It does take a lot of courage to talk about it. Telling others our most intimate secrets somehow sets us up to unfair judging. Unfortunately, that is kind of human nature. And the part about your step dad being a drunkard.... him being a drunkard certainly didn't help anything. Also, him being a drunkard is no excuse. (He probably had been abused at one point in his life, and not addressing those issues is directly related to this.)
Stryker, how do you feel about yourself? What kind of person do you think you are?
Answer those questions, if you want and Ill get back to you.
it takes alot of courage to at least talk about it :)
Brice1967's answer says it all. You really ARE in good company.
oh i forgot to mention my ex-stepdad was a drunkard
You know what pal, there is nothing wrong with being a momma's boy. And if trying to protect your mom makes you a momma's boy.... well.... I guess I am in that crowd too. Nobody in my presence will hurt my mom and not answer to me. (I'm way older than you are....44, and nobody will hurt my mom and not have me step in.)
I sugeest like the others that you seek some help for the issues you are facing, young man. In my opinion, I think you're a good kid and just need a bit of professional tweaking to allow you to understand that you are all right. At the end of the day man, you have to be all right with what you accomplished. You also have to be willing to look at what you did wrong and address that as well. That is part of being a real man! Being able to stand up and say you have problems and want to address them, or that you made a mistake and want to make it right is the grounds of growing into a real man.
You've been abused and or mentally tortured by what you witnessed with your mom and step dad. THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! Look for some help. Try at school with a school counselor or perhaps a school nurse. Do you have any friends whose parents you trust? You can go there. I don't know where you live, but I do know that help, like the help yuo need is available and normally at little or no cost. Get some help, and remember.... if protecting your mom makes you a momma's boy.... You are in good company kid!
You aren't a "momma's boy", but a caring and loving son. Forget that stuff.
You need professional help. Any child that has been abused needs help, period. You were exposed to the worst type of experience a child can have and it is very difficult to shake by yourself. I want you to ask your mom to take you to a general practice doctor. I want you to see the Doc during the visit at some point - entirely by yourself. And i want you to tell the Doc what you are feeling and why. The doctor will keep your confidence.
Before you go, if you could write down the things that are really bothering you, take them with you so when you are with the doc alone, you don't feel scared or shy, you just pull out your notes and read them to him, or let the Doc read them, either way. Then talk about things for a minute. I believe the Doc will know what to do to help you right away.
You should be proud you have helped save your Mom, it's a great thing you've done. Remember too, so many memories, good and bad, go away after time, and nothing is hunting you now but bad memories. If you helped save your Mom, you can beat this.
My best to you
Suggest you see your Doc. check if he/she can get you a course in Cognitive Behaviour?It does help to change the way you think. Good luck