hocd,

[polk23]

Hello, I am 18 years old and for the past 2 years or so, i have had severe anxiety over the idea of being gay. I have never had a girlfriend, kissed a girl, or had sex. the anxiety started when i went  to see a movie with a friend and in the movie there were a bunch of guys in the shower. this is my first recollection of being afraid that i was gay. I was officially diagnosed with ocd about 5 years ago, but have exhibited it for several years before being diagnosed.

I have spent many sessions with both a psychologist and a psychiatrist discussing my thoughts and fears of  being gay.The reason i believe that i am straight is because of all my past memories, fantasies, crushes, etc. For example, i remember my first crush on a female classmate in 3rd grade. then in the following years, i remember crushing on one of my close female friends. We would spend a lot of time together and even get close with each other. As i entered high school, i had numerous sexual fantasies of girls in my class. Whenever i would see these girls i would get extremely turned on. Also, while going through adolescence i always pictured myself having a girlfriend and engaging  As this problem has come to bother me, i have noticed that that extreme sexual attraction that i got from these girls  has decreased alot. Growing up i always knew i was straight. but now i doubt myself. Over the past 2 years that this has been a problem, the fear has come and gone. There are times when i feel like it has gone away, but then it comes back again and escalates to extreme discomfort.

To help me prove that i am not gay, i test myself by either looking at other males or setting a homosexual thought in my head in attempt to see if i am turned on by it.  

Recently, i have felt very awkward around my male friends. I have done alot of reading about the problem ive been facing, and i understand that to be gay, one wants to have a relationship with the same sex and wants to engage in sexual activity. At times i know for a fact that this is NOT what i want, but then there are times when i feel confused about my thoughts, not knowing what i want. sometimes i become convinced that all this obsessing over being gay and the gay thoughts that go through my head, are turning me gay.My doc says thAT  this is not is irrational.

Growing up all i have wanted is to have get married to a woman one day and havae childdren.

The fact of the matter is,  I DONT WANT TO FEEL THAT I AM GAY. I dont want this to come out wrong, but if i was gay, i would rather not be alive. I just want to get back to the normal feelings i had towards girls. I have spent hours and hours obsessing over these issues. i can not go a single minute without being bothered by this issue. It seems that the only time i can find freedom from this stuff, is by sleeping, and even then its not very helpful.  

my questions are... can i have some helpful feedback? is this normal? am i turning gay? and most importantly how can i overcome this?
please respond thank you

[JGF25]

This has been a "wow" moment for me.  I cannot believe that you have managed with OCD and anxiety for this long pretty much on your own.  Yes exercise is good as it is thought to raise serotonin levels.  It may be this fact along with the distraction that exercise brought you that has helped alleviate the symptoms.  

You do not have to give your dreams up.  They can still be realized.  You say that you worry that your doctor will not prescribe you anything.  Have you ever taken medication for your OCD?  Have you ever been to counseling?  It seems that counseling is not something you are open to.  Maybe I ask why?  

If you do want to go the medication route then you really should see a psychiatrist and not a general practitioner.  I think that your advanced OCD needs more than what the regular GP can provide.  

I will wait to see what your answers are to the above questions before saying more.  But remember, you have beaten it in the past, you can beat it again.  The medication will help you tremendously.  I know because I have OCD and I initially took Prozac which worked well.  I went off of it for many years.  This go around, because you are never OCD free, I went on Wellbutrin and again I am back to my normal self again.  And if you think for a second that I don't know what you are talking about with HOCD, I do, it was one of my irrational thoughts.  

Please post again.  I know exactly where you are coming from.  

[Nightmare27]

Hey guys, girls and the most recent poster Justine.

I totally feel everything that people have said here.

I think for me the issue has been that, I believe, I'm depressed and have been since I've been 18-19. I've diagnosed myself and I've treated myself through the gym but only for two 3 month periods or so. I found a regime that really alleviated all my problems or most of them. I have spent most of the last 9years feeling so out of it, so mentally tired that I couldn't hold a conversation. Being unable to think straight. I've lost my sex drive. I would up 4-5 times a night to pee....it doesn't matter if I drank or not. I had the worst immune system ever. I would be very angry and think dark thoughts and be mean. But it had gone on for so long that it felt normal. I had blood tests and nothing was found to be wrong with me. My doctor never mentioned depression.

By luck I stumbled onto a regime at the gym when I was 23 that raised my energy levels and got rid of my feelings for 3 motnhs until I changed the phase. I started to take joy in women again and to like myself and who I was. Then suddenly, I reverted back to form and this disease of the mind started again. I re-discovered the gym phase this summer and I never questioned myself. I would notice women on the train and occassionally men who were good looking. But suddenly, 2 weeks ago my mind said well what if you don't fancy this one girl in particular and for the last 2 weeks I've been in hell.

Now I can't control my mind...I keep double checking and questioning myself and my thought and feelings. I find myself asking do i fancy this guy? I think he's good looking but I have no sexual interest in him. But I can't just let it go there. It's as if I'm trying to force myself to find him sexually attractive. The best example would be the other day when i wasn;t thinkin about it and for 5 minutes I felt good. Then suddenly, my mind actually said you need to start checking out guys and it forced me back. I find my mind making or trying to make me find even unattractive guys attractive. I seem to have lost interest in women and I think I'm actually seeing things differently now.

I might have re-entered depression because the joy has left me and my world. My head spins around so much and I feel sick in my stomach and throat. I think I've even come to believe somthing that if I was feeling better I wouldn't entertain. I have no sexual desire towards men but its complicated by the fact that although I fantasise about women and get hard thinking about women, I seem to have lost my sex drive altogether. I've enjoed sex with women in the past.

It's so crazy to not be able to control your mind. There is no rest and escape from your thoughts. If you don't have peace of mind you have nothing. I can't watch t.v and I can't read books because I find myself getting unpleasant and unwanted thoughts. I have trouble concentrating and remembering basic things. I don't feel like myself and I feel weak and pathetic. I can sense the change in me and I'm sure others must be able to too. In some ways I think my depression has overwhelmed my OCD because now I jsut feel lifeless and I'm not sure if I have the energy to care. I have started waking up again in the middle of the night and have difficulty getting back to sleep.

Two weeks ago and for the last few months, I was flying high and people were looking up to me. Now I don't even want to be me and every interaction has lost its positivity. I try to recapture the glory days but I'm trying to hard and missing the target. My interactions with women are strained. I was the life and soul fo the party but now....

I too had dreams of a wife and family but now I seem to resign myself to the fact that they will never be. I will have to see the doctor to get help because I know that 2 weeks ago, I was so much better. Maybe not 100% but I could function. I worry that my doctor will not prescribe me anything or that I will need to do councelling and talk about these feelings.

[lilly_bug03]

Hi, I'm 15. I have the exact same problem. I have been thinking this way for such a long time, and i know how you feel. I know there was a time when i wasn't like this, but my mind keeps telling me that i was always like this. I feel like i'm all alone and that no one could possibly know how i feel. Whenever i try to stop these thoughts, they keep coming back. At one time, i thought being with a women would be gross, but now my thoughts are getting all twisted up and telling me that being with a woman is what i want. The thing is, when i wake up in the morning, i fell straight, but when i go to sleep at night, im on the verge of tears because i feel like im lesbian again. I don't want to live a lie, but everytime i try to picture myself with a woman, my stomach gets all twisted up and i feel like im gunna get sick, but at the same time, my mind is saying that, that is what i want. Do you feel this way too? I am so scared... The thing is, i've never actually had a real boyfriend so maybe that's the problem? Also, it seems like every time i see a female, i start thinking this way. I'm actually thinking about getting therapy soon. That seems like the only thing i can look forward to right now. I hope your problems get better. You've helped me out alot. Now i dont feel so alone. :)

[enderwiggin]

There is nothing wrong with you. It's the physiological connection that determines your sexuality, and it's stronger than your OCD. You seem to have all the traits of an average hetero male, and your OCD is playing tricks/manipulating these feelings.
I was diagnosed with OCD for fearing that I was gay after I read an article in the NATIONAL ENQUIRER about finger sizes!!!! Now how bad is that; how pathetic! But OCD is like a broken record that plays incessantly so I became obsessed that I was gay because of one finger size (I later did some research that showed the National Enquirer was full of it, Gee, go figure...)
You need to go out and find yourself a mate. It's what I did after a full summer of torment and obsession over being gay. She became a love in my life, and we were together for 2 years. I was 19 at the time.
I am 29 now and my brother, I STILL have the obsession. It's not as powerful as it used to be, and my love life from 19-29 has included ZERO gay experiences. I am NOT bashing homosexuality, but I love women.
You should read, as should I (hahaha), "Brainlock" by Jeffrey Schwartz. It's about overcoming your own OCD symptoms.
So Polk23, I leave you here with one last thought. When I was obsessing about being gay I felt like I was the only one in the world. That it was so uncommon and weird, I must be gay. You need to listen to your body/heart and not your mind when dealing with romance/sexual experiences.
HERE'S MY PRESCRIPTION: Enjoy your life, read the book 'Brainlock', and get yourself a lovely young lady if you don't already have one. Oh yeah, picking up girls, that's a whole different website, hahahah. Good luck, YOU'LL DO GREAT.

[Vako23]

It is normal to think these thoughts especially when you are in your teen years. And I also think that for some people it is normal to sometimes fantasize about the same sex, it does not mean you are gay, I think for people that are more sexual it is not uncommon to sometimes get aroused by those thoughts, but in no way does that make you gay,
It sounds like you know what you want, but the thoughts are making you wonder if there is that possibility, don't worry, your thoughts are not abnormal.

[mrcowbell]

The key is to not seek reassurance because reasurance only gives temporary relief and then reinforces the anxiety. You have to let the anxiety and insecurity just be there and subside on its own without checking or testing yourself.

No matter how much reassurance you get, ocd will never be 100% satisfied. You just have to accept the fact that your ocd mind is making you obsess over a question that nobody can ever answer with absolute certainty about themselves. Whenever the anxiety pops up just tell yourself something like this.. "well, I might be a little bi and I might not be, there is no way I will ever know for sure. Anyway, I have always liked girls so it really doesn't matter if I am or not".

It might give you a lot of anxiety to say things like that to yourself, but the key is to expose yourself to the anxiety and uncertainty so you will desensitize yourself to it. After a while the question wont even bother you anymore.

[ocdisnotcool]

I do not have a ton of  expertise but I have started to struggle just recently with these issues and they are all consuming.  

I am a female and 26 and have had three "serious relationships" and my current boyfriend is awesome.  Even in the relationship I have started thinking I am a lesbian.  

I really think it is just OCD.  However, I am like what if I am just in denial.  

This thought has been helping me.... If I really were it would not be this scary or painful.

I am not a homophobe either and do not want this to come out wrong, but I also realllllyyy do not want this to be the case.  

I also can tell you, I don't think people just magically turn gay.

Have you struggled with other forms of OCD?

You just need to not let the OCD win.  I can tell you, it is pretty clear that you are not gay.  So treat OCD like a "bad guy"  and tell it to F off.  I know it sounds cheesy but it works for me sometimes.  

When you have the thoughts, focus on something else if you can, I know easier said then done.  Go to the gym, or on a run.

Whatever you do, DO NOT stop hanging out with you friends.  As painful and scary as it can be, fight through it.  

I know this probably is not the expert opinion.

I just tell myself there is light and the end of the tunnel and we will learn to manage these thoughts and beat them.