they may be gay, while people who are in the closet can stop their sexual thoughts if they please. Your quote about how you can't even take a **** without thinking you're gay is a huge backup to that statement, your mind is plagued by these thoughts, and there seems to be no way out right? I was there before, and you want to know how I helped myself? I went on sites just like that and just read about how people realized they were gay, I EXPOSED myself to gay culture which got comfortable with the fact that being gay isn't as bad that we HOCD-ers make it out to be. After accepting this fact, I no longer had the fear of becoming gay and the thoughts have been slowly drifting away ever since.

I can tell you that I went to a Japanese Steakhouse with two gay guys yesterday (one is my friend the other his his friend) and held perfect conversations with them while feeling extremely comfortable. I'm also not afraid to say the random guy was attractive, where two weeks ago I would be ******** myself with constant "Why do I think this?" streams in my head. Does this mean I want to make love to him and marry him? No. I just thought he was a good looking guy, and the fact that I can now appreciate good looking men has really hindered my intrusive thoughts.

You really should read this, it's something I found off of google and it even includes someone who says they "needed transsexual/gay stuff to jolt (him) into arousal". Read this whole article, and understand that when I talk about exposure I'm talking about exposure therapy, which means don't look at gay porn (you pornaholic, you).

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201212/exposure-therapy-hocd

The part I quoted is under the "Classic sexual conditioning" section.

Good luck, friend.