Getting past the anxiety

[indego83]

Hi,

I had an ovarian cyst removed back in June which contained cancer cells. (VERY low grade, they’d only just stopped being borderline.) During the lead up to this first surgery I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder, and started taking Lexapro soon after surgery.
Then in August I had a larapatomy to have my ovary, omentum, and appendix out. Once they got in there they decided to leave my ovary, as my other one is completely shot with endometriosis, and they felt that the risk was low enough to warrant preserving my fertility.

While I was horrifically stressed during all the lead up to surgery, the surgery itself, and waiting for results, I never really felt like my anxiety was going to get the better of me.

Thank god all the test results came back clear; there weren’t even any abnormal cells.  That phone call was probably the single best moment in my life.

But now as the weeks click by, all that anxiety I managed so well before surgery has hit me upside the head like a freight train.
Since the surgery my Endometriosis symptoms are a lot worse. I’m getting back aches, bloating, mid cycle bleeding, cramping, and pain in the ovary… Which is exactly what I’ve been told to look out for if the cancer cells come back. Every time I get one of the symptoms (which is every day) I freak out.

I’m going to have another keyhole surgery in March to do some follow up biopsies, so if anything has come back it’ll be picked up… But I’m really struggling to accept that I’m ok, and that the worst is over.

I know it’s kind of a selfish question seeing as there are so many women out there praying to god to get the all clear… But once you have it, how do you accept it and move on?

[HVAC]

Anxiety is real. The thing is to learn to act as if with fear. I am terrified of heights and I did Commercial a/c. I had to climb three story ladders. I just acted as if it did not bother me. Now I plan out my day so I have little time to be alone with my thoughts. My mind is a terrible place to play. I think I would be a lot happy if I was not so smart. I have a service dog Polly who live is the moment and is totally happy. Her tail is always wagging. She was born deaf but she doesn't know any different. She leads me through life with the senses she has. Unlike a human she can't think about being different or missing out.

You take care of yourself. May be the other shoe will not drop on you. They are making great strides. This new drug I am on AMG 386 is amazing. I would have had no chance 5 years ago, now my Cancer is shrinking not just being slowed.

Alex

[indego83]

Thank you so much for the reply.
Like I said, I feel a bit selfish and stupid struggling with this when other women are struggling with so much worse.

I think a lot of it is that I was expecting the worst. My doctors defiantly were. Even after they left the ovary they thought maybe the cancer had come from somewhere else and the pathology was wrong, so they had me booked in for another round of major surgery to remove half my bowel... And then everything came back clear.

While I never really did much "Why me?"ing when I got the diagnosis, I making up for it now.
I look around and see all these amazing people who haven't been as lucky as I am, and I just don't understand why I got so lucky.
Now I've thought about it a bit longer, I'm thinking that's the main reason I'm still expecting the worst. I just can't accept that out of all the people to get so god damned lucky, the universe picked me.

Then there's the whole surreal aspect to it all.
A few years ago I was in a plane that decompressed mid flight. We landed safely, and were back on a plane home within a few hours.
It's the same feeling. It's just "What the hell just happened?" "Did that really happen? Everything is so normal, that can't have just happened..."

Thank you again for the reply, it really does help to know that if you can keep your head together, mine will fall back into place in good time.

Good luck with your treatments :-)