Living with Partial Remission

[thedoglady]

Help!!!! I so need some words of advice, comfort or something - I've been having meltdowns (panic attacks) these last few days as I see Christmas decs and people running around feeling elated about the upcoming holiday. Here I sit trying to "live" with the fact that despite surgery and 5 rounds of taxol/carbo, I only have a partial remission - couldn't do the last round - side effects were beyond endurance (stage 3C ovca). The emotional anguish of thinking this may be my last Christmas is more than I can handle. My support network has been dissolving over the past few months and some of my friends have stopped calling - it's just too much for most people. Any words of wisdom on coping with the heavy duty holiday blues?

[Helmar]

What you are going through is understandable, due to what we all face, but I suppose I have a different slant on it compared to others. I was told in Oct.'05 that Christmas '06 would be guaranteed, but nothing after that. That news cost me my marriage, as hubby couldn't cope with the news. But here I am, looking forward to Christmas '07, and in my mind, I'll be looking forward to a few more. I've not told any of my friends that I have cancer, and that's been good for all parties, as they treat me now, as they always have, and I don't need to be 'on my toes' fielding the many questions that I'm sure they would ask me..... or wondering why one is dodging me, because of not being able to handle the situation. We just meet and chat about the usual things that friends chat about, and I have a little smile to myself, wondering how they would react if only they knew my deep secret. :-) I look at it re your 'friends'... if they don't want to be there to support you through your low times, then they are not really friends, so don't fret about them. Hopefully you have a great family base, who will step in and be there for you. You can always mail me if you wish.... I'd be happy to back you up when you are feeling down. :-)
Remission... what is that? *joking*....My numbers are always in the 100s, but while I feel fine, I don't worry about the numbers. That's all they are. I was dx Feb'04 Stage 4... still doing chemo ( it's like second nature to me now)...still feeling well, and looking forward to  heaps more years here.
Thinking of you...hugs...Helen...

[Bina_N]

My Mom found Lorazepam is being very helpful for panic attacks. So if you do not hesitate anti-anxiety treatment of this kind, check with your doctor.

My Mom is St.IV, but we still have hopes. She started 2nd line chemo and hopefully we'll see the change

[Hazel30]

I understand how you feel. I am a doughter of a very strong woman who has been living with ovca 3c for 2 years now.  My Mom had debulking surgery day after xmas in 2005 and the holidays were horrible.  She is doing ok and just finished treatment for her recurrence, taxotere only because had allergic reaction to carbo.  Its very hard to see all the girls with their Moms and some are much older then my Mom shopping and smiling and enjoying their life and not living with the thought of cancer on their mind 24/7.  My Mom is turning 48 in 2 days and Im not ready to for her to go anywhere and everyday I wake up and go to sleep knowing that my Mom has ovarian cancer.  It has affected my marriage life some and myself personaly.  I dont know why this happened to us, but there must be a reason probobly to make me strong and build me for my future.  Im 26 and my Mother is my idol, my hero she is perfect in every way imaginable.  I think positive thoughts every day because I believe they heal  us within.  So think positive have hope and dont let cancer take over you.  It all starts in the mind.  Take care of your self and try to enjoy today and look forward to tomorrow.

[crecco]

As the others have told you, you are not alone. Calm down and take a few deep breaths. I was dx stage IV in Nov 05, this is my 3rd Christmas since. I do understand how you feel though, as all I could think of that year was that this would be my last Christmas. You will get past that. Then you can start focusing on making sure that you will be here for many more. Sorry you couldn't finish your first chemo regime and you may not want to hear this right now but there are many many drugs out there, so I am sure they can find one that will work for you. I know none of us likes the thought of chemo, but hey, if that is what will keep us here! I have been on it since dx and told I would be for the rest of my life. I have just accepted that it is a part of my life now and that makes it a lot easier to deal with. Please try not to spend all of your time worrying about the future, live for now. The more you dwell on what could be the worse it makes today. Keep your chin up, I know you can do it. There a lot of people out here cheering you on. LOL Chris

[Angie_Lou]

Everyone before my post have wonderful suggestions to keep as positive as possible.  Our minds, souls and bodies need to concentrate on the positive, even when we feel we've reached our lowest point.  Yes, we all have our moments and cry, feel blue....but, then, we have to focus on positive things and pick ourselves up again.  And, if others are not there for you, know that we are.

I think kismetfarm hit on something, but didn't really spell it out.  Think of this as your first Christmas and look forward to the newness of it all.  Past Christmases don't exist anymore and every day is a new one.  This will be my first Christmas... and I hope to keep counting them just like kismethfarm.

My best, Angie

[kismetfarm]

Actually I remembered late last night.

A few years ago now a friend of my mother had  a fairly aggressive breast cancer, with mets in her lungs and bones.  She too talked about whether this was her last Christmas, and indeed it didn't look that good.  She'd had a rough year too, mastectomy, failed reconstruction, lots of chemo, radiation....

In the new year her oncologist suggested she go on a trial of a new drug - Herceptin.  Four months later her scans were clear.  Now several years later she is still fine.

We don't always know what is round the corner.

[kismetfarm]

(((hugs)))

It seems it is too hard to get your head round sometimes doesn't it.  Often I am left wondering what is the plan, is there a point to it all and what am I supposed to be learning from this ( and I don't think I am learning whatever it is because I haven't got it yet)   I don't think that anyone can tell you where you will find the place you want to be with this - I work best on ignoring it a lot of the time (I only drop in here every couple of weeks), other people do better discussing it and using the support groups available.

Partial remission is good. (OK I know a full remission would be better, and it sucks that you haven't got that but partial is better than nothing)

This is going to be my 7th Christmas with my partial remission - I'm pretty sure I'll see that 8th and the 9th looks completely feasible.  On the whole they've been good years. :-)

[etaxitpo]

Just a couple of words to let you know that you are not alone.  You have come to the right place.  These women are strongest most courageous group of women I have met EVER.  I am amazed each day as I read the stories.  

I am a daughter of a courageous woman who is currently stage 3 wit ovca.  These women help me help her.  I am grateful everyday I found this forum.

[Brownie3321]

Hey there. You have every right to feel this way, and meltdowns are normal. I find cuss words really help to get the point across and release stress. That's horrible, but it helps for me :) I hope I don't upset you by saying this, but try to refocus your mind. Don't think about this being your last xmas!! You need to be in charge of your health. The mind is so, so very powerful. If your mind is telling your body this may be the last xmas, your body may follow. You need to have your body in sync with your mind. What I like to do when I am having a melt down is pray and take deep breaths. You don't need to be praying to anyone in particular, just talk to yourself, tell yourself you want to live for many years to come and you will beat this cancer. Tell your body to kick cancer's a** tell your body cancer picked the wrong sister to live in!! I also like to take a deep, deep breath imagining all positive energy entering my body and release the breath while thinking all negative vibes are leaving. I'm not some crazy energy person, I just find this works for me. Here is a little story that might cheer you up:
Attitude is everything
There once was a woman who woke up one morning,
looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today?"
So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror
and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.
"H-M-M," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today?" So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. "Well," she said,
"today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail."
So she did and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up,looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head. "YEA!" she exclaimed,
"I don't have to fix my hair today!"

Attitude is everything.

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Live simply,

Love generously,

Care deeply,

Speak kindly.......

Leave the rest to God

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...

It's about learning to dance in the rain

[SimplyStar]

It is hard for me to follow in the shoes of these women, I do not have cancer, my daughter does. At Christmas time, it is hard, not let emotions get the best of you, if you are feeling alone and lost.  I am an old lady, 77 to be exact, I do not know from day to day now how much longer I have on this earth. If I let myself keep feeling sorry for my self I would be miserable, I rise above that every day, I get up and says thanks God for letting me be here one more day. Leslee was stage 3 also, has been through 2 recurrances, but she is not letting cancer control her life. Do not assume that your friends are gone, reach out to them, let them know that this Holiday you are thinking of them and wish you could get together with them for some good times.  You don't have to still be getting cards and flowers to be OK. At Christmas time I also remember those days when my hubby was alive, when my house was full of children, when I was a child with my parents and brothers, that is what we build up memories for, to pull them out on dark days to remember that life goes without all of us when  our time comes. I know they are all in a better place now and I will join them sooner or later.  My children are all grown and have their families now, life does go on and on. Try replacing those heavy thoughts in your head with some great memories and reach out to find a place where you can smile again.  I intend to spend this Christmas with my son and his family in AZ, but my thoughts will be with my daughter as always, wishing her a long and happy life as God will grant her.  "Do not despire, for I am always with you"  "When there was only one set of footprints in the sand, I was carrying you."  I do not know why cancer visits some of the strongest women I have ever met.  You are not alone when you come to this forum, we all share your pain and sorrow and only wish we could  "make it better"  To get yourself in the mood, try singing some Christmas carols, Tis the Season to be Jolly. FA La La   Best wishes  Marty

[rmarie]

The holidays are wonderful times, however they also can be very depressing, especially when you are living with the question mark called cancer.  You had the surgery, were you optimality debulked?  If yes that is a good thing.  You had 5 rounds of Carbo and taxil how is your CA 125?  is it good?  If yes that is a good thing.  Is your Dr discussing starting another chemo because your CA 125 has not been decreased, if no, that is a good thing. If you were my friend, talking to me, I would ask you these questions.  

I really don't want to sound like a pollyanna, because I am not, I cry with the best of them, I take my xanax to shut my brain down, however these are questions that I ask myself to get out of the funks.  Most of the time it works, until the next time.  Learning to live with cancer has not been an easy journey, and I hate it, I read this post and cry some nights.   I do refuse to let cancer control my quality of life, I do not want it to take that away from me.  So I try to put it away, join a support group, keep busy, figure out a way to deal with co-existence.  I recognize that sometimes I would rather get hit by a bus, than deal with cancer for the next 20 years of my life, call me an optimist .      Stage 3C      1 recurrance 2nd surgery and more chemo.
My thoughts are with all of you, I wish none of us ever had to deal with this

[Jan214]

Before you start thinking we are all a lot tougher than you please go to this link http://www.medhelp.org/posts/show/360761 where you can read my meltdown and the reponses from 30 other people who went/are going through the same thing.  We all have good days and bad days and sometimes we think the bad days are NEVER going to go away but they do.  Try to remember that and keep it as your light at the end of the tunnel.  You will stay in my prayers.
Jan

[coogeegirl]

Have you thought about joining an Ovarian Cancer support group??? That way you will be with women who are going through similar experiences as yourself and they would be people that you would be able to gain strength from when your emotions are becoming overwhelming, nobody is better equipped to help then people going through the same thing (ie: this forum). Also what I would suggest if you could get your doctor to prescribe a mild antidepressant.

When I got my cancer diagnosis I was overwhelmed and on top of that when they said I had to have treatment it sent me into a fog of depression and disbelief, but then you have to pull yourself out of that and get on with the job of fighting this damn disease and not letting it get the better of you. There are women on this forum who have been fighting this disease for years, so please don't think this may be your last Christmas, nobody knows what is going to happen to each of us remember we are not statistics we are individuals!!!

Chemo is a harsh treatment that gave me a lot of pain and left me with tinnitus (I had a bad reaction to Taxol,,,,) but the side effects do go away slowly and you find yourself feeling better a little each day.

I am sending you loads of positive energy and please don't let cancer get the better of you

Hugs

Jenny

[Jan214]

I also have 3c and I only say that so you will know we are rowing the same boat.
Panic attacks are pretty common, you just can't let them last too long.  Easier said than done.  
That is awful that your friends are not there for you anymore. Have you tried picking up the phone and telling them you miss/need them?  Sometimes people don't know what to do and are just waiting for you to ask for help.   Do you belong to a church?  Let them know how miserable you are?  Have them come pray with you, just visit or bring food. I am assuming you are a dog fan and that you don't actually look like a dog/lady (HA HA) so why don't you make some pretty christmasy bows and take them down to your local animal shelter for the dogs and cats.  They won't care but it will perk you up and the people who run the shelter will get a kick out of it.  Take some special treats, they don't usually get those.
You could do some volunteer work if you feel well enough.  Most places don't need you to commit to anything definite or long term and are just grateful for the help when they can get it. Meals on wheels always needs help.  You could pack christmas boxes, this time of the year there is no shortage of people who need help.  Do you have a Gilda's Club in your city or some other support group you can join.  
That was the advice part now here is the wisdom part: if this is your last chrismas is this the way you want to spent it?  I don't know your situation, but I guess any of us could go at any time, and I for one am not going to spend anymore time with my head up my butt than I have to.
If you are really feeling like you can't pull out of this get some therapy and xanax.  Even if you don't get therapy get the xanax.  Sometimes you need to numb the emotional pain long enough for it to go away.
I am not sure what "partial remission' is as I am either having chemo or in remission and not having chemo.  
You have found a good site and should come here often.  Sometimes just reading other peoples stories makes us feel better.  Finally, as I tell everyone; YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND YOU NEVER WILL BE.  We are a group of strong/weak, smart/chemo brained, yet supportive people who really do care what happens to each other and I care what happens to you.  Keep me posted.
Jan

[junamgen]

Deep breath.IN12345 and OUT 12345.   I'm jun dx3c last Nov. I can assure it is NOT going to be your last Christmas, Maybe your least energy one just like me.  I will not bother to do any of the dec, daily walk is enough for me already.  I'm sorry that your friend is going away, but it does tell you who your real friends are and you can also find more new friends. You can leave message in my med help page and I can be your new friend.  very normay to meltdown with this OVCA. I will just screaming at home or in the yeard who care someone is lisening.  Please take care yourself which is most important for you at this moment.  jun

[EchoUK]

Hello,

Well you did better than me - I could only take one dose of Taxol/Carboplatin and had to go with Carboplatin alone after that.  I didn't get to remission only stable - CA125 lowest was 267 - that was in May.
It has risen to 1200 now so I am starting a different chemo next week for my second session.  I have had six months feeling good and without treatment. Didn't expect to see last Christmas let alone this one!  
You do tend to find out who your friends are at these times - when I was first diagnosed I had flowers, cards, calls from about 25 people the majority of whom I haven't heard from since!
Happens to a lot of people unfortunately - not sure why.
Anyway you will make loads of friends on here who know exactly what you are talking about - many of whom only achieved 'stable' too so I will move over and make room:-)

Hope you feel more confident soon,

Hugs from Ruth in the UK x