i keep reviewing a ritual I had years ago.

[chelle_1]

My obsession started with what I considered a bad thought, about my mom, my compulsion had been to confess, since I found this nausiating, I changed  the cumpulsion to having the thought  last for a long enough duration.  then I had an obbsessive thought that now ive ruined the period of time I have to have the obsession  in my mind in order to. cancel it out. The thought to have it for 4 years, then became a fear of omg i have ruined the next 4 years, so now I hacve to undo both thoughts.

    What i do now is review, because I dont understand how a neutralization to cancel out, then became an obsession.I keep tryin. to mentally  solve it .  i know that i am doing a compulsion trying to solve the riddle of my thoughtts way back then, but its always there anyway. help.

[doctora]

Hi, Im back.
Well I made it in once piece. The car didnt break down, everything I was in panic mode about is over. I spent a day packing for a weekend, making sure I had everything, especially my meds..going over and over and over my list. My back and neck are killing me. It is a 4 hr drive there and another 4 hrs back, so we only had one day to relax. We did see a bad car accident, and that freaked me out for a while, but rather than nag the hubby about his driving because I saw the accident, I bit my tongue.
I also bit my tongue/ignored the "B" woman. She came over the day we arrived, and yes she did make what I would consider a rude comment, but on the other hand, she has gained at least 80lbs since I saw her last, which puts her way over 200lbs., so that made me feel better in an evil way, but it made me feel better while I was there about my weight gain.
The weather was great, and I went on a walk on Sunday, no one else wanted to go, they were all too tired. So I went and took some pictures of some historic bldgs, including a really old church and cemetary. Some of the headstones were as far back as when the "white" people took over the town from the Indians, others were people that died during the plague, it was really interesting.
I never walk alone, so it was out of character, but they live in the country, so I wasnt worried. The walk actually helped me clear my head and took me away from my troubles for a while, because soon enough I was going through the house making sure I didnt forget anything, again, same as when we left...LOL
How was your weekend?  How are you doing?
Cheers.

[doctora]

This woman is just a "B". I saw her last time I visited my in-laws, just after a suicide attempt, and the scares on my wrists were just scabbing. I had just gotten to my mother in-laws, and she shows up. She looks at me and my arms and points to the scares and says "whats that?" when she knew friggin well what happened. I had an issue with her 20 yrs ago too, that I will not forget. Its stupid, but at a party I was walking past her with my husband, and she acused me of having breast implants, I didnt even know her. My husband said what was that all about, and to this day, I dont know, she is just a "B". I do plan on avoiding her, but she is best friends with my mother in-law, so I am bound to see her. I am going to try my best to ignore her in general.
I do understand, I personally seem to keep repeating the same mistakes I have made over and over, and then think about them over and over, and like you said it takes up to much of my life, so I am trying to stop it, but its not easy. I take Seroquel in the morning 200mg then 100 mg at lunch and my dr just bumped me up to 400mg at night, so I could cut back on the Clonazapam, cause I was taking 6-7 of them a night plus the Seroquel to get to sleep, which is way too much, oh and also a Fiorinal because it seems that I wake up every morning with a headache (prob from subconcious thinking).
I live in Mississauga Ontario (Canada), we just moved here 3 mths ago. I used to live in another part of Ontario, but I have been trying to get government disability for a year now, and going through that we lost our home and had to declare bankruptcy, so we were forced to move into a condo that we rent..its nice, but we had to give up a lot, including our dog, the whole moving thing shook me up pretty bad. Im still trying to get use to it, but I dont leave the apt much unless I have too.
Hugs again to you - doctora

[chelle_1]

Hi, What about this woman bothers you? If you do see her try to avoid, even though we're not supposed to avoid, I dont think we're supposed to put ourselves in negative situations.
    Ive never heard of the book, but Ive read all the other ones.clon azapam is the only thing that calmes my mind to. In fact I have to take one when I wake up, so all the thoughts dont start, and then if they do they fade kind of. If you dont mind i want to go back to the ritual thing. It was many years ago, before anyone knew what ocd was.  I did know about obsessions, so when I had a mental compulsion,  i thought it was an obsession. so my ritual to keep it in my mind for 4 years which is insane  i thought was another obsession, so not knowing how to treat anything, i treated wrong. I quess i just want someome to understand which you said you did.  Where do you live? hugs back again chelley

[doctora]

You must have been having an "episode" when you wrote it, funny thing is, I understood it!LOL

I dont have a time limit or ritual because truthfully, my brain is constantly going on "issues", the only thing that stops my mind, especially at night is the clonazapam.

I am also trying to find a book that is suppose to be really good called "An Uneasy Mind", but I have been unsucessful so far.

I have an issue right now that has been on my mind 2 wks. I just keep telling myself it is my mind playing games with me, but I will be seeing someone I do not like one bit, in the next few days.

She is a friend of my mother in-laws, so she lives out of town, but we are going to see the in-laws this weekend, and guaranteed I will see her..I dont know how I will react - I know how I would like to react, but that is not a nice reaction.

Hugs back.

[chelle_1]

I just read back what I wrote the first time, I dont think Albert Einstein could figure it out lol

[chelle_1]

Hi ,  I know, i try to be so exact and detailed , that I think I really confuse people.My family also tells me to live in the present, and I tell them, theres theres tic, or hicup that intrudes and I dont have control over it.  I am much better than i used to be, but I still can get trigured. I had ocd, back when they didnt know what it was and I was in a paralyzing state of anxiety all the time. 24/7.   I am taking prozac 40mg.  Ive been on prozac for 20 years, about 6 mths ago I added a low dose of effexor, and that combo has been terific, as good as it can get anyway.  I also take klonopin as needed, like between 2 and 3 mg. a day.  sometimes only 1 since the effexor.   Did you have rituals that involved  how long to have a thought? what confuses me is that, that overlapped into an obbsession about ruining that amount of time. anyway. I know the answer is to not try to figure it out, but when the chemicals are arry It feels like I have to, I also distract, and do something pleasant, atleast I give it a good shot.   hugs chelle_1   chelley

[doctora]

I have had the same problem, I think it is just the way you posted your statement that made it confusing.
I have had many bad thoughts, some of which I have acted out on. I have had many bad things that have happened to me that I cannot stop thinking about even though I was a child and now I am a woman.
I wonder who, what, when, where, how and why...and have done so for years, and of course there is no answer.
My friends tell me to live in the present, and forget about the past, so this is what I am trying to do, but like you I have wasted a lot of time and sleepless nights questioning my thoughts and actions, as well as other peoples actions which I cant control.
I am in the process of trying not to think about these things, and as soon as I start I immediately do something, to get my brain onto another subject that is more pleasant.
Medication has also helped.
Are you taking any meds for this?

[chelle_1]

I quess noone else has had anything like this, and I am unique.  rather than a freak.     chelle_1