I started this this AM and have updated it. I decided to just leave it the way I wrote it originally and you'll see the edit.
Whew boy...I don't really post too much anymore and it is killing me to come here now to post this. I don't have a lot of information but will be speaking to Lisa later today. Lisa told me that Hospice is setting Jan up today. I am very scared and part of me wants to run and not find out the truth but that won't happen. What I wanted to do today is ask that those of you who know Jan, will you please post some thoughts so that Lisa can give them to Jan? I want her to know just how deeply she is loved and missed on this forum. Thank you. I will start.
**edit** Lisa said that Hospice has set up a bed downstairs for Jan. At this time, they are trying to get her pain regulated. It sounds like she's either over medicated and sleeping or awake and in pain. I really hope they can get that to a point where she can be as comfortable as can be without sleeping all the time. It sounds as if she has a blockage of some sort.
All who know Jan knows that she is a fighter. I know she is fighting her hardest right now and will continue to do so. I want her to fight with all her might but I also want her to realize that it's OK if she just cannot fight any longer. I pray that the Lord holds Jan and her family closely to him. I pray that Jan feels the love and comfort of her Father. Lord, I ask you to cast out fear if there is any and replace it with peace. This is my prayer for Jan, her family and all of us. I know that I am afraid, mad, sad. I don't want to lose my friend but I also don't want her to be in pain any longer. I'd better stop now but I could go on and on...**end edit**
My Dear Buddy, Jan,
I can hardly choke this out. I feel that all through our friendship I have tried to think about anything but today. I've wanted to give you a normal friendship, knowing that we met on an ovarian cancer site but still... I came on here with questions, like anyone else. I felt a little guilty for blabbering my stuff when there were women on here dealing with their cancer when I was in limbo-land. You drew me out, got me talking and our friendship formed.
In the short time we've known each other there have been some kind of wild and strange things happen on this forum. Some have hurt me as I am sure you have been affected by the fakes but the difference between us is that you see people in such a unique way. Maybe that's the lawyer in you? You have been able to come back here and give the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise. You see people for who they are and you certainly call em like you see em. I LOVE that about you. That quality is so child-like and pure and if we all took the time to really listen to our gut like you do it would sure as h*ll cut out a lot of the bull. If I do answer a post I usually ask myself...what would Jan say to this person? Then I temper it down a little...LOL ; ) No, really though, you have a way of telling the truth even if it may not be what someone wants to hear. It may not be what they want to hear but it may be what they need to hear.
I know for a fact that you have helped many women here. The forum hasn't been the same since you've been gone. So many of the "old timers" aren't around much. We've lost too many to death and some have gone off to other forums. I'm so very thankful that we have kept in touch and I'm mostly thankful that we got to meet last year. To put your beautiful face and tiny body together with your ferocious, huge, loving, giving and honest heart was something I will treasure forever. I remember I kept asking you if you were OK. Finally you said, "Lori, you haven't been around a lot of cancer patients, have you?" LOL The answer was NO and I guess it showed. LOL Not sure why that makes me chuckle but it does.
You are one person who sees beauty around you. You nurture. You care. You live and love. And, I love you.
Congratulations on your little miracle Poppy mai, that is lovely news today.
Jan's sister Lisa, has been updating us with news of Jan. As you have read by now she is in hospice care, with her family all around her. Lisa has been wonderful, taking the time to update us all. I am sure like others on the forum, I am checking the board often for any news.
I keep writing stuff and deleting it because I have no clue as to what to say.
Your blunt honesty always reminded me of my grandmother. She like you always said what she thought. I know we didn't talk awhole lot, or had gotten to know each other well, but I don't do to well talking with my fingers. But know that you are one heck of a lady, and will always be remembered and loved. God bless you. Paula
Jan is still with us. They upped her Dilaudid to 60mg per hour and 12mg every 6 minutes. Then this morning they started in conjunction with the Dilaudid - Phenobarbitol 60 mg every hour. Just a few minutes ago they upped her Phenobarbitol to 260mg per hour. She is with her minister again this morning. Hopefully, this will help her rest. She's been up for 2 days.
Thank you for the update. Praying for strength and peace for all of you, especially Jan right now. It's so hard to say goodbye to someone who has been such a strength on this board. Pam is right and it's okay to let go - we'll continue the fight for you. Love, Chris P
Thanks for the update Lisa, I know it is difficult for you all right now. It means the world to us, that you take the time away from family to let us know how our friend is doing. I would not expect any less from Jan, she is a true fighter. God be with you all.
Thank God for Cory. He has been like a rock! He's allowed me use his computer to update all of you. It sits close to Jan's bed so I don't have to leave her side. He has been nothing short of the perfect brother in law. I told him he's a keeper. In our family when we receive a BIL or a SIL it's like the old roach motel commercials. You can check in, but you can't check out. Unless we don't like you then we can't get rid of you fast enough.
Tonight they put in a catheter. If she knew what we were doing she would jump up out of the bed and beat the cr@p out of us. But finally she is resting comfortably. Her breathing is shallow, but her vitals are still strong. I only pray that tonight is the night, but the nurse says probably not. I just want this to go away and I want to stop crying everytime I read a post about her or have to put one on myself. This really *****!
I hate that they haven't put more funds into this disease. I hate that Washington doesn't give a cr@p! All they care about is all the piggyback junk they put on their special interest bills. But all I can do at this point is be here as long as I can and wait and try to take care of Cory, Kelley and Katie.
May God keep you and bless you.
Please pray that Jan goes quickly and keep Cory, Kelley and Katie in your prayers, as I know you will.
Lisa ,God teachs us a lesson at times like this, in His time, not ours, His is the ultimate care provider and when He is ready He will will gather Jan up gently and take her home. All my Love to you all at this trying time, if you can read some scripture to her now, like the 23rd Palsm and the Lords Prayer.
I admire your strength and courage you have shown your sister and your family..Last night I was reading some old emails and posts between Jan and I...she was some special lady and very strong willed...I only pray that she is comfortable now and not in pain and that God watches over all of you at this most difficult time...xoxo Gia
I can hear the love you feel for Cory, and meeting him in Springfield last year. I understand why. He is so good for Jan, and really looks out for her. You could see the love they share. I hate this feeling of meeting people here daily, supporting them throughout this damn disease, and then not being able to find closure. Only to watch for word that the person we have shared days with, is now gone from our forum. Unfortunately when our time comes, God takes us in his own time, and we must travel that road alone. If we are truly blessed, we have wonderful family and friends around us, to keep us feeling safe til that moment arrives. I am glad that Jan has so many with her now, to keep her feeling safe..but my heart breaks for all of you, having to say Goodbye to your wife, sister, mom. Jan loved, and was loved, and is being loved til then very end of our time is what counts. We as cancer patients, all worry about the end, and don't want our loved ones to watch us suffer. It is something we live with throughout our battles. Being here supporting each other is what we try and do, but what do we do with the loss we feel? Knowing we cannot stop the end of the disease, and just hoping the friend on the other end of the computer knows that we still are here supporting them til the last breath, and struggling with the emotions of our own futures. We become like family here in so many levels, and have to accept that we can only be there for the fight. The end is in God's hands, not ours. From the bottom of my heart, I wish we could take the pain out of the endings, and not have to say farewell to so many people who have touched our lives. I am trying to find comfort, in seeing those people who are waiting for us on the other side. My heart aches for you right now Lisa, and I thank you deeply for keeping Jan safe and loved, while she is on this earth.
I can't say it any better than ButterflyTc did. I pray everyday that when God is ready, he will take Jan in his loving arms. I pray that he will wrap those same loving arms around you, Cory, Katie and Kelley. With love, Colleen
I can't imagine how hard this must be for you and Cory...when I think of Jan, the one word that comes to mind is Fiery. I remember how mad she was, watching her friend Donna go through this so it only angers me even more, knowing that now Jan is in the same spot. She was appalled that Donna had to suffer at all and to know that Jan is in pain and now catheterized? It seems beyond unfair...
I don't think it's wrong of you at all to wish for her to go because, what your really wanting, isn't for Jan to be gone but for Jan to be free of pain...I understand that wish completely. You have every right to feel that way...you love her and when you love someone like that, you don't like to see them hurting or doing things you know they wouldn't have wanted done.
You and Cory both must be so tired...I do hope your finding time to take care of yourselves as well.
I can't tell you how much it means to all of us to be recieving these updates. I know it must be hard for you but it is so appreciated...
Love Becky xx
Jan's still with us physically. Her BP is dropping rapidly but her heart rate is within normal range. I wish she was the one with the bad heart and not me. This way maybe she'd be at peace now. I thought for sure when they put the catheter in last night she would wake up and kick our butts but she didn't.I've been praying since I got here on the 9th for God to take her quickly. But as you have said in God's time not ours. So I switched to praying for intercession from my parents (all dead) that they take her in their arms and gently bring her home to God's mansion. I told Jan that God's gardens are even better than the ones my mother used to have but without the weeds. Maybe that will give her a little incentive to get there. The nurse seems to think that it won't be much longer.
It's a beautiful day in Nashville. 64 so far. I'm a big Star Trek fan (yes I'm a Trekkie) anyway as the Klingon warriors say. "Today is a good day to die"
That's what Jan is a Warrior. She has fought a good battle and today is a beautiful day.
I keep checking for news but with fear in my heart. This brings back so many memories from my time with my Dad. I remember the fatigue, the worry, the tears. And yet you don't want to miss a moment with the person you love. I want to hold you all so tightly in my arms and make it easier some how.
I just posted a poem that was given to us during that time. It's not depressing but hopeful. I read it so many times before and after my Dad's death. Perhaps someone else can read it first and see if they agree with me. I don't want to add to your pain.
Like so many others here, the last few days have been spent back and forth at the computer, waiting and watching for news of Jan, and crying each time. And like Becky I cannot help remembering how mad she was watching Donna slowly leave. I know that Jan would never have wanted it to be like this. Unfortunately even though we may be ready to let go, it will only happen when God is ready.
I had to smile though when you spoke of the catheter because you are so right, Jan would have kicked your butts right into tomorrow, and probably would have removed it herself.
We are all praying with you. Not for Jan to be gone, but for her to go as quicky and painlessly as possible. It would not be fair of us to pray that she does not go yet because the time has come for her to be free of this disease, to be happy again, and in a place where there is no cancer.
It is a beautiful day here also and you are right, Today would be a beautiful day to die. I know that if it were in her hands, Jan would have wanted to go quickly. She would not have wanted us to endure the pain of watching her go slowly. Yes Jan is a true warrior and will always remain so in our eyes. I know that when she is finally at peace, she will be watching over us, we will all have a guardian angel by the name of Jan.
Hon I can only imagine how hard this is on you. You are the rock holding everyone together right now. So please take care of yourself too. Make sure that you are getting some rest. Also let Cory know that we are there for him. He has been a wonderful husband to Jan and been right by her side every step of the way. May God bless him and continue to give him the strength to get through this.
I include my prayers that this will all be over soon for our dear Jan. She has fought hard and now deserves some peace and happiness. May she soon enter the beautiful gardens that God has waiting there for her.
It's just gorgeous here in Florida too .. while walking I wondered "Maybe it's gorgeous wherever Jan "is"..Because I know she's still with us all in spirit .. I just pray that her suffering ends soon.. ..
Lisa, thank you so much for allowing us to be a part of Jan's final hours.
I am not looking to upset anyone here, so please hear this with my intended positive tones.
The Jan I came to know would want us to celebrate her life....not wilt and wither. You all talk here of her "spirit" and spunk and describe her as "fiery" . It is sad she is passing from this realm to the next...... leaving many who love and care for her behind.......but the world is better for having her here for her short lifetime. She is a bundle of hugely powerful energy that will definately continue to exist in many ways! She is not going to cease to exist....her energy is everywhere! She is a powerful soul following her own path......when she is ready to say good-bye she will....until then, she continues to let everyone know who's boss!
I hope I haven't upset anyone. If I have, please accept my most sincere apology.
Thank You Dian, to me the most telling part of my daughters passing was the understanding, that came to all of us , as to just how much she had done in her time 6 months later I still hear it from her co workers and the people she cared for, It is a legacy that many still live with and by. Yes, Jans legacy will live a long time also, There are special people in this world and they have a deep impact on us, death does not take that away. We celebrated a life , well lived, at Leslees funeral, and we thanked God for sending her to us.
It's ok to say how you feel. In fact, I think most of us feel the same way. But we all need to say what's on our minds and I have enjoyed reading all the responses that have been given. I have read a few to Jan and to my sister, Cindy and Jan's daughters. Cory has read a few, but can't anymore. It's just too hard for him. So I just give him your good wishes and one day I will print all these off and give them to him.
I just spoke with Lisa and she asked me to update everyone. They have continued to up the pain killers and Jan's breathing is becoming labored and her BP is still lowering. Lisa says she'd be very surprised if Jan doesn't leave us tonight. She put the phone to Jan's ear and let me tell her how much I will love and miss her. I'm shaking right now with sadness and am so glad to have been able to support Lisa in as small a way as I can.
I have type out what to say for the last half hour and I keep erasing it. Because it just didn't sound right. It's about 4:50 a.m. central time. Jan has good to God's garden to tend to her favorite flowers. I really want to scream, because I don't know what to say or do. Jan passed at 12:30. Cory and I had just gone to bed and the girls went outside to look at her flowers and the nurse went to prepare Jan's next shot. And typical Jan, she didn't want anyone to experience the devastation of her last breath. The night nurse (Linda) called the Emergency RN (Lou Ann) to come and pronounce the TOD, which officially was 1:05a.m. The funeral home was contacted and they came to pick Jan up. My sister Cindy finally went back to her hotel for some rest and Cory went up to bed about an hour ago. The girls are getting ready for bed and I'm WIDE AWAKE. I know I should get some rest but I think that I'm beyond sleep, so I'm cleaning. Don't tell my husband he might expect me to do that when I get home.
Tomorrow Cory and I will go to the funeral home to finish up stuff and then he wants me to do a PowerPoint Slide presentation that they can show at church. I'll send you all copies. If I don't have your e-mail address already just send me a note here and I'll send it to you. I don't know when the funeral is going to be. I think maybe Saturday.
Everyone is in bed now and I just can't stop crying. The really *****. I wish you could have known Jan the way I did and I wish I could have know Jan the way you guy did. Maybe one day we can compare notes.
Kelley and Katie did ask me to tell you that Jan spoke of you guys often and how much each of you on the forum helped her. They appreciate that you guys were there for their mother, when they couldn't be.
I don't think I can do this, people aren't suppose to die this young. Jan's birthday is May 1st. Maybe we can still have a virtual Birthday Party (53).
Lisa and all;
I didn't know Jan, but I've been reading this post to keep up with what was happening. My prayers go out to you all. I lost my beloved Mom to OVCN and someone sent me this poem. It just seemed to fit. I have no idea who wrote it.
gentle hugs to you all
If tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for,
So much yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When GOD looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,
He said "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today for life on earth is past,
But here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There is no longing for the past.
But you have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things,
You knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven,
And now at last you are free.
So won't you take my hand.
And share my life with me?
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we are far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.
There are simply no words that I can add. I'm just so very sorry, and yes, she was much too young ! But, I'm glad the suffering is past . Jan is leaving a very large empty spot on the forum and in our hearts. Take care and thank you again for letting us be a part of your family.
I don't want to say I am sorry because that just doesn't sound right. I am heart broken, as I know that alll of you are too. Even though we have known that it could be any day now, it does not make it any easier. I am comforted by the fact that Jan is now in such a better place, free of this damn disease and all that goes with it. Even more by the fact that I now know she is watching over us all.
Please send my love and deepest sympathy to Cory, her daughters, and the rest of her family.
Goodby my forever friend, until we meet again. May you finally rest in peace.
The glue that held this forum together has left us for a better place. We won't be the same without her. My heartfelt sympathy to all of you who knew Jan personally. I echo the words written by Kiddthekatt .. so beautiful.
Tis very hard for me to write this, good bye dear Jan, for just a little while, your work here on earth is done and to a better place you have gone. We enfold all those you leave behind in love, and will try to help ease the lonliness they feel with your passing.
I am so very heartbroken to read this. We all knew that it was coming, but dang it, I am not ready to let Jan go. I am so thankful that she is out of pain and no longer suffering, but I am selfish, and I MISS HER ALREADY!!!!! I hate this damn disease!!!
Thank you God, that you have Jan in Your loving arms and are showing her her own special garden in Your kingdom. Lord, please give Cory, Lisa, Kelley, Katie, family, and friends the comfort and peace that only You can do. Give us all strength to get through this. We know Lord, that you have a purpose for all that you do, and we thank You that our dear friend Jan is no longer suffering, but in Your presence, walking on streets of gold. We love her so much Lord, but we know that nothing compares to the love that You have for her. Please tell her we love her and miss her lord. Thank you for giving us the chance to get to know such a wonderful woman. In Jesus' name, Amen
Lisa and Cory, please accept my deepest sympathies, and know that we are here for you anytime you need us. Please know how much we loved Jan. Kasie
I am overwhelmed with sadness for a woman whom I have never met, yet who had such a profound effect on me.
Goodbye Jan, now you have perfect peace, and thank you for your guidance, your wisdom, your humour, your compassion and your strength. And thanks for being so straight and honest with everyone. You will be missed every day.
To Corey, Lisa, Kelley, Katie and all Jan's family and friends, my deepest sympathy. How wonderful to have such love surrounding Jan.
God bless you Jan. I don't post often anymore but I still check in to see how everyone is doing, and although you didn't know me, I said a prayer for you every night. You were a wonderful person, and helped out a lot of women on the board. You will be missed!
Lisa I have checked my computer minute by minute and praying moment by moment for Jan, you and her lovely family. I am so sorry to hear about the saddness you are feeling. My heart hurts for the feelings of "missing her' that you must all feel. I pray that this saddness and lonliness will be filled with the comforting peace and promise you will be together again. God's love be upon you!!!!!!
I do like the idea that Jan is still on a journey but to an exotic place filled with flowers, beauty and kindness.
Posting any place right now is difficult because I feel some anger about what she went through. I read some posts elsewhere and think, "Are you kidding? Do you know what other people are going through right now!?" So I say nothing of course. I know I'm guilty of complaining and grumbling about the petty things in my own life at times. There's no room for me to criticize.
Wondering how the service went yesterday and how the family is doing. I hope they got plenty of hugs.
I am so saddened by jans passing. I never got a chance to know her, but I'm hoping that we can all gather strength from her. This is not much, but I was feeling good enough today to plant a little garden. Would anyone mind If I planted it for Jan. A small rememberance of what sounds like a very special lady.
Peace and blessings . Sorry I did not know Jan but all these lovely posts of her has moved me so. I am another Jan who wishes to express my feelings here if I may offer a small rememberance as well. I have a healing rose garden here and there are well over about 80 or so rose bushes. I have planted a few of them and named them after a few sisters who have left us for now. I hope it will be okay if I name one Jan in her memory. Thank you. Jan (in So. Calif.)
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