Hi there, I am in therapy for anxiety, and I am gay/bottom so I've been in relationships where I was the receptive partner. I have always used protection and get tested regularly. I've been single for most of this year after an long term relationship and I did have sex about a month ago with someone I didnt know very well. He of course says he's hiv negative etc...but I always assume everyone has it. So we had protected intercourse and he didnt even "finish" inside me. We did that for a while and then finished off just masturbating. But ever since I was with him, I have felt obsessed again that I may have contracted hiv.... I will be getting tested again in a few weeks. But nothing we did was considered high risk....and the condom didnt break and he didnt even ejaculate in me with the condom. Ironically enough I am now dating a Dr. who knows all about hiv and says it's so easy for "bottoms" to get.. He hasn't put my mind at ease at all.....even with protection he say's it risky. So...I think I am 'checkng" myself all the time now for symptoms....looking forward to taking a test in a few weeks for the initial hiv screening, then another after 3 months....I feel like a prisoner to my sexuality and fear of hiv infection......can anyone relate?
The key here is that you didn't have unprotected sexual intercourse (in any form) with an HIV positive person.
How long have you been in therapy? Using the term "prisoner" makes me believe that you think of this and little else. I take it your Dr. friend doesn't want to have sexual relations with you because of this encounter and that is why you are a prisoner...having to test and retest at 3 months to be sure?
I think that HIV is more prevalent in the gay community but the statistics I read are in the 20% range. So that leaves 80% who are HIV negative. The odds are in your favor here if that helps at all.
Whenever the thought pops into your head "I know I'm positive" you need to replace it with a positive thought. "I was in a no-risk situation." It doesn't matter that "bottoms" may be the easiest way to get it in the gay male pouplation...the fact is you didn't do anything risky. If anything, you are doing all the right things. You care enough to get tested.
If you have trouble calming down, try this breathing technique. Take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it for 5 seconds and count this out in your head, then let it all out through your mouth. You can do this in any position (I have to do it in the car sometimes) but if you can, lay down and do this breathing with your hands on your stomach so you can feel the rise and fall of it with each breath. This gets my heartrate back down to a more normal rate so that I can then think more rationally.
Thank you JGF for your kind reply. I am trying the breathing exercises. Amazing, they really do help. Sometimes when I"m anxious I am not breathing!! It really does make a difference to slow the racing mind down and help me to get ahold of the irriational thoughts and fears.
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