My life has been filled with nothing but death. My parents each came from families with 12 siblings each. On my moms side I never knew my grandparents because they died when she was young, so she was raised by her sister. This sister was more like a grandmother to me then an Aunt. Well because my mother did not have her parents, she made sure we stayed very close to all of our family. This was great growing up, but as we have gotten older, my nice big family has been dying off. It has been so bad that there are only 3 siblings each on my parents side that are still alive.
Anyway, I thought I had been handling it well until my dad passed away suddenly 14 years ago. His death took me to my knees. Well not long after my dad's passing my husband suddenly dropped over and I though he had died too. Well that started something in me that just continues to get just worse. I have become so afraid of everything. It had gotten so bad that if my husband would if my husband dropped something upstairs, I would go running up there to see if he was okay. Needless to say that I was driving him crazy. Well about 4 years ago my husband was helping a friend out on his house and my husband fell off a latter and tore his foot off. He was about 3 hours away from where I was so I had long drive just to get to the hospital to find out what happened because all I was told was that he was hurt bad. Well needless to say, my stress level has been off the charts. We not only had to deal with my husbands injuries, we had to deal with a tree that a tornado laid over on our house. Thankfully I heard the tree crack and heard it coming down, I was able to push my husband out of the way, grab our foster child and get down stairs without anyone getting hurt. Well I did not get any help with my husband and I did not get any help getting the tree off the house so I was stuck to my own devices. As you can imaginge things did not go well and I end up
losing the house.
All of this went on while I was stuck in a job that I absolutely hated. The company I worked for made it impossible for us to get any assistance but like a fool I stuck it out even though they dropped my hours and hired someone else giving her the full time position after I had been there for 5 years. I haven't slept through the night in years and the stress at work kept getting piled on me regardless of me having a talk with them to let them know it was starting to effect my health. I have a great family doctor and she had been telling me for a long time that I needed to get out of that job because of my health and I guess it finally sunk in. A couple weeks ago I had been up alnight again and I sat there and wrote out my resignation. I walked in the next morning cleaned out my desk and left. Now I am so confused. I knew when I left that job I was going to feel great, but I don't. I don't feel like I feel anything. It is just like a numb feeling. I feel like I should be happy and jumping around with excitement and all I want to do is sleep.
So, having gone through all this. I really think I might have PTSD but I need someone elses opinion. So, I would be so grateful for any help you might give.
I read your story with great interest....I am not a doctor or counselor but as a recovering PTSD I can relate with alot of what you have written about...
I can tell you that stress and depression and anxiety jumps out of your story at me, but as far as PTSD goes, you need to be seen by a qualified doctor or counselor to get that diagnosis....
Like drifter0213 I was wondering if you have flashbacks or intense nightmares also....
I have had PTSD since I was a child and back then there was no treatment for it unless you were actually in or released from the military. And way back then it was called " Shell Shock" and when I think of myself still today as that child I can see how they got that term.
Today with PTSD in the News and affecting so many people from the events of 9-11, Waco, The Oklahoma City Bombing, School Shootings, and now the Boston Marathon Shooting of course not forgetting our active Service Men/Women and Retired Military Members the counselors are updating their services and looking at what works for PTSD and what might be deleted from Recovery Processes.....
I would suggest you talk quite honestly with your doctor who you do have a good relationship with and see what the two of you come up with. The sooner you get in, the sooner you and her can come up with a treatment plan that might include the very same things they use during PTSD therapy.
I use a variety of non medicinal ways of recovery....I graduated group counseling and now use Meditation and Journaling daily to keep on the road of recovery. I am a YouTuber and use alot of the resources there including music and videos from some of the experts who have posted videos there. As a person moves forward in their recovery, more and more is revealed and then a well tailored plan can be amended and
more or less added to it as you need it.
I hope you come back and tell us that you are feeling better soon
Yes, I do have a great relationship with my doctor and she has been trying to adjust my meds to get the right combo but so far we have not had any luck. She is just a general practioner so she does not know near what I thing a shrink would.
I tell her that i have the panic attacks all the time and that I can not sleep, and when I do sleep for an hour of so my dreams are so intense. My mind just repeats things all day long. Right now it has been about my Aunt passing away. She passed away a year ago yet my mind will not stop replaying her death.
I have tried talking to my husband about it and his suggestion is get over it. God how I wish he could live for a week in my brain. He has no clue what it is like to rerun events in your head all day everyday. He also tries to say he understands and yet he has only lost grandparents.
I know I need to see a therapist but I have a couple of issues. 1. Where I live we don't have any and number 2, since I quit my job I have no insurance. I have to apply for medicaid because I have a disease that requires me to have blood platelets once a week and I can't afford $7000 every week. My husband got disablity but he cannot get medicare for 2 years. However, he has psoriatic arthritis so bad that it has cut the tendons in his hand so in a couple of months they are going to fix it. He has talked to them about medicaid but they said my income kept him from qualifing, so on Tuesday we are getting a divorce. It's not right that we have to, but we have to do what is best for him.
I just want to feel like a normal person again and it has been so long I am not sure I would know how that felt.
Hello, I was afraid that after you stopped working your med benefits would be cut or limited. I also read that your husband suggests you just get over it, whatever the it, is.....
I am sorry that your most significant contact has that opinion, but that is very normal for the spouse of the anxiety afflicted to throw their hands up and say, "Just Get Over It "....The hard work, the beginning, the middle and the continuation of recovery is up to the individual who is suffering and though our progress is many times slower then we would like, soon family members will notice without you saying anything at all to them about therapy or recovery.
When I first started a treatment plan that now includes the use of SAD Lights, Seasonal Affective Disorder, I wanted my whole family to know I was going to get better and they would smile and nod their heads while they were either hanging up the phone or finding a reason to end our visit...And I was alone with myself for this first year of my treatment, much like I was for the years before the treatment but this time it was for me. It was so that I would not be sick and tired of being sick and tired, scared of life and its journey and scared of my feelings and scared of the dark and scared of living.
I do suggest a therapist or group therapy to really help you get started in your recovery. A lot of times therapy groups can come in the guise of free treatment groups such as Alcohol Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, CoDependent Anonymous, Emotions Anonymous and Battered Women Anonymous. Self-help groups are not intended to provide "deep" psychotherapy.
Nevertheless, their emphasis on psychosocial processes, and the understanding shared by those with the same or similar mental illnesses does achieve constructive treatment goals.
As much as I was scared to death of other people including strangers, the peer group process is wonderful once you get to a group....You hear stories that you swear were only going on in your life, now shared 2 and 3 and 10 fold and soon the mistaken idea that you are alone in all of this begins to recede. You find healthy ways to cope with your symptoms and then are able to help other people if they ask and that alone makes a person feel so good....Not that we have all the answers but that we have had a glimpse into the keyhole of the locked door and find out we have been wearing the key around our own necks all of our lives...
If you cannot see your Medical Doctor you can do a google search for your zip code and see what is available in your area for free including using the Mental Health National Website which might list budget or free counseling if you are uncomfortable with the anonymous groups...
I will be thinking of you and hope that a little of what I have written has been clear to you....If you are confused about anything, log on and come back and ask.....I wish you the very best...
Thank you so much for your advice. I am researching now to see if there is a therapist in my area that works off of your income. I know that when I had foster kids there were some here that worked for the state, but not sure when it comes to people that are not in the system.
I finally feel like I may be on the right track after all these years. I think you go so long worrying about everyone but yourself so it gets harder and harder to put yourself first until you reach the point you have no choice. Please continue to add more information if you think of something. I want to learn as much as I can.
In your Life because of your circumstances once you get into a therapy or group therapy setting and start to feel a peace of mind that you have forgotten is there, whole rooms full of wonderful things about yourself will surface...
I was at YouTube yesterday and found some free, totally free, binaural meditation videos there. I don't have them on this computer but will come back once I make a copy of the web page and send the page to you...
There is proven research that music has the power to transform and heal many ills, including heart disease, stroke, alztheimers, and depression/anxiety. I am sure that there are tunes that really get you smiling and tapping your feet with a positive feeling and now is the time to pull out that music and let it help clean out some of the cobwebs in your soul...I do stay away from the baroque type of sad songs that only seem to get me spiraling downward and focusing in the past ..
It is said that Depression is from focusing and living in the past and anxiety is the focusing and living in the future...If we are doing this on a full time basis, we have one leg firmly planted in the past, and one leg firmly planted in the future and no leg to stand on right here at this moment, in the present....
I have a whole invisible bag of goodies that I use for my therapy. A lot of the goodies I use now were just waiting for me to use before i started therapy but could never focus on any of the hobbies or pastimes because of the anxiety and PTSD.
I do hope your search is successful....Please let us know how you are doing and I will come back with some links and other tips that have worked for me....
Once again I have had another death in my family, and once again I am feeling over whelmed. I know that I am not the only person that has this many deaths in such a short time because back in my grandparents day having large families were very common. I have been looking for a therapist but I think I am going to have to wait until I get moved to a bigger city. Which hopefully will be within the month.
I myself get overwhelmed with being unable to control what is going on in the world or in my family. I do hope you will have a successful move and then be able to look up a therapist or group for yourself.
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