What this experience has taught me

First a caveat. I will never know what those on this site who've been diagnosed with OVCA feel like and don't pretend to. I do know that my heart is with those individuals every day.  On to my original reason for posting. I've learned a lot on this journey of stark terror. I have a happy ending however there is a bit of a shadow, a spectre, that will always follow me just the same.  I've decided the best way to stave off hollow feelings is to take risks that I hadn't dared before. I've started to write songs on my guitar rather then tell myself I'm not good enough. I've even posted a piece of one to a guitar website I belong to, even though it's not near perfect, putting myself further out on a limb. I've gotten nice response and helpful tips for recording since I was using my on-board mic on my laptop, never the best alternative. I've decided to find another voice teacher (my last one quit due to gig committments) and pursue further training. I've decided that one day I'm going to do an open mic. I might due it in a city where no one knows me with a glass of wine for fortification, but darn it, I'm going to do it! I can't begin to tell you how much of an outlet my guitar has become for me both emotionally and spiritually. I think my blood pressured drops about 50 points when I play and I don't care anymore about my husband's "helpful" criticism. "Belt it" he says. Ummm, I'm no Aretha. Do you think Judy Collins could sound like her if she 'belts?' So there you are. Take those little risks. The payback is worth it.

[LindaF]

God, that's DO it in a city....sad :)

[sdp4314]

You go girl!  We have lots of open Mic's here in Houston....so if you are ever down this way.

Boy, I envy you.........I forever the coward!


Hugs,
Shawn

[scoutshadow]

It's good to see you give yourself credit were credit's due!  

Seriously though well done.  I love listening to gentle, folksy female singing voices.  Get the voice coach and keep at it.  I'm getting a keyboard this week.  When I go home and tinkle on my mum's piano, it seems the world just melts away and it's me and the music.  So lovely and relaxing.  I just need to keep up the practice.

The time has long passed to feel self conscious.  One handy tip - no wine until after the show.

Good luck.

[LindaF]

Thanks girls. Definitely get that keyboard scoutshadow. Music is therapeutic. I have friends in Houston SP, so that's an option :)  It's funny, I've gotten nice compliments on my voice so far on my guitar site but when I listen to my own recordings I hear......Elmo. So perhaps wine AFTER the show would indeed be better?

Isn't it so funny how critical we can get of ourselves? My friend Rob plays sometimes with a band (Grateful Dead covers) but he said getting up in an open mic paralyzes him as well. The fear of rejection iis very humbling to say the least.

[LindaF]

First the easy question - regarding your fingertips and guitar, play through the pain until you callous up. There's no shortcuts to that unfortunately. Light gauge strings though help and if you can find Elixer polyweb or nanowebs, the coating on those helps too.

Gosh, I hope you don't have cancer either -- what a mess that sounds like! Could it be endo? Sounds endo-like. They couldn't do a small biopsy last surgery to get an idea of what they are dealing with?

Voice lessons, yes, I know what you mean. My teacher is a great person but a bit of a flake teaching-wise but I did get one thing from her that's very valuable. If you aren't breathing from your diaphragm (stomach inflates and deflates with each breath then you are throat rather then chest singing. It's not as easy as it sounds and then add to that most people's throat tightens when they are nervous, well....  On top of THAT, hunching over a guitar cuts your air space in half, hence the proper posture and why lots of guitarist/singers stand when they perform. I can do it but it's not as comfortable for me and as easy as sitting. Then I'm told you just have to do it and the more you sing, the better you get. Sounds so simple right? AHHHHH!

Good for you regarding keyboard and your own singing. It's such a stress relief, you're right! Who inspires you?

L.

[ANGELWINGS21]

I am GLAD you are feeling better and am proud that you are playing the guitar and singing, don't worry so much about your voice, be yourself, the more you sing the stronger your voice gets, I took singing lessons years ago, maybe 6 weeks total and it really didn't do anything to improve, you just do weird breathing and sound excersizes,I sounded the same afterwards, when I was little I'd say "I am going to be a singer " and years later sent tapes out never got a reply .  
After lying in a hospital bed last month thinking if I get out of here healthy I am going to do something with singing, that has always been my main passion. I am getting my 2nd surgery with 3 surgeons in 3-4 weeks, the gyno cut me open w/ a 11 inch incision last month and said my left ovarian tumor is fuised along my pelvic bone, intestine and colon with adhesions all over my intestine, uterus and colon he said he couldn't operate so now I have to go for a 2nd surgery, which I am NOT up for. Hopefully it isnot cancer.  As for the beauty of writing and singing is each person is unique, I love all kinds of music , there are alot of great singers who have great natural voices that never had a lesson. I would just mostly sing, now I have been playing on a keyboard the past couple of months, taught myself a few songs and like you it HELPS relieve stress,I have made up a few melodys [with no lyrics] I have a guitar and am trying to play but the strings hurt my finger tips, any advise?
Best of luck to you! Go get em!
God Bless!
Paula

[ANGELWINGS21]

Hi Linda,
The 1st gyno who operated on me said he thinks if it isnot cancer it is stage 4 endometriomis - hopefully! Now he is sending me to a different hospital far from where I live with a different team of docs: a gyno/oncologist- to remove the adhesions on my intestine, colon and maybe on my bladder and kidney then to remove parts of my intestine and colon, a 2nd gyno, a urologist to put stents in my bladder . The 1st gyno who operated said I now may need a hysterctomy instead of a laporotomy on my left ovary also a colonoscopy bag, he said my colon looks bad. I am getting a colonoscopy next Wednesday, I pray all will be negative. I am seeing the new gyno/oncologist in 2-3 weeks then my 2nd surgery should be in 3-4 weeks.
Now for the fun talk! People who inspire me in music are; The Beatles, Dylan, Simon and Garfinkel,Bee Gees, the Who, Stones. I like country too Patsy Cline, Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson along with so many other people and different types of music depending what mood I am in that is what music I play.
How about you? Who are you in to?
Enjoy your day!
Paula
Paula

[LindaF]

Firstly, my gut is endo, not cancer. Isn't there any way they can laser the endo off rather than cut away parts of your colon/intestines? Perhaps your surgeons could contact a teaching hospital in the US like Hopkins to see if there are other options? Do you mind a hysterectomy or did you want (more) children?

Music...I love Jewel (her bootleg stuff is incredible), Lyle Lovett, Nanci Griffith, and a new girl I just heard Toby Lightman. If you have ITunes, download her acoustic version of Angels and Devils. Incredible song. If you don't, I can gift it to you through email.
I like S&G too, always have. Johnny Cash, great stuff. Dylan is an inspiration even though his voice is unique. I also have always liked Everything But The Girl when I'm in a mellow mood. Rap on the whole tends to grate on me -- I'm not that hip :)

L.

[ANGELWINGS21]

I am supposed to see the 2nd gyno/oncologist in 2-3 weeks. I am going to talk to him about laser , hopefully he can do that, the problem is I am on HIP medicaid and went to a clinic cause I am unemployed so I am pretty limited.
I like Jewel also, I only know some of Lyle Lovettes and Nancy Griffiths hits, they seem good too. I am not into rap either or heavy metal.
Keep on writing those soon to be hits! Believe in yourself.
God Bless!
Paula

[LindaF]

Thanks Paula - I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

Linda