i always think im dying?

Hi

Im a 16 year old girl and recently I have been freaking out about getting HIV. I have never had sex before, dont inject myself and my parents are healthy. I kissed this guy quite some time ago and even though doctors in the other forum says its no risk I still cant stop thinking about it and I keep asking myself what if questions. I think Im going mad and its driving me insane! I havent been able to focus with school or anything and I just keep thinking I'm going to die. When my friends talk about their futures I find myself asking and doubting that I'll even live until then. I also have times when I seriously can't cope and would just start crying...

I understand that this sounds irrational and stupid but Im glad that I've found a place to talk about this where people won't laugh at me...

I think i also suffer from OCD ever since I was little actually when I always thought I had cancer and then more fears of cancer at other parts of my body after that but I have been alright for a while until now, although my OCD has never really disappeared because I still have to do those "rituals" everyday and it makes me feel like a retard like counting steps, avoiding numbers, colours, touching everything 5 times and other crazy stuff like that

I dont know what I should do and what I'm suffering from so I'd like some advice
Does this sound like a mental disorder to you? or do people always worry about HIV like I do?
Do you think I have a serious problem? What can I do to feel better? because I really can't live like this anymore

Thanks in advance for your help
I really appreciate it

[PurellGirl]

What you are experiencing is a classic OCD symptom. (But we around here would appreciate it if you would refrain from using the word "retard" as it's offensive. Thanks!)

I, like you, worry about diseases such as HIV, and although it *****, the only way you'll be able to get better is to get out there and look for help. Are you able to talk to a therapist at all?

With OCD, it only grows stronger, not weaker, if you don't seek help.

We are also available for you to talk to on here if you are feeling overwhelmed or just need someone to vent to. :)

[PurellGirl]

What you are experiencing is a classic OCD symptom. (But we around here would appreciate it if you would refrain from using the word "retard" as it's offensive. Thanks!)

I, like you, worry about diseases such as HIV, and although it *****, the only way you'll be able to get better is to get out there and look for help. Are you able to talk to a therapist at all?

With OCD, it only grows stronger, not weaker, if you don't seek help.

We are also available for you to talk to on here if you are feeling overwhelmed or just need someone to vent to. :)

[iamgoingmad]

I'm very sorry, didnt mean to offend anyone. I don't really talk to others about this so my parents don't know about it either so I don't have a therapist to talk to. Do you think I should talk to my parents about it? I don't think they will take me seriously though... so does this mean that I am worrying too much of HIV and that there is really no reason for me to worry about it but it's just in my head?
Thank you very much for your help

[PurellGirl]

I hid it from my parents for awhile until it became too hard to. They have been supportive of me. You have to realize that your parents may not understand what you are going through, but you are their child and they only want to make things better for you. I encourage you to talk to them about it.

And, yes, the OCD is causing excessive worrying about the  HIV.

[iamgoingmad]

I'll try to talk to them about it, also what makes OCD worse at times? because somedays I feel alright while somedays like today I'm not doing very good... I'd like to learn how to control it better? Thanks for all your help, I appreciate it

[PurellGirl]

It varies from person to person on what can cause the OCD to worsen. Sorry I can't be more help than that.

[iamgoingmad]

Thanks for all your time, I hope I'm not bothering you, please tell me if I am, it's just nice to have someone to talk to who understands what I'm going through. I spoke to my sister about this the other day and she basically laughed at me and said I was crazy. I still don't know how to tell my parents about this, still working up the courage. I think my OCD may be getting worse because now I've basically convinced myself that I'm going to have no future and I'm going to die soon so I might as well stop all my music lessons, etc so I don't waste my parents money. I keep asking myself what if questions so please reassure me that people cant get HIV from kissing, but even then I get ideas like what if people injected me when I didn't know? I havent really been able to sleep for the last few days, so does OCD affect sleep? sometimes for about 5sec I snap out of it and tell myself that my thoughts are irrational but straight after I start all over again, just cant help it, but talking to you has made me feel a little better knowing that there are others like me so thank you.

[PurellGirl]

You are not bothering me at all! :)

Don't let your sister laughing at what you told her prevent you from talking to your parents about this. People without OCD don't understand how hard it can be to deal with the disorder. They aren't going to understand right away.

Again, I would recommend heading on over to the HIV forum on here and let the people on there answer your questions about HIV. They know what they are talking about, and I bet that they could make you feel alot better about your fears than I could because it always helps me when I get reassurance from someone who is more knowledgeable about a subject. :)

[Enigmatictech]

I also worry about contracting HIV from getting blood drawn at the doctor with a dirty needle that was intentionally infected with HIV by the aliens (aliens=doctors or cia or some other strange cult) the only reason I can think that they would want to do this to me is to study me as I have strange mental powers and I am able to eventually overcome or cure the disease with my mental or supernatural powers. I constantly carry hand sanitizer with me like it is holy water and I am walking among vampires. I wash my hands so often that they dry out and actually crack open and bleed on my knuckles, especially in cold weather. If someone can help me in any way to relieve any of my symptoms of OCD or even suggest a good cream that isnt greasy or flowery smelling to help my poor hands, please message me or reply to this post.

[iamgoingmad]

I'm sorry that I cant be much help since I'm new at all this, I think the only thing you should do is to mostly use hand sanitizer during the winter to cut down on the dryness. As with the OCD symptoms, im struggling with that myself

[PurellGirl]

Actually, the alcohol in hand sanitizer also dries out your hands. If you must wash your hands a lot/use hand sanitizer frequently, you should also try to moisturize your hands with lotion as much as you can.

[Emilypemily]

I am the excact same way as you. I have been fearing HIV since i was in 8th grade before i ever became sexually active and have gotten to a point where i sometimes can't sleep at night.I told my mom once and she just laughed at me. I can convince myself i am dying of anything and pretty much have. I have a constant fear of dying and have actually contemplating pushing all others out of my life so that they don't get hurt.

[FightagainstOCD]

I am the same way and I worry about HIV all the time. I am so scared that my daily activity such as walking, reading,sitting, playing has become so difficult.

I am under medication and hoping to see a counsellor soon. Have you seen a doctor or considered counselling. Please do so. I hope we all will get better