whats wrong with me?

[Jboy284]

Im an 18 year old male and i have had a mental problem since i was a little kid. I never mentioned my problem to anyone because it would just be too akward to talk about with my family. After looking up symptoms of obsessive compulsive disorder , im almost convinced that i have it. But people seem to think obsessive compulsive only effects one action. but whatever i have seems to effects everything, i cant even have peace of mind anymore due to this. But at the same time , im having schizophrenic symptoms as well. I often feel like the world is out to hurt me. i look at people i dont know and im sure they hate me and that they look at me differently than they do other people. and i really do believe it, i really do. i often feel like im not important, like im not even a human being at times.  i dont see things or anything like that, but i do feel paranoid alot, and i mean alot. often times when i have a conversation i feel that every thing i say must be correct. if its not word for word, then i must repeat it until i get it right. and if i cant get it word for word, then it stresses me out terribly and makes me feel like im lying. Its like a voice in my head telling me something different than what i already know. i dont actually hear voices. but thats basically what its like. If i see a red stain , i automatically assume its blood and if i touch anywhere near it, i have to go wash my hands. im afraid to even touch door handles in public places and even in my own home sometimes. If i touch something and i think it has germs on it, i will go to wash my hands, but after im done washing my hands, something makes me think that everything i touched before i washed my hands now has germs on it. and i avoid touching them. it makes life miserable. I avoid unlucky numbers, and i feel like if i dont avoid them, something terrible could happen. I know it sounds ridiculous but this is what it does to me. something tells me that i have to sacrifice everything i enjoy to keep something bad from happening. i have times where i become very careless of what im doing. i get so angry at the world, that i could care less what i say to other people. My parents split up when i was 13 years old and i think that did alot of damage to my mind. In a way im sure i have ocd but at the same time it seems like im 2 different people in 1. i always have unwanted thoughts that i cannot get out of my head. and it seems like i have times where im coldhearted and have dull emotions when i know in my heart that  thats not the real me. Im a  very caring person but yet something makes me feel like i care less. i have unwanted thoughts of not caring about people, not caring about what happens to them, but at the same time i know id feel terrible if something happened to someone close to me. Its basically voices telling me im someone that im not. some of these symptoms are clearly ocd to me. but at the same time, i dont know if ocd could cause u to feel guilty and feel like ur lying even when ur telling the truth. i know the unwanted thoughts can come from ocd, but i dont know if thats whats telling me im lying every time i know im telling the truth. im just about sure that i have ocd, and i think i might have a split personality problem as well , but im not sure, someone please let me know something to help me out.

[gunit410]

OCD can be (and often is) multi-symptomatic. The things you're describe sound almost like textbook etc.

"But at the same time , im having schizophrenic symptoms as well. I often feel like the world is out to hurt me. i look at people i dont know and im sure they hate me and that they look at me differently than they do other people. and i really do believe it, i really do. i often feel like im not important, like im not even a human being at times. "

You're not schiphrenic. This is a common reaction to anxeity/depression, and as far as the final statement, I think we've all been there.

"  i dont see things or anything like that, but i do feel paranoid alot, and i mean alot. often times when i have a conversation i feel that every thing i say must be correct. if its not word for word, then i must repeat it until i get it right. and if i cant get it word for word, then it stresses me out terribly and makes me feel like im lying. Its like a voice in my head telling me something different than what i already know."

Right. This was a huge problem I had when I had OCD, the need to get my words just right, otherwise I felt like I was lying to myself.

It's also slightly indicative of OCPD. But do NOT self-diagnose yourself with this.

I would certainly agree that the onset of your disorder was related to the split between your parents.

I had alot of the same problems with feeling dull emotions, and coldness when I had OCD, and I feel alot of my problems were tied up with unresolved issues and things I hadn't figured out about myself. I also found a journal I wrote while I had OCD (some years) back, where I described myself as being 2 separate people, a "real" and "false self". I think alot of it was that I hadn't really figured out who the "real" me was at that point, and there was alot of conflict between things in my subconscious and the way I lived my everday life.

You seem to have a very good handle on what your symptoms are, and I think it could be best for you is to see a therapist or find someone to talk to who can help you sort out whatever issues you may have (i.e. your parents). To me (and I'm adivising you because it sounds VERY similar to what I had), your OCD seems strongly tied up with emotional conflicts you're having, and I'd look more in the direction of psychotherapy or a counselor than Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy or medication.

As far as a split personality goes, there may be some dissonance going on between your outward and internal identities, but my area of interest is mostly OCD, so I can't advise you too well there. Talk to a therapist.

You sound like you have alot of things you need to figure out about yourself.

[gunit410]

sorry if the post is a bit haphazard, I'm trying to do two things at once.

[gunit410]

"Right. This was a huge problem I had when I had OCD, the need to get my words just right, otherwise I felt like I was lying to myself."

Well. I shouldn't really say it was like I was lying to myself, it was more the fear that (like you mentioned) something bad would happen, or I would (this is a huge issue in OCD and OCPD) lose my whole truth structure and conception of self-reality if I didn't get the words just right.

OCD is all about trying to control life/ambiguity, so I think this is a logical extension.

Good luck and post me back.

[Jboy284]

thanks for responding, Im glad u dont think im schizophrenic, but at the same time , im confused as to what you mean. which one do you think i most likely have, ocd or ocpd?

[gunit410]

It sounds like you have OCD, and 90% of your symptoms fall under that category. I wouldn't concern yourself with OCPD. Didn't meant to be ambigious in that last post.

[therese83]

A lot of the symptoms you describe as schizophrenic I had with very severe depression.

If you had schizophrenia you would not be able to write and make sense like you do without medication.

[gunit410]

"A lot of the symptoms you describe as schizophrenic I had with very severe depression."

Precisely. Alot of the depersonalization/derealization and alienation you're feeling are common with depression/anxiety.

Also, I think feeling like you're two people is strongly rooted in whatever emotional conflicts you're having, either with your parents or other issues.