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bad hocd case

Hello, to you people from me. I'll try not to be so long, but i'll ask for patience from your side..
Ok, nowadays i'm bad hocd case. Actually, i think i'm with hocd maybe since 9 or 10 years old boy (i don't know, i suppose) and now i'm realizing i have a big problem with it. can't escape it.
My story: i'll say only that clear anxiety and discomfort came to me as i was on the beach one summer, finding myself looking at the bodies of boys instead of girls. and all the awful questions like "why did i look at this?, why i thought about this" am i gay then without knowing it? and if i'm gay..what am i going to do? i'm not gay but what if i am after all?" and all those stuff, begining with "why" and "what if" questions. it disapeared for a while until one day i just started to have obssesions and intrusive thoughts like kissing a guy in the mouth who i see on the tv or the street. And even more, like looking at the *** of a boy and a thought of slapping his good looking *** comes to my mind. without actually real desire of doing it. All that gross things when i wrote on the web about me and a girl told me i have a hocd. lol, you people don't know what had gone through my head at the begining - like shooting myself bc i could not live with this and when i saw in the web scales about what is hocd person and what is a real gay person...i felt like a heavy burden just fell down from my body. i saw i'm like 90-95% hocd person with that kind of symptoms. of course i know deep inside i'm not gay and i'm not liking boys in the sexual way..but... it's ocd, can't help it.. :(
Now to the difficult part and my questions and doubts i would be happy if a therapist here can help me
figure out a little bit at least.. Now i'm to that part of my life where i think i managed to control my anxiety so it can't control me clearly. i know how it can attack me (on what kind of thoughts) and when it may come again. Even if it comes, i just let it go through me without trying to escape that anxiety. I even welcome my obsessions to play their "worst scenario" in my head and may be for that now i don't have almost obsessions. if i have them, they are connected to very particulat things, ideas, thoughts and don't persist for a long time. It's like that: if an obsession comes, i let it come and then i feel how my brain is trying to say immediatelly "NO" to the coming obsession and reject it, but i try to force myself and  nothing really happens actually - intrusive thoughts are something like going away, but not clearly. However, they are not giving me strong anxiety anymore, just in some ways if i'm under big pressure, but anxiety and discomfort are still in me.
The biggest problem now for me is... the groinal response. You have no idea how this ****** hocd is playing with my mind. It's like a game bounded by uncertainty that can drive you angry sometimes and mad, by hidden anxiety, by the doubt "what am i after all?" and all that compulsively checking and reassurance...
So, my groinal response is not just some movement between my legs, but it's a real and very strong erection. Ok, most of you probably will say that i'm not realized gay (and say it, yes, i want to see how my anxiety will bring me down. well, it can't!) but i'll explain my exact feels with example which is taken from my very daily life:
Ok, if and when i see a good looking guy, very handsome with abs and muscles and stuff like that, something comes to my mind and hits me so strong that i just can't and can't get it out of my head. Something like that for example (i'm very sorry if it is against the rules of the forum you can delete it if you want) http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4hotuGNow1rr3fnfo1_500.gif or that https://s-media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/originals/8e/0c/c1/8e0cc1a10a64ae918b62183b4e0c988a.jpg
I feel how it sits in my mind like a big strong wall i can't jump over it. I call it a total obssesive type of thinking, total mania my brain just can't stop think of it when it see it. And so, when i see pictures like that everywhere around me or even on the street my brain is like turning on to something, connecting it to everything sexual and then my body can't react to those thoughts and things in other way but with strong erection i just can't escape. If i see a picture like that i'm getting horny to the skies and no matter what i do, it just won't go out untill i turn it off or start doing and thinking of something else. And along with my erection... here it comes the feeling, the desire of getting a quick relief of that obssesive type of thinking. and i just can't do it other way unless i masturbate, (and masturbate on that particular thing i see) if i don't do it it won't go away, i think this is totally a compulsive behaviour. Is there a way i can escape this? I'm asking, because now i try to lay myself down to the fear i can be gay, i try to put myself in situations like that, watching, observing gay pictures or other stuff - but believe me, instead of feeling more and more disgusted as i should be (and principally how i feel from it), while i'm watching things like that ( just as that for example http://25.media.tumblr.com/be09ebcdef6054fdfa2c0da49d18b4e5/tumblr_mpr3mycuc31rqwi2uo1_500.gif ) i'm getting more and more sexually aroused without even a real feel in it. And my mastubation to that stuff always ends with quick ejaculation. After that i'm feeling emotionally bad, as i have been sucked by some force leaving me with no choice and only with bad feelings. I can't help it.
Is this happening because of my anxiety and attempts not to try to concentrate on the obssesive thoughts? I feel it like that - if i see a boys *** i tell to me "don't look at it" and my brain forces me even more to look at it, but if i expose myself to this it's getting even worse. If i see a good looking body of someone of the same sex i'm getting erected just for seconds and i can't do anything to stop it. it just tortures me till i'm going crazy sometimes. It's awful, people i can't get sometimes with my normal life bc no matter where am i i see those stuff and all those erections are getting real just by itself...i don't have words to describe it, it controls my life and brain very badly. And everytime i get in situation like this i sense how i'm getting that discomfort repeating to my if i see a good looking guy with muscles i'll get erected and i'll not manage not to get erected and things by then are getting really scary.
Can that problem be solved in the way of cognitive-behavioural therapy or it's just...i must get use to that way of life without even wanting it, knowing it is not real... I think i have the right answer why this is happening to me, but i wanna hear some opinions and more advices...
It's ruining my life, people, i can't stand it already... :( :(
2 Comments Post a Comment
I did not go to the URLs you posted.  But what I am getting from you is that you have had these thoughts in the past and when you let them wash over you they go away.  Well that is exactly what you are supposed to do.  When you fight the thoughts, they stay around and when you don't, they go away.  You took the fear out of them.  That doesn't mean you are gay that is just you saying "I don't care anymore" because deep down inside you know you are not gay.  

If you were to talk to a gay person they would more than likely tell you that they knew they were gay from very early on in their lives.  We don't just wake up one day and become gay.  

As for the erections...I don't know what to tell you other than the mind is very, very powerful.  When you say white your mind says black.  When you absolutely don't want to have an erection, you have one.  I'm not a male and so it is kind of hard for me to wrap my head around.  

Letting thoughts wash over you is good but you are doing something bad which is testing.  Don't look at pictures or porn and say "what if."  Comparing ourselves to the same sex is very natural but when we are having irrational thoughts such as you are having then yes, you are going to concentrate on the guys eyes and the mind is saying look elsewhere.  I understand the battle.  

Do you see a psychologist for this?  If not, then I think it is time.  You have developing some good coping mechanisms on your own but there is so much more to learn from cognitive behavioral therapy.  Even talk therapy helps and of course after you have talked to the psychologist the two of you can decide if medication is warranted.  
Thanks, JGF25 for your answer.. As it is about the real gay people - i know a few gay guys and i know what they are like. What i mean is one of them who was my coleague at the university, send me once his text in which he says he is gay, he's feelings and life. Of course i am soo far away from him and his way of life and personality... (he even one day told me "dude, you're not even attractive". God, i was so happy then because if i was attractive he for sure would fell in love with me and i couldn't probably get rid of him. Then become the fear if he could liked me anyway, because he told me later he is gay and if i think how i was so friendly close to him withouth knowing his gay side he could easily use me...anyway, the thought of a boy wanting me sexually.or trying to hook up with me..lol, that is not so pleasant at all.) May be those thoughts of the real difference between me and him are making me feel more calm and not push myself to the panic. And yes, i know that you can't get gay for a day or two, you're born that way. I know i'm not gay too, but you see...it's the wrong cycle where first my ocd thoughts and actions (when i didn't know in my life i have them) long ago made they work. then (i mean nowadays) i start to feel anxious and discomfort when i think that in my past i've done things that can clearly be qualified as "gayish". and that bothers me bc it's a result of my ocd that made my compulsive actions without actually i'm beeing gay. and everything is repeating in my head. but the thought that i can be in some way gay (be remembering parts of my past) is making me sick, based on irrational thoughts and actions. Don't know if you can understand me, but i can't explain it well.
You are right about the erections and the testing. You see, even now, when i don't make much compulsions and try just not to fell under their power, i'm still in the compulsive actions which my brain wants me to do and i still can't get over it. I see you really understand my problem with my erections and i'll repeat myself again, but i'll say it: i'm getting sexually aroused no matter if i say to my brain "don't look at it or don't get erected" but even when i don't do or think anything. It's totally automatic process between my mind and my body that i just can't break to pieces. No matter what i do or don't do, when i see some good looking from the same sex.. my brain is immediatelly turning on to the wrong thoughts and my body feels it necessary to react at all cost with erection and sexual arouse. And this is quite disturbing, making me feel emotionally bad because i can't enjoy with my real life, it just stucks to my brain like a glue and there is no way out.
About the psychologist - i think i don't need one. I just need a good therapist that can help me. And yes i know i must go, but... i don't have the money for now and that's pitty :(
And by the way - i don't need no pills or medications. I just need a therapy with good mechanisms to fight my hocd in it. Takin pills or antidepressants will only drag me close and quicker to hell. i can handle without them. I'm sure. :)
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