Can't Sleep

[ibaibez]

Many of my memories are still repressed, I have some vague memories but they leave me in a mental state I can not tolerate.  Many nights when I try to sleep I am up for hours, horrible thoughts run through my head and I can not control them, I cry for hours sometimes.  I do think if I fully remember I would go insane.  I was very young around 6 and my mom use to let me go down this creepy ally by myself to some strangers house who she thought was absolutely insane because the mom tried to give her her baby and they stole our cat. I soon after started having nightmares and believe I saw people getting hurt, I became obsessed with blood and rap and have vague memories of blood and can remember what i was feeling.  When I was younger I had eating disorders, cut myself, suicide attempts, later drug abuse.... eventually i learned these coping techniques only dug a deeper hole and helping people worked much better, I do not hurt myself anymore but still can not sleep, I do not want to take a bunch of meds, I want to be free, I dont want this to have ever happened to me, it has screwed so much of my life up, I have sadistic nightmares and sometimes delusions which I can recognize from my childhood traumas and not believe them (delusions like i can not trust ANYONE, and every man will sexually assault their children or is evil, I feel those way sometimes but know it is not true for everyone so work through it).   Since I have overcome many of the negatives and just have trouble sleeping and sometimes cry and scream for a few hours straight at a time (thats not too often usually real bad after giving birth, in which I found allowing myself to hurt for hours like that and not hurt myself at the end, I do feel love) I feel I could counsel counselors, and I have told some of my ex relationships bits and pieces I can not even recall now, they tell me it is best to leave, that they have wanted to repress it and it is something better not said (I do feel I will go mentally insane if I remember everything), I just wish I knew how I could sleep, how I could not have subconscious messed up thoughts, how I could trust people... counselors are a joke, they havent figured out how to survive extremely stressful life situations, they do not know what it is like, how can they help me?   I just wish I had a connection with some sort of god source that could help me be at ease and take away some of this pain

[MYoungAtHeart]

Thank you drifter0213, i don't know anything about medications and always like reading your comments....

[drifter0213]

they treat PTSD with anti-depressants and i take a pill to have no nightmares it's called prazosin an alpha-blocker that lowers the blood pressure during the nights i will not have nightmares 99% of the time good stuff i take trazadone zoloft and vistaril for anxiety+depression  :)

[MYoungAtHeart]

I am replying to both your comments here....

I do know where you are coming from....My own incident happened when I was a bit older then you and after years and years of no recovery, my thought processes were all over the board....I had loving thoughts of my mama and daddy but horrible suspicion of men who might be abusing their own families.  

I have never taken any medication for PTSD and when I did finally find counseling I said " No Meds"  My thinking was so screwy that I wanted finally to address the issue and have clear thinking in my processes...We cannot say for sure that all counselors are a joke.  There are some very good people who go to school to learn how to serve the community, and yes, some do have problems in their own lives, but I have never run into a totally self serving counselor.  We can always see things in other people that we do not like or approve of, but I find that most vehement dislike of counselors or doctors is usually a way of keeping our own selves from getting help.  

PTSD is the gift that just keeps on giving and taking, for years...It gives us nightmares, terrors, fear, confusion, low self esteen and takes our dignity and trust that there is a goodness in the universe and that for some obscure reason we are being denied it.

I do encourage to at least try a counselor and you don't have to stay with one you absolutely cannot stomach, but running from counselor to counselor when the therapy is raising issues is a very common pattern.

The US Government has just started to use Mindfullness Meditation for the Veterans returning from Iraq and Afganistan now.  They are also incorporating yoga and exercise into their recovery program.

I do wish you the best of luck in your journey.  If you have any questions you can post here or send me a private email.

Blessings to you

M

[ibaibez]

I mean, not all men are evil right?  Sometimes my delusions are very strong that men will abuse their children and maybe all are evil