so many doubts

Hello all,

I have struggled with depression for a long time (since teenage years- I am 25 now) but in the last year or two I have succumbed to many intrusive thoughts, which I had not experienced before.

This is much worse than the depression. I have had a lot of horrible thoughts, but the ones that upset me the most are that 1) Maybe I hit a pedestrian with a car but I didn't realize it our blanked it out of my memory and 2) That I have somehow contracted HIV from day-to-day activities. On the worst days, I spend anywhere from 4-6 cumulative hours trying to make these thoughts go away by making lists of my activities, researching the internet, prayer and a lot of other "mental" rituals, i.e. my compulsions are not very obvious to other people.

I am just wondering if these are familiar themes to OCD sufferers. My therapist says it all sounds like OCD but the thoughts feel SO real sometimes. I often wonder if I know deep down that I have really committed some terrible act and I am just covering up my guilt by calling it OCD, even though I don't remember any of these supposed acts.

Hoping someone else can relate.

[JGF25]

Hi Nathan and welcome to the OCD forum.  

I agree with your therapist, these intrusive thoughts do sound like OCD.  I hear you about the mental rituals so it does sound like you have learned some CBT but it really isn't working if you are spending 4-6 hours a day battling these same thoughts.  Does your therapist specialize in CBT?  I'm sure you have a good relationship with him/her and wouldn't want to switch at this point anyway.  

There is a book that people recommend which I haven't read yet called the OCD Workbook.  It is available through Amazon pretty cheap so it may be worth you looking into.  I think it teaches CBT techniques.  Maybe others that you have not learned yet that might be more useful to you.  

Lastly, have you given thought to medication?  I have had intrusive thoughts.  I can understand the HIV one very well and I'm almost certain that I have had the "hit and run" thought but I don't think that one stayed around very long.  Mine were more toward harming the people I love without meaning to or accidentally harming them, burning down the house, etc.  Many etc. actually :)    To be honest with you, I don't think I could manage my rampant OCD without medication.  I say rampant because I did spend quite a few years medication free with manageable OCD.  I do practice my CBT (breathing, etc.) when I have the occasional panic attack but for the most part my OCD is in check with medication/CBT.  That is why I was asking about it.  Some people simply don't want to take it and I completely understand that.  

I wish I could be of more help to you.  If you have any other questions, let me know.  

[JGF25]

Hi Nathan and welcome to the OCD forum.  

I agree with your therapist, these intrusive thoughts do sound like OCD.  I hear you about the mental rituals so it does sound like you have learned some CBT but it really isn't working if you are spending 4-6 hours a day battling these same thoughts.  Does your therapist specialize in CBT?  I'm sure you have a good relationship with him/her and wouldn't want to switch at this point anyway.  

There is a book that people recommend which I haven't read yet called the OCD Workbook.  It is available through Amazon pretty cheap so it may be worth you looking into.  I think it teaches CBT techniques.  Maybe others that you have not learned yet that might be more useful to you.  

Lastly, have you given thought to medication?  I have had intrusive thoughts.  I can understand the HIV one very well and I'm almost certain that I have had the "hit and run" thought but I don't think that one stayed around very long.  Mine were more toward harming the people I love without meaning to or accidentally harming them, burning down the house, etc.  Many etc. actually :)    To be honest with you, I don't think I could manage my rampant OCD without medication.  I say rampant because I did spend quite a few years medication free with manageable OCD.  I do practice my CBT (breathing, etc.) when I have the occasional panic attack but for the most part my OCD is in check with medication/CBT.  That is why I was asking about it.  Some people simply don't want to take it and I completely understand that.  

I wish I could be of more help to you.  If you have any other questions, let me know.  

[nathanheller]

Hi JGF,

Thank you for the book recommendation. I have seen that title before in passing but I never actually picked it up. I did buy a book called "OCD Demystified" by Cheryl Carmin. It leans a little toward the "clinical" side, but it is fascinating to read about the disease and the people it affects (also makes me realize it could probably be a lot worse).

I'm sorry to hear you have intrusive thoughts as well, but it sounds like you have had a positive history with medicine?? Believe it or not I am actually 4 months or so on Paxil, but I only just started a higher dose a few days ago, so we'll see if that improves things. As far as CBT I know very little about that, as my therapist doesn't specialize in OCD. I am seeing a new psychologist this week, though, so even with all the anxiety I do have a positive outlook about treatment!

Take Care

[JGF25]

That sounds like a great plan.  I hope this new therapist can shed some new light on your OCD and teach you CBT.  I too had to go up in dose on my Wellbutrin, it did take a good 4 to 6 weeks to see the real benefit of it so hopefully with your dosage increase you will start to see some lessening of symptoms.  Good luck!  

[jhguy011]

I have had the fear too that maybe I don't have OCD and am just trying to cover up legitimate concerns with it. But that just proves my OCD, it seems.

I've had the environmental HIV fear, the hit-and-run fear, etc.

OCD is rough stuff.