some feedback needed on intrusive sexual thoughts

I posted earlier about how my current phase of OCD started (I m*sturbated to the thought of male feet, then did it more and more until I was swamped with this miserable miserable feeling). Now I don't go to male foot fetish websites anymore to "check", but instead I'll have intrusive thoughts "trying" to get me to act on them. When I say act on them, I mean think about them for sexual pleasure.

So I had one intrusive thought the other day and I'm terrified I acted on it because I had the thought "You're going to stay thinking about this thought so it will give you pleasure", then I stayed thinking about the thought for a second or two. I became terrified and filled with the dreaded misery feeling. I was convinced I tried to stay with the thought for sexual pleasure, but on the other hand it makes no sense why I would given how much I've been trying not to.

So I believe here my obsession is that I'm going to act on (fantasize about) intrusive gay sexual thoughts, and my compulsion is some sort of reassurance if I think I did. What should I do? Stop reassuring? Try to convince myself (reassure) that I didn't think those thoughts for pleasure? I just really need some help, I'm so so so upset right now


[[[and just for clarification, my OCD fear is centered around the FEELINGS of misery, not a fear that I'm gay]]]

[ILADVOCATE]

Think about if you have this one obsession only or obsessions in other areas. If you are compelled to do something you don't want to and you don't know why its worth speaking to a talk therapist about. If obsessions in general have taken over your life and its hard to get anything accomplished on a daily basis I'd speak to a psychiatrist first. Either way I wouldn't rule out speaking to a psychiatrist to see if its not ocd as that is treatable with medication, talk therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy. If its just this one issue it may be an unresolved emotional conflict that has caused it but likely its more than that but only a psychiatrist could decide for sure.

[monsieurb54]

Thanks for the response Iladvocate, I really appreciate it.

This is my only obsession. I've been obsession-free for years (with only one exception where I had recurring unpleasant feelings in certain places and this fueled a vicious cycle once I started fearing and avoiding these places). I'm probably going to end up seeing a psychologist about this, but I may see a psychiatrist first.

I mean, this obsession is the EXACT same structure as all the other obsessiosn I've experienced in my entire life -- having a very unpleasant emotion be triggered by something, then focus on avoidance to the point that I become overwhelmed with intrusive thoughts and fears and stuff.

[polly22]

Well, I've had traumas about feelings set off a cycle of avoiding related thoughts and words, too---I think somewhat like what you're speaking of. Recognizing that the feelings (and/or the thoughts) are fine helps enormously, but the "loop" seems to set in, and then at some future date about something else. I've read that this tends to happen with OCD people starting around age 7 or 8 or so; is this how it has been for you? I like the way you put it---"the EXACT stame structure as all the other obsessions. . .in my entire life". I hope you can find a good psychologist or psychiatriest who won't either enmesh you with tracking down early family problems to (wrongly) blame, or in overmuch drug therapy. Best to you.