Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

hocd or bisexual/bicurious

So since about February I've been struggling with the idea of possibly being gay/bisexual. I had a thought from my past. That I haven't remembered in years. At first it didn't phase me. But then I thought about it more and more. And more odd memories came back to me. Ranging from about the age of 8 to 14. But never were any of them. From want. But just plain curiosity. Everyone does things like that as a child and you develop. I've never ever wanted to be with a man nor have I evert thought about it. But around February one of these memories triggered me going crazy and doing whatever I could to figure it out. Having more unwanted intrsusive thoughts. It drove me nuts thinking I'm gay or bi. I did some research and found out that I might have hocd of course be of my impatience and want to find answers I commuted with all the rituals of have an intrusive thought looking to see if I find guys handsome if gay porn gets me aroused etc. I have the common knowledge of whether a guy has good looks and whatnot. Every man does. Socially its just not accepted so their afraid to admit it. I did watch a gay porn video once and it got me a little aroused but afterwards it grossed me out. At points I'm fine and I don't even think about it but sometimes its drives me up a wall. Around march I experimented with a close friend and it made me really uncomfortable. I couldnt get aroused. I'll admit his lips were soft. But the fact that it was a guy just wasn't appealing to me. Its only gotten worse and worse and more ibtrsuge thoughts just pop into my head and convince my mind and my body that its possible im bi. But I've never ever ever felt that way before and it was always so unappealing to me and my heart also disagress with my mind and body. I know the mind is a powerful so Idk if I'm just ******* with myself and are slowly convincing myself of something that's not true or if I'm truly bi. I feel like experimentation will help but at the sake time I don't want to do it. I don't have the motivation and the first time made me so uncomfortable. I tried downloading this stupid grindr app and trying to get myself to do it. But it scared me so much. My stomach dropped. I couldn't breath and I almost fainted. This has practically ruined the last 6 months of my life. My grades dropped. My relationship with the girl I want to marry went downhill and it put me into a state of suicide at times. I just want to be happy and confident with myself again and get ky life started. I apologize for such a long passage but short and simple doesn't work for me. There's more. But heres the jist of it. Thank you for any support I do get or advice if I get any.
Best Answer
1699033 tn?1514113133
I am actually on my way out the door at the moment.  There are a ton of posts on this forum regarding HOCD.  Why don't you give the forum a run through and if you have any additional questions then append them here.  
9 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
Avatar universal
If you didn't get sexually aroused by your friend and you were or still are in a relationship with a girl, you're probably just straight with HOCD. My HOCD is the other way around. Deep in my heart I know I'm Bi but my brain attempts to convince me that I'm not.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Believe me I had all that bsck then just stoo checking and testing yourself I had the curiosity thing and Just did it feel like when I did it with a man ? Actually no it wasnt my desire it was just plain curiosity (: xx also in that age i think its called Become or not Age so the thought that you forgot about it ment it never was something more than learning new stuff And yeah our hocd syptoms are a lot like distract yourself please PLEASE as much as you can even if an intrusive thought jumps in reply as idk and let the panicing go away also id like to say there is a inative place in our brains or not completely inactive it may be weakly active in case we had ocd which obsessive compulsive disorder it becomes extremely active and explains everything against what it really is and based on what you ar feared of please talk to a therapist befor it gets worse
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
Good comment.
1699033 tn?1514113133
Okay...sorry for the delay.  This is a volunteer site and I couldn't get on last night.  Anyway, this is how I look at the whole gay/straight situation.  I think it is genetic.  I think you are born gay or you are not.  I don't believe that we wake up one day and are gay.  I think that people that are truly gay know it and yes perhaps they might try the straight life for a while I think deep down they know it isn't for them.  This isn't something we control.  

OCD is all about control.  We think the thought and we want to get rid of it so we test and we test and what this really does is keep us in the OCD loop.  What we need to do really is to say "whatever, move on."  The more we give into the thought the more it is going to plague us like a bad dream.  

There are some people that do take the next step and try to get closure by experimenting.  Some go as far as having sex just to see.  I'm not sure how far you went beyond kissing but the bottom line is you didn't like it.  You don't see yourself with a man for the rest of your life.  If you said out loud right now, "I'm Gay" would you feel liberated and want to run out and be with a man?  If not, then how on earth could you be gay?  

So if this is indeed the case and you feel that men are not for you then yes you do have HOCD and the best way to get help for it is to see a psychologist.  Our minds are very, very powerful.  I just posted to someone about this....we talk to ourselves, we say black and our mind says white.  We say straight and our mind says gay.  It is a mind game we play on ourselves.  And you would think it would be easy to stop but the reality is that without the proper tools it is hard to stop this line of thinking.  YOu need to learn cognitive behavioral therapy from a psychologist.  That is step one.  After that you can decide with your psychologist if medication is warranted.  

And just so you know.  I had this thought before.  It didn't last long because I was on the OCD superhighway of irrational thinking and was going from thought to thought AND at the time I had it I was married!  

Go to the psychologist.  Talk about all of this and let them help you sort through it.  I think you will find the answers you are looking for without experimenting which if you are not gay could open up a whole new can of worms.  

Take care.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
And sometimes I have like this weird urge to give oral. But it goes away. And then comes back. And I tell myself but I want it. But in the end I really don't and whenever think of anything like that. Once I masturbate all the urges are gone. it disgusts me. So Idk if I'm just hormonal or if its just natural and it happens to everyone at some point. But I can picture myself in a relationship with a man and I don't want to be. I want tomarry a woman.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
What do you think of my situation ?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I have already, but if i could see comments from other people and have them voice their opinion as well that would be great! and if you could reply as soon as possible that would also be fantastic. Thank you!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Im only 18 years old and I feel like this is maybe just a sexual identity crisis. someone please help
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Also I've never had feelings for a guy and I don't get that butterfly feeling in my stomach and etc or have the emotional draw and attraction that I was reading about and saw videos on. Idk if this is also just a hormonal stage or a phase. It's just affected my life as a whole. and I need help. I tried therapy. But I didn't go often enough so it didn't help. and sometimes i use the word cute instead of handsome, hot rarely. but idk if that changes anything. thank you
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community

Top Personality Disorder Answerers
1699033 tn?1514113133
Somewhere in, MD
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.
PrEP is used by people with high risk to prevent HIV infection.