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A message from Donna
by Jan214, Oct 19, 2008 08:25PM
Donna has asked me to write to you all for her because she is just to weak, but she wanted to do a final posting. Please accept this as if it is coming from her.
Dear Friends,
I want you to know how much I appreciate your friendships, your love and encouragement and your prayers. I came on the forum like everyone else looking for information. I did not expect to find the love and friendships that I have found on MH. It is so much more than a place to gather information on OvCa. I have made friendships on here that I know I will take with me. We have laughed together, cried together, schemed together and mourned together. We have been able to accomplish some wonderful things on here and I know that you all will watch over the forum and keep it the loving, supportive, fun place it has become.
I am throwing up quite a bit but they are controlling it as best they can. I am on enough pain medication that I don't hurt. The survival instinct is very strong in all of us and when I started having heart problems tonight I fought it like a dummy and realized I shouldn't have. I am very sleepy and right now I am having trouble breathing. I just want to go peacefully.
Throughout this ordeal you all have kept my spirits up with so many notes, msgs, phone calls and prayers, but now it is time to say goodbye and I would like to ask that you all pray that this ends quickly now. I don't want to go, so please don't think that I just gave up. I would like to have another 50 yrs the same as anyone, but there is nothing left to fight for and it is time to let go.
You all have been just amazing and I love you very much. Those of you that have become my closest friends know who you are. I want you to know that I hold you close to my heart and I thank you for all the laughs. We had a lot of fun on here and I want you to remember those times. I know you will continue to fight the good fight and I expect you to win. I will be watching over you all. When you think of me I expect it to be with a grin for my wickedly dry sense of humor and not with tears of unhappiness.
With much love and appreciation,
Donna
Dear Friends,
I want you to know how much I appreciate your friendships, your love and encouragement and your prayers. I came on the forum like everyone else looking for information. I did not expect to find the love and friendships that I have found on MH. It is so much more than a place to gather information on OvCa. I have made friendships on here that I know I will take with me. We have laughed together, cried together, schemed together and mourned together. We have been able to accomplish some wonderful things on here and I know that you all will watch over the forum and keep it the loving, supportive, fun place it has become.
I am throwing up quite a bit but they are controlling it as best they can. I am on enough pain medication that I don't hurt. The survival instinct is very strong in all of us and when I started having heart problems tonight I fought it like a dummy and realized I shouldn't have. I am very sleepy and right now I am having trouble breathing. I just want to go peacefully.
Throughout this ordeal you all have kept my spirits up with so many notes, msgs, phone calls and prayers, but now it is time to say goodbye and I would like to ask that you all pray that this ends quickly now. I don't want to go, so please don't think that I just gave up. I would like to have another 50 yrs the same as anyone, but there is nothing left to fight for and it is time to let go.
You all have been just amazing and I love you very much. Those of you that have become my closest friends know who you are. I want you to know that I hold you close to my heart and I thank you for all the laughs. We had a lot of fun on here and I want you to remember those times. I know you will continue to fight the good fight and I expect you to win. I will be watching over you all. When you think of me I expect it to be with a grin for my wickedly dry sense of humor and not with tears of unhappiness.
With much love and appreciation,
Donna
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This is so hard. Donna, you were one of the first to chat with me on here and came to hold such a special place in my heart, a spot that will be yours forever. You are my fairy lady ....the one with a southern accent. Your beauty inside and out is unforgettable and although I don't really know what to write.... I love you, always will. Keeping you close in my prayers tonight.
Wishing you peace,
Fran
Look for Maya please. She will there... from one animal lover to another, I hope this doesn't sound too corny, because I think you do understand. She will know you by your kindness and warmth. You have touched all our lives and it is with sadness and tears that I write this. But, I understand your wishes and respect them. I, for one, will feel safer knowing you will be watching out for us.
As I write this, I cannot help but but remember my dear, sweet Mother, my amazing Father, my oldest brother, my sweet Maya... I remember them all so fondly and will always remember you, too.... beautiful Donna...
We love you so much,
Mary
Love, Trudie
God bless you
Love Angie
Irene
Love Always,
Gail
With love,
Sandy
Donna,
You will be so missed, you are a wonderful, giving, caring woman, beautiful inside and out and I will miss you. I am fighting those tears you talk about, but knowing that God will have you in his loving arms. I pray for peace and comfort. Love, Colleen
Love,
Dawnlyn
May God lift you from these earthly constraints and welcome you into His kingdom. I pray you experience no more suffering, only eternal peace and happiness that only He can provide. God Bless your family as they bid you farewell. God Speed Donna
Love
Laney
Peace and love to you. Rest now.
Love,
Sharon
I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you wanna go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything, more than anything...
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And always give more than you take.
But more than anything, yeah, more than anything...
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish. Yeah, yeah.
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish (my wish, for you).
This is my wish (my wish, for you)
I hope you know somebody loves you (my wish, for you).
May all your dreams stay big (my wish, for you).
You have fought with grace and dignity. I am so glad I got to know you a little. If you're ready, then I pray that you fly free like all the wild animals you love so much. May the Lord be with you, bring peace and comfort all those who love you who are left behind. I love you, D.
L
You have fought the hardest of battles and are an ispiration to those of us still fighting. I know you will cheer us all on once you are at peace.
I have such a heavy heart...this is so unfair.
Much love to you...
Becky
Love, Meg
Jan - thank you for posting Donna's message. I know how hard this is on you. Thank you for being a friend to Donna and many of the others on this forum.
I enjoy looking at your beautiful photos. Everytime I see a deer, a beautiful bird, a beaver, rabbits, etc - I will think of you and smile. Thank you for your amazing will and you have fought a valiant fight. I wish you peace and freedom from the pain.
Heidi
Love,
Karen
Jun
May God be with you always.
Love, Angie
I do not know you.. I lost my mother to OvCa at a very young age, so I come to the OvCa forum to read everyone's stories and to possibly get an idea of what she went through.. I found yours. I pray that you go painless and peaceful. I asked my mother to await your arrival and take your hand and hold it ever so tightly so you arent afraid.
Peace be with you Donna..
MK
Our Father, Who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy Will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil. Amen.
As you know, my biggest regret is that we were never able to meet in person. But I still feel as though I have known you all of my life.
You have touched so many of us here in such a way that you will never be far from us. And one day we will all be together again, laughing and crying, just like always.
As hard as it is, if that is your wish, I pray that God wil soon call you home so you will be free from all that goes with this disease.
You have been a wonderful friend to all of us.
I miss you already.
Love you Donna!
Your forever friend,
Chris
God Reward You Immensely.
Thanking God for your beautiful spirit.
We will meet again in paradise. :)
Love
Sharon
Chris
bump
I pray that your journey will be peaceful. God and the angles will guide you home. I know that I don't know you well, but I will never forget you.
I send you this message from butterflytc. She has been thinking of you every day and wants you to know how special you are to her. You and Johnny are both in her prayers.
TC
Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Kelly
aen
love
sharon
You, and your family are in my thoughts and my prayers Donna, you have really touched my heart. Let the love wash over you and be peaceful.
Jan, this must have been hard for you to hear and write. I thank you for being such a wonderful and caring friend.
Peace and Love...Kim
Becky
The only msg I got from Donna today was that everyone in the family was trying to see her and that she felt terrible. Brenda said she is going to stop the visits because it is to much for Donna. The last text msg I got today was from Brenda, the woman who is so lovingly taking care of Donna, and it is not good. Donna's vision is still blurry, she is throwing up and nauseated, and she has trouble even trying to sit up. She sleeps most of the time though so that is a blessing. They are able to control the pain. Right now she is on dilaudid, but hospice has the morphine ready in case she needs it also. When I spoke with Brenda Thurday she said they were counting in hours not days, but for some reason our girl is still hanging in there. I hope Brenda is right for Donna's sake. On the 24th I got a txt from Donna saying that she shakes all over when she tries to stand and needs help with that. She has only gotten worse since than. .
If there is one thing I have learned from this it is that we have to take things into our own hands. Donna has been off of nutritional IV's since the 5th and they told her it wouldn't take long after that, well it has been 3 weeks and that is to long. Since than she has spent all this time nauseous, throwing up stuff that doesn't look like it should be inside her to start with, having her vision go blurry, can't stand up or even pull herself up in bed, can't hold a glass. Scru that!!!! You all saw the pictures of Donna that I put up just a month ago well, you wouldn't recognize her now. She weighs less than 100 lbs and her cheeks are sunken in. Her whole face looks gaunt, well, worse than that, but I can't think of a better word. She should have been able to go while she still looked healthy. Why should we wait until we look like the crypt keeper before we go? Please pray that this ends soon for our Donna. She shouldn't have to feel this bad, it isn't right.
Why does it have to end like this. It is inhumane!!!!! I am going to start saving a fentanyl patch from each box and when my time comes if it isn't quick enough I am going to put those suckers everywhere. I will fall asleep and my heart will give out. THE END. I am going to chose how I go out and I WILL NOT let myself be dragged through what Donna has had to endure. I would encourage all of you who know that this disease is going to get you to prepare for that eventuality the way I am going to do.
I promise I will do better about keeping you updated. I am not doing so well myself these days, but that is no excuse. I just don't know what to say sometimes.
I am not going to turn this into a political discussion, but I would like you all to remember that Barak Obama's mother died of ovarian cancer and he has promised that more funding will go to those "obscure" cancer's that claim so many lives yet get so little funding. He has said it is "criminal" that ovarian cancer stats have not changed at all in 30 yrs. I don't want Donna's post to turn into a political war, I am just throwing that out there for you all to think about. I don't want to think about my girls having to go through what Donna is going through and the only way to avoid that is more funding and research. Yes, most likely one or both of my daughters will get this horrible disease.
Please know too Jan, that while all of us are very concerned about Donna, we know too that you are going through a very hard time as well. Please don't feel bad for not updating us...if anyone should feel bad, it's me for not having posted a question asking how your doing. I'm sorry that, on top of having to slowly lose your friend, your feeling as sick as you are.
This disease is so wretched...
I love ya Jan...take care of yourself.
Becky
Here in Oregon we do have the 'Death with Dignity' law that allows a person to decide to take medication to speed up the process. Also known as assisted suicide. Not for everyone I know but a few people have used it over the years.
I just don't understand why hospice isn't managing the pain and nausea better. Not like they're worried she'll become addicted.
For dear Donna to be tortured this way is criminal. There must be a better way.
Becky is right...please take care of yourself. We do appreciate your updates but we also know that you are dealing with so much right now. Please don't feel badly for not updating more often. She is also right that we haven't asked about you.
Take care, Jan. We love you.
Maybe He has felt that it was not time for her to go yet, but I think that she has been through enough. I can only pray that He sees it that way too and decides it is time for her to come home, where she will finally be at peace.
Love Chris
I will not allow my husband to grieve over a body that no longer functions.. I will not allow my chldren to look at a hollow nothing... that is my opinon and it is what I must do.. this is for me..no one else...Ending my life by artificial means . excuse me.. they are going to try to keep me alive by ARTIFICIAL mean... no not for me...
My love goes out to Donna and to you all.
Trudie
I will now tell you a very, very true story about my wife who died so recently (to me it is) Violet was in ICU on a ventilator, something she dreaded going on as to her it was the last thing left to keep her alive, her lungs were continually filling with fluid, so she was always nearly drowning. Did she want to give up? NO, she fought and fought, amazing her Dr’s who kept telling me she has hours! Well 45 days later, (even though the day before they were thinking of taking her off the ventilator as this were going great,) her body started to shut down, bit by, bit. She drifted off into a deep sleep, then her BP bottomed out, Violet asked for resuscitation,, so when her heart stopped, they started, okay they brought her back, but I will never forget the look in her eyes, complete horror, pain and scaredness. This was at 10.30am Sunday 6th January 2008. My children and I talked, we always wanted her to go in dignity, we had planned what we would do to help her if everything had been done, and there was no more. We were ready, we said our good byes she was gasping for breath involuntary, her brain was saying ‘I need air’. Her Dr’s were with us, they confirmed that there was nothing more they could do for her medically, in their words, she was gone all but the machines keeping her going, but that would not last, an hour, who could tell, Violet hated the dark, so we, her family started our plan, we were asked what we were up to, we told them, they didn’t argue, just said you are very brave but humble family, they said to the nurses to leave, they increased her sedation to the maximum, so in their words ‘she would not know anything’. I then turned off her IV which was forcing fluids into her just to keep he BP up, slowly her heart rate dropped from 180pm (which had been like this for over 24hrs) till it stopped, she died in my arms, her 2 kids holding her hands, she died in true dignity what she deserved.11am GMT Sunday 6th January 2008.
Okay till my dying days I will remember that day, but in the end we knew it was the best, she had no more pain on her face, no more suffering.
Ladies a graphic but very true recollection of the last moments of my darling wife, she passed away 42 weeks today at 9am GMT, a time my family mark each and every week. Did we do right? We think so FOR HER, not necessarily for us. Steve H
Love Kim
When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room.
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little--but not too long
And not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that we once shared
Miss me--but let me go.
For this is a journey that we all must take
And each must go alone. It's all a part of the Master's plan
A step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick of heart
Go to the friends we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds.
Miss Me - But Let me Go!
~~ Author Unknown ~~
I guess in the grand scheme of life, no one really knows how it will end...
We all have our own thoughts and feelings about this subject...we don't all have to agree.
I will respect Donna's wishes because that is what was asked of us...I continue to pray that she finds peace soon.
Becky
And back to Donna - if we send a note, will Johnny eventually see it? I know he doesn't want to linger at a computer keyboard right now but can we send notes and messages for him to read later?
As far as notes to Johnny, if you would like to write something here I will print it out and take it to him. We will go for the funeral and I will make sure he gets it. I like what Marty did at Leslee's service when she printed out our tribute to her and put it on the table at the service. I will do the same. If you would like to start another post with just notes for Johhny and or Donna that would be fine too.