hocd or gay denial?

[j958]

i know this question has been asked a lot in which i have some similarities with some of the stories, but i need help with my personal situation.

right, so i am a 21 year old male, ever since i was young, i have only ever been interested and aroused by girls. i only had once incident with another guy during my school years and that was when i was drunk at a party playing spin the bottle and all we done was kissed. but i was too young to understand being gay and didn't think much of it after it happened. i have had a couple of girlfriends and have been very emotionally attached and sexually attracted to them and i lost my virginity when i was 18. i have always enjoyed sex with women and couldn't get enough of it and was very comfortable with my sexuality.

now to the story. about 4 months ago i went on a lads holiday and as you do i got very drunk, one night in particular. there was a gay couple that stayed in the room next door to us and would go out with us some nights. after one night we walked everyone back to their rooms and it was me and the gay guy left, he showed a lot of interest in me and in the state i was in we ended up kissing and then he gave me oral. the next morning i couldn't remember much of the night before, but the one thing i  could remember was what happened that night. i felt ashamed of myself and i felt like just killing myself, i was so upset, but from this point things went from bad to worse.

- i lost my attraction to women
- i felt like i had to kiss every guy i saw
- questioning my sexuality
- suicidal thoughts
- depression
- anxiety and panic attacks

so for the past 4 month i have been to the doctors and getting in touch with some therapists and i am on anti depressants and anti anxiety pills. over time i have got used to these thoughts and feelings so i dont notice them as much which makes me question myself even more like 'since they are gone does that mean i have completely turned gay?' i have also been checking alot with gay pron and i get erections from it which makes me worry a lot i also check in public seeing if im attracted to any guys i see and i never get an erection from that. i have a girlfriend and this constant questioning is ruining our relationship. if im gay i just want to know so i can deal with it but i hope to god that im not though.

if you have any sort of answer for me that would be very appreciated or if you need any more information just ask

thanks

[j958]

thanks for the reply

its just some/most days it feels so real and it seems like i have more attraction to men than women, but i know i dont want to be with another man, it just feels like i have to.

during my childhood i was only ever interested in women and would never look twice at another bloke. it just happened all of a sudden after that one incident that turned my world upside down.

do you know what the difference between hocd and being in denial is?

thanks

[JGF25]

Hi there..sorry for the delay.  I'm not a doctor and so I can't diagnose people on the forum but I will say that in my opinion whether we are gay, hetero or bi is a genetic thing.  I have had HOCD and there are a few people on the forum who have had HOCD and done experimentation....I'm not one of those people.  But what I see as a common theme is that even though they experimented, they still cannot see themselves being with the same sex.  It just seems to not feel right for them and it looks like that is the same case for you.  

The medications you are taking....what they do is help regulate the amount of serotonin we have in our brains. Here is a direct quote for what serotonin does in the brain and the link

http://www.webmd.com/depression/features/serotonin

"As a neurotransmitter, serotonin helps to relay messages from one area of the brain to another. Because of the widespread distribution of its cells, it is believed to influence a variety of psychological and other body functions. Of the approximately 40 million brain cells, most are influenced either directly or indirectly by serotonin. This includes brain cells related to mood, sexual desire and function, appetite, sleep, memory and learning, temperature regulation, and some social behavior."

So you see a decreased serotonin level can really effect us in profound ways.  The medication is helping balance you out and therefore you are able to let things go now.  That is why you don't notice the thoughts and feelings much anymore and that is a good thing.  Just because you don't think about it doesn't mean that you are gay.  It just means that it is a non-issue for you.  

Trust me, if you were gay or bi, I believe that you would know it and accept it.  You wouldn't be fighting so hard to get rid of the thoughts.  Continue with your therapy and I'm sure you will be just fine.  

Take care.