I've posted on the abuse forum when I first began talking about what I'm going through. I did get some helpful replies but also felt uncomfortable in some ways beause of the flow of the forum.
I thought coming here might be more of a place where I could find support or feel I fit in better because of the PTSD and while I've gotten replies which are so much appriciated from my very good friend Anna, I feel badly that I've gotten no others.
I feel if Anna did not reply to my post it would have gone completely ignored. And nothing feels worse than opening up and making yourself vulnerable and not having anyone else at least say, something.
Even if no one else has nighterrors or nightmares from what they've gone through PTSD is hard to cope with for all of us. No matter what it's resulted from and the purpose of MH making the forum available for us is so we can ALL feel we have a place to go for support and know we aren't alone. Why go to another forum when you live with PTSD and theirs a forum especially for it?
No one should have to go ignored or alone. It's a horrible feeling.
So where can people like me go to get the support we need? I can't just keep writing away in my journal hoping someone see's it or takes the time to read it and then replies.
But then when I attempt to meet others and open myself up it only makes me feel worse and more vulnerable to get nothing from it.
I wish there were an easy answer to your question as I'm still seeking it myself. I've been in therapy for many years and it's just not very helpful. Granted, the therapy is being provided by the VA because I'm a veteran. My PTSD comes from several traumas. I was raped while on active duty, I was also in a very, very nasty, abusive marriage for many years. There have been other things related to my military service as well.
I write also. It only offers temporary escape. Meds help me sleep. Other than that I just exist.
Do you have a therapist? Or looked into a Support Group in your area?
Hi, newbie here...wanted to say first off, I am nervous just typing this...I have PTSD, too...I hope we can all help each other...Amphitrite, I feel like I am a "lifer" as far as how to deal with this all, therapy has helped, but it is a day to day thing, I am so lucky to have a very supportive husband ...I also "second guess" myself alot, even tho most who know me think I am such a "strong" person...it is very hard to talk about it when one has been abused, etc...JKJ, I am so sorry about what all has happened to you...I think our Veterans deserve the best, if not for all of you, we would not even be able to sit here and have this web site, and all we do, so a big thank you for that!...
Thank you both for replying. I'm so glad to hear from you. I'm so sorry that you both have to expereince this PTSD trauma over and over again, but I'm glad there's a place here that we can all support eachother.
calamfred -I can understand how nervous you are. I hope you were okay after writing it. Thnak you so much for replying even though you were so anxious to do it. You may not think your a strong person(and I so understand what you mean, to everyone else I am to) but I see that strength is your replying to me. I hope you can see it to.
JKJ, I feel for what you're going through because my father is a vet also. He was in vietnam and luckly was discharged before anything awful happened. There are days he gets very quiet and I can tell there is so much weighing on him from that time. My brother also served in Iraq a few times. He's out now but he won't talk about what happened. It can be so hard.
And I believe you deserve so much in return for defending our country. I wish the VA was better than it was and you could get better therapy for your PTSD.
I've had PTSD for a long time but just didn't know it. All of the therapists and doctors I've seen tried to get me to talk about my truama but I refused for years. I guess since I was refusing to admit anything they couldn't diagnose PTSD until I was willing to talk.
And even know I only have a few memories and they've come in the form of nighterrors which they have diagnosed as flashbacks. But I've blocked out so much. After decided to really see how far back my memories go, I only have a few memories of myself past 5th garde. The other memories I thought I had of myself being a kid are pictures.
Even in my falshbacks I have no idea how old I am, I just now I'm very small in stature and very very thin. And when I was young I looked almost malnurished so I try to define my age by that.
I don't go to actual therapy, but I know I need to. I have an app today to talk to the woman I see once a month so I plan to ask about group therapy. But I'm afraid to go to group therapy.
I take celexa and ambien to help. The celexa does help a bit but it's the ambien that really helps me. When I take it I have fewer nigh terror flashbacks. But I also have a disease that causes alot of pain and so take pain killers. But all of a sudden they want to take me off of those after I mentioned PTSD to my pain doc.
Unfortunitly since my body remembers the pain of the abuse and the disease causes pain in the same areas it makes the PTSD worse. I fear if they take me off completely I'll not make it through. The reason the PTSD got so bad was because the pain wasn't being properlt treated.
Anyway, I hope we can really help eachother. I'm so new at all of this and really don't know how to handle it.
I have have been diagnosed with ptsd for about 2 yrs...i have prob dealing with it everyday...i go from happy to sad to mad. Alot of the time i want to exscape myself, and my mind. no one seems to understand. The anxiety is so much worse i isolate myself in my room (currently i'm living with my boyfriend and his grandmother which is another story) I do see a therapist, i go to group, and i see a doc...they are all from a prog called voca where i live. I try to express what i'm feeling so i can get help i find it the most difficult in group time, thats when my anxiety really acts up.
I am not ashamed talking about what happened to me....sometimes i wish some of the people i see would ask more about it...the only professional who did was the doc who diagnosed me 2 yrs ago. I too, have been through alot... i feel alone. I know my boyfriend loves me alot and he tries to understand but for the most part doesn't truly understand. I feel alone and in pain all the time.
I just want you all to know i understand, and if anything is needed i am here.
I understand exactly what you're saying although I haven't been to group yet. But if I reallt know myself, it's going to be hard.
I think you should tell your therapist or docs that you need to tale about it more. I don't know everything that's happened to me. I only get bits and pieces because I've repressed the memories for 20 some odd years and they only come out when it's safe enough that I can deal with them. But what I do know, I want to talk about and I can't stop talking about it.
That may be part of my PTSD to have it overtaking eveything in my life right now. But it's only been a few months since I let myself leave a little bit of the denial and take the wall down so it's all really new and I go back and forth between wanting to crawl under a rock and wanting to know everything.
I also go between trying to stuff it all back and convince myself it;s not true and to seeing how obvious it's always been and angry at myself for denying everythung for so long to the point that I basically shut the lights off on myself and lived in the dark so no one could get to me and trigger the dam to break open.
It's a constant struggle every day to wake up and get out of bed right now. I don't want to go out because I'm afraid I'm going to have a panic attack in public. Men look at me all the time and it really triggers a reaction in me to be seen sexually that way. I know it sounds strange to even be anxious about a man looking at you, but for me it just makes me feel like that's all I am and that's all I'm good for is to be a sexual object for men to use as they feel fit.
I don't feel that way about my hubby, that he sees me that way..well not conciously anyway. I still can't let me hold me or have intimate relations with him so I really don't know how I feel about his sexual desire for me.
I've also gained some weight and I think it's my way of trying to seem undesirable to men. Because I went from deprving myself of food to eating normally which without being able to be active has made me gain.
It's all a way to protect myself and I don't want for people in group to know these things about me. So I haven't called yet. I just don't know how to call and what to say.
In alot of ways i am going through the same things. The abuse has happened alot throughout my growing up. It feels good to know i have someone i can kinda relate to (meaning you lol) without being in group. The emories from when i was the youngest, i would say around 5, i can't remember alot...they come back to me in flashes...kind of like you. But the memories from when i was a little bit older...10-11, and 14 i remember it all. Then i met my ex when i was 17 and i thought he was wonderful...untill i was around 18 and we lived on our own that brought on some serious emotional and physical abuse. I was with him 6 yrs....so it had it's toll. I was just to the point where i thought i couldn't live without him. But after i met the man i'm with today i found i can b loved, and appreciated, and i feel so badly that he has to deal with me.
Like you i have a hard time getting up, and i dont really like to go out...but for me it's because i don't like to be around lots of people i don't know. I even have a hard time being around friends and their families unless my hubby is with me...he's kind of my security blanket.
I have gained weight, also from not to much activities, and it makes me feel the same way as you. Undesirable.
I have a intimate relationship with my hubby....but i often dont want to be touched other than at that moment. I have times that i feel lovey dovey....but really rarely. I also don't like men looking at me that way...so i hide myself in pj's and not much else. If i do dress nice i hide myself with a hoodie.
I first started therapy when i called a help line because i am a cutter. They set me up for a voca program, which was free because i had no insurance. I was set up with a therapist who is really nice and i felt comfortable...I only started group a little while ago when i was comfortable. It wasn't too scary they have everyone talk first so you can see you aren't alone. I would suggest doing some research and see if there are any programs and call and just tell them the way you have been feeling. I'm sure they are really nice and will help you. You can also tell them you feel comfortable with one on one for now.
I wish you luck...it's a struggle...i'm even getting worse....but for me it's the life situation i'm in. If you need anyone i am here. Thank you so much for listening i hope i can help.
Hi! I'm so sorry you've had to experience all of this. The hurt, the pain..sometimes(okay, alot of the time it just s doesn't seem fair or right.
But I'm so glad we all now have easchother to understand what it feels like and how hard it can get for us to deal with things, even things that seem so simple to everyone else.
Even getting out of bed can be so hard and other people just slide out with ease and don't get why I can't just get up when I've had a bad few days. Lacking so much comfort even within ourselves, when you find a comfortable spot even if it's a couch and a fuzzy blanket it's hard to leave that behind and go out to feel exposed and uncomfortable.
I used to be a cutter also. But for some reason just stopped when I was put on ambien. I guess because all the night terrors and nightmares calmed down.
Anyway, I have to run but I wanted to let you know that I read your post and that I hope we can all help eachother cope and understand a little better. Everyday can feel like a huge undertaking to get through and since I'm so new to actually dealing with all of this I have days where I don't think I'll make it through. Especially with my family no understanding at all.
I'll finish my post later:) I hope you'll accept my friend invite
i also have ptsd and it seems no one on the outside understands mine comes from abortion, and abuse . its horrible i have to be careful what i watch on tv. even what paople say to me . my friend talked about getting an abortion and i freaked out. im to looking for answers . and i hope to find one.
Sorry to hear that you have to cope with PTSD also. It can be really horrible and isolating. I'm newly diagnosed so haven't yet found the good part so you'll have to excuse my pessemistic attitude right now when it comes to all the panic attacks, dissosiation during flashbacks and mood swings that could rival Dr. jekely and Mr.Hyde.
The abortion must have been very hard on you. I'm so sorry. It can be a very traumatizing experience for women. The decision alone can cause massive amounts of anxiety and depression.
It must be really tough to have PTSD from both the abortion and the abuse. I can't imagine what you must be going through. Having PTSD for abuse seems like more then anough for any person to handle let alone adding another trauma that you have to relive. I'm soo glad you found us here and hope you stick around and keep talking. Talking always helps. I've found that out recently as when I came here I was a very closed off and private person. Now I talk about things I wouldn't tell my dearest friend!
So you mentioned having questions? Is there anything I can help you with? I'm sure everyone here has alot of personal experience to help you with any questions you have.
Hi, don't know if this will help you...I take Zoloft, as I have said, I feel like a "lifer"...I have been on several other meds, also in therapy, but I have to honestly say that sometimes I will have that old icky anxiety "out of the blue"...I feel kinda like Amph...in the forgive me for sounding pessimistic, but this PTSD is a rough enemy, I am also what would be considered "pill phobic", in that I am often "scared" to take meds, finding out that may stem from my past childhood abuse and being "given" something to make me "drowsy" during it, I cannot even stand to hardly write about it, making me sick, so...thankful to have found this support here to add to my "other supports"...I also want to add I am so sorry about all that you are going thru...one of my sayings is " I try never to judge or tell someone what to do, as I have never walked in their shoes, and don't know how they fit"...I hope we can all just be support for each other at our own comfort levels...I'm here if I can help...
C- It is so funny...okay, not funny haha but funny sureal how much you and I have in common. All of us with PTSD stemming from abuse have tons in common but with the IC and pill phobia it's just crazy!
I'm deathly afraid of pills. Not because anyone slipped me something(though I can't imagine how frightning that much have been) but because I feel like I need to remain in control at all time and putting a pill in my body could cause side effects that I can't control.
I'm even petrefied to take antobiotics. That's why it's taken me so long to take my pain meds and is still a daily struggle sometimes becuase I start obsessing about the "what if's" no matter how used to them I am.
Anyway, I thought it was interesting that we have yet another thing in common. I do wonder if IC isn't something that is more common in women that have been abused. I mean it's a real and awful bladder disease but coinsidently in the same area as our reproductive organs if you follow what I'm saying.
They say when you hold trauma in your body you can get very ill and I know I've certainly held trauma in that area for decades. I've constantly kept my body on guard and have always seemed to have one problem after another in my reproductive area.
Maybe I'll ask that question today...It's got me thinking now.
I'm sorry it's took a while to get back...my internet likes to go in and out....Wow kmathis i never thought that abortion can add on to ptsd. I've had two...gosh i even hate tp write it outloud. i was with my ex who was abusive and he would scare me into getting one even when i was dead set against it he used my diabetes and would discourage me into it. Now i'm with a wonderful person and i'm having trouble getting pregnant. I have so much guilt and hate for myself from the abortions. I'm sorry you have to go through it also.
Well everyone life has been tough this past week. Most of the time i don't even want to be around myself lol. i can't even imagine the ppl around me. my therapist wants to up my therapy to outpatient, i confessed to her that i had a day that kinda set me off so badly i was going to check myself in. I'm currently not on pills...like you guys i'm pessimistic.
I just wonder all the time...is it fair for ppl to do these things to us and we have to suffer? That we have to remember and cope with the damage? I guess it just means we are strong survivors. I just pray for hope, strength, patience, and peace. I know those are things we gotta have...because we are still here.
I'm sorry if i got u guys down...i never meant to. It's just you would understand more than anyone else. I try to explain but no one who hasn't been through it understands propperly as much as they try.
Thanx guys for listening. You have a friend here:)
Oh please don't think you've gotten any of us down. Most of us are already having a hard time so although it's awful any of us have to go through this it's comforting to know none of us are alone.
PTSD can be so isolating and sufficating. Just trying to control the anxiety can make things worse.
I'm so glad you got rid of that awful guy. What a piece of work to force you into making a decision you didn't want to make. That must have felt really awful. I'm sorry.
Your having a hard time getting pregnant now, has nothing to do with the decisions you were forced to make about abortion. Your not being punished or anything like that.
Sometimes it can just take quite a while and things have a way of workingthemselves out in time.
Have you been to the doc, both of you, to make sure there is nothing making your getting pregnant more difficult?
But even trying is wonderful, so congrats:) Not to mention the fun of it:) That's another thing. Don't let the stress get too overpowering. Just let things go with the flow. Stress always gets in the way when your trying to concieve. My parents tried for years and became so stressed out and so frustrated. As soon as they adopted me they were able to concieve. I don't even think they had brought me home yet...it was that as soon as they found out they were going to get what they had always wanted all the stress to concieve was gone in an instant and they got their miracle.
Don't ever blame yourself for what happened in the past. Your decision or not, it's nothing to feel guilty about.
I almost had one but instead began to miscarry before I had to decide. I believe whichever way I went my baby was just going to wait for me until I was ready for her to come back and bless my life.
I had a really rough week also where I considered going to the ER every night and would talk myself out of it. Finally I did and got some help. But had I not, I'm afraid of what would've happened to me. I was getting pretty close to the edge of losing it.
I'm sorry you had a rough one also. Maybe upping your sessions is a good idea. I have to do that also. I usually only go once a month but that's getting rediculous. I probably nned to go twice a week instead.
But if you ever feel like being admitted to the hospital is a good idea, than it might just be. You would be safe and well cared for making sure that your Ok and will stay that way.
Being admitted to the psych ward isn't what it used to be at all. It's really become a place to go to get some extra care when you need it most and make sure your safe. It's a good place to rest and be able to get some help in getting your feelings and thoughts worked out in an enviorment where you know you'll be okay doing it and making yourself that vulnerable.
Heck, it even became fashionable at one point...Madonna, Mariha Carey, Linsay Lohan and Brittney Spears.
Anyway. I just want you to be safe and if you need to get a little extra support for a bit then there is no shame in that. Actually you may feel the same but I just wanted to offer you my opinion incase you don't...:)
Anyway(ahain with the "anyway's". I swear....I can't stop saying them)
I'm glad your back...hoopefully your computer won't give you too many more problems..I know how that can be!
Thank you sooo much you don't know how much this new friendship means to me.
Oh and let me tell you it took me 7 yrs to get rid of the jerk. And what you said about the guilt and punishment....you were right on thats how i have been feeling. I talked to my therapist and she told me about the same things as you. I try not to blame myself but it's hard.
I have gone to the doctor...but my hubby hasn't yet cuz he has no insurance. After months of no periods to bleeding 2 months straight to not bleeding now after taking pills to stop it...my doc finally is sending me for a hysterscopy and D&C on the 30th(happy ne year lol) I hope it shines some light. My mom had endometriosis at my age and had to get it cleared so she could have me. So i just hope it either get fixed with the D&C or they find out whats really wrong...i have also have lots of pain.
And yes you are right the best part is trying lol:) I just can't shake the feeling that i have had my chance, and missed it.
But i pray and try to keep my head up. Thanx for listening.
Oh and about the checking myself in....i think what scared me out of it was when i visited my brother there....even though it does look a vaca compared to my life now lol. If it gets bad i will go in. I love mariah and her going into the hospital at the time made me look up to her...it was smart.
Well put, Amph...
I can only add that we are all "survivors" and will get thru this!! I wish I had something profound and witty to say about why we got hurt and have to live with it, but I don't...I am just trying to get out of being so pessimistic and just looking for some good in life, its there, waiting to be found. Like Dr. Phil says, "if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got" ( or something like that...lol) ...and, Angeleyes, please don't ever worry about "bringing us down", you never know when something you are posting just might "lift someone else up"...that's what we are here for, eh?!
Take Care all,
Angel((eyes)it's so funny, I tried to make that my screen name but couldn't remember the numbers I had to add at the end to get it!)
I'm just glad you got rid of him. Sometimes it takes a while before we can build up the strength to stand up for ourselves the way know we should. And it doesn't matter how long it takes to get to the point, only that you get there. The things I let one of my boyfriends do to me for so long...I just didn't leave, at that time I felt I couldn't.
I wish I could just take away your guilt but I know it's something you have to overcome. Like said, I truely believe that your child is waiting for you. And when your ready it will happen. When it comes to getting what your heart desires, there's no rush. It's always worth the wait. Always.
You didn't miss your chance to be a mother and you didn't ruin it for your partner to be a Father. There's always a way, even if that way ends up being that you decide to share your love with a child that really needs it.
That doesn't mean God is punishing you or you missed your chance. It just means he want's you to be a mother to a special child who needs a family and the love that you can both give.
That's how I feel about my having IC and endometriosis (the latter being the real bummer for me, I swear I didn't have it). The chances that I can carry a child to term having already had two miscarriages and risking having to endure 9 months in the pain the IC could cause, just means that God wants me to share my love with a child that hasn't gotten the kind of love that I could give them. He thinks I have such a special kind of love in my heart that he wants me to share it with a child that may grow up not knowing what love is or grow up being hurt just like all of us.
But that doesn't mean you won't be able to give birth to your child. Just that there is always a way no matter what.
And when I think about it that way, I no longer feel that I'm being punished and that I don't need to hurry up and "get over "(if only it was that easy) all my issues and my physical illness, because he'll help me get ready if that's what I want and everything will come together when it's time.
And I'm one of those that believes in "time" or destiny...fate, whatever you want to call it. However chliche and chessy it sounds.
And not that any of that makes it any easier when your heart is hurting and you feel broken. But I think that's all part of what God wants. he wants us to know that kind of depth because were the only ones that can help someone else who's going through what we are. Not everyone has the strength to go through what we have. We were made strong just for that reason. There will always be evil in the world. But if no one understood the deoths of pain that can come from facing that evil, we wouldn't understand how or why we need to stop it and how to help the next person who reaches out because the pain is too deep and hurtful.
He can't come down himself and help, he needs us.
And however "pollyanna" that sounds and however unfair it is, if that's not some of the reason..at least in my eyes, then I may as well just sit down and throw in the towel because there is no longer any purpose for me.
How many of us have picked a career that involves helping others in some way, in any way?
I think the majority of us have and that if not when someone begins to work through the suffering and trauma they've experienced they can no longer miss when it's standing right infront of them in another and they know how to reach out.
Take my family for instance. Whatever I'm going through, if I try to lean on them for support they assume I'm looking for an answre. And that's all they can tell me. I don't have an answer for you, when I hadn't even asked a question. They don't understand so they have no idea how to help and back away from helping because they don't know what to do.
And not just abuse...some people don't understand suffering at all because they just haven't been there. They haven't had to live with physical pain..or getting teased at school by everyone..or feel they're all alone and worthless. And unfortunitly the list goes on.
But we do know what it's like.
And believe me, my believing this doesn't make my bad days go away or what I'm feeling inside go away. I just know that one day I'll be able to feel I have strength enough to help someone else find their strength to.
Having faith doesn't change the suffering or suddenly make it better. It doesn't make what we went through go away. But it means we can see somethingin the distance. N o matter how far off it seems, we can still see it and know we can get there.
I haven't seen it yet, I still see blackness all around me. But I know it's there somewhere.
If it's not then what's the point. It has to be there. God wouldn't let us fall without helping to pick us up if were willing to grab his hand.
It's the one thing in this life I truely can say I believe without question.
I'm not a religious person. But I am spiritual. And God comes in many forms to many people. He has many names. So please know that I am not just talking about a Christian God. I'm talking about the higher power that people see with different views. No matter what it is...I don't care if someones God is a tree or the wind that blows around us. If that's where someone finds their strength and their understanding of what this is all about, that's good enough for me.
Each set of eyes sees things differently. And sometimes people see what we don't and vice versa, but it's all the same. Something wonderful that's bigger than any of us can comprehend but all of us feel in some way.
Okay I need to stop. I know I can sound like the biggest pollyanna. I can't help it. I just really truely believe it to be true in my heart. But I defenitly would never fault anyone for not sharing my belief. That's what makes the world go 'round. People can believe different things and still end up walking together holding eachother up.
But none of this means I've by any means found that strength to make it through. Most every night I still fear closing my eyes and I still hate what's happened to me and want to scream it's not fair. I'm still in the depths of He77 on earth.
But knowing that I have friends now that understand what I'm going through and know that we can be there for eachother no matter what were feeling...that's what helps me get through the day. That's what makes me thankful to be alive right now. Knowing I'm not alone.
I'm going to go put my hair in braids and put on that flower dress I have now...I might just bake some cookies while I'm at it...:)
I swear I can be such a pollyanna...at least I know it! And hopefully my knowing it will annoy people less:)
Don't worry i agree with u fully:) When i am at that breaking point it's god that i turn to. And somehow things work out some way. I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas!!! I hope santa is good too you
I also have PTSD. I have had so many different diagnosis. Bi-Polar is the main one. It is reassuring when you finally find that doctor that agrees with you. That you have PTSD. Now I am in my forties and ready to start feeling. Those of you know that is not an easy task. Sure each day is different but then they somehow seem the same. Tired of just existing. And countless times that I have tried to explain to another just what that feels like. It is so difficult to put into words. Wonder what it would be like to spend just one day inside a person that truly feels. However, determination is there and one day I will feel without these shields. Rebekah
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