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hocd

Hello everyone, up until now i have never questioned my sexuality, im 29 years old and have had a few girlfriends, and female sexual partners over the years. I normally masterbate (more than i should to images of women etc etc). However on a night out recently, the brother of a friend of mine came on to me and was rubbing my leg and grabbing my belt etc, and what to come back to my house. I refused his advanaces and said i wsnt gay, and wnet home. The next day, al be it a bit hungover i didnt give it a second thought and went to work, and checked out girls etc. But then it hit me, i was like does this guy think i was gay and was i giving of some gay vibes etc??!! That led me to think that my family and friends would disown me if i was gay, and my life would be over. Since this i have lost sleep, lost my appetite, my sex drive has gone and i feel depressed and have suicidal thoughts. I find myself constantly questioning my sexuality, looking and guys on the street and on tv and wondering if i am attracted to them and seeing if i have any homosexual thoughts about them. It is honestly runing my life and i cant go on like this. I have a gay brother who is quite happy in is sexuality and in a relationship, so i have always been tolernate of homosexual's, and have a few friends who are gay. The thought of being gay really upsets me and i find myself looking at homosexual images to see if i get aroused, i would honestly rather be dead that gay. I am so exhauseted of it all i dont smile and have trouble getting out of bed and on edge all the time, its only been a few days and i am in a real state. I want to have kids and a wife and a lovely home etc, but being as insecure as i am and my history of being a worrier and over analysing things to much. Can anybody offer words of advise or encouragment ?
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Avatar_m_tn
I forgot to add that its almost like my brain testing me in some way, it is in my mind all the time. It has become and obsession with me now, its like watsh gay porn and see if it aouses you and stuff like that, it is so irrational and i know you cant just turn gay just in the course of an afternoon it is something you discover about yourself over time, i kissed a girl in the club before i left the club and was approached by this guy !! Sorry, just wanted everyone to have the full story.
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Avatar_n_tn
It's torture man!  Not sure what more to say.  I'm in my early 30's happily married and boom this hit me!  Couple crazy images popped into my head and it's been downhill since!  I read an artile by Dr. Phillipson on groinal response and now I feel as if my junk moves at thr slightest sign.  Talk about paranoia!  I shouldn't have read that article!  I'm just now waiting to see a dr. and praying he could pull me out of this!  I love beautiful women and my wife but this thing puts more and more doubt and fear into with each passing day!  Best friends, men of all ages I'm afraid to look at out of a jolt of ananxiety and fear of bad thoughts.  These are people I've been around all the time!  It's killing me as it is you!  I know it's not me thinking thi stuff but that doesn't help.  No offense to gay people cause there are many nice ones but I would rather not be around then to after 30 years turn gay!
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Avatar_m_tn
Its weird becasue up until that point i was really angry and hurt that my ex girl friend had found a new partner and it made me really upset and so i went out on that saturday to try and forget about it, even that night was chatting up girls and looking for girls to talk to. Even the saturday before i spent a big chunk of the night trying to get a girl in bed. All of a sudden this happens and im in a right mess. The problem is im tired and stressed and anxious and its like my brain is telling me to be gay when i know im not !!
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