hocd or lesbian?

My question is this: do i have hocd or am i lesbian? I've loved guys all my life, and have never been emotionally, romanticaly, physcially, or pschycologicaly attracted to women. I can remeber having crushes on boys from a very young age (about 4 or 5), and up to my present age of 16. I wasn't a tomboy and I didn't like sports much, or dress like a boy. Sadly i was molested at a young age by an older boy when i was about 4. After that i became very interested in sex. At about age 8 me and a female friend layed on top of each other and found it "nice", but i think it wasn't because we were both girls. We went no further then that( no kissing, hugging, feeling, just laying there. I didnt discover pornography until about age 9 or 10, and that was strictly straight. One day though i stumbled upon lesbian porn and was very aroused by it. I felt guilty about it after, but continued to watch it for years until about 9 months ago. During that time i was still watching straight porn which aroused me also. Ironically during the time i watched lesbian porn i never once questioned my love for boys. I would think "how is this gonna work out with my husband?" Unfortunatley when i watched lesbian porn I'd want to try it with a women, but as soon as i stopped watching these feelings would leave and guilt and sadness would take its place. Since i can remeber (ages 4-16) i've always had crushes on boys, found them attractive, and in my later years wanted to have intercourse with them. About a year ago though, i was contemplating what gift to give to one of my female friends, and the horrible thought "Am i lesbian because of this?" entered my head. Since that day i haven't been able to get the thought out of my head. I would have shortness of breath, stomach aches, a pounding heart, and wake up in the middle of the night all because of this thought in my head. Every second of evryday i grill myself to see if im lesbian. I have good days when i think "im definetly not a lesbian", and very bad days (like today) when i think i like girls. The thought never leaves my head and it constantly tortures me. I've been to 3 psychologists many times already and they've said that from what they heard from me they think im straight. That relieved me for alittle while, but then i'd have to check the symptoms of hocd and homosexuality to see if mine had changed. they always match the hocd category, but im so afraid that ill turn out to be a lesbian one day. It would devestate me, my mom, and my God. I would probably kill myself or remain abstinent all my life if i turned out to be one. It's funny though because even through my whole ordeal, i still like boys. I'm still trying to get over this guy that i just broke up with (strange huh?). Everytime i see a girl im never interested in a romantic relationship. I'll think "Oh, i love her dress," "what is she wearing?!", "She's pretty and im jealous", "i want pretty skin like her", "she's really confident and cool, and i want to be like her, and for her to accept me and be my friend" or "she looks like shed be a great friend". Sometimes i think that im giving off signs to people like by what i say or how i sit that im a lesbian. I still doubt my sexual orientation evryday, but the physcial sypmtoms have dissapeared, thank the Lord God. Lesbian pornography still arouses me as well as straight porn, but i'd much rather be with a man then a women. There's just something not right about lesbian relationships. I remeber thinking (before these thoughts) "how could two women evr fall in love? its impossible, and i would never do it." When i told my mom this s he laughed and said "You're not a lesbian. You're my child and i wouldve noticed a long time ago if you were one. You've showed no signs of that lifestyle." I agree with her but i still worry everyday that i might oneday turn into a lesbian, and it makes me want to scream and cry. I check my responses to females everyday to see if theyre lesbian or not. Ialso worry that I'll never fall in love with a man and only have crushes for life and eventually turn to girls. So what do you think? please comment soon because im very scared and desperate to be cured.

[JGF25]

HOCD is very common actually.  The obsessive thoughts that stay with us are usually the ones that bother us the most.  Just taking a quote from what you wrote that being a lesbian "would devestate me, my mom, and my God." No wonder you cannot get this out of your head.  This has put you under a lot of stress and no doubt has caused anxiety symptoms and perhaps a bit of depression.  

As a child you were the victim of abuse.  This is not a trivial thing.  It has undoubtedly left a mark on you.  Then you experimented with a girl, ever so slightly, at a very young age followed by looking at both gay and straight porn.  You have spent the better part of your life wondering "what-if."  This is not living.  

You mentioned that you saw 3 separate psychologists who all insisted that you were straight.  Did any of them take the time to treat you with cognitive behavioral therapy?  Teaching you ways to combat the "shortness of breath, stomach aches, a pounding heart, that wake up in the middle of the night all because of this thought"?  If not, then you need to find someone who will actually listen to you and treat your symptoms. Do not give up!  This is as I said very common, and you need to find the right person to treat you.  The medication avenue is also open.  You would need to see a psychiatrist for this however I would start with a NEW psychologist.  Look for one that does CBT and discuss all the options available to you which may or may not include medication.  There are many medications out there that do wonders for people suffering from OCD.  

In any event, from reading your posts, I too agree that you are suffering from HOCD.  Remember, I am not an expert, just going by what you are saying.  I know it is easy for other to just say "stop thinking about it."  It just doesn't work that way.  If it did, there would be no need for these forums.  So rest assured, that your life is not going to be turned upside down.  You are straight and just need some professional help to get over this hurdle.

Let us know how you are doing.  

[help220]

thank you for the great advice! i've recieved some relief from your post but due to my current condition that'll only last for about an hour or so. I'd also like to thank you for your understanding when you said "I know it's easy for others to stay just stop thinking about it, but that's way easier said then done." I'd like to take medicine, but my mom already has alot to pay for as it is. Also i hate going to psychiatrists because it's so depressing. I almost always cry at my sessions. And I'm absolutely terrified of the idea of cognitive behavioral therapy because that might turn me into a lesbian (sorry if that doesn't make sense)! Reading my bible and praying helps, and I feel a tiny bit better everyday. My physical syptoms (symptoms) are all gone, I've stopped taking melatonin to help me sleep so something's working! :)

[JGF25]

I'm so glad to hear you are better.  These types of thoughts actually become a habit and like any habit it can be broken; it just takes some time and effort.  

There are some things you can do to help yourself through the rough times.  One is a simple breathing exercise.  In through the nose, hold for 5 second and count in your head and then all the way out through your mouth.  Do this several times until your heart beat comes back down.  

Self-motivate yourself...when the thought starts, try to stop it before it gets farther...just say STOP in your head and picture a Stop sign or yourself pulling a handle backward as if you were stopping something.  Do this as often as is necessary.  

Replace negative thoughts with positive ones.  A journal is good for this.  Write the negative thought and then write a positive one that is optimistic to replace it.  Your positive notes will be ones that are facts...not the fictions that make up the negative thoughts.  

Take care.