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Dealing with triggers
Hi Everyone,
I'm new to this online support, never did this before, and I joining to ask how people deal with feeling triggered, and also looking for anyone out there who has no family and how you cope with that horrible reality.
I grew up in an unloving home, I didn't realize how bad it was until I met my current therapist, who identified the core of my issues as severe emotinonal child abuse and severe neglect. I was never hit or anything like that, but it stems from being brought up with parents who were more into their own issues, than taking care of their two kids. My mother grew up in an extremely abusive home, is the oldest of 6 children, and she used to get beat up almost everyday from her mother. At some point, her mother even threw a knife at her, she had a small scar from that. And things got so bad, that at some point, which I don't know why to this day, they ended up living in a home with the nuns for a year. Thus, she never knew how to be a mother, she was always moody, difficult, brooding, and just never there for me, even good things. But with me, she berated me a lot, my therapist thinks my mother abandoned me emotionally by the time I was between 3-5 years old!! It is so ingrained in me to think I am not deserving, that I ask for too much from others, and I was bullied throughout my school years, and in general, just have a hard time in life. I have a sister, but she doesn't care about me. It is too engrained in her also; she grew up like my mother, the bully, she's the entitlement monster, has no problem speaking up for herself, or just being "nice", but only to get what she wants ! My therapist thinks she figured it out very young, to align herself with my mother, and therefore, she got more of what she needed in life. She has been married for 20 years now, no kids (thank goodness!), with a pretty good life, where mine has been nothing but struggle and disappointment!
I'm in my 40s now, and my mother just died, my dad died years ago, and after he died things got worse, as my mother didn't do much for us at all, in terms of anything. Mostly just wrote us checks, we both moved out of state. I have never had a sense of family. My mother's siblings, 5 of them, all act like children. They are all developmentally narcissitic, I believe from never having had a decent childhood, with all the grandparents issues. I understand my grandfather was no better. Squabbles over stupid stuff, that goes on for years. Growing up, I hardly ever saw relatives, holidays was just our immediate family (boring!!), and just no sense of anyone being there for me, for anything, even good stuff, like in high school when I won a state scholarship! Came home to NOTHING! It was ignored. Nothing I did got my mother's attention, esp her, and she was a housewife. ( I always wondered what she did all day when we were in school!). She never bothered to get us involved with anything, I think the excuse now would be "no money." But she was just too "tight" to spend any, even a few dollars.
I always tried to make friends my family, but always found more self centered friends, or friends who were "empty wells", didn't have much to offer. Even now, an old friend has called me, it is almost three weeks since I called her back, (twice) and still no response. My boyfriend thinks it's odd: I told him "welcome to the story of my life." I am trying to make better friends, but at this age it is so hard, and everyone is so worried about work these days. And I am still single, I don't have children, NEVER wanted them either, so I am not like most women.
Life has been difficult, and several years ago, someone I worked with just ignored me, and I thought I was going to die, the pain was so intense! Being ignored, neglected, left out, not included--- is all highly triggering to me, and also people who aren't responsive to me. I don't know how to deal with it, other than to stay away.
I try to accept people, but how do you decide what to accept? Someone who never calls back, or is so busy it takes weeks to hear from someone? And I am not interested in people who only have time for you once/year.
I don't know what to do, as I have gotten rid of my narcissitic, self absorbed friends, but where do you find others, esp at this age? I have no family at all; I only have one family member who talks to me, and that is recent, but I'll never see this aunt. I have no one to see or talk to about anything, either trivial or important. Thank goodness for my boyfriend, he is great, but he is only one person.
I am feeling highly triggered this holiday weekend, due to trying to help someone, and feeling rejected, or my help unwanted--they have others who can help them, and of course, I'm somewhat new.
I have such a hard time, knowing that no one really cares for me, and the biggest part, is that "no one EVER REALLY DID." It's so painful. And no one understands how awful this is for me, it is highly triggering, and also just life in general, never having anyone there for me, really. Life hasn't changed much for me from getting out of the house, and I fear it never will. And that's it's too late, now that I understand my issues more, it feels too late to try to make real relationships with others, as people our age don't go out much anymore, etc.
I am trying to stay hopeful, but having a hard time. I don't know what to do anymore, and it's so painful how life has turned out. Triggers are so bad at times, I wish at times, I was dying, or similar, as the pain is so intense, and it makes me feel incredibly hopeless, and that no one cares how things affect me.
Any one else there have a life similar to mine?
I'd love to hear others stories as well.
Thanks for reading my story
TG
I'm new to this online support, never did this before, and I joining to ask how people deal with feeling triggered, and also looking for anyone out there who has no family and how you cope with that horrible reality.
I grew up in an unloving home, I didn't realize how bad it was until I met my current therapist, who identified the core of my issues as severe emotinonal child abuse and severe neglect. I was never hit or anything like that, but it stems from being brought up with parents who were more into their own issues, than taking care of their two kids. My mother grew up in an extremely abusive home, is the oldest of 6 children, and she used to get beat up almost everyday from her mother. At some point, her mother even threw a knife at her, she had a small scar from that. And things got so bad, that at some point, which I don't know why to this day, they ended up living in a home with the nuns for a year. Thus, she never knew how to be a mother, she was always moody, difficult, brooding, and just never there for me, even good things. But with me, she berated me a lot, my therapist thinks my mother abandoned me emotionally by the time I was between 3-5 years old!! It is so ingrained in me to think I am not deserving, that I ask for too much from others, and I was bullied throughout my school years, and in general, just have a hard time in life. I have a sister, but she doesn't care about me. It is too engrained in her also; she grew up like my mother, the bully, she's the entitlement monster, has no problem speaking up for herself, or just being "nice", but only to get what she wants ! My therapist thinks she figured it out very young, to align herself with my mother, and therefore, she got more of what she needed in life. She has been married for 20 years now, no kids (thank goodness!), with a pretty good life, where mine has been nothing but struggle and disappointment!
I'm in my 40s now, and my mother just died, my dad died years ago, and after he died things got worse, as my mother didn't do much for us at all, in terms of anything. Mostly just wrote us checks, we both moved out of state. I have never had a sense of family. My mother's siblings, 5 of them, all act like children. They are all developmentally narcissitic, I believe from never having had a decent childhood, with all the grandparents issues. I understand my grandfather was no better. Squabbles over stupid stuff, that goes on for years. Growing up, I hardly ever saw relatives, holidays was just our immediate family (boring!!), and just no sense of anyone being there for me, for anything, even good stuff, like in high school when I won a state scholarship! Came home to NOTHING! It was ignored. Nothing I did got my mother's attention, esp her, and she was a housewife. ( I always wondered what she did all day when we were in school!). She never bothered to get us involved with anything, I think the excuse now would be "no money." But she was just too "tight" to spend any, even a few dollars.
I always tried to make friends my family, but always found more self centered friends, or friends who were "empty wells", didn't have much to offer. Even now, an old friend has called me, it is almost three weeks since I called her back, (twice) and still no response. My boyfriend thinks it's odd: I told him "welcome to the story of my life." I am trying to make better friends, but at this age it is so hard, and everyone is so worried about work these days. And I am still single, I don't have children, NEVER wanted them either, so I am not like most women.
Life has been difficult, and several years ago, someone I worked with just ignored me, and I thought I was going to die, the pain was so intense! Being ignored, neglected, left out, not included--- is all highly triggering to me, and also people who aren't responsive to me. I don't know how to deal with it, other than to stay away.
I try to accept people, but how do you decide what to accept? Someone who never calls back, or is so busy it takes weeks to hear from someone? And I am not interested in people who only have time for you once/year.
I don't know what to do, as I have gotten rid of my narcissitic, self absorbed friends, but where do you find others, esp at this age? I have no family at all; I only have one family member who talks to me, and that is recent, but I'll never see this aunt. I have no one to see or talk to about anything, either trivial or important. Thank goodness for my boyfriend, he is great, but he is only one person.
I am feeling highly triggered this holiday weekend, due to trying to help someone, and feeling rejected, or my help unwanted--they have others who can help them, and of course, I'm somewhat new.
I have such a hard time, knowing that no one really cares for me, and the biggest part, is that "no one EVER REALLY DID." It's so painful. And no one understands how awful this is for me, it is highly triggering, and also just life in general, never having anyone there for me, really. Life hasn't changed much for me from getting out of the house, and I fear it never will. And that's it's too late, now that I understand my issues more, it feels too late to try to make real relationships with others, as people our age don't go out much anymore, etc.
I am trying to stay hopeful, but having a hard time. I don't know what to do anymore, and it's so painful how life has turned out. Triggers are so bad at times, I wish at times, I was dying, or similar, as the pain is so intense, and it makes me feel incredibly hopeless, and that no one cares how things affect me.
Any one else there have a life similar to mine?
I'd love to hear others stories as well.
Thanks for reading my story
TG
I hear the phrase suffer the little children running through my head,
Like you my parents had no interest in children,I often wonder why they bothered to have any,I was number 4 out of 5.
I can't remember being cuddled or encouraged,I played netball for 13 years neither of my parents have seen me play,I was a straight A student,no one cared,I tried everything to get some attention,there was none.
My parents even had food that was for the aduts and kids food,we had to have powdered milk they had proper milk,fruit was only for the adults,except at Christmas we were given fruit in our stockings,we thought this was the greatest thing,wow fresh fruit.There were many other things as well.
My parents weren't rich but they were by no means poor either.
When I was 7 I finally got the attention I craved,my eldest brother who was 17 started to sexually molest me,I had no idea what was happening,I just knew I felt wanted and loved,he'd give me money and tell me not to let anyone know because he said what we did was special just for us,This carried on till I was 10 ,he left home then and it stopped,once again I felt lonely and unloved,I approached my other 2 older brothers assuming they would want me,I was 10 they were 12 and 16,thet told me that it was wrong and brothers and sisters shouldn't be doing this.I was devastated and felt rejected,but I came to realise what my eldest brother did was disgusting,I felt shame,guilt and disgust in myself for letting it happen,I never told anyone.
When I was 14 a 28 year old woman befriended me,I used to babysit for her,she also sexually abused me,by this stage I wanted love and attention from anyone,I had already lost my virginity at 7 so what did it matter,she then started to bring guys around and of course they loved having sex with a 14 year old,often it was group sex including her,My counsellor believes she would have been getting money of these guys,was I a prostitute?who knows for sure.
When I was 26 I told my parents what my eldest brother did to me,it was swept under the carpet and not talked about,I found out later that they asked him,of course he denied it so they assumed I was having false memories,way to go mum and dad.
I am now 48 and have just dealt with all of this in the last 12 months it's not easy but you do need to face it and move on which I have now been able to do.
I became an alcoholic and was addicted to codeine,alcohol from age 14 and codeine from age 26 stopped both cold turkey with my doctors supervision 468 days ago,
I was letting my childhood rule my life,and ruin it,no more,Now I have taken control back.It's been the toughest fight of my life,but I am now a much stronger person.
Sorry this is so long,and it doesn't include everything I went through as a child,I'd be here all day if I wrote everything.
That phrase is in my head again,suffer the little children.
P.S. I don't know if I suffer from PTSD my doctor says I do and so do my counsellors,once again who knows
P.P.S the irony of all this,my mother is dead,and guess what! My father lives with me and my husband,go figure,He has everything he needs and I don't mention my feelings towards my childhood,but I will never be close to him like a daughter should.
Denise
Like you my parents had no interest in children,I often wonder why they bothered to have any,I was number 4 out of 5.
I can't remember being cuddled or encouraged,I played netball for 13 years neither of my parents have seen me play,I was a straight A student,no one cared,I tried everything to get some attention,there was none.
My parents even had food that was for the aduts and kids food,we had to have powdered milk they had proper milk,fruit was only for the adults,except at Christmas we were given fruit in our stockings,we thought this was the greatest thing,wow fresh fruit.There were many other things as well.
My parents weren't rich but they were by no means poor either.
When I was 7 I finally got the attention I craved,my eldest brother who was 17 started to sexually molest me,I had no idea what was happening,I just knew I felt wanted and loved,he'd give me money and tell me not to let anyone know because he said what we did was special just for us,This carried on till I was 10 ,he left home then and it stopped,once again I felt lonely and unloved,I approached my other 2 older brothers assuming they would want me,I was 10 they were 12 and 16,thet told me that it was wrong and brothers and sisters shouldn't be doing this.I was devastated and felt rejected,but I came to realise what my eldest brother did was disgusting,I felt shame,guilt and disgust in myself for letting it happen,I never told anyone.
When I was 14 a 28 year old woman befriended me,I used to babysit for her,she also sexually abused me,by this stage I wanted love and attention from anyone,I had already lost my virginity at 7 so what did it matter,she then started to bring guys around and of course they loved having sex with a 14 year old,often it was group sex including her,My counsellor believes she would have been getting money of these guys,was I a prostitute?who knows for sure.
When I was 26 I told my parents what my eldest brother did to me,it was swept under the carpet and not talked about,I found out later that they asked him,of course he denied it so they assumed I was having false memories,way to go mum and dad.
I am now 48 and have just dealt with all of this in the last 12 months it's not easy but you do need to face it and move on which I have now been able to do.
I became an alcoholic and was addicted to codeine,alcohol from age 14 and codeine from age 26 stopped both cold turkey with my doctors supervision 468 days ago,
I was letting my childhood rule my life,and ruin it,no more,Now I have taken control back.It's been the toughest fight of my life,but I am now a much stronger person.
Sorry this is so long,and it doesn't include everything I went through as a child,I'd be here all day if I wrote everything.
That phrase is in my head again,suffer the little children.
P.S. I don't know if I suffer from PTSD my doctor says I do and so do my counsellors,once again who knows
P.P.S the irony of all this,my mother is dead,and guess what! My father lives with me and my husband,go figure,He has everything he needs and I don't mention my feelings towards my childhood,but I will never be close to him like a daughter should.
Denise
Wow, there are a lot of similarities between your upbringing and mine. The difference is, my folks divorced when I was 4. (I was adopted, so I know all about not fitting in and not being accepted...been feeling that since I was 6, when I found out I was adopted.)
My mother was/is a great support. All of my grandparents were very supportive and loving as well. My dad on the other hand didnt have a bunch of time for me. Being a father was a matter of convenience or inconvenience for him, depending on what was happening in his life at the time. For years, he tried to get me to spy on my mother for him..... he constantly tried to put me in the middle of their disagreements. Even as a kid I knew this was wrong. Dont get me wrong, there were some good time but those were when it was convenient for him. Most times we spent together were shrouded in some kind of drama.
When he maried my step-mother, things got worse. The 2 of them would pair up against my mother. (She had 2 daughters in her previous relationship that she basically left with her ex husband, but later tried to make up for it...dont know or care how their relationship is today.) Both my father and this woman were very unrealistic about things. Just too much garbage to get into here....there is not enough space or time to get through all of it.
In my youth I loved sports. I had asthma, and my dad thought I was making it up. But having asthma and participating in sports was dificult until I was about 11-12 years old. Asthma quit bothering me much and I began to excell in baseball. My mother may have missed 3 games in 7 years of me playing.... my dad may have made 3 games. I was just not of interest to him. My sister and I kept him from enjoying life basically.
In 6th grade, I won an essay contest in my school between all 6th graders. This put me in contention with all schools in my town, (which I won and got to have my essay submitted to the state level competition) I took 3rd place amongst all 6th graders in my state with this essay on the U.S. Constitution. I was the authority on the Constitution, and got to go speak to college professors, deans, and regents from all over the state. It kind of was a big deal..... my mother couldnt be there for the whole thing because of work, but my dad didnt even bother. No congratulations, no nothing. My grandparents came to our town for the event, but my dad couldnt come across the city for it.... (I oddly dont remember much about the Constitution anymore....hmmm)
Tension between my dad stayed through adolesence. Lots of mental abuse, lots of ignorance on his behalf. I guess he did the best with what he had, and honestly, since he died I have forgiven him. Theres no use in hanging on to the disgust.
Anyhow, I still suffer from this. I am in my 40s and some of the thoughts of this occur on a daily basis. My dad told me I wouldnt amount to much, so my self confidence was shot as a kid. I had and still have anger issues. I was borderline violent as a kid and would often lash out. This is something that I still struggle with today
I feel for you. I know what youre dealing with, and it isnt fun. I look to each new day as a new opportunity to do something good for me and or my family. I try to learn something new every day and try to keep a positive image. Through therapy and a few meds, I am beginning to be comfortable in my own skin.
Good luck, stay in there. There is hope. Hope and help is where you find it. Medhelp.org has been a big help for me! Start doing things for you! Start paying more attention to making you who you want to be. It is doable. Read, do your homework. Learn as much as you can about your diagnosis and all treatments possible. Talk to your physician often.
You'll be ok. This is worth working on and it will not take care of itself. Pay it some attention and you can change it!
Take care!
My mother was/is a great support. All of my grandparents were very supportive and loving as well. My dad on the other hand didnt have a bunch of time for me. Being a father was a matter of convenience or inconvenience for him, depending on what was happening in his life at the time. For years, he tried to get me to spy on my mother for him..... he constantly tried to put me in the middle of their disagreements. Even as a kid I knew this was wrong. Dont get me wrong, there were some good time but those were when it was convenient for him. Most times we spent together were shrouded in some kind of drama.
When he maried my step-mother, things got worse. The 2 of them would pair up against my mother. (She had 2 daughters in her previous relationship that she basically left with her ex husband, but later tried to make up for it...dont know or care how their relationship is today.) Both my father and this woman were very unrealistic about things. Just too much garbage to get into here....there is not enough space or time to get through all of it.
In my youth I loved sports. I had asthma, and my dad thought I was making it up. But having asthma and participating in sports was dificult until I was about 11-12 years old. Asthma quit bothering me much and I began to excell in baseball. My mother may have missed 3 games in 7 years of me playing.... my dad may have made 3 games. I was just not of interest to him. My sister and I kept him from enjoying life basically.
In 6th grade, I won an essay contest in my school between all 6th graders. This put me in contention with all schools in my town, (which I won and got to have my essay submitted to the state level competition) I took 3rd place amongst all 6th graders in my state with this essay on the U.S. Constitution. I was the authority on the Constitution, and got to go speak to college professors, deans, and regents from all over the state. It kind of was a big deal..... my mother couldnt be there for the whole thing because of work, but my dad didnt even bother. No congratulations, no nothing. My grandparents came to our town for the event, but my dad couldnt come across the city for it.... (I oddly dont remember much about the Constitution anymore....hmmm)
Tension between my dad stayed through adolesence. Lots of mental abuse, lots of ignorance on his behalf. I guess he did the best with what he had, and honestly, since he died I have forgiven him. Theres no use in hanging on to the disgust.
Anyhow, I still suffer from this. I am in my 40s and some of the thoughts of this occur on a daily basis. My dad told me I wouldnt amount to much, so my self confidence was shot as a kid. I had and still have anger issues. I was borderline violent as a kid and would often lash out. This is something that I still struggle with today
I feel for you. I know what youre dealing with, and it isnt fun. I look to each new day as a new opportunity to do something good for me and or my family. I try to learn something new every day and try to keep a positive image. Through therapy and a few meds, I am beginning to be comfortable in my own skin.
Good luck, stay in there. There is hope. Hope and help is where you find it. Medhelp.org has been a big help for me! Start doing things for you! Start paying more attention to making you who you want to be. It is doable. Read, do your homework. Learn as much as you can about your diagnosis and all treatments possible. Talk to your physician often.
You'll be ok. This is worth working on and it will not take care of itself. Pay it some attention and you can change it!
Take care!
it sounds like your depressed also welcome to medhelp this is a great web-site for support i suffer from PTSD and schizophrenia and tardive dyskinesia. i have triggers that i try to deal with but also know that your not alone there are alot of people that are suffering from what we all have to deal with try visiting the depression community here at medhelp. please know that your not alone and try taking one day at a time ok :)
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