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hocd

Hello everyone, up until now i have never questioned my sexuality, im 29 years old and have had a few girlfriends, and female sexual partners over the years. I normally masterbate (more than i should to images of women etc etc). However on a night out recently, the brother of a friend of mine came on to me and was rubbing my leg and grabbing my belt etc, and what to come back to my house. I refused his advanaces and said i wsnt gay, and wnet home. The next day, al be it a bit hungover i didnt give it a second thought and went to work, and checked out girls etc. But then it hit me, i was like does this guy think i was gay and was i giving of some gay vibes etc??!! That led me to think that my family and friends would disown me if i was gay, and my life would be over. Since this i have lost sleep, lost my appetite, my sex drive has gone and i feel depressed and have suicidal thoughts. I find myself constantly questioning my sexuality, looking and guys on the street and on tv and wondering if i am attracted to them and seeing if i have any homosexual thoughts about them. It is honestly runing my life and i cant go on like this. I have a gay brother who is quite happy in is sexuality and in a relationship, so i have always been tolernate of homosexual's, and have a few friends who are gay. The thought of being gay really upsets me and i find myself looking at homosexual images to see if i get aroused, i would honestly rather be dead that gay. I am so exhauseted of it all i dont smile and have trouble getting out of bed and on edge all the time, its only been a few days and i am in a real state. I want to have kids and a wife and a lovely home etc, but being as insecure as i am and my history of being a worrier and over analysing things to much. Can anybody offer words of advise or encouragment ?
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Avatar m tn
I forgot to add that its almost like my brain testing me in some way, it is in my mind all the time. It has become and obsession with me now, its like watsh gay porn and see if it aouses you and stuff like that, it is so irrational and i know you cant just turn gay just in the course of an afternoon it is something you discover about yourself over time, i kissed a girl in the club before i left the club and was approached by this guy !! Sorry, just wanted everyone to have the full story.
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Avatar n tn
It's torture man!  Not sure what more to say.  I'm in my early 30's happily married and boom this hit me!  Couple crazy images popped into my head and it's been downhill since!  I read an artile by Dr. Phillipson on groinal response and now I feel as if my junk moves at thr slightest sign.  Talk about paranoia!  I shouldn't have read that article!  I'm just now waiting to see a dr. and praying he could pull me out of this!  I love beautiful women and my wife but this thing puts more and more doubt and fear into with each passing day!  Best friends, men of all ages I'm afraid to look at out of a jolt of ananxiety and fear of bad thoughts.  These are people I've been around all the time!  It's killing me as it is you!  I know it's not me thinking thi stuff but that doesn't help.  No offense to gay people cause there are many nice ones but I would rather not be around then to after 30 years turn gay!
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Avatar m tn
Its weird becasue up until that point i was really angry and hurt that my ex girl friend had found a new partner and it made me really upset and so i went out on that saturday to try and forget about it, even that night was chatting up girls and looking for girls to talk to. Even the saturday before i spent a big chunk of the night trying to get a girl in bed. All of a sudden this happens and im in a right mess. The problem is im tired and stressed and anxious and its like my brain is telling me to be gay when i know im not !!
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Avatar f tn
I'm sorry to hear you're stressing over this too.
I was hoping you could help reach out to me in a time of need. I needs someone to help me undertanad myself and hear from someone going through the same thing I am.
Here's my whole issue. Its kinda messy so bare with me please.
I'm 17 years old . I've been going through the same thing since I was 8.I've been on and off , and sometimes they get really bad and I often say to myself if I am really a lesbian then I don't want to exsist. Its sick I get to this point but I can't help it. I feel like its the end of the world when I feel this way. I don't want to deal with his anymore.it haunts me.  
And for me also , it comes up when I'm most stressed . as a kid I don't think I've had any traumatic experience leading to this. All I could think of is my father went to war for two years and I hadn't been able to see him and my mother was strong throughout it but as expected a little unstable. She never cheated or went off the rails . she was just very upset...but you see I don't remember most of it idky. I may have blocked it out ? She is  the person I vent to. Every year at least once or twice . I feel she was at first a slight bit concerned but she always reassures me of the fact that its just hocd. I'm very close to her  we talk about they guys im intrested in all the time..and you would think just saying that im attracted to guys would explain that i am indeed attracted to guys and not lesbian but my mind refuses to agree and the thoughts fester. I live in a house of 5 girls and my father. Being surrounded by girls makes me uncomfortable in times like this.  
Growing up I was literally afraid of getting sick. To me it was the worst thing ever, I would cry and actually isolate myself from anyone and anything that could get me sick. Also I have these nervous ticks that I get for my anxiety peaks. For example like making noises to satisfy a urged feeling in my throat, or twitching my neck etc..  
Now I get upset when I eat food. I know I'm not overweight and I was always happy with my body but recently I don't want to eat at all fearing to gain a single pound. Then the hunger will control me and I will binge eat everything at once , feel guilty and start the cycle over again. I have that and this hocd right now and its mentally destroying me. 
I just need to know there's a light at the end of this tunnel.  
Boys have excited me in my life for as long a s I could remember (not sexually until a year or two ago. But even just the simple crushes I've had excited me and kept me crushing on more guys.) Its like I'm battling myself. I don't want to be gay . I don't want to find out I'm in denial  And when there's the slightest chance I can be I cry to the point of where I cannot breath and don't want to get out of bed . 
For a while I could block it out and it seems so stupid that I could ever think this way (when im enjoying a guy or in a relationship.) And that I'm obviously not lesbian but then it comes crawling back to me.  
I was happily in a hetero relationship and having sex and feeling good but then we broke up and it came back worse than ever.  
Which is right now.its been a few months since my boyfriend and I split. And I've accepted it and pretty much moved on.  
Now the anxiety and thought are rushing in and its like when I have nothing to stress over, or also on the other side of the spectrum, when i have so many things im stressing about is when it comes back strongest. I know I'm kind of rambling without any structure in what I'm saying... Its just I need help and I cannot stop thinking about it. Its controlling my life and my happiness . its been 9 years . I cannot handle this .if you could help me that would be the kindest thing a person has ever done for me. 
I know I didn't cover everything but it would be a really long post if I did. I just need help and recommendation.
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