I'm off!

[Brownie3321]

It’s been a bizarre day. I can’t sleep so I thought I would write out my feelings for you all to read. My nerves have got the best of me (which explains the wide-eyed, pacing Deandra) because I am leaving tomorrow to Houston to begin my “kick cancer in the @ss” adventure. You know what’s odd about this whole procedure… my state of mind. I continually have people asking me if I am afraid to go through this, if I’m panicked about the pain I will feel. Absolutely not. I could give a d@mn about the collection of stem cells, or the 5 noxious chemo drugs administered in one generous dose, or the lengthy time I will spend over a toilet throwing up, or the stem cell transplant. Who cares? I’ve been through enough already, I can hang with this. What I am DREADING… is the time I have to spend in the hospital. All I know is there better not be any sharp objects or loose material hanging around, because last time I was in the hospital for 2 weeks, I almost tried to hang myself. Okay, that’s a little over-dramatic, but there is nothing worse than having to reside in a hospital room for longer than a day. I will be in a “special” room where only “special” clothes and shoes are allowed for 3 ½ weeks. No joke. The other thought weighing heavily on my mind is, what if this doesn’t work? I know what you all are thinking. ‘You can’t think that way, be positive!’ Frankly, when you are diagnosed with late stage ovarian cancer (chronic illness), that thought is inevitably going to enter your mind. It’s very difficult for me to talk to family and loved ones about this thought. I can’t imagine being in my parents shoes. They want nothing more than to take my place. They would put me in a frying pan and watch me fry to a crisp if there was a chance it would keep me alive. When you are on the opposite side, watching someone fight cancer, you want them to do EVERYTHING humanly possible to battle their disease. Lethal injections of chemo? Yes, she will do that and don’t be stingy with that dose! Stem cell transplant? PLEASE, whatever it takes doc. Fly to S. Africa to a medicine man that will have her eat snake eyes and dance around naked? Sign her up! It’s heartbreaking to watch them watch me fight this vile, s*itty cancer. The same goes for Luke. He constantly makes me promise I will fight to the bitter end because he ‘couldn’t live without me.’ I can’t bring up memories of being in the ICU unit, or the numerous hospital visits, or the time my heart monitor flat lined out of mistake without bringing tears to his eyes. He asked me to marry him. There were so many people in disbelief on how he handled his girlfriend being diagnosed with cancer. He NEVER left my side. I remember him telling me he didn’t understand why so many people kept telling him his strength was inspiring and how they themselves would never be able to deal with this. He was honestly dumfounded. His exact words were ‘what the hell was I going to do?? Leave? No way, I love her.’ I explained to him he would be surprised at the amount of people who could not deal with it, who would end up leaving their partner because they couldn’t take it. They couldn’t deal with the everyday thought ‘is he/she going to die’, or the relentless hospital visits, or even the physical aspect of it. Not Luke, his love only grew stronger for me. About a week ago he surprised me with his FIRST tattoo of the teal ovarian cancer ribbon, my astrology sign underneath, and the words “God Speed” above the whole design. For those of you that don’t know that phrase, it means good luck on your journey, may you prosper.  I am blessed to have so many people in my life that love me. On Monday the salon through me a going away/beat cancer party that was a blast. They all gave me a memento that I could take with me to remind me of them while I was gone. Today was my last day at the salon and you all know how much I hate to cry in front of people, but those tears were flowing when I gave each one of those girls a hug. They were all crying with me, forcing me to get into my car and drive to the alley where I sobbed for 20 minutes. Cancer fu@king sucks!!! Those girls mean the world to me…
Well, it’s 4:30am and I should try to get some sleep. Please keep me in your prayers, and I promise to drop kick and punch the sh*t out of this cancer! I will try to update as much as I can. Much love, D

[coogeegirl]

You are in my thoughts and prayers, I send you every postive thought I can muster

Love

Jenny

[Heavenly_Items]

Blessings to you

[justscore]

Wishng you well and praying for an amazing outcome for you.  You are a brave soul and I am sending you good thoughts.  Fight a good fight!  

[kimmywah]

I am late.  You have already gone to Texas.  But if you have access to a computer, I wanted to send all my love and prayers to you.  You are 'Mana Wahine'...that means...the strongest, the most prestigious and powerful woman.  A woman whose spirit and wisdom comes from her very soul, and the people around her .  You only have to look at the recognition that these other woman have given you.  That is for a person with great 'mana'....And you have a wonderful man beside you every step you take.  

Now...you kick that ba@#tard disease to the curb!!  

Peace and love....Kim

[Teresa222]

Like so many of the others, I don't know you...but I sure wish I could give you a big hug. You will be in the prayers of many people as you deal with all this mess.  God Bless You and your family.  I know from reading your words you are going to try to be strong through all this.  Much hope has been sent with you on your journey to Texas.
Teresa in Nashville, TN

[cirella]

Oh Deandra,
It's nuts because I don't really know you, only have talked with you a handful of times and I've ready your posts.  But, I've related to you on the hair stylist thing ( and the Rottie thing) and when I read that about your salon I knew the bond you must have with them.  I wish I had a little trinket to send with you, too.  Anyway, I wish you God Speed, as well.  I really pray that you get through this and come out shining.  I'm sure we all feel as your parents do...do anything that will take it all away.  Good luck and God bless you, sweetie.  
Love, Lori  

[Knotmeg]

GOOD LUCK and kick Cancer right in the ***!!!


God Speed... I love it!

Much support and hugs from a girl in Baltimore
Meg

[ireneo]

Your post was amazing. Yes, family and friends want every miracle and opportunity given to you because you're loved so deeply. Sometimes that feels like pressure. Think of it as good pressure from all the hugs people are giving you. A bit suffocating at times but we mean well.

For now just know my prayers and thoughts are with you every day. I've got your name on my dry erase board on the fridge. I'll see it often (I do love to snack) and pray for you each time. Go get 'em tiger!

[gma718]

You are my hero girl!!! I am so proud of you..As the tears are rolling down my face..how I wish I could be there to hold your hand. I am sending all the prayers that I have in me to you...I will be waiting so anxiously to hear about you and your treatments.  I know how hard this is..I spent 3 weeks in the hospital and if it wasnt for my husband who never left my side I would have never survived...Luke is your angel! You are an angel! Everything will be okay!!!! I know how scared you are and it is good that you vent (we all need to vent)...please stay strong and please somehow keep us all posted on your progress...I know I dont know your family but may god bless all of you during this trying time...I will be here waiting to hear from you...Love to You, Luke and Your family..Love ya, Gia

[SimplyStar]

You are our Pioneer hun, I will being following your progress closely. I was 16 the first time I visited Houston, my brother was SAC in the FBI there, seeing all the medical facilities, is one of the reasons I decided  on going to med school, all that knowledge bundled up in one city,  You have a very smart head on those shoulders  and a loving soul.  Bet those Nurses there will be trying to figure out how they could sterilize salon equipment so that you could work your magic on their hair.   I can see the Houston headlines now, Colorado Rocky Mountain High  gal visits The Lone Star State to get her cells adjusted.  Keep Luke away from those Cowboy cheerleaders.  Good luck Sweetie, we are all pulling for you.  Marty

[silver&gold]

Dear Deandra,
I will be praying along with the others, you are a very brave and determined woman  and I admire you greatly.
  
  love Angie

[nyc lady]

I will be thinking about you.   Our own "girl in the plastic bubble".  Fight hard and strong.

Hope we get updates about you.

Sending lots of positive energy your way.

Love,
Pam

[crecco]

I also hope that I have caught you in time. Please know that all our thoughts and prayers will be with you and if we could everyone of us would be right there beside you cheering you on. You are an inspiration to us all, and if anyone can do this, you can! I can only imagine waht you will be going through. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us, what better place to do that! We are all here for you so please don't forget that. We will anxiously be waiting to hear from you when you are up to it. Hang in there girlfriend!!! Sending love and big hugs your way and as Luke said, may God speed!
Love Chris

[msjazz]

I sent you a note last night, but just in case, know you are in my thoughts. I hope this will be your miracle. I am praying for your success with this. That is cute about the medicine man. I would go for that. Lol.     Love Donna

[Helmar]

Dear Deandra.....Blessings and all the best for your trip... and don't forget to take that little kangaroo with you....mate. :-)  Look forward to hearing the best news soon...love and hugs..Helen...

[gah_70]

Don't know when you are leaving, but I hope I have caught you in time.  I want to wish you the best of luck, and yes, God Speed.  You are going to an amazing place for an amazing procedure.  I hate the thought of you being so confined and feeling like you want to pull what hair you have out.  Any way you look at it, it certainly isn't fun.  I will be praying this is the answer for you and you do really well.  Sending love and prayers your way today, and always!

Love,
Gail

[Sandymac]

I don't know you personally either, but I have kept up with your journey and have so much admiration for you. You are such a brave young woman. I only wanted to add my voice to the many others wishing only good things for you. Hoping for a complete recovery and I just know this will work out for you..

Love,
Sandy

[marie3B]

I don't know you personally, but have seen such a look of strong, determined power in your profile photos. I have also read many of your posts. Your strength shows in your words. So go on now and kick this cancer's @ss. You are the person that can do it. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. Marie

[Jan214]

Oh Deandra, you are breaking my heart.  I hate it that you are in such turmoil about all of this and to be stuck in a "sterile" room for 3 1/2 weeks, OMG, I so understand.  When I was in the hospital for nearly two weeks with throwing up it drove me batty, but I could take my little mechanical buddy and go outside.  I understand your being upset about this.  It is SO confining.  I know  you are going to be fine on the other side of this, it is what you have to go through to get there that is so awful.  I would love for Cory and Luke to meet sometime.  They sound just alike.  You know we just got married last August and he has been amazing.  Those are the kinds of guys that won't ever do anything really stupid in a marriage.  So, no happy smoke this morning, just good luck to you sweetie and I will stay in phone contact with your mom. May God bless you & your medical team Deandra.

Love,
Jan

[JC145]

You are my daughters' (twins) age and I cannot imagine being a parent and watching my child go through this battle.  I will be praying that the stem cell transplant works for you and you can resume your life with your wonderful and supportive fiancee'.  Just remember to "keep your eye on the prize" as you go through this and take it one day at a time.  

My prayers will be with you ....

Judy C

[Shari4444]

Dearest Deandra, I just wanted to add my well-wishes to all the others. I hope you were actually able to fall asleep last night (this morning, actually). I will, definantly, be praying for you and please, continue your quest to kick OvCa's behind. If anyone will give it their all and have a good chance, it has to be YOU!!!! Keep us posted, if you can!!!!

Hugs,
Shari

[lucymullis]

so good to hear from you.  Please ask Luke to keep us updated while you are at Houston. Hopefully, you'll have access to a computer so we can hear from you.  I would really like to keep up with what you are experiencing day to day.  Not many ovca survivors do stem cell procedures so your experience will be hope for us and knowing what you experience is like will be so helpful.
Your post hit it right on the nail.  Of course the "elephant in the room" is the fear of death.  Acknowledging that actually can take some of the fear away but if you have not been faced with it smacking you in the face then one cannot imagine this fear.  Before cancer, I had seen loved ones, including a child, live with cancer and thought I had a sense of this fear.  I did not.  No one can imagine the fact that it is with us all the time.  Like you, I plan to beat the heck out of this monster with all my heart and soul.  However, I won't ignore this fear just to let others feel better.  I have had tremendous support and hope helping others know the reality will help future survivors.  

[vegas2cr]

G-d Speed and you are in my prayers...Love and hugs Ronni

[Tybear]

What a great post...I'm glad you felt you could come here to express those thoughts that are sometimes too hard or too much for your family to hear. I know the feeling of wondering "what if it doesn't work?". You aren't being negative - h*ll, your the most positive person I've ever met! I think it's only natural to wonder about the unknown.
I wish I could come and stay at the hospital for you...let you sneak out, even for a day! I've never had to be in that long before, and the best I can say is pack lot's of magazines, books, lotion (my skin always gets dry there) chapstick and a calling card. And your laptop, if you can swing it - I'm gonna go nut's if we don't get updates from you!!
You are definatly in my prayers...you and your family.
Love you - go get 'em girl!!!
Becky