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11yrs ago today I buried my son.
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11yrs ago today I buried my son.

Wish I was normal..again. everthing changed and I knew it would. I still cry all the time. Lost sooo many jobs because I would think of him and choke up..tears swell, and I would walk off the job site to be fired. I would be going to work and see skid marks across the road..turn around and go home. To be fired. How can you explain to people your crying and cant work? On a constuction site no less.. lol. Iam so angry filled I hate myself at times..soooo irritable to everyone..everything. I bark at my daughter ..(she was born a month after he died and I eventually gave my mom custody. I think the worst is I know what I was like BEFORE he died..and I also am very aware of what I am now. Nothing close to what I was. I hate myself. I run on only 2 emotions..Flight or Fight. And after awhile..its just one, Fight. I get tired of fighting and just want to kill myself. The only reason I dont is because of my daughter..at least for today. there are times where I have stared into the abyss so long..that dont even matter. Its a very very dark lonely place.To the depths of no love,purpose,or careing. Everything opposite of what life was. Then I know he would hate to see me like this..and it makes it worse. But for the longest time..I hurt because it was the one way to constantly keep him on my mind..I felt as if I forgot him for a day...I didnt remember him or care..forgotten. So I went in the bathroom and took a razor blade and ran it down the side of my face..so everytime I would look in the mirror I would never forget. Why does it seem like it was yesterday? Hate July. He got in the wreck Sunday the 15th, Was FINALLY taken off life support the 22nd, and buried on the 27th. He was supposed to be with me friday the 13th and his mother put it off. He wasnt even supposed to be there. I know she didnt kill him..But thats not what my brain tells me. It tells me she killed him and the two he got in the wreck with, because had she let him come stay with me as planned, he would still be alive and very likely the other two because EVERYTHING would have changed and been different. She Killed all of them. Thanks for the vent.. I just dont know what to say..everything starts to spin and cant think anymore.. God Bless and take care. Hug your kids. :)
Tags: irritable, son's death, PTSD
8 Comments Post a Comment
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675718_tn?1321008971
you should see a professional i think you have severe depression that can be treated with medication how old was he?
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3154331_tn?1343421046
He was 14.
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675718_tn?1321008971
my heart goes out to you that's just too young sorry my friend
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535822_tn?1413656274
I am so sorry, this must be so hard a time for you , I cant imagine how you feel.drifter is right when he says ask for some help , grief therapy may be of use..I have always found that its been my thoughts that make me feel bad, it maybe a good idea to try to switch thoughts to something mundane, distraction, each time the thoughts come up..I know that sounds too easy but it can work ..I read a book by Richard Carlson 4 years ago   he says ..." its impossible to experience any negative feeling without first creating a corresponding negative thought. " The truth is , our thinking will always create the reality we perceive "  You have your daughter and maybe thats what you should focus on ..she needs you ..hope you feel better soon .come and chat when things seem impossible ...
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Avatar_m_tn
I am so sorry that you are going through this still.  It has got to be incredibly tough to have this at the front of all of your thoughts.  I can't imagine how you feel, but I totally understand depression.....

You completely nailed it on the head when you said that it is lonely.  To me, there was never a lonelier and darker place.  The longer I stayed there, the lonelier I got and the darker my feelings got.  For me, I got to a place where I was numb a lot of the time.  My only emotions were fear and anger.  Those emotions fed off of each other, but at the same time, I had a little voice that was trying to call for help.  (Maybe that's what is happening with you right now???)  I know full well what it's like to not "give a damned".  Not care about a thing....  I did it a lot, and I had so much to care for.  When I'd realize that, my emotions would go to war inside my head and keep me off guard, and that's what it felt like.  It felt like I could not catch up or something.  Everything was out of reach and everything seemed "too big to handle".  (Although I looked like a big tough S.O.B, I was a frigging mess inside and afraid of everything.  Afraid of my thoughts, my feelings/emotions, the being lonely, the dark places.... and I was also afraid of getting help.  I didn't want to look weak to my wife and kids.  Instead, for almost 16 years I did nothing.  Actually, I was depressed for decades longer than that, but for 15 years I had a diagnosis as "clinically depressed" and didn't do a damned thing about it.  The only thing that I have a hard time with now was not getting help when I should have.  People were begging me to get help and I thought I didn't have a problem.  I couldn't get out of my own way.... Pitiful, man.... Pitiful.

There is help out there for you man, but you have to reach out for it.  You have to finally have enough of the bad feelings and realize that you do have to move on.  I think there are lessons in everything and perhaps there is a lesson that you are to learn because of the incident that took your child's life and perhaps you are supposed to learn to help people through similar circumstances.

I know there is a part of you who doesn't want to feel this way and wants to fight to get the old you back.  That is the "grounded" you.  (That's what I called it.)  The hurt you wants to keep hurting, regardless the cost.  

You can find a way past this... maybe not past it, but through it.  That help is with a professional.  Please man, seek some professional help.  Relax a little, tell the truth and let this stuff go to work.... You can do this!
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2071518_tn?1340386943
August 25 will be the 14th year of my daughter's death. She was 26. I understand the 'if onlys,' the fight or flight...I hear you. It is the absolute worst shattering pain a person can ever feel. I didn't trust anything for so long, because if something that bad could suddenly happen, then anything could happen around the corner--not that anything could be worse than losing a child. My daughter was my only child.
I am so sorry you lost your son, so very sorry. After my daughter died someone  who had also lost a child said, "You don't get over it, you just get used to it." There was so much that people said to try  and comfort that just didn't help at all, but I could accept it from her.
Please take care of yourself,
Em
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1118884_tn?1338596450
It has been 2 yrs since my son was shot and killed by his father in a terrible family tragedy.

Please please consider grief therapy.  And what margy said...so true...it has taken most of the last two years for me to come to a more stable accepting place about his death.  As I believed his spirit could not move on until I released it.... a constant job for awhile to get myself to move forward.

Anger is so much a part of grief...altho' it was not the chief emotion I dealt with.  Acceptance, forgiveness, distraction...remembering the fun times...it comes finally....I can talk about him without crying now...as I did today.

Eleven years is a long time to still feel such strong emotions...typing out your feelings here may help, but do see a counselor if possible.


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Avatar_f_tn
I am so sorry for the loss of your son!!  My 20 year old son commited suicide 8 years ago and not a day goes by that I don't think of the circumstances of that day.  I have taken several overdoses and had wished Ii were dead too.  I was diagnosed with Major depressive disorder and PTSD.  I won't go into what caused the PTSD, but it was.crippling to me My family has just about.given up on me.  They are tired of the depression and grief and think I should be over it by now.  I will never get over it.  But I have learned to live with itn I go to councilling every week and take two antidepressants and anxiety medicine.  I think you need to see someone for your grief.  Medicines do help relieve.some.of the depression, but you have to also do work to get yourself better.  I suggest you find a good therapist also.  I hope you can get to a place of peace soon.  Its one hell of a.way to live. (sarcastically said)  One day you will be together again!!  There is a great book. out called "THE GRIEF CLUB" by Melanie Beatty.   She too lost a child.  Please get help and learn to live again for your daughter.  
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