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blood on ground - fear I stepped in it with my sandals
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blood on ground - fear I stepped in it with my sandals

Sigh.... and here it starts again.

I was feeling better about things. Getting my life in order and moving in a positive direction. Things that would typically set off a full blown panic have not, and I have been able to reduce the counting, and hand washing rituals. I have been sleeping better and feeling better.

And yesterday began the downward spiral.

It is summer, and summer bring flip flops. I was wearing them yesterday while on my way home on public transportation. I notice some bright red spots on the ground and thought "oh no blood" then tried to rationalize with myself at once "its too bright to be blood., must be paint or something..." then more drops and then the unmistakable moment where I realized... "yup, it's blood". I immediately said "ewwww" outloud and my husband turned to see what I was eww'ing at. He noticed the blood, and said noncholanty, its only a few drops. I walked past it and carried on my night.

I then started to worry that I may have stepped on the blood. I am fairly certain that I was a good distance away from the drops when I noticed them and did keep my distance. But I did not look back to see if there was anymore blood that I may not have noticed. My flip flops are brown so its hard to tell what is one the bottom without actually cleaning them and that is not happening anytime soon, esp now since I am afraid of the blood. I looked at the bottom of my feet and on the sides and did not see anything.

I took my usual night time shower and began to panic...how am I going to clean my feet without contaminating my sponge or the bar of soap or my hands? I used barsoap and my hands and then discarded the soap. I washed my hands. I then rewashed my body and scrubbed my feet with my sponge.

I felt ok. Then I noticed the cut on my thumb. I thought " **** me!" its always like this isn't it? OCD just continues to press and press and when you think you've past it haha nope, it throws you another loop.

I'm not sure if I am stressed, fed up, panicked, annoyed, overwhelmed, actually afraid or if I feel like I should be afraid, I just can't take this anymore.

I'm not sure what to do at this point. I am afriad of my sandals now. Of course my husband put them on top of another pair this am while getting his shoes on, so now I have another pair to fear. I am afraid of the sponge in my shower. I am concerned about when and how I got this cut on my cuticle... its too much.

I want things to be ok. I want to be able to say, I walked past the blood and I know I would have been able to if I had just turned around to look, but I wanted to prove to my husband that I am making progress and now I am here, so which would have been the worst scenario...

Just wanted to vent, and know other's share my frustrations.
9 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_m_tn
You have been doing so well don't let this get to you,firstly you know that HIV becomes inactive once exposed to air,secondly you just have to walk into the ED on any given night and there will be blood on the floor I can assure you.It's everywhere.I used a public toilet just a week and a bit ago and it was on the floor and in the toilet bowl.I have seen blood in shopping malls and on foot paths.All you have to know is that it's not infectious because it's been exposed to air.I would forget all about this.
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2083175_tn?1336085912
I know this about HIV, it's not a fear of HIV. Its a fear of Hepatitis C... probably just as unlikely however it does not die as quickly and that causes me fear.

I read your exposure, and I still say kudos to you!
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1699033_tn?1405352675
Think of it this way Lola....there is absolutely nothing you can do about it short of staying in your house.  So you have to adopt the mantra "I can't control everything and this is one of them."  You know the chances are very, very small that you would ever get HepC from this type of transmission.  The CDC says that HepC can live between 16 hours and 4 days tops.  So what you want to do is DO NOT throw away the flip flops.  Give it the 4 days and then wear them again.  It is the only way you can start to get a handle on your fears.  I hear the frustration in you voice in knowing that these things are irrational and feeling powerless.  But the fact is you hold all the power and you choose what path you go down.  
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Avatar_m_tn
You are correct about the HCV but it needs to get into your blood stream & that will never happen stepping on blood.I agree it's not a very nice experience but it really is hard to avoid most of the time because we aren't always looking down.I believe you are totally safe from HepC.
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Avatar_m_tn
I agree with JGF once again,what life are we living if we just stay home and not face the world.I have adopted this thinking & I hope it will work--unless I have a major exposure then my OCD can go to hell because I won't let it win.I am not going to ask the ''what if'' or ''maybe'' questions--no way.
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2083175_tn?1336085912
Thank you to both of you.

I have done that with  many things already, wait 4 days and then wash them, or wear them again, or feel better that my house isn't contaminated. What a way to live I tell ya.

The worst is that I probably DIDN'T step on anything.

And of course finding the cut on my hand that was definately not there in the a.m. freaked me out too. In my mind that's blood to blood contact. Even though I am sure I didn't step in the blood.

I am definatey frustrated by this, it just never ever seems to end. It always seems that I almost make it through the day without an OCD attack and then BAM. I try, I really do. And I try really hard.

After my shower I wanted to wash the floors where I walked and thought, ok really? You can't go there. You can't give it. You have to have some form of rational thought. Yes, I can be afraid but I have to still have some sort of control. I resisted and did not wash my floors. It's a small thing that if I had done would have pushed me way over into the land of the mentally ill so I resisted.
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2083175_tn?1336085912
I think I have officially lost my marbles...

I passed by the same place in the public transport and the spots of "blood" are still there... and still bright red... 4 days later.... something tells me this was never blood to begin with.

I have been stressed and concerned for what exactly? I know OCD is a sickness of the mind, but now I am making up reasons to be scared.

I feel very much like a fool right now.
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Avatar_m_tn
I think we are the lucky one when you think about it--think of the police,doctors,nurses,ambulance--emts,they get blood on them all the time.What about sports people--this is why in the real word not the OCD world we are so safe.Oh & by the way--you're not a fool at all.
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Avatar_m_tn
Still bright red after four days?  I don't think you are dealing with blood here.  Blood turns a dark color, almost brownish red.  Its only really bright red once it comes out of the body and is full of oxygen.  Four days later, the oxygen is gone and it is much darker.  There is no brightness to it.  I am thinking it is red paint or maybe nail polish.  I know how OCD works, so hang in there!
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