Random Thoughts

[worldtraveler23]

1. I am wearing a wig and it has created quite a sensation. I only told a few friends about my diagnosis. A friend told me I looked better in the wig, than with my real hair! People who don't know about my diagnosis are stopping me and telling me how great I look and they like my new haircut. I just tell them I have a new look for 2009 (which is true). I am very self conscious with it, but need to wear it to work. So much for the strange world of being a cancer survivor.......

2. I find myself supporting my friends, telling them I am fine (I am emotionally not fine). Maybe part of this is trying to convince myself that I will be fine. When they call and ask how I am, I tell them I am doing good or that I am fine. I put a brave face on it, because I want to be treated normally. I hold it together for a time and then fall apart when I am by myself. I feel I have let people down by having this disease.

3. I don't like my life very much. I wanted to go to a festival this weekend, but I knew I couldn't do the walking. My brain says "go", but my body says "no". I've tried to make small goals for myself, like attending a concert or a movie. I feel sorry for myself too much when I should be counting my blessings.

4. I wish I knew what God's plan is for me.

Thanks for listening and letting me vent a little.

[shewrites]

So glad you found an ovca support group.  That's got to be a real help.  You'll probably find out about the local doctors that treat ovca, the treatments people are trying, etc.  Maybe you can even have a "chemo party" with someone you meet!  

Just don't get scared about recurrences since you aren't likely to have a recurrence.  

[bohan54]

I would attend a support group if one was in my area.  It's great that you have the energy to continue working and that it helps your mental state.
We are here to hear about your ups and downs and to share ours.  It's really a beautiful thing.

Sharon

[worldtraveler23]

Thank you for all of your comments. I came to this Board looking for emotional support and I am glad I have found it. I don't have any family support locally. I wish I was as conifdent as all of you in my physical appearance, but I'm just not. I would love to have someone that loved me be with me through this. I've learned there is an ovarian cancer support group in my area that meets monthly and I am considering attending the March meeting. Can anyone tell me what happens in these support groups? Has anyone attended and have you found it helpful?

Tomorrow, my new boss is coming to meet me and to visit our office. I bought some fresh flowers for my office for tomorrow. He knows my situation and has been supportive. I've been able to work full-time after resting for a week after my treatments. My job keeps me going - it's a place to be where I am not focused on myself. I feel mentally good when I am at work .

Anyway, I hope you don't mind that I just post about the little things in my life and the ups and downs. This Board is a lifeline.

[jane65]

Hi, I've been dealing with this miserable OVCA for almost 2 years now, when I was doing carbo/taxol I of course lost my hair. i tried the wig thing and it looked horrible. I think I bought it too fast and was rushed into a terrible style, a $300.00 waste. I either wore a kerchief, a cap or nothing, my husband didn't care, he just wanted me to be ok.

I'm glad you obviously took your time and now you're enjoying the wig that actually gets compliments! I'm sure that makes you feel good.

I guess I'm doing the don't tell thing differently than you are. When I was diagnosed I told my entire family, and I tell them exactly how I feel, and how my treatments are affecting me. I need the sympathy and to know that they care.They really want to be a part of this journey, and they want to be kept informed, and help when I need them.

Maybe by telling everyone you're fine, and supporting your friends, you're in denial of your situation, and if you let them help you and be there for you, you'd have to admit you're not fine. Let them br involved if they want to, that's just being caring friends to you, don't deny them that.
How could you possibly have let anyone down by having a disease you never wished on yourself? You didn't do anything to get it, or deserve it. Some people get cancer, some get heart disease, some get warts on their nose. You know you didn't ask for this, and you'e fighting like hell to get this unwanted beast out of your body, right?

Sometimes, I get fatigue so bad, that all I can do is retire to the recliner and just chill out there. You can't fight the fatigue, we all get it, and we just have to go with it, some days are better than others, and we have to be glad for the good days. Remember, the chemo won't be forever, so you'll have to accept the side affects for now.
Nobody likes their life when they're dealing with a disease, it's something we never expected, and we just want our lives back. That will come in time.

I hope my gentle comments help you, you sound like you're really having a tough time. Talking about it on this forum and venting is a good thing. Feel good, and have a pleasant day tomorrow.... Jane

[nyc lady]

People ask because they don't know what else to do...they care, they want to know....but unless they have walked in your shoes they don't understand...and that is why sometimes we say, it's okay....cause they are not going to understand how we feel, what we fear...any of it.  It does help to have a place like this, or other support groups, friends who know how you do feel and can truly empathize with you.  
No one can blame you for feeling down.....you should speak with your doctor about it, and taking meds for depression, is prefectly acceptable....I was on them for years.  
Remember, that there are lots of people here that care and know what you are going through....
Pam

[bohan54]

I can only address #2 and 3.  Got over #1 in a hurry, not into #4.

#2  I believe if someone feels close enough to ask how you are, it's okay to tell them.  Some may not be able to handle all the gory details, so I leave them out.  Otherwise, I try to be as specific as the situation allows.  If emotion comes, oh well...

#3  Thinking that maybe you weren't liking life so much even before your DX.  This is where the professionals do very good work.  A psychiatrist is able to prescibe meds and do talk therapy.  Many feel a stigma associated with this, it is absolutely unwarranted.  We seek medical treatment for all other ailments, why not for depression?

[ireneo]

Although I don't have cancer, I kind of understand how you feel when you tell folks you're fine. It gets tedious when people just want to talk about your test results, your aches and pains and other people they know with cancer. Sometimes you just want to hear a good joke, talk about a movie you saw or complain about everyday things like traffic.

Perhaps you have a friend or two that can be there for both - everyday things as well as the not so happy times. Certainly the women here understand how it feels.

Life is like a yo-yo (no matter what Forest Gump says). Don't apologize for being at the low end of the string sometimes. Hugs,