First time posting here. I'm thank full a community like this exists. It has helped me cope with my Hocd for a while.
I don't really know how to begin, but here it goes. I believe (or think) that we are born gay. It's in our genetics right? Just like how our personality begins to show at early ages, wouldn't our sexual orientation too? I mean wouldn't you know yourself that you were attracted to the same sex from the beginning?
I remember when I was young I had crushes on a lot of boys. Even when I was in elementary I had crushes on five boys, because I couldn't pick just one of them. I grew up in a religious family so my mom always told me that you don't date guys or anything. You save all that for marriage. But still at school I use to flirt with guys all the way up to high school. In high school I had a major crush on this one guy for two years. I didn't knew about LGBT until freshman year of high school( I know super slow), at that time I thought it was weird for the same sex to like each other. But later I told myself its their life, they could be just what they want, so I didn't care about any of it. Due to religious upbringing and strict parents I never dated. I dreamt like crazy that one day when I go to college I'll finally be able to date any guy I want( or even I would go out with my crush). But, to ruin those plans, I had to move and change schools.
The new school I started doesn't really have any type of guys that I'm attracted to ( sorry but I have high standards)...so I turned to the world of boy bands and started dreaming about those guys ( yes, I'm a very typical teen) but soon I started realizing that I'm never going to be with picture perfect guys like them( I'm Talking about Asian boy bands, you know the kind were there restful and have caring type of images) and started getting depressed that I'm never going to find the guy of my dreams. Then a sudden thought came in my mind about me being a lesbian. After that for two months I panicked like crazy and fought off every lesbian thought that I had. I just couldn't accept me being a lesbian. The word it self put me in a panic state. I use to check if I was attracted to other girls. Later after finding this community and seeing so many others with the same problem put me at ease. I was hocd free for a month. At that time another obsessive thought had taken over me. But hocd came back again, and I did whatever to fight it off.
Now when ever I get these thoughts I don't say "no" or stop or tell them to go away, aggressively. I'm pretty calm and tell them to stop or keep chanting or saying no repeatedly. This is on and off. I even talk my self through it, and tell myself that I never had these thoughts before, I have always loved guys, and when I knew a male celebrity was gay I would be really happy thinking that hey, if I can't have that means no other woman will either. Although now I feel like I have fallen deep in these thoughts that they won't go away no matter what. Like as soon as I wake up I get thoughts asking me are you gay? Are you gay now? Or when I'm falling asleep I get the same thoughts and again I fight them off calmly cuz obviously I'm tired but still saying no to them. Now I'm even afraid to check with myself if I like girls. I'm scared that what if do like them? What if I'm just not accepting it? And when I know that I'm not gay, or when hocd is in its off stage, I ask myself like I'm not gay right? Is that why its gone? But then I start getting scared that what if it comes back again. I don't want to be gay but I get thoughts like you are gay, just accept it, and I really just want them to stop and go away. Now when I think of being with a man, I'm scared that I won't like him or be attracted to him. I don't want that. Even with hocd I still think of being with a man,like finding him in college, but an image of a woman replaces it and I hate it. I wish all of this would just stop. I feel like there isn't going to be a guy who is ever going to come in my heart ever again. I don't want to be with a girl. But my mind says that eventually I will. And again I fight it calmly. It's like now I don't repress the thoughts but just tell them no repeatedly. It works sometimes. Even today for a few minutes I had a relief from all of gay thoughts. What can I do to stop them?
Oh one more thing. Now a days when I try to think of me being with a guy I just can't get that image in my head. And I'm scared that I might be gay. But then again I have a lot of stuff going on in my life right now. I'm preparing to go to college, have to get ready for exams, filling out tons of applications, and so much more. Would this have to do anything with it?
First of all stress does exacerbate anxiety and OCD which may be the reason the thought is back. Also you did mention that at some point another obsessive thought had taken over so I would say that you definitely have OCD tendencies however I'm not qualified to diagnose you on this forum. So the reality of it is that you need to see a psychologist. They will give you a diagnosis of whatever it is you have going on and then work with you to learn strategies that you can use to help get rid of the thoughts. In reality, the idea is to give them no credit because after all they are irrational. From what you have written I don't think for a second you are gay and just so you know I too believe who we are attracted to has a basis in genetics.
So talk to your parents if you have to get there permission to see a psychologist and get the ball rolling. You are going to be going to college and more stress is going to be placed on you and it is a good idea to have some strategies in place to help yourself when or if it does happen.
Thank you for replying! I do finally have an appointment with a therapist but its a month from now. And I feel like my hocd only gets worse with time. It's stops but the thought is still there( learning to ignore it) and then comes back stronger. The thing is its leaving me in doubt. I ask my self so many questions. I'm doubting that this isn't hocd anymore and I'm going to accept it. I do not want that. But as days go on, I'm wondering if I do. The other thing that gets to me is that I don't panic over this anymore, when a lesbian thought comes, I don't panic like I use to and that scares me. I was actually thinking about this today and suddenly I remembered going to a movie with my best friend and then I started getting thoughts like " when you went to the movies you wondered if people thought you were a lesbian" and that got me thinking but it didn't send me into a panic mode. Before hocd started I didn't care if the other person thought I was a lesbian, because I knew I wasn't one so why let someone else's words bother me. But thinking back to what happened at the movies I did wanted people to think I was a lesbian so I could get a chance to prove them wrong when I talked about guys with my BFF. Kind of like messing with people. And now this thought wont leave me alone. I don't want to be a lesbian, but I feel as if I'm accepting it or will accept and I don't want to. It's gotten to the point whereby brain is exhausted and its only me thinking up all of these thoughts and trying to reassure myself that I'm not one. I'm even thinking back to when I was 5 or 6, and wondering was i into girls then? I think it's silly considering I didn't knew what sexuality was back then. I do remember when I was in elementary school a guy friend of mine told me he was gay and I was cool with it, I didn't care. But now I'm thinking " I must be gay If I was cook about it" although I knew I had a crush on a guy that time. This is how these thoughts are messing with me. It's so annoying. One last thing when my hocd is "off" I feel relieved and then trying to prove that it's gone, I imagine myself with a guy, but then I get feeling of " no I shouldn't be doing this" and it really pisses me off. So I try to check with a girl instead. I've been actually doing some checking between a guy and a girl too lately and that scares me. I really don't want to be gay but now I'm just doubting everything and it won't go away. I feel like before even going to the therapist I would have become gay, I don't want that.
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